Monday, June 30, 2008

Dames and Nicknames Monday!

Wow, am I glad to be back. If you miss reading this silliness half as much as I miss posting it, allow me to apologize for the hiatus. Glad you enjoyed Lady Cop / Green Team Week, though.

These panels appeared somewhere else, but I grabbed 'em from JSA 100 Page Super-Spectacular # 1:

This is the reason I would never team up with a woman. Sportsmaster is zooming away on rockets, and Dinah is off in another room making sure her wig is on straight. By the time she gets finished checking her make-up, Sporty will be in another area code. Silly dames! Useless in a crisis, I tells ya!

The Rod Ranger? Did Starman come up with that one for himself? He probably did, and then totally regretted it. You should never come up with your own nickname, because it will only stick if it's hilariously insulting to you.

In view of your reputations, and the uncomfortable, caricature-like way you are representing your respective regions, we've decided to let you pass.

Sheesh. I'm surprised Inspector Dawes didn't come off the plain wailing on the bagpipes.... I'm Inspector Dawes from Scotland Yard! Oy! I like crackin' skulls at football riots! Oy!

Don't even get me started on the other three....

It's great to be back, Dear Ones! I've missed you!

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Goin' Green (Team) Wednesday!

BORING ADMINISTRATIVE NOTE: Sad to say, I will be off the grid for the remainder of the week. To get us through it, here's an extra-large edition of CMNS - The Green Team Summer Spectacular!

Why the Green Team didn't catch on, I'll never understand. Have you ever seen such a horrible idea executed so enthusiastically in your life?

The Green Team consisted of four boy millionaires, each of whom made their fortune by being stereotypes of kids who had lots of money yet never worked a day in their lives:

To be fair, the last guy made his own fortune by being some sort of director prodigy, but I lumped him in with the other dorks because he said things like, "Greetings, sweeties!" That doesn't even rhyme. What a tool.

Now, we had to have the token, but we certainly couldn't have a wealthy African-American family back in the 1970's. So:

He gets rich via bank error. Of course! Because as we all know, an African-American can't be a success unless he's an athlete, a rapper, or unintentionally commits bank fraud.

I've been around the block many times, and if someone tries to sell me a "pleasure machine," it had better not look like that. I don't know how it does the job, but if it does half of what it looks like it will do, you can count me out.

Cue the angry mob:

I don't know who the caricatures are in the second panel, but the fact that they snuck Spider-Man into a DC book in the 1970's is six different kinds of awesome.

I forget who the bad guy was, but he reminds me of the RIAA. Topical zing!

That's some good psychedelic stuff right there. We don't see enough of that sort of thing these days.

Maybe it's because cool Yellow Submarine - style artwork leads to freakin' out, man!

See? What did I just say?

Which leads us to the big question:

I've always heard it can grow hair on your palms and make you go blind.

How about a Green Team / Lady Cop team-up? You'd totally buy it. Don't try and tell me you wouldn't.

Alas, my lovelies, I'll see you Monday!

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

That Ain't No Way to Treat a Lady Cop Tuesday!

How much snarkiness can you get from a single comic? When that comic is Lady Cop, you can get two days. Easily.

I didn't know the police could detain you if they overheard you saying you may have contracted an STD. Then again, I haven't read all of the Patriot Act.

Is it worse dealing with the chauvinist's knife, or with his sexist comments? Oh, what a woman in the workforce had to tolerate back in the 1970's....

... and even from one's co-workers. That was a backhanded compliment if ever there was one. I smell a grievance with your name on it, Officer Caveman!

And even her loved ones didn't support her! How did she ever manage to find the strength to go and face the world when she couldn't even get the support of her well-meaning-but-insensitive-boyfriend?

Not that anyone asked my opinion, but if you have VD and it's treatable, why would you tell your father? I mean, treat the VD and keep your yap shut! This is really bad advice, but remember - she's a woman feeling alone in her struggle to take on a sexist world on her own uncompromising terms.

See? What did I just say? If you'd just driven the young lady to the health department, you might not have taken a punch from her old man. And why did your head go the wrong way when you got punched? And how were you able to just shrug it off like that in the next panel? And why didn't he get arrested for Assault & Battery on a Police Officer? This really is complicated!

Wow. That's all over my head. On a personal note, other comics in contention for Worst Comic I Ever Read were: DK2: The Dark Knight Strikes Again, anything Judd Winnick writes that features Captain Marvel, the Wanderers, the Omega Men, Shadow Hawk, most stuff written in the '90s and any of the X-Books after John Byrne left.

Monday, June 23, 2008

That Ain't No Way to Treat a Lady Cop Monday!

Bask in the glory. Bask, I tell you! First Issue Special #4 - Lady Cop:

First Issue Special was great for kids with ADD - they never had the same character or storyline for more than a single issue, no matter how many threads were left dangling. Such was the case for the most awesomely bad comic in the history of comics.

To really do this thing justice, I should just post every single page. But, my legal eagles advise me that this would probably exceed the Fair Use Doctrine, so I'll just hit you with the high points.

Young woman hides under bed while roommates are murdered. She remembers little of value, other than her very detailed account of the killer's footwear. Those dames and their shoes!

So, she joins the police department. That makes sense, doesn't it? I mean, she's not going to let this thing go until she finds out where the killer got those fabulous shoes!

But the life of a cop ain't as easy one. She doesn't even graduate from the police academy before confronting a whackjob with a grenade:

Two things: Grenades don't make that hissing noise, and why is the commandant so dang calm about the fact that someone tried to throw a grenade in his direction? Is this the Iraqi Police Academy, or the one with Steve Guttenberg and the guy who made the funny noises? Either way, I'm a little surprised that everyone's acting like they just busted a guy for jaywalking.

Uh-oh. Another bout of rooftop rape. Don't you just hate it when people are rapin' on your rooftop? It messes with the tv reception.

We aren't in the jungle? So, if we were in the jungle, sexual battery is okay? Hey, Tarzan, you'll never guess what I just found out! No, I'm totally serious! The cop just told me it's nice and legal as long as we don't leave the jungle!

Geez, guys, it's her first day. Can't you save the attempted gang-rape until later? Give her a chance to have her morning coffee first, wouldya?

But even though she's having the most action-packed first day in the history of law enforcement, there's always time to spend your meager salary paying for the ice cream of other people's children:

I knew it would take two days to cover it all. Tune in tomorrow, if you dare!

Friday, June 20, 2008

Icky-Wacky Floy-Floy Friday!

Yup... one short weekend away from what Adam deems the worst unintentionally bad comic ever extravaganza. Meanwhile, let's set the Wayback Machine to 1941 for a look at the seldom-seen All-Star Comics #2!

I've never understood why nets are so effective in stories. I mean, if you throw a towel over my chihuahua, she'll get out of it in less than four seconds. But for some reason, if you toss a net over a man with a ring capable of creating anything he can imagine (like green flaming buzzsaws), it'll stop him cold.

THAT.... is one large vase.

And now, the Sandman brings you Awkward Expository Dialogue Theater:

Not that I'm criticizing the Sandman, mind you. He was, bar none, the most badass hero of the Golden Age:

Yeah, he could've disarmed the guy, but why bother when you can make him blow his own brains out? That, my friends, is one bad dude.

As opposed to Hourman:

Okay, sidekicks! It's very important you keep the bad guys out of the cemetery! Unless they insist. I mean, if they insist, what can you do?

From the Spectre story:

I love how the worst of human behavior includes spanking your kid.

And here's something I don't see often enough:

I'm not sure what the ritual is for, but I'm grooving on the chant. Everyone to my place for an Icky-Wacky Floy-Floy Dance Party!

See ya Monday!

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Cryin'-in-our-Beerin', Man-Talkin', 18 Cent-Dressin' Thursday!

I dare YOU to read every word of Matt's inner dialogue from Daredevil v1 #76:

Jumpin' Jimmy Swaggart on a pogo stick, willya shaddap??? Matt has become THAT guy: You know, the guy who gets dumped by some chick and won't let it go? I used to be that guy a lot when I was single....

But geez, I've heard less blather in those movies they show during the day on Lifetime. Did Karen take his scrotum with her when she left?

Heh, heh.... scrotum.

Meanwhile, one issue earlier:

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about! You're on a need-to-know basis, woman, and you don't need to know. Why don't you smack her one upside the head for good measure?

In my salad days, I certainly was not above going to consignment shops or thrift stores for cheap clothing. But, for the life of me, I cannot understand why they would advertise this in a publication geared for eleven year-old boys.

I'm going to see if these folks are still in business. If so, I know where Beloved's next birthday present is coming from.....

A little tease: Starting Monday, a two-day look at the Holy Grail of horrible comics.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Toe-Stubbin', Article-Burnin', Explosives-Checkin', Shrine-Havin', Bobble-Headin' Wednesday!

And now, for no reason, let's check out Superman #152:

Lois might suspect I'm Superman... or that I'm wearing shoes!

Um, you may have burned the article, Clark, but I think Lois can remember the gist of it. You know, that you're really Superman? I don't think destroying the first draft is going to solve the problem here.

.... and, perhaps even more important, why did you take enemy property into your Fortress without scanning it for explosives or radioactive materials first?

Am I the only one who thinks that the fact Superman has a room dedicated to a shrine of Lois in the first place is creepier than anything the mystery super-villain might have in store?

Oh, look! The mystery person we thought would be a bad guy was really our pals! Is there a tired old plot device the Superman writers wouldn't use?

And the gift is LSH bobbleheads! Now that's a great gift! If those existed, I'd be driving Beloved crazy, displaying them all over the house.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Leopard-Lordin', Plastic-Modellin', Prosecutorial-Misconductin', Self-Portrayin', Gettin'-Offin' Tuesday!

Hey, hey! Collector's Item time!

Daredevil v.1 #72 had the very first appearance of Tagak! Yes, Tagak! And before you (justifiably) think I'm being all snarky, I'll have you know that Tagak appeared again as a member of the Defenders for three whole issues and was listed on the proverbial milk carton as "whereabouts unknown" in Civil War.

So, if you were a lucky duck like me and had this issue at your fingertips, you could see the first (and last) solo appearance of a hero barely important enough for someone to say "Whatever happened to that guy?" in 2006. Hey, you take your 15 minutes where you can get 'em.

And he came out of the mirror, hepcats! Doesn't that just blow your mind? Apparently, someone at Marvel thought it would. I doubt it did, though....

I wanted these things. I'm sure I saw a set at K-Mart as a kid, but my mom wouldn't bite. She didn't see the entertainment value in plastic statues that didn't really do anything. Moms just don't get it.

Hey, kids! Did you know that if you are a prosecuting attorney, professional ethics prohibit you from prosecuting anyone you don't believe the evidence indicates is guilty?

Apparently, New York District Attorney Foggy Nelson didn't know that, either.

This is the kind of thing I would have passed on as a child, because I didn't give a flip who created the comics. Laws, sausages, churches, comics.... the more you know how things come about, the less you enjoy them. But I would totally want a set of these today. Anyone have the foresight to get these?

And now, courtesy of Daredevil v.1, #74, I give you Poor Word Choice Theater:

Monday, June 16, 2008

Super Junk-Grabbin', Spaceship-Landin', Fire-Standin', Convict-Equippin' Monday!

I know it seems like I cut modern comics a break, but (a) it's more fun to read the Silver and Golden Age stuff and (b) the modern comic creators are a bit more sophisticated, so it's not as satisfying or fruitful to troll modern books looking for material.

Then, you run across Last Hero Standing #2:

Hey, Spider-Girl! Keep your hands off Captain America's wiener! I see where that hand's going!

Oh, my. It's Superboy #89, and whaddya know! A spaceship is landing in Smallville. Again.

I'm surprised we haven't had falling spaceships smack into each other at the rate they've been coming down.

But, hey! This one has the first appearance of Mon-El! So that's actually pretty cool.

Hmmmmm... you might have powers, so go stand in the fire? I know I've addressed this before, but can't you test powers with something a little less dangerous? This strikes me similar to the way they used to burn you at the stake to see if you were a witch....

From Superman #147:

Um, warden? You know that's Lex Freaking Luthor, right? Maybe having him do a little "constructive time" around electronic parts might be a teensy little security risk. I mean, they don't let prisoners have shoelaces, but they're going to put Luthor in a room full of devices? What's next? Letting Deadshot join the skeet-shooting program?

Friday, June 13, 2008

Curious Moments in Daredevil History Friday!

From Daredevil v1, #65: Insert your own "I can't believe Future Addict/Porn Star Karen Page turned down coke!" joke here....

Historic moments from Daredevil v1, #67:

Unless I'm gonna be played by Ben Affleck. Naw, they wouldn't do that. Would they?

Actually, I liked the Daredevil movie, especially the Director's Cut, but it appears that I'm the only one....

Oh, my. Oh, my, my, my. This is one of those rare occasions where I would hope someone was only planning to hit me over the head and steal my wallet, because it looks like things could go any direction at this point.

I know, it's childish. But when you have someone say "perfect!" when another person bends over in front of them, you can't just let that kind of thing pass...

Meanwhile, I can't tell you how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, but I can tell you how many pages it takes to defeat Stilt Man:

That would be two pages, with room for a bystander to give an introduction. Then again, think about it: What's the most likely result of wearing stilts? You'll lose your balance and fall over. Can you imagine fighting someone while on stilts? I think everyone this side of Flamebird could smack you around. Unless the foe is riding a unicycle, I hardly think there's much chance of an extended struggle.

See ya Monday!