But She's Such a PRETTY Thorn Thursday!

Folks, DrunkDuck.com, who was hosting Snatcher Bodies, had some sort of major server problem and a bunch of stuff was wiped out.  I may put it back up there at some point, but for now, just download it from DriveThruComics using the link in the right-hand column, okay?

Now, back to me making fun of the comics other people made.

Even when Action Comics lets me down for material, I can always count on Lois Lane's solo title for blogging material.  Even the letters page in Lois Lane #5 gave me a chuckle:

Thomas Emory was the coolest kid back in the Silver Age.  He tells it like it is, and we all need a friend who is willing and able to say, "Whoa there, Hoss!  Simmer down!"

Of course, what does the editor say?  "Eh, she's pretty, so leave her be!"

Hey!  It's time for an installment of Lois Lane Head Injury Theater (tm!):

I'm not sure where this originally appeared, but I found it in Lois Lane Annual #1.  Lois is in plane crash, and...

she falls from a tree and hits her head on a rock.  All things considered, that's a pretty good deal for having been in a plane crash, but Lois has lost her memory.  Which, as we all know by now, happens all the time to Lois Lane.

Normally, the idea is to patronize Lois less the realization that she's Lois Lane prove too traumatic.  Which makes some sense, because how would you like to wake up one morning and suddenly remember that you're Lois Lane?  Yup.  It sounds pretty traumatic to me!

Anyway, instead of being patronized by people, Lois gets patronized by a bunch of leopards.

Yes, she's adopted by leopards.  Which I hear is a common danger of head injuries: Amnesia and Becoming Queen of a Leopard Pack.

Of course, there can only be one solution to this situation.  You guessed it:

Yup.  If someone gets amnesia from falling out of a tree and landing on your head, the most widely accepted solution in the medical communities of virtually all industrialized nations is to wait until the patient climbs another tree and lands on her head again.

Oh, my.  I bet it was fun to write Lois Lane comics.  It's like there were no standards whatsoever.

Try not to hit your head and join any packs of wild animals, my lovelies!  I'll see you tomorrow!

Domestic Relations Counselling - The COMICS Way! Wednesday!

From Lois Lane #5, I give you... Answers to Rhetorical Questions, Relationship Edition (tm!):

The answer to this question, as anyone who has ever been married knows, is "NO! You cannot be silent without insulting your wife."  Hear what I say, men!

It is never advisable to discount your wife's questions, no matter how silly they are.  The correct answer is, "The only difference is that you are even more amazing now than you were yesterday."

No, no, no... the correct answer is clearly, "I wish I could chart your radiance, Lois, but it's impossible to measure!"

See, guys?  Is this so hard?

Or, you can roll like Johnny here:

This is the best comic strip I think I've ever seen.

See you tomorrow!

You Can't Literally Scare Pounds Off of People and Superman Knows This and He is a Big Tool Tuesday!

So, I was reading Action Comics #105...

I realize this is all in good fun, but doesn't that look just a bit painful for Kris Kringle?  I mean, it's bad enough he can't squeeze down the chimney, but to have Superman grinding his fist into your belly certainly can't be very soothing.

Believe it or don't, this cover actually had something to do with the story inside.  You see, we've got Mr. Rasper, who appears to have issues with holiday-related social norms:

You know, I just can't help but like the guy.  He's such a schmuck that it kind of transcended being a jerk and made it to the other side where he's just so hateful I can't help but find it funny.  Then again, I don't  work for the guy.  But neither does Cartwright.  At least, not after that clear breach of company protocols on festive well-wishery.

Anyway, Rasper is a mean guy who slipped Santa a mickey and now Santa is too fat to go down chimneys.  This led to all kinds of questionable positioning and dialogue.  Which, of course, leads us to Fun with Out of Context Dialogue! (tm!):

I have had this blog for nearly five years now, and I think that's one of the filthiest things we've ever "Fun with Out of Context Dialogued!" (tm!)  So, score!

And here's another! (tm!):

And yes, these panels were right next to each other.  We don't play around fast and loose with the truth here at CMNS.

Meanwhile, Superman is a jerk:

See what I mean?  The man tortures Santa Effin' Claus, for crying out loud.  I really don't understand why this character is so popular.

Uh-oh.  Don't be careless!:

Well, it's hard to argue with that.  Maybe he shouldn't have been so careless.  Let this be a lesson to all of us not to be so careless.

See you tomorrow!

My Own Candy Factory? Why I'd be Stupid Not to Monday!

Hey!  It's a new, fun-filled week!  And here's some good stuff from Action Comics #104:

I'll take "Invitations I Should Never Accept" for $100, Alex!

Heister Hess...

should have waited until the door fully closed before defiantly shouting out his plans.

Meanwhile, at the local newspaper....

the Sales Department learned that their "Cash or Punch Us in the Face" payment policy, while popular, failed to generate necessary revenues.

Oh, that was silly.  But not as silly as this:

Candy Factory... or as they called it in my day, a "chemistry set."

And apparently, lollipops were considered "good for growing youngsters."  Some day, they'll learn that Oreos  cure gout.  Just you watch.

Towns Made of Candy and Magic Polluting Shoes Friday!

So, it's Action Comics #104, and we're just minding our own beeswax and...

Oh, look!  It's Superman!  Hi, Superman!  It's always great to see you!  Have you come to check out Candytown?  

Hey, now!  I don't think that's necessary!

Seriously, Superham, what is your problem?  I really don't see why you have such a fan base.

I don't know how old those kids in the upper left are, but they look a little too old to be worrying about candy.  I mean, they look like teenagers.  Are they on a date, or something?  If so, someone needs to do a Beanie Intervention on that boy, or he's getting no lovin' from Blondie.  Not to mention the fact that he took her to a town made out of candy.  Giving a girl candy on the first date runs the risk that you'll look like you're trying to hard.  Taking her to an entire theme park made of candy?  My boy there has no game.  No game at all!

Eh, sell me some shoes:

If Thom there has some "Magic Bazooka Shoes" that enable him to run across treetops like he's in one of those Twilight movies, shouldn't that magic also do away with the "deadly exhaust"?  You know, because they're magic and all?  I kind of expect magic stuff to be more environmentally friendly.  

Not that I care.  I don't have any kids.  Let the world choke on itself - just wait until after I'm gone (which, at this rate, should be a week from Thursday).  Let your own kids figure out the exhaust problem in magic shoes.  This is hardly my concern.  And why do people who have children get tax deductions and effectively pay less taxes than those who don't?  You breeders use a lot more in public resources than I do.  If anything, I should get tax deductions.  I'm not using public schools!  Pay for your own dang kids.  They bother me.

See you Monday!

My Cape has Flesh-Colored Highlights! Yeah, Let's Go with That! Thursday!

So, I was reading Detective Comics #487 and was checking out the Robin solo story.  Here, we find Robin in a typical Robin-style quandry:

Okay, that's fine.  No problem.  Until this:

And then this:

Now, I had to read this a few times to figure out what the heck was being used as a dummy leg here.  I mean, Batman teaches you to be resourceful and all, but I can't imagine anyone toting around a nine foot leg.

So, it finally occurs to me that Robin isn't wearing his cape in that last panel, so it must be his cape.

You know, his bright yellow cape.

His bright yellow, not even remotely the color of the flesh of any human being that has walked the Earth, now or ever.

Well, clearly the colorist is cheating and making Robin's cape flesh-colored for these two panels, which constitutes clear shenanigans.  I realize that a bright yellow leg wouldn't have fooled anyone, so he probably felt obliged to fudge a little to make it more believable.  But, seriously?  That needs to go back to the artist to make changes, because there is no salvaging that with color swatches.

Oh, comics.  I love you, yet you treat me this way.

But then I read something like this:

Ahhhh.  Thanks, Action Comics #104!

I'll see you tomorrow!

Glub Blub Wednesday!

And so, with a tear in our eye, we come to the final pages of Robert Gillis's look at Lois Lane #42. You may recall Robert wondering who would possibly marry Lois and Supes now that they were both teenagers and didn't live in the Ozarks.  Who?  Well, I'll let Robert answer that question:

 A blind man, of course! 

Superboy sees that the Justice of the Peace has a metal splinter in his skull, causing his blindness:

So Superboy rewires the radio to um, um, magnetically rip the piece of metal out of the guy’s skull. Um, harmlessly. Um, yeah. Um, you know, this is why you don’t wear any metal in an MRI. The metal would kind-sorta explode out of your head exactly like a bullet. I saw that episode of “House.” It was gruesome.

So the Justice of the Peace, winner of “Least dramatic response to getting your sight back, ever,” notes that he can see again, and then refuses to marry the kids, because everyone who works in the Smallville Municipal Court System knows these “March and April” romances seldom work.

And by the way, why was the blind guy surprised that Lois and Superman were kids? Certainly their voices changed as well? Sheesh.

12 year old Lois has another scheme! The young couple flies to the S.S. Andovia. She’ll get her old friend Captain Pushover, er, Hobson, to marry them.

Captain Hobson probably understands this kid is really Superman, considering they flew in and all, but he accepts the absurdity of the situation pretty quickly. “Hmmm… This is very irregular…”

“…But for old time’s sake, I’ll perform the ceremony, Lois!” Doesn’t he know these marriages between 12 year olds seldom work?

 I love how the other crew members and officers are standing there, smiling like this wedding is a GOOD thing. Awww, two 12 year olds getting married by the captain. Isn’t this romantic?

Lois: “I’ve got to give myself credit for outwitting Superman for once.” Nice.  Reveling in how you forced someone to marry you: Just the sort of thing a bride should be thinking of on her special day.

Golly, how will Supeman get out of this one? By causing waves to crash into the ship and nearly kill everyone! 

Then, for good measure, he rocks the boat until everyone is sick!

And for people who are sea-sick, these people sure talk a lot. I’ve been sea-sick, and you don’t talk much, except to say, “Get the hell out of the way!” as you race to the side of the boat.

(I was seasick once, and it was one of the most miserable experiences of my life.  If I didn't have reason to dislike Superham before, I certainly do now! - adam)

Lois and Superman are now TODDLERS, but the honorable Dudley Diggs, Esquire, takes the case and convinces a COURT JUDGE to sign the marriage license for… wait for it… wait for it… Two FOUR YEAR OLDS.

Doesn’t the judge know these “February and February” romances seldom work?

For the record, the wedding couple is registered at Babies R Us, Baby Gap, and the Pampers aisle at your local market.

 How do you put a wedding like this together so quickly? Besides Perry, Lucy and Jimmy, who are all thee wedding guests? They’re all dressed up, tuxes and gowns, the church is full — WTH? And I LOVE Lucy’s comment, “It’s weird… But the marriage was ruled legal, and they’ll both be normal tomorrow, so we might as well just go ahead.” God, I love the Silver Age. These two are BABIES and people just shrug.

And of course, the ultimate irony, Lois can’t say her vows, because she has regressed to a baby and cannot speak. I can’t believe there isn’t a lawyer in the church saying this sort of thing happens all the time and have someone get power of attorney to speak for Lois.

So, the next day, the reset button has been pressed, and Dr. Light tracks Lois down and gives her some drug that cured her. Whatever.

Of course she destroyed the picture. Of course she wants to marry Superman fair and square. Of course everything is back to normal.

Thank God that’s the last time anything weird would happen in a Lois Lane comic! Um, except for the very next issue, when a short circuit in her electric typewriter sends Lois into a parallel universe. Really. First story in issue #43!

Wow, that was classic, and Robert's commentary rocked our worlds, didn't it?  Well, don't get too spoiled, poppets, because I'll be back tomorrow with the usual lackluster posts.  See you then!

Superman, You Sly Fox! Tuesday!

I know not everyone agrees, but it really annoys me when people take images I've gone through some trouble to find and post 'em on their own site without giving me credit for the find.  Know what I mean, fella?  

Speaking of giving credit where it's due, back to Robert Gillis and his play-by-play of one of the most awesomely bad Silver Age stories ever.  You may recall, Lois snapped a photo of Supes and he's too much of a gentleman to... oh, I don't know, take the camera from her and destroy it so he does the logical thing and agrees to marry her.  Now, to Robert:

So, Superman, the mightiest super-hero in the known galactic multiverse, accepts defeat. He’ll marry Lois tomorrow. But first, they have to find a place to live! And where does every girl dream of living? Why, at the Fortress of Solitude at the North Pole! (Or as the story calls it, Arctic wastes).

Look at the romantic way Superman carries Lois to his fortress. That’s CAN’T be comfortable for Lois, Superman looks like he’s carrying her like a sack of laundry. Or a body.

Hmmm, Superman muses, I could dump her body here — no one would ever find it…

Lois sees the fortress is big and barny, but some drapes might help. Sheesh. And then she finds the McGuffin — the spray bottle of rejuvenation formula.

“So this is why Superman always looks so young and handsome,” Lois muses. No, the reason he looks that way is that SUPERMAN IS A COMIC BOOK CHARACTER!

And like every other Lois Lane story of this era, Lois tries the unknown thingy on herself. Doesn’t matter that she doesn’t know what the thing is — there isn’t an alien artifact, untested scientific device, ancient cursed object or completely unknown chemical that Lois won’t impulsively use on herself.

 So, the magic spray not only made Lois a teenager but its “aura” shrunk her clothes? It might be supernatural, but even magic sprays obey the comics code authority.

Lois shouldn’t worry about this transformation — it’s actually pretty tame compared to other transformations. In 42 or so issues of “Lois Lane” she has transformed into an old hag and witch, a bald super-genius with a super-large head, a super-powered woman, a jungle woman, and also, a baby, and that’s just off the top of my head. Really — these were actual stories. So this is kind of an ordinary day for her.

How I love the silver age. ONE panel to explain Superman’s meeting with an EXTRATERRESTRIAL little green guy whose SPACESHIP was out of order. Superman’s reward? A MAGIC POTION created by the SPELL of a SORCERER. In 2011, that one panel would fill six months worth of modern comics. Who was the sorcerer? Who was the alien? How did he get stranded? How did Superman meet him and help him? How is it they both speak English? But in 1963, it’s just one panel, a throwaway line, “Oh, yeah, I got that magic fountain of youth spray from the spaceman I helped, he says a sorcerer created it. ” Y’know, a typical Tuesday for Superman.

Like all magic formulas and red Kryptonite and weird meteors, these effects last one day. Why does everything always last 24 hours?

“I order you to fly me back to Metropolis at once!” Gee, they aren’t even married yet and Lois is already bossing Superman around.

Superman, a grown man, takes jailbait, er, Lois, to the junior miss shop:

 “What a sweet child! I’ll bet Superman found her in an orphanage and intends to marry Lois Lane so they can adopt her.” 

Yep, lady, the ONLY possible answer.

Off to get a marriage license, where Superman is "tut-tutted":

The clerk chides Superman (who’s 29 years old in this continuity) that these “May-December” romances seldom work.  Lois is more like “March” than “May” at the moment and let’s face it, even if you’re Superman, if you show up at the marriage license bureau with a 14 year old, the cops are going to want to have a chat with you.

Lois Exposition reminds Superman he is vulnerable to magic and sprays him with the fountain of youth stuff, and presto, now we’re reading a Superboy story. Superman is vulnerable to the spell of a magician. So Superman should avoid Criss Angel and David Copperfield?

And even if Superman, um, Superboy, is now the same age as Lois (14-15) who in the world is going to marry them legally? I mean, besides Larry Flynt?

Thanks again, Robert!  We'll finish up this big heapin' helpin' of Silver Age weirdness tomorrow!

The Greatest Lois Lane Story Ever Told Monday!

Okay, we tried last week to give Robert Gillis's account of what may be the most ridonkulous Lois Lane story of all time, and I had to scrap it because the pics just weren't getting bigger.  So, let's give it a go.  I'll do this story three pages at a time because... yes, it's that awesome.  Without further ado, I'll turn it over to Robert!:

While Silver Age comic book are always ripe for mocking, it’s rare that an entire story gets the detailed analysis (read: mocking) treatment. Welcome to July 1963, when Lois Lane #42 hit the stands. While most (if not all) of these early issues had Lois trying to get Superman to marry her (usually in some elaborate scheme), this particular epic, “The romance of Superbaby and Baby Lois” stretches even silver-age logic to the max, and as usual, snaps reality like a piece of taffy!

Speaking of reality, it should be noted that the lead story of the issue was Lois visiting Atlantis, and accidentally being sent back in time when a flashbulb scared some electric eels into activating a time belt (really) and Lois nearly destroys Atlantis (or at least had a hand in its sinking). The end story was Lois finding a real monkey’s paw that grants three wishes. But of course, 1960s comics were known for dealing with contemporary issues head on.

Um…

I love the opening panel. Superman (now a baby) can’t find any way out of this wedding. I’ll haphazard a guess on this one, Superman, as the way out is easy: YOU’RE A BABY! And so is your fiancé! And these baby romances never work — just look at Stewie Griffin and Olivia.

 Lois is finally convinced Clark Kent isn’t Superman. Um, since when? The defining aspect of her character for decades was trying to prove Clark was Superman! And one of these “he-men” in the photos is supposedly Superman? Lois, here’s a safe bet — it’s probably not the guy with the RIFLE.

Superman has drilled a new reservoir pipeline thingy and switches to Clark, hears his picture get taken, switches back to Superman, and races out. Now, at this point, he KNOWS someone has just taken his picture, and for a guy that can travel at the speed of light, grab the camera and destroy the evidence, he lets Lois yammer on, and watches her place the camera in the lead box around her waist. Smooth.

So <> occurs and Lois has a car accident and bumps her head. Guy she hits claims to be a doctor (suuureee he is, all the serial killers say that) and wants to X-RAY her head — because you know, in any insurance claim, you want the doctor YOU HIT evaluating your medical condition. Saves a bundle in legal fees and court time. For him.

So the doctor — we now know he’s a doctor because he puts on his stereotypical head mirror thingy. Extensive research (Wikipedia) informs us that a head mirror is (or was) mostly used for examination of the ear, nose & throat — exactly what Lois ISN’T complaining about, but we have no other way of proving this guy is a doctor.

Anyway, he takes the X-rays, and … wait for it … they show that Lois received a shock that, “… temporarily causes a personality change that’s bound to affect her in some abnormal way.” WOW, that’s damned impressive for 1963 and an X-RAY that pretty much looks like a cartoon skull. I mean, MRIs and detailed computer brain scans in 2011 don’t reveal the brain’s secrets, but Dr. Light here got that diagnosis from an X-Ray that looks like a Halloween decoration. He’s ahead of his time!

Except of course, he missed the little things — like getting Lois’ name. What, they didn’t switch insurance cards or anything? The nurse didn’t ask?

But the personality change has taken place, and Lois has become a “ruthless female.” Redundant, your honor. Move to strike.

So, when confronted, does Superman: say, “Hey, Lois, I’ve saved your life about, oh, I dunno, seven trillion gazillion times, and my secret identity is the only way I can be myself and have a private life, so don’t develop the film, because if you do, the next time your helicopter crashes into the roof of the Daily Planet or your sitting on a hydrogen bomb in Paris, I’m going to choose that time to vacation on the moon, capiche?” Nope, he does, as Lieutenant Worf says, “beg like a human.”

And Lois will destroy the picture only if Superman marries her the next day. Ah, true love, and a marriage based on trust. Nice. - Robert

Whee!  Isn't this awesome?  And then there's the issue of grounds for annulment five minutes after the ceremony because Superman was coerced into entering the legal contract of marriage, not to mention the extreme likelihood that Clark will teach himself the concept of wife-beating if they don't get an annulment, but whatevs.  Great work, Robert!  We'll pick it up again on Monday! - adam