Friday, August 31, 2007

Are We Not the Manliest of Men?

Please note, Dear Ones, that because Monday is Labor Day, there will not be a new posting until Tuesday. But, before we go, let us celebrate our masculine sides!

That little bugger snuck a funny one in! I'm from your anus! That's pretty good for a smart-aleck from the 1950's!

Jerry the Jitterbug just made the Character Hall of Fame. No teases allowed in his jalopy! Put out or get out, Toots!

Is it such a good idea to hang the rifle from the Christmas tree? Merry Christmas, kids! Say, what's that hanging from the tree? Let me see if I can reach it.... OW! I've been shot in the eye!

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Super Safari Day!!!!

It's Super Safari Day here at Comics Make No Sense!!!! Why? No particular reason at all!!! Whoo-hoo!


Yeah, Lana! How's your dad recovering from his bout of Jungle Fever?

HEE HEEEEEEE! That one's so funny by itself, I don't need to say anything.

Only a woman would genuinely fail to see the issue here. We only wanted to take their rare natural resource - what's the problem?

This is the meanest ad I've ever seen. It's practically a four-color snuff film.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Heartbreaking Love of Romance Day!

Don't get too wound up, Clark. If she's calling you sweet and kissing you on the cheek, that's where it's gonna end. Trust me on that. Welcome to Friendville, population: you.

Who loves them some gigantic gorillas? Who don't loves them some gigantic gorillas?

It may not have anything to do with love in the traditional sense of the word, but I can't ignore the fact that this child exhales helium, and that's a mighty nifty trick!

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Three to the Four, Homeys!

I'll quit commenting on the Fantastic Four when they quit giving me things to comment on.

Arrrgh! Never in all of our years have the FF encountered a foe as fearsome as.... Mephisto - Master of the Purple Nurple!

Meet the Mayor of Almost-Gets-the-Obvious-but-Not-Quite-Ville. Yeah, a family made of Reed and Sue and their son Franklin is an awful big coinkydink (especially considering what an unusual first name "Reed" is), but.... oh hey, are those stuffed mushrooms?

"My body tingles as the platform rises!"

Um.... need a little alone time there, Sue? How about a towell? No? Oh.... ok, just yell when you're done....

Monday, August 27, 2007

Aquaman - Badass

Wow.... the Coast Guard is getting to be just a little too lazy, don't you think? I mean, Aquaman is supposed to be the King of the Freakin' Seven Seas, and these guys are talking about hitting him up to establish traffic lanes. This would be insane except.....

our co-dependent super-hero agrees:

Takes right to it, doesn't he? He reminds me of the Capital Patrol - those security cops that work in government areas who won't do a thing to help you if you're getting sodomized by Osama Bin Laden on the steps of the Capitol Building, but will appear out of nowhere to write you a ticket if you double-park. I kid you not... I was present when an employee was assaulted by an angry client. Where was Captiol Patrol? Writing a ticket on the parked car of my co-worker. Their response? "Well, we can't be everywhere." It's hard to argue with that kind of logic...

So, where does one go to pay that ticket exactly? I mean, a guy who lives like a fish just wrote you a citation, so where do we go from here? If the clerk's office is at the bottom of the Briney Deep, I think old Horace ought to shove Alma out of the boat until she goes down and pays it for him.

Friday, August 24, 2007

Were the Classics Really So Classic?

Okay, so I guess I'm the only one yesterday that appreciated the entertainment value in Black Adam's use of his powers to rip off a guy's face while making a joke about it. But isn't this just as disturbing, if not downright silly? Instead of turning yourself into a human foghorn, why not just fly the whole car to the nearest police station like you've done a thousand times before and since? If I'm a cop and I just hear a disembodied voice coming from miles away, it's probably going to be more trouble than it's worth for Superboy to wait on me to find him.... you just can't tell me this was better than Black Adam ripping that guy's face off.

Now, this is pretty good stuff. If you've ever seen a prison movie or Oz on HBO, you know that you don't want to risk unspecified things showing up in your mouth. Trust me on that one.

Well, considering his house and his cow are blowing down the street, I'd think that a little mussed hair is the least of Charlie's concerns, but proper appearance was apparently a big deal back in the day. That's why June Cleaver always wore pearls when she was doing the housecleaning.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Character Hall of Fame - Black Adam

I just finished all 52 issues of 52 and the accompanying World War III mini. I know you all have long-since read it, but I like to read these things all in one fell swoop.

Black Adam rocks. Check out his defiance. Send out the entire DCU - he doesn't care! He's got an industrial-sized drum of Whoop-Ass for ya!

But check out the expression on Mary Marvel's face. Let me embiggen:

What is up with the expression on her face? I'd swear she was about to cough up a hairball.

Black Adam puts the pun back in punishment.

Um.... this is off-topic, but why is Aquaman defending a seafood restaurant? Wasn't he on speaking terms with the Blue Plate Special?

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Fantastic Four Sex! Yeah, sex!

Hi, Googlers!

I know some guys like an assertive woman, but are you really allowed to comment on your prospect's skin color? I mean, is that ever really okay? I know she's green and everything herself, but really.... is that ever a good idea when trying to get someone to go out with you?

Don't think that passion ends at marriage. Reed and Sue have been married for over 200 issues by this point, and Sue still takes time to.... well, make herself look like the Amish. Poor Reed.

I'd never say it to his face, though. I'd be saying things like, "Wow, Reed! You get to tap that every night! You lucky bastard!" I'm a cool cat that way.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Water Safety Monday!

Sure, summer is almost over, but it's still dang hot! Sooooooo, let's learn water safety with Aquaman!

You know, they say there are some people who really just want to date themselves. Guess there's some truth to it. But c'mon, Aquaman! Focus!

So, what do you suppose Wolfie's plan was, exactly? I mean, if he's rescued, he'll look like a little baby who can't swim, and that's hardly going to make the chicks swoon. He should keep going with that asshat thing, though. Chicks dig that.

Right, Aquaman? Aquaman?

Dang it, Aquaman! Focus!

Monday, August 20, 2007

Johnny Storm, Manly Man

um... okay. Can I have my penis back? No? Oh..... okay.

Nothing Says Effective Medicine.... being so impotent it's allowed for consumption in public schools. They're just one step away from admitting they're selling Life Savers with no holes in them.

Johnny Storm, Whippersnapper

Okay, just to be clear, this is Johnny Storm trying to talk down to Captain America, not the original Human Torch who was part of the Invaders in WWII.

That being said, I think Johnny needs to think about who he's talking to. Anyone else might be impressed, but you know Cap is thinking, "Well, sonny boy, I appreciate that you've been around since the 1960's. By the way, I fought Hitler!"

Stupid punk. Anyone younger than 30 is a tool.

Friday, August 17, 2007

And Now, a Special Appearance by Wheatcakes!

Turns out Superboy and wheatcakes were the first Marvel-DC crossover event. I wonder why no one ever talks about it? Did they ret-con it out?

Reed Richards, Badass

My willing suspension of disbelief isn't kicking in here. First, and foremost, Reed is talking to Doctor Octopus. When has Doc Ock been afraid of anyone? The man has tangled with everyone this side of Galactus!

The other problem I have is that it's Reed talking to Doctor Octopus. C'mon, Reed, who are you kidding? You're a science geek with premature gray. What are you going to do, hit him with your pocket protector?

Shenanigans, I say!

The Classics Never Die

I know it's been a while since you've seen it, so here's Sue getting taken hostage again.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

What am I Looking at Here?

The dialogue is really hilarious when you consider that Johnny is obviously staring at her va-jay-jay..... Don't know what to do with it, you say? I always thought as much....

Public Service Announcement for the Day....

I just don't think that's the law in Kansas. California, maybe. In Oklahoma, a custodial parent is entitled to the earnings of the child and I just don't think a bordering state where a lot of kids work on the family farm would be much different. Maybe the judge went to law school in California. In any event, kids should hold off on pulling this stunt until they run it past a local attorney.

But, while I have your attention, who is that guy with the orange suit sitting in front of the Judge's bench and staring lecherously at Superboy? He doesn't seem to have any court function, so I'm thinking he's the local creepy guy who has to sit where the Judge can keep an eye on him so he isn't caught helping students adjust their athletic supporters at football practice....

Dang, I almost took the high road for a minute.

Oh, Well... What's for Lunch?

Ben! He's hurt! He's not moving at all!

Well, Sue, at least we're okay. Did you remember to pick up the dry-cleaning?

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Confuse Your Parents!

So, when you're hitting your parents up for a new bike, you're supposed to ask your father what brand of brakes he has on the family car? Really? I admit, that never occured to me.

Although I may call up my grandfather and ask him who made the brakes on his last car. It will be funny because he will (a) probably actually know and (b) he wouldn't consider it an odd question.

Costume Hall of Shame/Character Hall of Fame - The Roper

Wow. Where do you begin with that? Bare legs, corduroy kilt, puffy shirt... that's one for the ages.

So, how in the name of all that is good about comics did this one-shot Golden Age Green Arrow bad guy land in the Character Hall of Fame? Simple:

yup. The man is defending himself with hemp. That is so awesome in an Reefer Madness sort of way that I can hardly stand it.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Seduction of the Innocent

Okay, I don't know whose idea it was to replace Buzzy with Superboy, but that doesn't work for me. I'll take life lessons from Buzzy, and that's about it.

Secondly, watch what Superboy is telling the kid to do. You either try your hand at anything or any one of those things. See what a difference a space makes? As it is, Superboy is sounding like the pimp at a gay Taiwanese bath house.

And, he finishes it up by suggesting we make ourselves a dress. Oh, my. Oh, my my my. Where have you gone, Buzzy?

That's GOTTA Hurt!

For the benefit of my female readers, this is the last thing your guy wants to hear unless it is in reference to his performance as a male. I know, it makes no sense, but we want to be the source of the "Most Intense Experience You've Ever Felt." I don't care if you just got back from Mars, we still want that experience to pale in comparison to your "quality time" with us. Why doesn't she just tell him he's her best friend ever and get it over with?

Too Much Information

Ben became even more nauseated when he realized Johnny was talking about his own sister. Ever since Johnny saw the movie where she was portrayed by Jessica Alba, he's been fighting "stirrings."

Monday, August 13, 2007

Now, THOSE...

.... are some big-ass birds. Where does Aquaman find all these creatures that suffer from giganticism?

Great Comic Book Ads of the Past

Wow.... a serial child murderer and advocating chemical dependency all in 5 short panels. That's entertainment!

Hey, Kids!

Bored with that old slingshot? Well, sell some crap and we'll send you a working firearm! Then, you can just cut out the middleman and rob people!

Friday, August 10, 2007

Ben Grimm, King of the Wild Frontier

I know they draw Ben doing stupid things sometimes just to give us a cheesy sight gag, but I fall for it every time. Tell me you don't love this.

Know Your Place, Boy!

Um... Roy, whose name is first on the proverbial marquee? I don't recall taking orders from my sidekick! Isn't there some heroin you should be mainlining or something?

Too Many Benefits....

I appreciate that it makes my hair all slicky and manageable, but I could live without the second head.

Thursday, August 9, 2007

Roadside Assitance

You know, Aquaman doesn't get a lot of respect, but he's clearly a nice guy. Here he is, acting like the seafaring version of AAA. Do you think Batman would pull over and help you if you had a flat tire? I think not.