Friday, July 31, 2009

Get Yer Hands Off'n My Woman Friday!!!

Why, these must be the World's Finest Comics! Know why? Because it says so, right on the cover!

Watch the hands, Bruce. We live in a very litigious society.

Sacre Bleu! C'Est Le Superman!

Now, why you'd leave France where the most super-powered guy is "Milord Justice," and go where the guy who is bulletproof lives, I don't know.

Hey, Kids! Gum!

Have fun with gum! And thinly-veiled racism!

See you Monday!

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Make Yourself at Home and Give Me Your Clothes Thursday!

Now, let me get this straight: You've got Superman standing right there. The guy who can fly, life up entire buildings, shoot heat rays out of his eyes, and is slower only than the Flash.

Who is Batman trying to raise on the telegraph?

I mean, do you have someone who might be a little better equipped to handle the situation? Frankly, if I've got Superman and Batman helping me out, and Batman hops on the telegraph to raise some ham radio operator in Scotland for assistance, I'm going to think I have given these guys way too much credit over the years.

This is the best Buzzy PSA ever:

I put this on my personal Facebook page and "tagged" some friends with it. It was very well-received, so feel free to do the same.

A great one from Batman #46:

Whitey learned the hard way why no one took Batman up on his offer to "go out for a few drinks and some male bonding" more than once...

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Dishin' and Gossipin' with the Gals Wednesday!

It's no secret that Yours Truly loved the 80's. I loved the Jersey Girl hair, the neon colors, and songs you could actually sing along with. But the comics really took a dive.

I'm going to continue to pick on the Avengers, because it's just so easy and I'm just so lazy. Let's take a look at the roster circa Avengers v1 #240:

Normally, I'm all about the B-listers. Give me a team with the Falcon, the Beast, the Jack of Hearts and Banshee, and I'll buy 5 copies a month. But to do a team of B-listers right, you have to (a) develop them into interesting characters in their own right, and (b) come up with decent storylines. And, while it's almost cliche for a blogger to show DC love and slam on Marvel, this is something DC did very well. Giffen's Justice League International, Ostrander's Suicide Squad (and later Gail Simone's Secret Six)..... heck, even the JSA is made up of characters who don't have their own solo titles. All of these books are awesome in their own right, and did so (by and large) without any characters that a non-comic reader had ever heard of. Marvel has had bright moments in this respect , like with the New Defenders and the Champions, but it seems like Marvel just doesn't know what to do with a book that doesn't have Wolverine. And that's the problem with having a golden goose like Wolverine: It's too tempting to get lazy.

Anyway, this line-up is not only looking like they should be selling Avon and Tupperware (4 of the 5 team members are female, not including the guest appearances of Spider-Woman and Tigra) rather than fighting crime, but they aren't even eye candy. Check out how the Wasp is looking:

Green and purple are two colors you will never see a person wearing together in real life, for good reason. And what's with that hair?

To be fair, the She-Hulk is always kinda cool:

Booger check!

And Captain Marvel is easily impressed:

I suppose when your powers are as lame as the good captain's, this sort of trick is quite amazing. I find it hard to believe that Thor would be just as dazzled.

So, I plow through these perfectly awful stories, waiting for the title to rise again. Two issues later, the only thing noteworthy?:

Yup. Another booger check.

See you tomorrow!

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Pounding the Alfalfa Tuesday!

The cruel reality:

If you have skin problems, you aren't even allowed to go to the Prom. And he's so unpopular, even his sister doesn't get invited to things. That's one harsh town! Although, in their defense, those are some pretty terrifying blackheads!

More on Guardian-Ward questions courtesy of the Human Torch and Toro:

I don't know what kind of movie they went to, or why Toro is so ready to "pound the alfalfa," or what it even means to "pound the alfalfa." But the whole thing sounds kinda wrong.

Okay, remember a time back where we looked at Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson sleeping in the same bed? As you pointed out in the comments, you could probably see some daylight there, so it might have been two twin beds pushed inappropriately close together. It's still kinda ewwww, but anything is mitigating in that kind of situation.

But I double-dog dare you to try and explain this:

Other than the fact that the Torch is an android, I'm thinking we've got a Child Welfare situation going on here, because they are clearly sleeping in the same bed.

See you tomorrow!

Monday, July 27, 2009

Traditional Family Values Monday!

Whew! Mondays are serious butt-kickers at work. Sorry for the late post, but again, if I don't post by 5:00, this blog is FREE! That's the CMNS Pledge!

Here's a little Christmas Cheer from the guy who dresses up like a bat and runs around with a young boy wearing green panties:

Gee, Mom and Dad! Is it that train set I've been wanting? I'll just peek in the box and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!

Courtesy of Robert Gillis, we have a Random Slap! (tm!):

Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy.... what would Superman say? Well, he'd probably tell you to put your shoulder into it and make her teeth rattle.

Here's another one from Robert that takes a little explaining:

Okay, for our non-comic geek readers, this is Bruce Wayne, not Clark Kent. Bruce is Batman, so thinking of his friend Superman while kissing a girl is more than a little homo-erotic.

Hey! We got to say "homo-erotic!" Now I get to wait for my boycott from the Baptists!

Thanks, Robert!

See you tomorrow!

Friday, July 24, 2009

Search Engine Friday!

If you haven't gone to Google to see the logo that's up today for the San Diego Comic-Con, check it out!

Meanwhile, back in WWII:

I've determined once again that I'd rather fight Captain America than his sidekick. You may get a shield upside the head, but Bucky will put a mace across your face. That kid's mean.

I'm not sure how mean his foes were, though:

Yes, they were evil Japanese. But they were polite, even while trying to blow your brains out.

Say, Bucky, with Microsoft coming out with a new search engine, what site will you use?

I think Microsoft was hoping the answer would be "Bing," but I've used it and I don't see the difference.

Now here's some Japanese I was expecting to see:

We could just shoot you, which would be a whole lot more reliable, but since I am yellow, buck-toothed and have a really misshapen head, we will devise a simple deathtrap from which you can easily escape! Fear the Axis!

Cap? Have you tried Microsoft's new search engine? Which one will you be using these days?

Yeah, I feel the same way.

See you Monday!

Thursday, July 23, 2009

The Highs and Lows of Batman Thursday!

By the late 1990's, it was well-established that Batman, given twenty minutes in the Batcave, could come up with a way to throttle anyone, even people Superman and Green Lantern couldn't get around. It became ridiculous after a while, but it's hard to know where you put a normal guy in stories among virtual gods. Even in the early days, it was hard to pin down.

For example, from Batman #43:

Yep. Popcorn in Batman's face will stop him cold. It will even cause Robin to freeze in his boots, whether the popcorn touches him or not. I'm surprised word of this unexpected Achilles heel didn't spread like wildfire among the Gotham underworld. Every crook in town would have a bag of Orville Redenbacher handy.

But then, Bats would turn around and do this little maneuver in Batman #45:

Yes, I admit I would never have the foresight to plant magnesium powder in a wig. That's why you're Batman, and I'm just some nerd who writes a free blog.

Speaking of nerds:

I was going to slam on the Harry Potter dunce cap-wearing guy on the right, but that girl reclining on the rug is obviously totally into him. So, play on, playa!

See you tomorrow!

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

CMNS Loves Health Care Reform Wednesday!

Health care reform is certainly a big discussion these days. And it seems like the most openly religious folks are the ones most opposed. I did a little read-through on the subject, and learned that most uninsured American families have at least one full-time worker. That being the case, I presume that these people think Jesus wants the working lower class to go without medical care. I put that up on my personal Facebook page, and you'd be surprised the veritable sh!tstorm of responses you'll get.

But I know one thing about health care. You don't want to see this guy from Batman #42!:

That's one heck of a diagnosis there, House! What tipped you off? The fact that the man told you he can't see anything?

Ah, let's get away from politics with a hilarious Peanuts strip from 1953:

Boy, Charles Schultz had a bit of an edge to him back in the day! That's good stuff!

And here's a few helpful tips courtesy of Team America #6 so you can honestly tell your parents this site is educational:

Of course, if you're reading comic books, especially anything as lame as Team America, you probably can't watch an episode of Knight Rider without hurting yourself. Thanks for thinking so highly of us, though!

See you tomorrow!

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Star-Spangled Boogers Tuesday!

Wow, you people hate Facebook. There are over a thousand hits a week on this site, and surprisingly few of you want to publicly own up to being a reader. Oh, I hear the rooster crow! My legions, is your hatred of Facebook more powerful than your love for bad comics????

In the mid-1980's, comics started hitting a low point again. They were printed on cheap paper, the artwork was crude, and the stories were every bit as bad as non-comic readers assume they always have been and always will be. But that's no reason we can't celebrate that trademark Marvel Comics Awkward Perspective! (tm!):

Is there a reason I'm looking right up Captain America's nose here? Is he asking me to do a booger check? You know you're really tight with someone when you know you can ask them to do a booger check.

The term of the day is apparently, "booger check." Booger check!

More of why the Avengers in the '80s really started to go downhill:

Now don't try to tell me I'm a snob. I'm the one who liked it when the Falcon and the Beast were on the team, and they aren't exactly going to be made into major motion pictures any time soon, but Starfox? Oh, disembodied floating heads, I share your disgust! It's like when you're choosing teams for kickball and you get stuck with the kid who has serious asthma but never has his inhaler handy.

And oh, yay. More Scarlet Witch. I presume this was designed to lose the few readers left after they put Starfox on the team:

It's been what, 20 years since her intro by the time this came out, and I still couldn't have told you how her power works. It's been another 20 years since this issue, and I still don't get it. I don't think you do, either. You can try and explain it to me all you want, but I don't think anyone understands how magic can be a mutant power you're born with.

Ugh. Starfox and the Scarlet Witch in the same post. It's turning into the U.S.1 retrospective all over again. Let's watch Charlie Brown lose his sh!t, circa 1954:

Ah, Charlie Brown. You've saved us yet again. Charlie Brown didn't lose it so much after those early days, and I really think that's a shame. Some people are just fun to watch freak out (see: Friend Kyle).

I'll booger check you tomorrow!

Monday, July 20, 2009

Frame-Jumping Genius Monday!

I've got a question for you:

Who's the genius? Well, apparently it's me! I have finally put up a Facebook page. Yes, I have joined all those young hipsters and whippersnappers what with their Facebook pages, juice boxes and MTV! So, if'n yer on "the 'Book" (that's what the cool kids call it, don't they? They don't? Oh.), then add me! I'll be waiting!

Meanwhile, let's jump a frame!

Swing, Gate! Swing!

Thanks, Batman #42!

See you tomorrow!

Friday, July 17, 2009

Learning How to Handle Disappointment is an Important Part of Growing Up Friday!

When a comic comes out monthly, 12 issues is a lot longer than when you read them all in bulk. That's why it seemed like the Avengers swapped teams after every mission when you read them all at once rather than waiting a month between chapters. Usually, though, the changes were so lame that it really didn't matter. Case in point:

How utterly bitchin' would the team have been if it had consisted of Rom, Daredevil, Wolverine, Spider-Man, and Luke Cage? But, as usual, this was nothing but a big tease. Who do we get? Hawkeye, who was always around even when he wasn't an official member of the team, and the She-Hulk. Another super-strong character. Yippee. I can hardly contain the excitement.

And yes, I know that 30 years later, we would finally see Wolverine, Spider-Man, and Luke Cage on the team. Unfortunately, by that time I was tired of seeing Wolverine in every Marvel title.

But it gets worse:

Okay, when you call yourself "Captain Marvel" and the word "Shazam!" isn't connected to your character in any way, you'd better be pretty dang cool. She wasn't. Her power consisted largely of zipping around and doing nothing other than amazing easily-impressed people with how fast she was able to zip around. Someday, I'm going to write a story where this Captain Marvel, the Wasp, the Scarlet Witch, Jocasta and Tigra get together and get their collective ass handed to them by the Matador, Stilt-Man and the Rocket Racer. Although, since this was that era where it was mandated by both Marvel and DC that every team be led by some lame female character, I should be glad she wasn't put in charge.

But at least we got great moments like this:

Seriously? This was Marvel's super-team? No wonder people were reading X-Men.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

The Guardian-Ward Relationship is Not Without Issues Thursday!

Once you start introducing aliens, you've officially run out of ideas:

These aren't even scary aliens. How menacing can you be without opposable thumbs?

Sometimes, we must SING!

Robert Gillis gives us this look at what happens when the crimefighting ends:

While I don't know I have enough hard evidence to call child welfare, it's a safe bet that when you get attacked while you're naked in the shower by the child with whom you used to share a bed, you need parenting skills classes, if not a long stretch in prison. Thanks, Robert!

See you tomorrow!

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Museum Pieces Wednesday!

When is the last time you checked out World's Finest #63? Well, neighbor, that's too long!

You know, if you get your friends to brag about you in exchange for doing the same, you're still bragging. I'm just saying.

Let's check in on Green Arrow and his young ward:

Wow. Speaking of museum pieces, Roy's looking pretty rough for a teenager there. I'd say we can mark this as the official date we started suspecting him of having that little heroin problem.

I'm weaponless... unless I pick my arrows up off the floor! They're still all in the quiver, but it's on the floor and I'll have to bend over and even though I have my bow it's an awful long way down to the floor and it might be easier just to dodge this guy's shots until HE runs out of arrows and then maybe I could throw my bow at him because my arrows are on the floor and there's probably lint on the feathers now because that floor looks like it hasn't been cleaned in a while...

And now, just so you can be amazed by what used to constitute entertainment:

There are six pictures on that "television," and I don't care how hilarious the cartoon is, I'm prepared to guess it gets a little stale after a while. I'd love to see one of these things in person, though.

Not that they had spell-check back in the day....

but it wouldn't have caught this anyway. I'll bet a lot of 6 year olds were giggling at that little typo!

See you tomorrow!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Even More Slappin' Tuesday!

From Avengers v.1 #217-18:

If you stand too close to a chick with a metal arm....

.... expect to be slapped! Whack!

And if you talk like a 1800's ranch hand while guarding a high-tech weapons facility....

expect to be slapped! Wak! Wok!

And, most of all, if you are the Wasp in the 1980's.....

expect to be slapped. A lot. Even by small children, who think you are an insufferable fool. Boont!

This has been a public service announcement from Comics Make No Sense!

See you tomorrow!