Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Those Wacky Dames Wednesday!

By the 30th Century, we will fully appreciate the contribution women can make in battle. As Cosmic Boy, Lightning Lad and Superboy demolish things, Light Lass contributes by..... not falling as she gets shot out of the sky.

Empowerment moves at its own pace....

He's been struck blind, but the real tragedy (according to Karen) is that he'll never fully appreciate her new hair-do.

I love comics so much.

A little-known part of Legion membership is that you are brow-beaten to find your feminine side. Cry, damn you! Cry! A real man embraces his tears!

Monday, April 28, 2008

Time Out to Build Character Tuesday!

Alright, you ne'er do wells! You partied all day with the Legion, so now it's time to show a little civic responsibility! "But how?" you ask?

Why, by becoming one of "Robin's Regulars" of course. Now, when I first heard that name, I thought it was referring to one's dietary fiber intake (when you get old like me, those sort of things take on a new importance). But, no!

Apparently, it refers to a willingness to beat the crap out of guys to prove some kind of point:

Now, mind you, the story was flowing in a completely different direction up to this point regarding a jewel heist. Batman, for some reason, decides to interrupt everything not just to defeat the evil plans of criminals, but to humiliate them with an industrial size can of whoop-ass.

I'm not sure what this proved, to tell you the truth. I mean, I agree that kids tend to idolize the wrong people, like egomaniacal professional athletes and rap "musicians." But I'm not sure how beating the snot out them establishes a moral superiority.

I'm not saying I wouldn't pay cash money to see Kanye West get smacked around. I'm just not convinced it would prove anything.

It was very rare of Bats to break the fourth wall though, don't you think? At least, not unless he was trying to get me to buy Hostess Fruit Pies....

Ain't No Party Like a Legion Party Because a Legion Party Don't Stop Monday!

At the Legion of Superheroes, you work hard and you play harder:

Do the shurg! Every one's doing it! Whooooooo!

So, the big computer is a voyeuristic pervert, is that what you're saying?

I'm just bitter because the computer never picks me to kiss anyone....

But don't party too hard, or you might forget your own super-power:

Oh, if only I had mental powers and could assault my captor telepathically! Or if Chameleon Boy could somehow... oh, I don't know, change his shape or something so he could escape the cocoon! Oh, woe is us!

I find the Legion guilty.... of partyin' too hard! Whooooooo!

Friday, April 25, 2008

Color Inside the Lines Friday!

You remember those coloring place mats some restaurants gave you as a child to keep you quiet while you waited for your grub? Here's a little something-something to get you through the weekend!

This lent itself to so many jokes, my head hurt trying to figure out which one to use, so I decided to leave it to you. Give me your best!

But remember....

... if you give the guys a foreign accent when you fill in the dialogue, take note: Furriners don't speak in Times New Roman font!

Now, this one I didn't Photoshop. My copy says Superboy "farted the bog down to its bottom." If this is really how Moses got his people through the Red Sea, I'll quit fighting Beloved when she tries to make me watch The Greatest Story Ever Told every year. I just wanna hear Charleton Heston passing gas in THX....

See ya Monday!

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Wild Mood Swingin' Daredevil Thursday (aka Wild Mood Swingin' Daredevil Wednesday ver. 2.0)

In a rare moment of identity confusion, Daredevil channels longtime Justice League mascot Snapper Carr. Feast your orbs on this, Daddy-O!

"Like, snapping fingers is the coolest!"

Some guy advice for Matt Murdock: That's the kind of word choice that Karen will use against you in the courtroom while she petitions for a restraining order.

I keep waiting for him to finish the thought with, "So I cannot rest until I am wearing a button-down shirt made of your skin."


When I was a kid, I wore glasses. Allow me to speak from experience: You cannot wear glasses under a mask. Shenanigans!

I call that technique the "Reverse-Batman." In the future (just so you'll have something to look forward to) I'll post the many incidents where Batman will be in disguise and the disguise will come off, revealing that bulky cowl (complete with the pointy bat-ears) underneath that was somehow concealed by a wig.

I keep you wanting more, don't I?

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Super-Duper-Powers Wednesday!

Ah, the excitement of watching a telepath in action.

I've never understood why almost every team needs a telepath. That has got to be, bar none, one of the most boring abilities ever. Hey! It looks like Saturn Girl is about to .... concentrate! Sockamagee!


It's not that Matter-Eater Lad had the most practical of super-powers to begin with, but as a strategic move, would you send him somewhere he has to wear a helmet? The guy eats things. That's pretty much all he does. Slap a fishbowl helmet on him, and you can rest assured nothing cool is going to happen.

Unless he himself got eaten. Yeah, I'd stick around for that.

This was an idea that just barely missed the mark. No boy wants the Petticoat Junction locomotive. He wants a model of the three sisters swimming naked in the water tower.

Don't believe me? Look at the expression of the kid asking for a catalogue in the second panel. He clearly thinks "catalogue" is slang for "Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue."

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Gesture-Laden Tuesday!

My lovelies, I give you the finger! Starfinger, that is!

A different ray comes out of each finger, you say?

Go ahead and ask it.

No one is going to ask? No one? It has to be me?


What do you suppose comes out of his middle finger? And when he uses it on you, does it make an obscene gesture? If so, could I request that he appear in at least one comic a month so I can giggle like a 7 year-old?

Check out the position of the robot arm. Old Garth has got it spring-loaded to slap Irma into next week, doesn't he?

I love you, Garth!


Woman, didn't I tell you to make me some sammitches? Don't make me wind up my arm again!


Okay, let's keep in mind that Shrinking Violet can only shrink. Ray Palmer is the guy who has control over his mass as well as his size. This means that, regardless of his size at any given moment, Ray can hit you like the 180 pound man he is.

Shrinking Violet, on the other hand, gets small. This means that when she grows to normal size, she is a teenage girl. In an inappropriately short mini-skirt.

Long story short: Shrinking Violet, contrary to her commendable but ill-founded confidence, is about to grow to normal size and get her ass kicked.

Fear Starfinger! Fear him, I say!

Monday, April 21, 2008

Great to Be Back Monday!

Wow, did I miss you guys. I loves doing me some bloggin'.

Brainiac 5: C*ck Block.

Here's a classic comic ad for the CBS morning roster. See, back in the day, when there were just three networks and PBS, you relied heavily on what they gave you, so the annual line-up was quite the big deal.

Yeah, I know. Most of these shows were best forgotten (with the obvious exception of the Bugs Bunny/Road Runner Hour) , but we had another season of Shazam! and, lame as it was, it was a live-action adaptation of a comic, which made it awesome by default.

But check out the text for Isis, an insufferably boring character (until last year when she told Black Adam to wipe out humanity during the Infinite Crisis) and a show that was about as entertaining as a 9th grade history class:

Isis fights evil in all its forms! Apparently, that includes evil in the form of a train. Not sure what the train did to deserve such a bitch-slapping, but I'm sure it had it coming.

So, my fellow readers from the 70's, did anyone mutilate enough comics to get this belt buckle back in 1976? I seem to recall most of those titles were cancelled before the respective issues were published, but if anyone actually pulled it off, I'd love to hear if the buckle was worth the effort.

My sister had one of these. I think we made one shrunken head out of it before we realized it was actually a crafts project, which meant it took patience and effort so we never tried it again.

For you young 'uns, the "head" was actually an apple (you provided) which was peeled (which you did) and dried (which you did) and then sewed teeth and eyes on (which you did). Then, you waited about two days before your mother chucked it in the trash in disgust.

Hey, we didn't have Game Boys in the 1970's, ok? Stuff like that constituted entertainment back in the day.

Glad to be back, everyone!

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Let Us Not Say Goodbye, but Rather Au Revoir Friday!

Dear Ones,

I will be taking next week off for a much-deserved mental health break from work and blogging. I will miss both terribly, but never fear. I will return Monday, April 21st, with more silliness.

Meanwhile, I leave you with a nice plump posting to get you through the week.

Man, did I ever want these as a kid:

This was one of the few things my parents thwarted when I was under the age of 10 and my parents still labored under the misconception that I would eventually mature and outgrow my love of comics. I think my mother was (rightfully) afraid I would stick them on my wall where I could gaze at them lovingly every day.

But they were so cool! Hawkman and everything!

Did anyone ever get these, and if so, were they as awesome as I had imagined?

Another Great Moment in Comics:

The Time Trapper gets owned by an infant version of the Legion. Any time a comic character is turned into a baby, you can be certain there's a Great Moment in the making.

Much as I love Daredevil,

You can not make someone involuntarily spin like a top. Maybe, and I mean maybe, if he hooked the cable up to an SUV and gunned it, he might get a few spins, but that's about it.

.... and you certainly can't keep someone spinning and send them careening into others. When did Daredevil become a Looney Toons production?

That's it for me this week, folks! Me and mine have some rather difficult things to take care of in the coming weeks, so please remember us in your thoughts and prayers. I'll see you April 21st!

For the Teenaged Crimefighter Club of the Future Who Has Everything Thursday!

The X-Men had ..... the Danger Room!

That's right, they were so badass that if there weren't any butts to kick, they'd computerize some butts for the sole purpose of kicking them in their spare time.

What did the Legion do?

They sat around and studied their own constitution.

If you ever wondered why Marvel dominated the Silver Age, wonder no more.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again:

Superboy sure did enable Pa Kent's tobacco habit. He probably made liquor runs for Ma Kent as well.

This is the worst gift idea ever. I don't want to know what I'll look like in ten years! Heck, I don't want to know what I'll look like in ten minutes! There are some things I can wait to see. Yeeeesh!

It's a shame Lightning Lad didn't see Saturn Girl when she was standing in front of this thing, though. He might not have been so quick to get hitched...

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Perfectly Valid Questions Wednesday!

Here we have some interesting debate, Daredevil-style:

The skin-tightness of DD's costume notwithstanding, I would take it one step further: If you're going to kill a guy anyway, why not go scavenging after he's dead so you don't end up getting your neck snapped or something? Not to be cold about this, but it seems like robbing someone then killing them is unnecessary and probably results in some seriously bad karma.

Also, why don't superheroes carry money with them? I find myself needing a fiver every once in a while, and I tend to keep to myself. I certainly don't find myself amidst the drama your average caped co-dependant seems to cultivate.

Anyway, remember what I said about how you should probably kill a guy before you do anything else to him if that's the ultimate plan, anyway? Check it out:

See? What did I just say?

Organized crime will have to make us their leader if we defeat Daredevil! I like DD as much as the next guy, but I don't think taking him out makes you much of a badass.

Can't you just imagine how the meeting of organized crime lords would have gone if the Marauder had been successful?

You dare not challenge my leadership, for I have defeated a super-hero!

Really? Which one?


Daredevil? The acrobat who throws that stick thing?

It's called a billy club... and yes.

So, if the Avengers, the Fantastic Four, Spider-Man or Luke Cage come busting down our door, you're going to scare them off because you beat Daredevil?

Of course! It's stands to reason, doesn't it?

The guy who jumps around and throws the stick.

It's a billy club, damn you! You aren't even trying to take me seriously!


And now, for your viewing pleasure:

.... a random shot of Superboy using his x-ray vision to see through another guy's pants.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

You're Good Enough, You're Smart Enough, and Everybody Likes You Tuesday

In a bizarre moment in history, Adolph Hitler, John Dillinger, and Nero are "propositioned" by another man....


To be fair, Saturn Girl, you did take Matter-Eater Lad and later you would take Dream Girl. Is this guy really so useless?

The Giant Mechanical Owl, whose primary ability is to silence you like a junior high school librarian. Nice sound effect - from the guys who brought you "ZIT!"

Monday, April 7, 2008

Dreamy Monday!

Character Hall of Shame: Dream Girl

Is there a pre-adolescent boy out there who wouldn't be embarrassed to be caught reading a Legion comic if Dream Girl was in it?

Smiling at the boys while they check her out. Women have come a long way by the 30th Century!

Check out her awesome super-power in action:

Get it? She sleeps. You just bought a comic so you could watch someone sleep. Next month, they'll give you footage of a guy mowing his lawn.

She was supposed to be a guest star, but they brought her back for some reason. They probably did it because she was easy to draw. I mean, she sleeps. A lot. Has Black Adam killed her yet? And if not, why not?

And hey, Star Boy.... where you planning on putting that finger?

I will find what I'm after....

I forgot what he was after, but I'm guessing it was a pair of pants? Nice outfit.

This is a bonus because I'm not 100% sure it's real. If it is real, though.... that's the most awesome name since Forrest G. Knuckles....

Friday, April 4, 2008

Cinemascope Friday!

Finishing up with some stuff in comics-related media you might'a missed, but shouldn't'a . . . .

The original Swamp Thing Movie:

Never has a rubber suit been so much fun.

The Spirit:

Yup.... there was one. It aired once on tv that I know of, and starred Sam Jones, who was also Flash Gordon in the movie of the same name in the 80's. He had the look of a superguy, but just never seemed to find the right part. Anyway, this project reflected the fun of the comic.

Birds of Prey tv show:

Yeah, I know. I like the comic, I liked the tv show. Bite me.

The Constantine Video Game:

I haven't seen the movie yet, although it's in my DVD player right now. But if you haven't played the video game because video games based on movies almost always suck, this is the exception. It was a fun, creepy time worth playing to the end.

Spider-Man on The Electric Company:

By popular demand, Spider-Man on the Electric Company. This was brilliant marketing by Marvel, because I and tons of kids like me were introduced to the character this way. For the first time, I thought there might be life beyond Batman and Captain Marvel.

The Human Target tv show:

The maker of the Flash tv show I raved about put this one together, and it was great. Rick Springfield, from that point on, became cool in my eyes for life.

The Smallville version of the Justice League:

The "Justice League" episode of Smallville is the only one I've seen. It rocked. I wish they'd run with it.

In 1998, there was a not-half-bad-considering TV movie of Nick Fury, Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. Considering I normally can only stand the Ultimate version of the character, David Hasselhoff and crew must have done a pretty good job because I've seen it more than once.

Unfortunately, I can't find any clips, so here's Hasselhoff drunk:

The Generation X Tv pilot movie:

Generation X didn't go over with fans of the comic because of budget limitations and *ahem*... creative liberties from the source material. But, if you can watch this TV movie for what it was, this was actually a decent effort.

(A) it had Banshee, and (B) it had Max Headroom's Matt Frewer as a gleefully evil dude. Beloved and I enjoyed it. So there.

You can't miss out on Japanese Spider-Man!

And the greatest thing ever.....

that issue of Adventure Comics where Superboy had Hitler's brain: