Thursday, May 31, 2007

I Have a Question

The guy named himself after the planet Saturn.

Therefore, his weapon of choice is a ring.

What kind of weapon do you think the guy who named himself after Uranus uses?

My guess - whatever he can pull out of your anus!


The Fourth Estate's Finer Moments

In the WHAT column of a newspaper? The Agony column??? What the heck kind of newspapers were they putting out in the 1940's???


How did they lock around his wrists just by dropping on them? A manacle is not a lasso! Arrrrrgh! Logistical inconsistencies make my brain hurt!

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Welcome to the Occupation, pt. 2

Some people just aren't cut out for nursing....

Welcome to the Occupation, pt. 1

Is there anyone less competent to run the front desk than this lady?

Well, I'm not supposed to give out confidential information....

It's okay, Sugar T**ts, I'm a cop.

Really? Okay, then, his apartment number is....

Uh, don't you want to see a badge or anything?

A what? Oh, that's okay. His apartment number is Main 7930.

You know she's working for Homeland Security these days....


Hi, everyone!

Thanks for your kind comments and thoughts on the loss of my friend, Buddy. Every day things get better, and I appreciate your support in a big way. I'll be back on track soon.

Since there are only two panels today instead of the usual three (I'm trying to get my brain back into funny gear), let me refer you to one of the funniest things I've read in quite a while, just in case you missed it: Pets vs. Garbage Can. It's very much worth a read. Thanks, Slestak!

And, just in case I didn't e-mail it to you, check out foldedsoup's hilarious post about his own dogs.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Not It! Not It!

Wow.... taking no chances, are you? Locking the door and everything, are you? Yup, sounds like you've covered all your bases, security-wise.

Is anyone surprised this guy didn't exactly make it to the closing credits?

Tell Me 'Bout the Good Old Days

... namely, what was OSHA's position on not wearing shirts in industrial factories? It seems to me like this is right up there with frying bacon naked.

Not that I've ever fried bacon naked. I can only imagine it's a little more daring than I like to be when I'm not wearing pants.

Starman, Crime-Fighter Supreme

Remember, folks, Starman is a scientist. He developed the gravity rod, dont'cha know. So, he's a smart cookie.

Is he smart enough to, oh I dunno.... look away when something is making him sleepy? Hey, there's book smarts, and then there's the sense God gave a drunk mountain goat smarts. No one is the best at everything.

In Memory of Buddy

Hi, everyone! Welcome back from the three-day weekend! I'll bring on the funny in just a second, but I wanted to take a moment and vent a bit. I realize that we are at war, gas prices are insane, and you didn't come to this page to hear me whine, but I lost my dear friend yesterday, and wanted to tell you a bit about him.

Buddy is there on the left, graciously sharing his chair with Molly. Buddy was a rescue dog - he had been burned with cigarettes on both ears, as well as his back right leg. He was finally taken away from his previous owners when they planned to shoot him for digging under their fence and getting into the neighbor's yard.

When I came to get Buddy, the cigarette burn on his leg had become infected, and the vet had put some green antibiotic goop on it. When he saw me for the first time he was also wearing a clown collar to keep from licking it off. We locked eyes, and he charged right at me, rubbing his head against my leg and the goop onto my socks. Of course, I had to take him.

Buddy was nobody's fool. He knew how awful, abusive and cruel the world could be. Everyone but my Beloved and me scared him something awful. But he never snapped at a human being - his preferred mode of defense was to cry.

He was a very noisy dog, often waking me up at 5 a.m. with his grunting and yowling. He and the other male dog would often growl at each other, making the most gutteral noises that rarely resulted in much of anything. He liked to dig in my back yard, of course. There are a few tulip bulbs I need to replant.

He was my pal for about nine years. He loved to fall asleep in my lap - I think it was one of the few times he really felt safe. His whole stocky body would turn into a bag of oatmeal, and I'd tickle his feet. He would follow me around the house, and many times would look at me with those big chocolate eyes and sigh heavily.

I guess Buddy doesn't make for a very interesting read. He wasn't very eager to please and always seemed to be waiting for the abuse to start again. But he trusted us, and loved us with all his heart.

Buddy's problem was that he was a beagle/dauchshund mix, which meant he had a stocky body that was elongated, so his spine didn't support him very well. We had dealt with his back and neck problems over the years. In addition, that wound on his leg didn't heal very well, and he had a scar the size of a deck of playing cards on that leg that never grew hair - a constant reminder of what some sick people in the world are capable of.

Well, we could use cream rinse on the scar to try and keep the skin supple, but the back problems caught up to us. A couple of months ago - and this is no exaggeration - Buddy pinched a nerve and screamed for hours until the shot the vet gave him took effect. Last saturday, the pain returned - to his neck this time. He screeched every time he moved. He couldn't lower his head to eat, so my Beloved gave him dog food attached to bread with peanut butter. He whimpered nonstop, pausing only to scream every time he moved his head. We gave him the maximum dosage of medicine, and aspirin on top of that. Nothing was working this time.

Yesterday morning, he could not stop howling in pain. Of course, it was Memorial Day, so good luck finding a vet. Well, God watches out for fools like me, because I started calling vets at random and happened to one in his office.

We drove Buddy to the vet, and he screeched the entire way. He was begging us to make the hurting stop. We were his family, and we had always helped him before, so why not now? When we got him to the vet, he was convulsing in pain which only made things worse.

Buddy was given two shots - the first one knocked him out. I was heartbroken when he closed his eyes and his contorted face relaxed. Seeing him at peace only made me feel that much sadder for the pain he went through that I wasn't able to end. When Buddy was given the second shot, I said goodbye. Through nonstop tears, I kissed his little head and told him how much I loved him. I prayed that he heard me somehow and that he knew how sorry I was that I wasn't able to help him in any other way.

For almost ten years, he knew I would protect him. Letting him go into the next life was so hard, and of course there is a point that he was on that journey alone. I felt a hole in my heart from the second he left me. I've prayed many times that God would keep an eye on him and have him wait for me, preferably in the company of all the other pets we've had and lost.

I almost made it through writing this without tears. I know other people have much bigger problems, but I lost my friend yesterday. And it kills me that I'll never see him again. My only consolation is that wherever he is, he is beyond pain at last. I pray he took the love I had for him with him wherever he went.

Billy Graham once said that it's perfectly reasonable to think that our pets will join us in Heaven. After all, it's Heaven! I truly hope he's right. And I hope Buddy will be there waiting for me with a chair picked out that we can fall asleep on together again.

Friday, May 25, 2007

An Editorial

Okay, I don't intend to post any additional content until Tuesday, but I wanted to take a moment to speak to my fellow fanboys and fangirls about our little hobby.

Most of us are very aware of the covers of two Marvel comics this month that have generated a lot of discussion. Both of these covers have been criticized because of excessive violence or overt sexual themes. I am happy to say that I have yet to read anything that endorses carelessly distributing these comics into the hands of younger readers in the name of the First Amendment.

Dear Ones, if you happen to follow these titles, feel free to buy them. You aren't contributing to the end of civilization - it is, after all, only a fun hobby we enjoy and (even for me) does not dictate the course of our lives.

By the same token, if you find the covers offensive, then vote with your dollar and do not buy them. Send a message that you have a line and Marvel crossed it with that particular issue. You have every right to decide what is in your collection and what is not.

If, like me, you don't find the covers overly offensive but agree that they are not suitable for younger readers, buy selectively. Do not buy the books where they are displayed next to Krypto or Looney Toons, and if you have the courage, tell the clerk why, and tell him you are going to purchase the books from a store that is more responsible with how it handles mature content.

I follow this practice with comics, movies, music, whatever - if a store makes any materials available to young consumers that I consider inappropriate, I don't call the cops or call for a boycott or petition the government to ban the material itself. I very quietly excercise my options as a responsible consumer and support the merchant who pays attention to what he's selling and to whom he is selling it.

I am 100% against censorship and 100% in favor of personal responsibility. Please do your part to keep your own little corner of the world safe for the younger ones.

Thanks again for reading!

Happy Long Weekend!

Okay, my lovelies, it's Memorial Day on Monday, so there won't be any additional posts until Tuesday. Thanks, as always, for reading!

Have a great holiday weekend!

Why You Should Never Let a Blind Woman Go to the Beauty Salon Alone...

.... because apparently, her hair will randomly turn green for one panel. Ben could say something, I suppose, but he's smart enough to know you never say anything negative about your woman's hair unless you're tired of hot meals and sleeping in your own bed.

This reminds me of the time Julie got a tattoo on MTV's Sorority Life. She told the tattoo guy she wanted "Jewels" tatooed on the back of her neck, but he mis-spelled it and it ended up saying "JewLez," and none of the other girls said anything while he did it. Now that was quality television!

And no, before you ask.... those are not Bugle Boy Jeans Ben is wearing.

Character Hall of Fame - the Impossible Man

If there was ever a cooler character than the Impossible Man, I don't know who it was. Created by Stan Lee in the 1960's, the character made one appearance in the pages of Fantastic Four and wouldn't show up again for another ten years. He shows up every now and again, and an appearance on a cover guarantees I will buy the comic, even if it is Shadow Hawk.

Sure, he's a rip-off of Plastic Man, but he just enjoys himself so much I don't care.

That is a rather unfortunate angle we've got going there, though. I think I would make a conscious effort not to sound excited when someone was eye-level with my crotch and waving a wand at my junk, but Impy's more secure in his sexuality than I am. That's how cool he is!

It's Edu-Tainment! .... pt. 2

You'd think Stan Lee wrote this.

Anyhoo, let's remember that this was written in the 1940's, so hard data about the effects of space travel was nonexistent. That being the case, writers could only guess.

Of course, zero gravity would make one seem stronger because you could toss things around up there that you couldn't get an inch off the ground down here on terra firma. But making one's muscles a thousand times mighter than normal? Not so much.

You see, while the chains would be lighter due to a lack of gravitational pull, they would be just as dense, so actually breaking the chains ain't happenin'. Good try, though.

Maybe it's one of those Wile E. Coyote things where he runs off the cliff and doesn't fall until he realizes there's no ground underneath him... Ted thinks he's stronger, so snappity-snap go the chains!

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Cover Hall of Fame - FF 191

I pick on the Fantastic Four a lot, but I've gotta give credit where it's due - this was an awesome cover. That was back in the day where you rarely had a cover that didn't have someone saying something. Of course, that's commonplace today, but back in the day, it really made you take note. So, kudos!

There, see? I only kid because I love!

Costume Hall of Shame - the Sandman, pt 2

No, not the bad guy from Spider-Man. We already talked about his horrible look, remember? No, I'm talking about the second costume worn by the original Sandman of the 1940's (actually, it's the third if you count the time he changed from an orange suit to a green one).

This is the earliest example I can think of where revamping a character just ruins it. I know not everyone loved the green suit and fedora with the yellow and purple gas mask, but I thought it made him look appropriately creepy. When they remade him, they gave him a bright yellow spandex costume (because criminals are a superstitious, cowardly lot and nothing scares them more than a guy prancing towards them in bright yellow) and a kid sidekick. Then, just in case there was any dignity left in the character, they got rid of the gas gun that put his opponents to sleep - a gimmick that justified his name in the first place.

As you can see, he remains a creature of nightmares, but now for all the wrong reasons. Hey, just because I'll rob a bank and shoot at cops with my tommy gun doesn't mean I want to have your blonde, cherubic sidekick in my bedroom. What are you implying???

Wednesday, May 23, 2007


Okay, even if I can get past the notion that the bad guy can hypnotize you instantly, there is no amount of hypnotism that will get you to defy gravity. And no, kids, Hourman could never fly.

You are in my hypnotic power... I command you to breathe under water like a fish!

Yes, Master! Glub glub!

Anatomy in Comics

That's right... I'll snap yer neck, and just because I'm holding yer shoulder, don't think I can't do it. I'll use the Vulcan Snap-Yer-Neck-by-Way-of-Yer-Shoulder Technique, yes I will!

Greg Brady Moment - Starman

Ok, if you need a description of what a Greg Brady Moment is, click here.

Now then, would someone like to explain to me why Starman was such a badass fighter? I mean, the guy was a scientist, but he acts like he was a Green Beret or something. Sudden, unexplained mastery of hand-to-hand combat = Greg Brady Moment Number 2 here at CMNS.

Then again, if Reed Richards was a judo master, maybe all test tube jockeys have to study martial arts to get their degrees. I certainly wouldn't know. I was an English Major. I read stuff.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

That Can't be What it Looks Like

I'm not a physics major, but I understand enough about trajectory to know that I'm not at all comfortable with where that guy's head seems to be going....

What Did He Just Say?

You ever try really hard to make a point and end up saying something totally inappropriate? Ben Grimm feels your pain. Here, I believe he's trying to say he's going to run really fast. Instead, he ends up saying he's going to knife Sue and Johnny and beat the system via a panel of orange, rock-like jurors. Zing!

Primates Rule!

Yes, the giant gold talking gorilla from the pages of the Fantastic Four was great, but there's always room for more colorful primates! I have no idea if this one talks, but if he actually follows through with what he's doing there and eats Jimmy Olsen, I will be his BFF.

Monday, May 21, 2007

The Sandman's Calling Card is Poor Housekeeping?

Wow, Sandman, I'm not trying to second-guess you there, but I think you are way overestimating the deductive prowess of police in comics. I'll leave dirty dishes in the sink, so the police will know that I'm driving with a broken tail light!

The Cow of Foreshadowing Moos Contentedly

Should'a gone with your first instincts, Sue. "Invisible Woman" is too unwieldy, and I'm glad someone finally said it.... 30 years ago.

Seriously, come up with a new name or change it back.

Everything Old is New Again

The Country's petroleum and gas supply is in danger! That plotline is just a fresh now as it was in the 1940's, isn't it? $3.49 a gallon and climbing! Where have you gone, Starman? My Geo Metro turns its lonely eyes to you.... woo woo woooooooo.....

Just as an aside, why does Chief Allen draw a paycheck? It seems like he turns everything over to Starman....

Friday, May 18, 2007

Don't Push Your Luck, Sue

Sue, I have so many examples of how you are good for nothing but a hostage that some folks complain I post too many of them. I've been giving you a break lately, but you can only tempt me so much.

What Did He Just Say?

To be fair, this makes sense (sorta) if you read the rest of the story, but it's much more entertaining out of context.

Not as Impressive as They're Making It Sound

If you were to take Rex (Hourman) Tyler's word for it, the guy getting chased down by the flying carpet was in some kind of mortal peril. I dunno, but it seems like if I'm going to get mowed down by some kind of transportation conveyance, a nice soft flying carpet would be high on my list.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Great Moments in FF History, part 2

Goodness knows, there's nothing better than a giant gorilla. You know you've got something great going on when you aren't afraid to remind readers of crappy characters you've inflicted on them like Tomazooma.

But a giant, talking gorilla is even better. Primates are great, but primates who act like people - a bargain at twice the price!

Oh, no way. Not for a mere 35 cents, you didn't! You mean to tell me that for one thin dime and one thick quarter, you're going to give me a giant, talking gold gorilla and a shot of Sue wearing an apron and shaking a wooden spoon at Reed while in full costume? I can't let you do that, Stan. I'm writing you a check for a hundred bucks, and I want you to take it. No, no.... don't thank me! You've earned every penny on that one!

Bro's Before Ho's

Goodness knows, I'm not trying to cause problems here.... I mean, it's not like Iron Man has a friend left in the Marvel Universe after Civil War, but doesn't it look like he and Thor are reminiscing about the same girl?

Seriously - look at that. Different name, same girl!

Ben Grimm, Cinema Enthusiast

What most folks don't know is that Ben had recently finished selling tickets to the William Bendix Film Festival and was planning on asking Yvonne De Carlo to be his date before Alicia walked in.

And considering William Bendix hadn't made a movie in about 8 years prior to that issue of FF being printed, this was one of the worst attempts at being hip I've ever seen. It's as if Ben was making a reference to Rick Moranis.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Do You Really Want an Answer?

Um.... Johnny, a sister is only as close as a wife in certain parts of the Ozarks. Anywhere else, you're just being creepy.

Character Hall of Shame - Gaard

Yup - a cosmic hockey goalie, complete with stick. Wow. And I thought the Black Racer was lame.

Loose Lips Sink Ships!

I think soldier-boy there should have stopped talking after he told the civilians to clear the area. Okay, folks! We've got ourselves a hostage... I mean, prisoner, and we're going to ship him off to Guantanamo Bay where we'll be attaching a car battery to his genitals! Nothing to see here!

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Wardrobe Malfunction

I am Starman! Mystery Man of the Night, that's me! Stand in awe of me, Chief Allen! Of course, you know me in my secret identity, so it's very important that I hide my face in the shadows since it never occured to me to cover my face in any way, shape or form. Oh, crap.... is there not a shadow hiding my face? Dang! Can we start this conversation over? There, that's better!

And Now, a Public Service Announcement

Just in case you were wondering.

Ben Grimm, Master of the Understatement

Ben's showing remarkable restraint in his comments. I can only imagine my response if I saw Johnny Storm coming at me crotch-first.

Monday, May 14, 2007

Too Much Grog, Thor?

I don't know why Thor has his hand over his mouth, other than to suppress the overindulgences of Quicksilver's bachelor party. It's true... this panel came right out of Fantastic Four #150, where Quicksilver married Crystal - the uniting of two characters of otherwise minimal interest and zero popularity.

Keep it together, Thor! No blowing chunks on the bride-to-be! Spew in that spitoon-like helmet you've got there if you have to!

The Satisfaction of a Job Well Done

Don't let your grandparents snow you with how much stronger the work ethic used to be. Here we see cops drawing unfounded conclusions and thinking nothing more than how it will advance their respective careers.

Hmmmmm.... we have no evidence that you're involved at all, but we've concluded you must be the leader of that sabatoge gang! Close enough for government work!

I'm Not Trying to Tell You How to Run Your Railroad

... but I think Vivian wouldn't be very appreciative of waking up and finding two grown men tied to the foot of her bed. I mean, I know the Sandman just saved her and all that, but was he so lazy he couldn't just drop the thugs off at police headquarters? What did he possibly hope to accomplish?

Well, you guys are going to Sing-Sing, but I'm a merciful kind of crimefighter, so I'm gonna let you stare at this woman while she sleeps for a few hours before the cops show up...

Friday, May 11, 2007

You and Your Fancy Rope Tricks!

Those Orientals and their fancy rope tricks! They made a rope into a lasso! Tricky villains! I didn't see that one coming!

What to Do? What to Do?

If he let's go of them, they'll fall to their deaths! And here I am flying around worrying about it! What can I do if he lets them go? If only one of us could defy gravity somehow and catch them! I should stop flying and land safely on the ground until we figure out what to do!

That Special Glow from Contest of Champions Vol. 1

Shanna! You're glowing! Are you pregnant or menapausing?

Hulk! We're glowing! Are we pregnant or menapausing?

Quasar! Is your energy leaking? And what do you propose we do about it if it is? Do they make Depends Undergarments that can handle cosmic leakage?

Thursday, May 10, 2007

It's Edu-Tainment!

Here at Comics Make No Sense, I never miss a chance to get credit for court-ordered community service.... I mean, educate you, my beloved readers, by showing off how much smarter I am than the doofus who wrote something in 1951:

There is actually an answer to that question. Actually, this question had been answered about 25 years before this little bit of misinformation was added to a 1951 issue of Adventure Comics: According to Rudolph Steiner, due to the thick skin of elephants, when death approaches, they want more earth, of which their skin is most akin, around them, so they withdraw into caves. It's sad, but that's what they do to make themselves feel better, so if you have a spare cave lying around doing nothing and you see a dying elephant, do the right thing. I realize our anonymous cartoonist didn't have access to like I did, but you really shouldn't say something is a mystery if it isn't.

Now, here's a mystery for you:

How stupid and vision-impaired does that kid need to be not to notice the magnifying lens that is bigger than he is? He accepts that he's seeing a dragon, but can't rationalize a big curved piece of glass? Why are us chubby people always morons in comics? And why do we always wear short pants and beanies? Those are questions I'd like answered....

Self-Affirmation Put Into Practice....

Once again, Ted Knight becomes the Mystery Man of Night..... Good for you, Ted! Don't be afraid to toot your own horn a little! You're good enough, you're smart enough, and doggone it, people like you!

That's right, Ted. If you can't get anyone else to call you the Mystery Man of Night, you go right ahead and say it yourself. Be your own biggest fan!

Fighting Crime with Stereotypes! pt 2

What the heck did he just say? Well, his English is better than my Chinese....

I want to be outraged by this character, but I just find him so durn cute!