Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Unexpected Break Alert!

Sorry, Dear Ones, but I must take my leave again. But only until Monday.

I've got a work thing that is going to keep me away from my PC, so you'll have to amuse yourselves with the adventures of RC and Quickie. I can't imagine a guy that goes by the name of Quickie gets much action, so this was a big day for him, to be sure.

See you Monday!

That's Not Where Her Eyes Are, Clark....

Ah, to be a teenager with X-Ray vision.....

Get Thee Behind Me!

Nope. I'm not saying a word. Oh, I see it just as clearly as you do, but I'm not sayin' nothin'.

Am I tempted? Sure. But I'm going to take the high road just this once and see what it feels like.

Although the expression on his face is making it mighty difficult....

But nope! I'm not sayin' nothin'.

Why Johnny Quick Isn't Allowed in Childrens' Hospitals

Excuse me, hero-guy, but do you think that it's appropriate to put a mental image of a boy burning to death before you extract him from the fire? Seriously, what the heck?

Gosh, I was worried for my safety, then I saw the super-hero. But then, he made me think about burning alive! So, anyway, I see my therapist four times a week now....

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Al is Better than You!

I didn't understand the point of this kind of crap as a child, and it makes less sense to me now. Am I supposed to feel badly because I'm not like Al? Am I supposed to feel badly because I don't want to be like Al? I never knew how I was supposed to take it when my old man would point out how awesome other little boys were and what a disappointment I was because I spent my evenings reading instead of watching television with the family (sadly, that was one of many insane things he said - you just can't make some stuff up).

Nice choice of shoes there, "Outstanding Boy." I can imagine Al's head was shoved into many a flushing toilet in high school.

Because There's One Thing We Know About Fat People....

it's that we don't mind nicknames like "Tubby" and we can't go twenty seconds without wanting to eat. Yup, that's what we're all about. Just food. Nothing else. Humanitarian mission? Well, that's all well and good, but when do we eat?


The Fine Line Betwixt Clever and Irritating...

Since it is a sea-themed circus, one expects a fish-related pun here and there, but by the time you get to "you won't crab," it's just sad. I'm not even sure you can use "crab" as a verb, but to be honest, this was just so lame I couldn't be bothered to click my mouse twice to find out.

Granted, we have low expectations of any and all things Aquaman, but this doesn't even meet those....

Monday, June 25, 2007

Arthur Curry's Hidden Talent

You know, Aquaman is pretty limited in his effectiveness. I mean, unless the JLA finds itself in the middle of the ocean, he doesn't have a lot to contribute, and one generally doesn't just "find oneself" in the middle of the ocean - it generally requires planning and deliberate action on your part. So, rarely does the JLA find itself saying, "Thank goodness you came along, Aquaman!"

That being said, Arthur can crank out the nom de plume like a machine. Most of us would think of "Bill Smith" or something, but Arthur pulls a compound nickname out of his hat as if he were rattling off a cocktail order at happy hour.

Sure, commanding creatures of the sea is nifty, but I want that quick-thinking dude with me the next time I'm pulled over by the cops.

Granted, he kinda ruins the whole effect with the "Yeah, that's the ticket!" bit he says at the end, but all in all, that was a good dodge.

Officer Pepsi, 1950's Lawman

Yup, his name was Officer Pepsi. I don't know if his arch-nemesis was a guy named Cokehead, but it would certainly give me the giggles if that were the case.

Orville Richkid, Visionary

Is it just me, or does Orville have a point? I mean, wouldn't you rather buy a full run of something rather than spend hours looking for one or two issues you missed? I certainly would - it's not fun missing out on the conclusions of story archs because no one has the last issue of the 1990's volume of Black Lightning (true story - I never found out what happened to Sick Rick). I bet Orville is the guy who thought of Ebay...

You tell 'em, Orville!

Friday, June 22, 2007

I'm Not Saying I Could Do Any Better....

... and I certainly can't fly, but if I could, I think I'd be doing something a little different with my legs. You're asking for some nasty windshear in the old crotchal region, know what I mean? And there's also the question of it affecting your mileage. Ok, it's just wrong. I don't care that Superboy is on a stamp doing it, it's just wrong!

Aquaman is Better than You!

Um, Arthur, just because you can boss around a bunch of pea-brained fish and can convert water to oxygen, that doesn't make you any less susceptable to death than the rest of us. Let's not get too carried away with ourselves, shall we? I mean, you get right down to it, you are the King of Where Every Complex Organism's Poop Ends Up, so let's just calm ourselves down.

No Pressure, but....

The shoes are keen! They feel keen! And all the regular guys wear 'em! Don't you want to buy a pair or three?

Okay, dude, back off the ugly little guy in the beanie. You and I both know he's never gonna be cool, so quit with the sales pitch before I call Child Protective Services.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Those Carefree Days of Medication Tasting Like Candy....

... especially menthol candy. Yum!

Was there ever such a thing as menthol candy? Was it, perchance, made by Phillip Morris?

Those Carefree Days of Childhood Gambling....

Where was it ever legal to put a gambling device where children could reach it? I live in Oklahoma, where you can't make a left turn without running into an Indian casino, and I've never seen anything like that.

It's a Stupid Commercial????

That's my A Christmas Story homage.... remember how upset Ralphie was when he discovered the Little Orphan Annie decoder was just an advertising gimmick? Well, he let Red Ryder off easy, because not only did Red slap his name on that eye-shootin'-out BB gun, he apparantly whored himself to RC Cola as well. Although I will tell you, RC goes mighty good with a Moon Pie...

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Oh, Aquaman....

Even in the Golden Age, Aquaman wasn't exactly a badass. Here, he knocks himself out with a boat he himself just capsized. The guy lives in the ocean, but doesn't account for the tide when dealing with floating objects?

Do you think the JLA kept him around just to keep him from getting beaten up by other super-heroes? I'm sure the Doom Patrol would have taken his lunch money more than once.

What Did He Just Say?

I'm not sure what "Thump him off" means, but the guy on the proposed receiving end isn't trying that hard to get away....

What Passed for Cool in the 1940's....

Check him out. Second from the left. Red sweater.

What is up with that hat?

This ad tells us that there is a recipie for Baby Ruth cookies inside each wrapper. Anyone ever had one?

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Like You Don't See It

Tell me that Genius Jones isn't getting smacked on the head with a big concrete penis. Don't try to pretend you don't see it, because I totally know you do.

Welcome to all new readers who googled "big concrete penis"!

The Sandman Tends to Over-Explain

I'll eat it later! I've got to leave for an appointment uptown! I'm going to use my automobile! I might eat it along the way if I'm stuck in traffic or hit a red light. I tend to speed through yellow lights. If I don't eat it along the way, I may eat it before I actually enter the building! Or, I may wait until after my appointment! After my appointment, I'll be driving myself home!

Okay, Wes, take the candy or don't. No one is asking you to deliver a thesis here. I'll bet she never makes the mistake of offering Wes candy again!

I Don't Get This Joke....

but I do find it nifty that not only is there a such thing as a "B" sized battery, but there was enough of a demand for them at one time that they were advertising them in comics (with jokes that zoomed right past me, but there you go).

Never let it be said that I don't try to get credit for court ordered community service so I don't have to pick up trash along the highway educate as well as entertain!

Monday, June 18, 2007

New Ain't Always an Improvement

I don't mean to say "I told you so," but if they had stuck with the original gimmick and look for the Sandman, we would have seen lots of mysterious shots where our hero strikes from the shadows, his bizarre gasmask the last thing a foe sees before slipping into unconsciousness.

Instead, we get him driving his head into the crotch of a bad guy while grabbing a handfull of ass cheek.

It can't just be me. It just can't.

Sue Richards, Super Mom

Of course, we never get tired of seeing a chick wearing an apron over her costume. Actually, I enjoy it so much, I've shown it twice. But this is some of that awful parenting you only see in comics and from parents on Dr. Phil who live in fear of their teenagers. Nice consistent parenting there, Sue!

This Really Creeps Me Out

Another classic ad from the 1940's, for Bit-O-Honey, the tastiest thing that will yank a perfectly healthy tooth right out of your jaw, root and all. I love me some Bit-O-Honey, but as Beloved pointed out, it ain't worth replacing a $500 crown.

That being said, this ad really gives me the heebie-jeebies. A boy is down, and along comes Little Miss Short Skirt, offering to compound his problems by giving him a piece of (albiet delicious) asphalt to chew on. Jezebel!!!!!

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Character Hall of Fame - Volto from Mars

UNEXPECTED HOLLIDAY ALERT! This will be my last post until Monday. There won't be a Friday post because they are closing the offices. Why? Because they're digging up a car that was buried in the front lawn in the 1950's. No, that's the real reason. There are some things you just can't make up.

But as an added bonus to get you through the long (for me, anyway) weekend, allow me to give you an ultra-rare scan of Volto from Mars. Why is he in the Hall of Fame? Well, two reasons:

1) His powers were copied 30 years after his appearance by Amazing Man in the All-Star Squadron. Remember when they decided that Amazing Man was too much like the Absorbing Man and inexplicably gave him magnetic powers? Well, Volto had him beat by years.

NOTE: These powers were also copied by Yankee Poodle of Captain Carrot and His Amazing Zoo Crew fame.... well, sorta fame. Not really famous at all. But she was a comic character, and one hand repelled while the other attracted. Insert your own joke about one hand repelling and one attracting in my comments!

2) I was about 75% through this page before I figured out it was an ad. I actually paused and thought, "He wants cereal? That's certainly odd. Must have been a 1940's thing." Then we see him chowing down on Grape-Nuts. That's some mighty smooth advertising there, Volto. Major props.

See you Monday!

Ted Knight, Hilarious Scientist

*chuckle*.... no, wait, wait, wait, let me explain my joke... *snicker* It's hilarious, I swear....*guffaw* See, the poster says "See a Galaxy of Stars," and I'm Starman!... *chortle*.... GET IT?.... *titter*.... You see what I did there?.... *choke*.... BWAH HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAA!

Actually, the smartest science guy I know is my brother-in-law and he thinks Bob Hope is a scream. Seriously. No, he's barely in his 40's..... I know! I think science types just see the world differently than we do.....

Genius Jones and Stupid Questions

Genius Jones was a back-up in Adventure Comics back in the 1940's. He was the Encyclopedia Brown of his day, who was the Jimmy Neutron of his day. Some themes never grow old, I suppose.

What slayed me about this particular panel was the question this doofus asked him. Really, you stupid sod.... you have access to a genius and you're going to ask him about the quality of a rubber ball? That's like asking Tony Stark to program your VCR.

Me: Yeah, Tony, if you could just get the clock programmed....

Tony: Uh, are you sure? I mean, I could get this thing to bathe the house in antioxidant radiation, guaranteeing you and your family would be immune to all diseases....

Me: No, that's ok. If you could just figure out the am/pm, I think I'll be good to go.

Sometimes You Can Take Mild-Mannered a Little Too Far

Secret identity or no secret identity, if someone said my life's work had amounted to nothing, I'd be finding a new place to hide the old Gravity Rod, if you know what I mean.... and I'd put it in sideways.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Your Constitutional Protections Mean Nothing to a Man with a Fin on His Head

Well, Starman, normally I respect my employees' rights to privacy, not to mention the obvious civil rights lawsuit I'm gonna be getting, but I'll risk it all for a man dressed up like the sad little tree from A Charlie Brown Christmas.

The Fourth Estate's Finer Moments, pt 2

Broadcasting only what ordinary people will believe.... because you should only report the truth if you think people will believe it.

A Joke About Protective Undergarments

And what should you do with an adult's behind? Depends.

Get it? Depends! Like the adult diaper! HAR!

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Adam Barnett, Troublemaker

I thought you guys might get a kick out of a 1940's version of the Incredible Hulk. Just like ol' Greenskin, this guy was a normal guy who would turn into a rampaging brute when he got stressed out. Pretty cool, eh? I'm surprised DC is letting that one slide....

Thank You for Saying Something, Tony....

I have always found Johnny's catch phrase to be incredibly annoying, and I'm glad it isn't just me. See what you've done, Johnny? You've made me agree with Iron Man on something! Now look what you've done!

Does the phrase, "Whatever turns you on" mean like what it sounds like it means? That sounds like one of those things you really shouldn't say just because we've been desensitized to it. I, for one, don't want to explain to a 10 year-old what it means to be "turned on."

There - I'm disagreeing with Iron Man again. Everything's back to normal. Ahhhhhh....

I Have a Question

I'm probably Cap's biggest fan, but I don't think even he can talk underwater. Shouldn't he sound more like Mushmouth from Fat Albert?

Lebet mebe lubus orbu I'bll knocka ubu intubu nexbt mubth!

Monday, June 11, 2007

Billy Batson has a Mean Streak

Wow, Billy! You want Sivana cold in the grave, do you? Not even Batman talks along those lines. Who knew Billy was so badass? Ah, the innocent, bloodthirsty ways of childhood....

Who F*rted?

Sorry, Suzie.... ever since Taco Bell got that dollar menu.....

That's Some Mighty Good Tracking

Manhunter is so dang good at what he does, he can tell you the ethnicity of someone's footprint. Eat that, Wolverine!

Friday, June 8, 2007

I'm No Business Whiz....

.... so maybe there's something I'm not getting, but should you be admitting to perfect strangers named "Smoothe" who burst into your office that your business isn't doing so well?

Slow Down There, Oliver Twist!

You can take my word for it, or I can post every page prior to this panel, but I swear to you, as of that moment, we had not established this kid was an orphan! Heck, I'm still not sure he is! Maybe he just liked the sound of living with a wealthy family who would send him to college!

Thursday, June 7, 2007

They Ruined the Joke, but I'm Telling it Anyway

Madame, my job is to recognize celebrities.... that, and you are in the company of a walking, talking pile of orange rocks. It is a gift, Madame.

Actually, to be fair, this guy was meant to be a doofus. He has Sue and Johnny confused with Angie Dickinson and Mark Hamill. I just couldn't throw away my snarky comment.

Why I Can't be a Doctor...

.... because if a guy was having a heart attack, I'd be thinking about.... oh, I dunno.... driving him to the hospital. Apparently, you are supposed to take him home. See? I just don't have the mindset for that kind of work...

"Brick" is a Compliment

When I first read the boy's line, I finished with that Ben Folds song "and I'm drowning slooooowly..... off the coast and I'm heading nowherrrrrre...." But then I finished my self-serenading and did a little research. Yup, Ben got it wrong. A "brick" is actually defined as "a good fellow; helpful and trustworthy." It sure didn't sound like much of a compliment to me, but there you go.

Nice hair, "Brick."

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Keep it Behind the Fourth Wall

Really, Ted, it's bad enough the you have the compulsive need to narrate everything in your head as it happens. Do you have to drag me into it with that creepy wink? Let's keep a civil distance, shall we?

Not that it's not difficult to resist the temptation to clown around when you are safely hidden behind your woman's ridiculously large chapeau. It looks like one strong wind would swoop her over the horizon....

Boundaries, Johnny! Boundaries!

Okay, let's review. See how Johnny is being physically demonstrative to his sister there in the background? Totally appropriate.

.... but then Johnny takes things waaaaaay too far. I don't care if Jessica Alba is playing your sister in the movie, this is just wrong!

Seriously, am I the only one hearing "Sometimes When We Touch" playing in the background here?

How to Keep Your Rod from Working

I know what would keep my rod from working - a picture of Paris Hilton! Zing!

By the way, this kid is supposed to be blind, and I accept that. But why is his blindness causing his retinas to slide down his cheeks like that?

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Costume Hall of Fame and Shame - The Creeper

By all accounts, the Creeper is awesome. In his secret identity, he's kind of a jerk and when he transforms, he's insane. His weapon of choice is to smack you silly, armed with nothing more than a cackle and a funky red rug he wears for a cape.

And most of the time, it looks great. Most of the time. When he's in those awkward positions, all hunched over and such, he looks appropriately bizarre and off-putting. But as you can see here:

When he stands erect and isn't having a psychotic episode, it looks downright awkward. Some folks simply look ridiculous when they want to be taken seriously.

Case in point:

Katie Couric on The Today Show. Loveable goofball. Wasn't afraid to dress up like Marilyn Monroe for Halloween or get a colonoscopy on camera. She was that cute silly friend we all have, and we loved her for it.

Then, we get Katie Couric from The CBS Evening News. No longer cute. No longer charming. Has odd expression on her face that looks like she's afraid we'll figure out what plastic surgery she's had done. As much fun to watch as a City Council meeting on cable channel 84.

Don't stand up straight, Creeper. Ever.

Ah, that's more like it!