Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Fantomah Does Not Permit Her Jungle Friends to Be Shot... Although They Are Free to Kill and Eat One Another!

Dear Ones, I have work stuff for the next couple of days, so I'll see you again on Monday, okay?

But before I go...

The Fantomah post I did had some of the highest traffic I've ever had here at CMNS.  I have no idea why that was.  In tribute, I've resigned myself to leafing through the remaining copies of Jungle Comics at my disposal, but I've got to tell you, they really sanitized her over the course of the series.

As you may recall from the previous post, she would hover around like the Spectre and turn her head into a skull and whatnot.  But the later issues consist of this kind of thing ad nauseum:

Yeah, that about sums her up.  She went from being a supernatural force of vengeance to a member of Greenpeace.

Yeah, she's a "Mystery Woman of the Jungle" with some minor parlor tricks, but it's like when they turned Woody Woodpecker into a Saturday morning cartoon.

He went from this:

to this:

It's sad when things lose their edge like that.

I'll trudge through them, though.  It's not like it could be worse than Space Adventures.

Speaking of which:

Okay, you see the girl there?  She's the villain of one of the stories. Oddly enough, she has a silver appearance much like Captain Atom would when DC revived him in the 80's.

Anyway, she's the big menace, right?

Here's the big ending:

He swoops down and carries her to space without any fight at all.  And he looks as bored as I feel.:

I kid you not, that was it.  He sees her for the first time, grabs her, dumps her on an asteroid or whatever, and then goes back to get props from the President.  And you thought the ending to Mass Effect 3 was bad!

So, yeah, my standards are pretty low.  I'll get to work on these issues of Jungle Comics and see what I can find.  

See you on July 1st!

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

EZ-DO.... Where It Ain't So Easy to Do!

So I was thumbing my way through Space Adventures #42 and, as is often the case, I found the ads more entertaining than the stories themselves.  

Wow.  Now, I am the first to say that times change, because in my day wearing a bike helmet would get you ostracized (if not knocked off your bike) by your peers, and it is now considered perfectly okay by nearly everyone.

But it seems like, even back in 1961 when this ad came out, that this is just an invitation to a level of ridicule that would have you devoting at least one evening a week to therapy well into your adult years. And, social stigma notwithstanding, that looks like it would be a heck of a thing to keep clean, so it would ultimately be a safety hazard when you couldn't see clearly through it.

But it goes on.  Thusly:

I think we've touched on luggage ads before, but this one impressed me with its honesty:

I'm not even sure what "fancy" luggage is, which tells you how formal my upbringing was.

Moving on to perhaps one of the most short-sighted things you could give a child:

Oooookay... and then what?  Do we toss the baby chick to fend for itself in the elements?  Do we let the kid raise it until the time comes for it to be the "guest of honor" at dinner?  I'm just not sure where this is leading me.  

As a child, of course, I would have shoved this ad under my mother's nose and she wisely would have told me I was out of my mind, like when I wanted a live rabbit for Easter.  It seems like this is one of those things that's just designed to create a rift between parent and child.

Speaking of which, imagine if your kid came to you and said s/he won a contest and this was first prize:

Yes, it is an in-ground swimming pool.  By the way, you have to install it yourself.

But I'm not sure the other prizes were any better:

Yes, nothing teaches poise like sticking your child in a giant hamster wheel.  I understand this is a common technique used by British Royalty in preparation for social formals.

And by the way, I tried to find out if "Washington State Schools for the Blind" were really sticking visually impaired children in these things, and I found nothin'.  If anyone can confirm/deny this, please let me know because, frankly, I find the idea very troubling.

It was embarrassment of riches today, but I'm still not above a little Fun with Out of Context Dialogue! (tm!)

Yeah, Weirdo!  Let's see how you like juice!

See you tomorrow!

Monday, June 24, 2013


Let's start our week off with some random observations I had whilst reading All-Flash #30:

Even the most casual comic reader knows that a Flash (Golden Age, Barry, Wally, Bart, Max... take your pick) is a dickens to imprison because they can just vibrate out of any shackles for some reason.  I'm sure there's a scientific explanation but please don't try and explain it to me as it will only end in tears for both of us.  Anyway, point is, Flash can get right out of that stuff without having to build a fire with his feet using that very same technique.

Now, at the risk of sounding all "Comic Book Guy" on you, I thought this was something that must have come later.  But check it out.  Same issue:

Okay, so why didn't he do that earlier instead of....

... okay, just never mind.

Moving on...

Jay Garrick... Scientist.

Kids were just a little easier to impress back in the day.

I appreciate that a criminal used to dress up to commit a burglary.  A felony shouldn't be a casual affair.

Jay Garrick... Scientist.

Okay, it happened twice.  Now it's an official CMNS meme!

Jay Garrick... Scientist (tm!)

See you tomorrow!

Friday, June 21, 2013

What a Shame to Dismember a Thin Person, But if I Must...

The time has come to check out a CMNS Moment of Comic Book Greatness (tm!), courtesy of Spy Smasher #3.  For you historians, this is the first issue of his own title where he switched his costume from brown to green, which wasn't nearly as practical but looked a lot better nonetheless:

"So," you're thinking, "is Adam just being silly?  What's great about that?"

Well, it was the set-up for THIS:

YEAH!  Apparently, Alan Armstrong was on the Exxon Valdez.

This has been a CMNS Moment of Comic Book Greatness! (tm!)

Meanwhile, I'm noticing a theme here:

It's a shame to kill her because she's thin?  So, if she wasn't a size 2, you'd be okay with it?

Apparently, fat-bashing has been around a looooong time.

Bah.  Let's get another CMNS Moment of Comic Book Greatness! (tm!), courtesy of All-Flash #30:

Best. Death Scene. EVER.

See you Monday!

Thursday, June 20, 2013

It's Not Fun Until Someone Yells "AI-EEEEE!"

Hey, gang!  Did you ever want to be on AMC's Comic Book Men?  I got a note from a casting agent that says they're lookin', so if you live in the NJ area you may want to check it out.

In a bit of a rush, but there's always time to continue our look at America's Best Comics #5!

The Doc Strange story this issue introduced us to the Green Ghoul....

Any similarities between the Green Ghoul and the Red Skull are entirely coincidental.  At least, that's what we'll say in court.

That ring he's packing had some sort of explosive quality to it.  I mean, not explosive enough that it blew anyone's face off if he hit them with it although that would have been awesome.

But explosive rings mean nothing to a cheesed-off Virginia:

Not that the world couldn't always use one less Nazi, but I imagine the authorities might have appreciated the opportunity to interrogate the guy.  I mean, there was a war going on and all.  But the war efforts of a nation mean nothing to a woman scorned, so take note, fellas!

I found evidence that misleading profile pics existed long before the Internet:

Theo is kind of a jerk.

See you tomorrow!

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Light a Match!

Taking a look at America's Best Comics #5. I referenced before how odd it is that Pyroman's powers don't have anything to do with fire, and it appears that the writers, on at least some level, agreed with me.

See?  It's like they're saying, "It's too late to turn back now, but we'll have him fight a fire guy."

That was a product of the evil Dr. Fosfer, not to be confused with DC's Dr. Phosphorous, the Golden Age Starman villain (who... SPOILER ALERT!... eventually killed the Golden Age Starman).  Dr. Fosfer figured out a way to animate fire things... which you kind of feel obliged to do if your name is "Fosfer." 

FRANZ!  No more Taco Bell for you before these meetings!

Check out this little known fact about the Black Terror:

See?  If you hit him hard enough, it will apparently knock out both the Terror and his sidekick, Tim.  I don't know if they had some sort of "Corsican Brothers" relationship or what, but the evidence is clear.

Hey!  Let's finish with some Fun with Out of Context Dialogue! (tm!)

That's what HE said!

Thank you, thank you!

See you tomorrow!

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

A Few Roos Loose in the Top Paddock, He Is!

Here's a little "Man of Steel" (hi, Googlers!) fun from Adventure Comics #293, courtesy of contributor Robert Gillis!

I don't know why we act like time travel is so dang unlikely.  Clearly, we just have to follow the convenient calendar pages! The Time Barrier is easier to navigate than an interstate!

From Adventure #301, we have confirmed that Superman blows.  And that he also has a skewed perspective on what's important:

Yeah, if he's moving the Earth around, I'm a bit more concerned about earthquakes and tidal waves.  The last thing I'm worried about is the accuracy of my Goats in Trees calendar.

You think I made that one up, don't you?

Exhibit "A":

Meanwhile, from Amazing Spider-Man #384:  

Oh, no!  Please don't say the word...

Blarg.  Cue the Origin Montage! (tm!)

We GET It! (tm!)

I haven't posted every time we've seen the origin flashback, by the way.  I try to limit it to once every five or six sightings.

And here's something that caught my eye from Amazing #345:

First, Boomerang was born in Australia but raised the United States, so I don't know why he's getting all Crocodile Dundee there.

But more to the point:

Okay, no one working on the docks noticed the magenta pants and the bright blue boots?  I realize that New Yorkers are a pretty jaded bunch, but it seems like someone would have called him out on that.  You know, like the Seinfeld episode where Jerry had to wear cowboy boots?  Those are much worse.

Crikey!  See you tomorrow!

Monday, June 17, 2013

Oh, Tom! You Beat Up a Subordinate! You're WONDERFUL!

Annd we're back!  Let's take a look at a hilarious ad I found in the Silver Age Phantom Lady #4....

.... and no, it isn't the bra ad, although I swear there totally was one.

Well, they're kind of giving it all away in the title, but let's go along for the ride, shall we?

Actually, Tom, that was a test to see if you could stand up for yourself.  You failed.  Your're totally fired.  Get out of my office.  You sicken me.

In other words, I'm a bitch.

Look at this ad!  I SAID LOOK AT IT!

Actually, Tom, this was all a clever ruse so I could watch you do weird exercises in your underwear.  Naughty me!

And several sexual assaults perpetrated by Sam unto Tom later...

Yeah, that's my management style!  And my dating style, too!  Hope you have good dental insurance, Betty!

Anyone talks about unionizing, and they'll be getting some more of what I gave Betty last night!

Whee!  That was fun.  Thank you, Silver Age!

Friday, June 14, 2013

My Clothes! They Are Gone!!!

Guys, I had originally planned on being on staycation next week.  That isn't going to happen.  Silly gainful employment getting in the way of my good times!

Meanwhile, let's enjoy a super-sized post courtesy of Pep Comics #12, which introduced us to the evil Dr. Wang:

I just like that there was a character called "Dr. Wang."  Imagine the devices he could have.  A "wang rod," a "wang cave," a "wang belt"... the possibilities abound.

They didn't give this guy much of an origin, but it appears that he invented Facebook:

Prepare yourself for my favorite Shield moment since the introduction of Dusty:

For a "Spectacular Boy Detective," Dusty is a little slow on the uptake here.  

The story didn't end there, sadly... but in my heart, it totally did.


Strange woman approaches your airplane factory during wartime with a strange helmet on her head, and you let her right in.

Worst. Security Guard. Ever.

This issue introduced a new series called Danny in Wonderland, a story that delights me in that it appears to a very promising source of blog material, and yet...

... the whole thing starts getting kind of sexual...

wait for it... wait for it...

Don't do it, Danny!  DON'T GO OUTSIDE!

Now, I know you're thinking I doctored that panel.  I did not.

Urgh!  That was just disturbing.  Let's finish off with some Fun with Out of Context Dialogue! (tm!)

See you Monday!