Thursday, December 31, 2015

In Which Superman Decides He Has the Authority to Give Other People Orders

It's the end of another awesome year!  No post tomorrow, but we'll be back on Monday, January 4th.  Sound good?

  The state of the blog be this: The blog easily topped 100,000 visits last year, which isn't half bad.  We get a lot more visitors when we stick with big name acts than, say, Neon the Unknown, but to me "funny be funny" no matter what, so who knows what we'll be checking out in 2016?

As to movies and whatnot, Avengers: Age of Ultron and Ant-Man were awesome.  In fact, this was just a year for really great movies and I couldn't begin to list them all.  TV was fantastic with Agent Carter, Gotham, The Flash, iZombie and Arrow even managed to bounce back after a dreadful third season.  I don't have Netflix, so I've yet to see Daredevil, but I've heard awesome things and once it hits DVD release, I'll be all over it.

So lets finish with Superman #273, where we meet.... I don't remember his name.  But here he is:

Welcome to the Super-Hero Club and farewell to any hope that you will ever know the touch of a woman.

Seriously, if I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: If you're going to get a third eye, there is no point whatsoever in putting it in the middle of your forehead near the eyes you already have.  Stick it on your index finger so you can use the thing like a periscope.

Here's Perry White getting all profound:

Yeah, people who suddenly get super-powers just go all kinds of corrupt.

Like the Flash.

And Animal Man.

And the Atom.

And Atom Smasher.

And Beast Boy.

And Black Canary.

And Captain Marvel.

(Seriously... I could do this all day.  I'm doing it in alphabetical order just to be really impressive.)

And Cyborg.

And the Elongated Man.

And Firestorm.

And the entire Green Lantern Corps.

And Metamorpho.

And Plastic Man.

I could keep going, but you get the idea.

Yeah, I know a character sometimes goes off the rails, but that was really a sweeping generalization.  If you're going to get all judgmental in the guise of being profound, at least have your facts straight.  You should know all about the need to have your facts straight, Perry White... considering your career in journalism.

Anyway, the guy is really powerful and we can't have that, considering it's a Superman comic and all:

Okay, pay attention to what Superman just said there, because I'm going to get all lawyerly on you in a second.

Okay, you just said he needed to limit his activities until the fallout could be controlled.  He just showed you he could control it.  Why must you stop him?

Well, we know the real reason by now: Superman won't tolerate anyone having powers that compare to his.  I just want to know if Supes has any intellectual honesty.

He doesn't.  Here he is giving this guy a power-castration:

Okay, if the eye could just go flying off the guy's head as the result of a sudden stop, why didn't Superman just snatch it off the guy's forehead at super-speed?  He must be one of those people who just has to make things harder than they need to be.

Anyway, have a safe holiday!  This time last year, Beloved got knocked unconscious when she was plowed into by an uninsured motorist (giving us a chance to ring in the new year from the emergency room), so be extra careful until the holiday is over.

See you Monday!

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

In Which Superman Gets Served by a Smack-Talkin' Brainiac. Plus: Patrolman Mike!

Let's take a look at Superman #270 for another episode of Cops: Metropolis

If they ever give Patrolman Mike his own series, I'm going to subscribe.  You're packing a flaming sword?  He doesn't care.  You can smash through concrete?  That's not even worth taking his taser out of the holster.  Don't cross Patrolman Mike.

Onto the next issue, we see Superman fighting Brainiac:

I had started to use The Google on calling someone "Old Cigarette Smoke" to see if that was ever a thing, but then I read this:

Apparently, the plan is indeed for Brainiac to call Superham nonsense names all day.  Thusly:

So, why was he doing this?  It was never explained.  And I'm starting to see a pattern in this era of Superman: They don't explain nothin'.  How does a power work?  You're on a need to know basis and you don't need to know.  What happened to a subplot that just disappears for no reason?  Don't worry your pretty little head about it.  Stuff just kinda happens in this run of Superman, and you just kind of have to roll with it.

It should bother the heck out of me.  I don't know what it doesn't.

See you tomorrow!

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

In Which Superman is Busy Being Murdered

Superman #269 gives us more of the rivalry between Steve Lombardi and Clark Kent.  And it doesn't exactly bring out the best in Clark.  Thusly:

Yes.  Clark violently knocked Steve unconscious to he could go off and be Superman.  Sure, he could have done something less brutal but... you know, Steve insults Clark's manhood so anything goes.  That's just basic Bro Code, folks.

But this is disturbing:

Lady, if you're going to vamp on a guy while wearing a mini-skirt, could you maybe leave your elderly mother and small daughter at home?  I'm all in favor of women asserting themselves, but you can see that little girl is already picking up some... techniques... that you may not want your small daughter to have.  I'm not sure if I should be calling Child Protective Services or To Catch a Predator.

Anyway, Superman loses his powers yet again.  To this guy:

Yeah.  Barnum put Superman's powers into puppets so they could put their powers into Barnum.  How?  No one's talkin'.  But this was some awesome dialogue:

You are about to become too busy... too busy being murdered!

Yeah, that's a great one.  The only thing that was missing was a twirling of the mustache as he said it.

Anyway, Superman cheats or something and it really doesn't solve anything because Barnum doesn't lose the whole "stealing powers" thing.  So, Barnum could start the whole process over after a good night sleep and a balanced breakfast.  But apparently Barnum would rather just stew in prison for a while because that's what happens.


See you tomorrow!

Monday, December 28, 2015

And He Will Hug Superman and Pet Him and Squeeze Him and Call Him George...

And we're back!  Hope you had a great one!

Let's start with some Fun with Out of Context Dialogue (tm!) from Superman #264

Yeah, Perry's the boss.  What else can you do?

Check this out from Superman #266:

Come on, Superman!  Just knock Frosty's hat off his head!  I've seen it work a million times in the cartoon.

Fast forward to the incredibly-advanced World of Krypton from Superman #268:

They just have science on Krypton we can't begin to understand.

See you tomorrow!

Friday, December 18, 2015

The Origin of Steve Lombardi! Falling Babies Edition!

Dear Ones, I will be off the grid next week for the holiday season, so I'll see you again on Monday, December 28th.  Happy holidays of all stripes to everyone who observes whatever.  If it's about peace, love and compassion, I'm all for it.  Have a happy one and stay safe!

But before we go....

Superman #264 was fairly noteworthy in that it introduced Clark Kent's nemesis, Steve Lombard.  I started reading comics in 1974 and only occasionally picked up a Superman comic, but it seemed to me like Steve had just always been there.

The Steve Lombard I saw was generally your typical arrogant ex-jock.  But it turns out that, from day one, he had his moments of awesomeness.  Thusly:

If you're wondering why he's using football lingo, he was a Super Bowl-appearing quarterback.  I don't know what the actual term is for such a thing, but he was going to play in the Super Bowl the next day.  I guess the child was lucky Steve didn't go 100% football mode and spike the kid.  Although that would have sold some comics!

Oh, yeah.  He had bad knees, and that pretty much ended his football career.  It didn't have to end his success with the women, though.  If you could say you had to stop playing football because you were injured saving a baby, the dames love that sort of thing.  That's actually what I told Beloved when I was explaining why I had never actually played in the Super Bowl.

Anyway, Lois has kind of a strange thing going on where Steve is concerned:

At first I though she was angry at Clark for interrupting their quality flirty-time, but I think she was genuinely annoyed that Clark was late.  But Steve has a thing for Lois:

And, as we all know, the best way to get a woman to lose interest in your romantic rival is to bully him using your expertise at a sport you play professionally:

But nope.  No dice:

Yeah.... I don't think Lois bought what Steve was selling.  I may be wrong, but it appears that anyone short of Superman himself just doesn't do it for her.

But Steve is far too good of a putz to leave the comic so:

And Clark's loss is our gain, because love him or hate him, the scenes at the Daily Planet got a little less boring with Steve around.

And then we get into the incredibly boring Untold Tales of Krypton back-up feature:

I love me some Elliot S! Maggin, but... yeah, I quit reading once I saw that title.  Someone let me know if I'm missing out on something.

So, I will see you guys again on December 28th!

Thursday, December 17, 2015

Superman vs. The Giant Flaming Wolf

I love Silver Age covers.  Check out this installment of 

Well.... That's That. (tm!)

Well.... That's That.  (tm!)

Moving on to another awesome cover: 

See?  Photography in comics is always awesome.  Can the story live up to the hype?  You be the judge:

Um.... well, it is a giant flaming wolf.


Ooooookay, we're jumping into the giant flaming wolf's mouth and it's a portal to another world.  You're losing me.

Okay, we're done.  There may be some story in mythology to this effect, but I couldn't find it.  So, either this is a terrible story on its own merits or they appropriated a story that was terrible hundreds of years ago, and that's even worse.  If you're going to swipe a story, at least swipe a good one.

See you tomorrow!

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Superman's Boot-Kissing Battles!

Check out the cover to Superman #261:

This is either gonna be awesome, or a huge disappointment.

So, who is Star Sapphire?  Check out possibly the most useless origin recap ever:

Why does this happen sometimes?  I don't know and it apparently isn't at all important.

Anyhoo, Lois goes somewhere to do a story on Star Sapphire and...

Now why is Creepy McCreepypants asking Lois to pose in a costume?  Seriously, there is nothing of any journalistic value that would come of that.  Nice try, McCreepypants!

Hey!  It's time for some Fun with Out of Context Dialogue! (tm!)


And one things leads to another and...

Yeah!  Just what we were promised on the cover!  Awesome!

Okay, okay... I'm going to call a time-out here.  I try to keep things "PG-13" around this place and I'm not at all certain where things are going... but judging from Superman's facial expression, it's something he isn't very comfortable with either.  Let this be a lesson about... I don't know.  Something.

See you tomorrow!