Monday, November 24, 2008

Staycation Update

Hi, Dear Ones!

I'm enjoying my staycation and haven't accomplished much of anything, which is the purpose. I am on Day Three of a nine day break (counting weekends), and I only had to use 3 days of vacation. Sweet!

Beloved wanted to say hello to everyone and to have a safe holiday! We saw the third Mummy movie, and it was *much* better than the recent Indiana Jones movie. It was only worth watching once, but we it delivered what it promised (and with a lot more imagination and enthusiasm than the Indy movie did).

We also, at Friend Kyle's suggestion, watched Casino Royale. I will tell you, Beloved and I are not James Bond fans. The last Bond movie she watched was Octopussy and the last one I saw was A View to a Kill, so it's been awhile. Like 20 years.

Oh. My. Goodness.

Beloved and I are now James Bond fans. Daniel Craig was amazing, and this new version of Bond is the best reboot since Wally West replaced Barry Allen. I think what worked for us is that missions went wrong, Bond didn't emerge from every situation without a scratch and well.... he wasn't so dang perfect. Granted, the poker game plot was kinda stupid, but who cared?

Big thumbs up. We can't wait to see Quantum of Solace. I also think Laura finds Daniel Craig a little easy on the eyes, but you've gotta be secure in your manhood, yes you do! Based on the comments, you guys are pretty hard on movies, but when you see them for a buck like we do, the pressure is off.

Anyway, I miss you guys. I'll be back next week with more silliness! Hope it goes well for you! If your family gets on your nerves, just hang in there and we'll get back in our silly groove soon.

God bless!

Friday, November 21, 2008

Android-Cryin', Captial-Punishin' Friday!

Dear Ones,

I'm afraid I'm going to be spotty at best next week. I'm planning on taking some true-blue vacation time, so there will be few (if any) posts next week. I'll try to sneak in a post here and there, but don't count on the regular schedule until Monday, December 1st. For everyone who celebrates it, Happy Thanksgiving!

This always bothered me, from Avengers v1 #58:

Okay, no. Thor doesn't fly himself. He whips the hammer around and throws it while he goes along for the ride. I don't care how enchanted the hammer is, just swinging it around is not going to carry along a whole crowd of people!

And look at the circumference of the hammer's path. Instead of carrying everyone, it looks like it would cripple the Black Panther and Captain America while eviscerating Hawkeye outright. Arrrgh! Too many shenanigans in one panel!

And what about this rather famous panel from the same ish?:

No. They can't. I hate to be a snob, but they can't. If a leak like that is coming out of anything inorganic, it probably needs to be looked at by a certified mechanic.

From World's Finest v1 #8:

Well, isn't she the delicate little flower? I feel faint. AWK!

It's the noise that makes me laugh. It slays me to hear noises come out of people that you wouldn't expect. AWK! is right up there.


Wow, Robin isn't shy about where he stands on capital punishment, is he? Yay! We're going to strap a man to a chair and pump electricity through him! Woo hoo! Someone's gonna die! Yeah!

That's kinda creepy...

Hey! It's time for Fun with Out of Context Dialogue!(tm!):

Oh, my! Be careful who you date, fellas!

See you on December 1st, if not sooner! Have a safe and happy holiday!

Thursday, November 20, 2008

It's Better Reheated Thursday!

D'oh! I was all set to see Dark Knight this weekend, which is in second run at the dollar theater, but it looks like I'll be seeing the third Mummy movie instead. I've heard Mummy wasn't great, but it needs a big screen and Dark Knight will be there a lot longer, methinks. Alas. I must see Dark Knight! I must!

From All-Star Comics #37, the team is splintered yet again:

Um.... Johnny Thunder, are you listening to Wonder Woman? Take it from me, this could be your favorite mission yet if you play your cards right.

Here's a little something from Batman #127, courtesy of contributor sPat!:

This came about 3 years before Marvel's version, and I don't care how goofy Thor's long blond hair looks to you, it looks ten times better than DC's version. Nice skirt, big guy! Matches the girdle! So slimming and whatnot!

You know, there were a lot of recycled names in comics. Tarantula, Angel, Daredevil and Scarecrow leap to mind as four names that were used by different comic companies without lawsuits flying. Both Marvel and DC still have a Scarecrow character in use, but no one seems to mind.

Many non-comic geeks don't know that even Radioactive Man, Bart's favorite super-hero in The Simpsons was recycled:

Yup. Marvel Comics has had a character since the 60's called the Radioactive Man. He's Chinese, glows green and wears a skirt:

But he's a total bad-ass, taking on Thor and the She-Hulk with more success than most (If you're really tough, you can wear a skirt and no one will say anything). And, although he's never been an A-lister, he was used as a regular member of the Thunderbolts only a few years back.

Does this mean a re-vamp of Kite Man could happen some day? Oh, we can only hope!

Hey! Hey! It's time for the Costume Hall of Shame!:

Duplicate Boy was a visitor in the Legion of Super-Heroes that, although quite powerful, had no fashion sense. His gimmick was that he could duplicate (duh!) the abilities of anyone he came in contact with. As you can imagine, this made him a difficult character to write (as most omnipotent characters are) and he only showed up here and there. They never bothered, to the best of my knowledge, to change his original costume, which looks more appropriate at a renaissance fair.

See you tomorrow!

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Don't Fear the Reaper Wednesday!

I saw the ad for the Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe video game, and even though my gaming days are largely behind me, it sure was purty! I especially liked the choice of DC Characters - the first game where you can play Captain Marvel or the Joker gets love from me!

From World's Finest v1 #7:

Superman before the invention of Ritalin.

You know what we haven't had in a while? An induction into the Costume Hall of Shame.

Fresh from the cover of Avengers v1 #52, we have the Grim Reaper, because nothing makes you think of death like purple, magenta, orange and green... all at the same time! He quickly shucked those colors and went with an all-black number, but we'll never forget what the Embodiment of Death looked like in the late '60s. Far out, man!

Hey! It's time for Fun with Out of Context Dialogue!(tm!):


Dating discouraged between colleagues? Not in the Avengers! At least, not in Avengers v1 #46!

Okay, everyone's pairing up. We've got the Wasp and whatsisname, Hawkeye and the Black Widow.... oh! Hercules and the Scarlet Witch! Didn't see that one coming. Maybe he wants to see if he can wrest that thing off her head. And... Quicksilver and Captain America??!!

I knew it!

Hey! It's time for a Bonus Installment of Fun with Out of Context Dialogue!(tm!)

Collect 'em all!

See you tomorrow!

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

River of Ruthlessnessness....ness Tuesday!

Has everyone seen the Punisher: War Zone trailer? It looks okay, I suppose, but I'm not exactly chewing my fingers in anticipation. I liked the Thomas Jane version from a couple of years ago, but really - isn't a Punisher movie just going to be a shoot 'em up movie, no matter how you slice it? I doubt it'll break any ground as far as comic book movies go, but I hope it's at least a good shoot 'em up movie. I'll miss Thomas Jane.

Today's silliness is brought to you by All-Star Comics #36!

This is a fairly well-known story, having been reprinted a few times (I read it in the awesome DC Digests that were put out long ago). The gist of it was that if you "drowned" in the Koeyhahatingtangwallawallabingbang River (or whatever it was called), you would emerge as yourself, only without any conscience whatsoever. This was why it was also known as "The River of Ruthlessness," and was recycled in a 12-part (!!) saga in the first dozen issue of 1980's Infinity Inc., a title which quickly turned into garbage after that. See how it all comes together?

Anyway, sales must have been slipping, because they throw Superman and Batman in as a replacement for Johnny Thunder and the Atom:

Bruce Wayne? In JSA Headquarters? Suggesting he might have a replacement for the Atom? Why... sputter, sputter... what silliness! Such an eccentric billionaire!

But wait! Who is this? Batman! Emerging from the very same room Bruce Wayne went into!

And, of course, no one does the math. Why, Bruce Wayne certainly did find a substitute! Where did Bruce Wayne go? We should thank him personally! Why, it seems that Bruce Wayne inexplicably disappeared, right before Batman showed up! What a coincidence. Oh, well. The meeting is called to order! Who brought the chips and dip?

Okay, the story is that a cross-country crime wave is taking place, and the common theme is that they are taking place in the home towns of where seven men drowned in Lake WhoputtheBopShe-BopShe-Bop or whatever it was called. Sounds like a mystery worth investigating, Scooby!

As usual, the JSA divides into teams of.... well, teams of themselves, because they never seem to have enough staff on hand to send more than one guy at a time in search of a clue.

Blah, blah, blah.... the Flash defeats Mr. X, the blackmailer, only to find that:

1) The Flash can somehow identify someone he's never actually seen or met before just by looking at them and 2) Mr. X wore glasses under a mask, which would be pretty uncomfortable but he was ruthless enough not to care.


Meanwhile, Dr. Mid-Nite has some cruel fun with a desperate banker:

This banker would lose more than 10 gold coins on the old "let me borrow a gold coin" trick before he figured out Dr. Mid-Nite had no intentions of giving them back.

Hey, banker-boy! Pull my finger?

What? Well, alright!


Dr. Mid-Nite! You farted!

Heh! Sorry about that. Pure coincidence!

Very well, Dr. Mid-Nite. Say, might I have my gold coin back?

Hmmmmmm.... I seem to have misplaced it, and I need one. May I borrow another?

Well, okay. But please be more careful with this one.

Certainly. Now would you mind helping out my friend? He's a Nigerian attorney who wants to route the money of a deceased wealthy client through your bank account. All I need is your account number. And your Social Security Number.

Hmmmm.... I don't know....

Come on! He's from Nigeria! And he's a prince!

You said he was an attorney!

Yeah, sure, why not?

Very well. Shall I send him this hundred dollar processing fee to him through my Paypal account?

Sounds great. Hey, pull my finger again!

Well.... alright!

Okay, not really. But I should totally be writing for Marvel or DC.

The big mastermind behind everything was Calvin Stymes, who was driven to stuttering by the "drowned" men and wanted revenge by turning them into criminals, causing them to lose their reputations and spend time incarcerated. This was actually a pretty good plot twist, until you see what actually caused the stuttering.

You see, the "drowned" men had belonged to the same fraternity, and Stymes (who was afraid of dogs), had poisoned their canine mascot. To teach Stymes how to properly treat dogs, they did this:

Yes, they painted their other dog with luminous paint to scare him. Because nothing says "Be kind to animals" like covering a dog in toxic, glowing chemicals.

Yes, it was silly, but I still love this story.

See you tomorrow!

Monday, November 17, 2008

Our Second Blogversary Monday!

Hey, hey! Comics Make No Sense is two years old today. Yep, it was 24 short months ago that I was reading something stupid and thought, "You know who might find this funny?" And then I couldn't answer that question, so I thought I'd just post it and see if anyone cared.

Two years later, and this site averages over 1000 hits a week. I apparently underestimated society's need for someone to go through old comics and find the dumbest things they could.

So, today's post is something of a catch-all as to what CMNS is all about. First, the Sexism of the Silver Age, courtesy of Avengers v1 #45:

Wow. Yes, Janet, I couldn't agree more that you serve no practical purpose, but the fact that you readily own up to it is refreshingly candid.

Until this moron starts talking:

Yes, girls.... your physical appearance as evaluated by men is the defining aspect of your existence. Embrace it.

And sometimes, we find stuff of neat (albeit geeky) moments of history. Like this initial appearance of Jimmy Olsen in World's Finest v1 #6:


And sometimes I have no idea of what I'm reading, even though it was originally designed for six year-old boys. Like this joke, also from World's Finest v1 #6:

What? Seriously... what? I get that he has the brain of a sheep, but I don't understand that last bit.

And the ads. Oh, how I loves me some ads. They bring us Fudge Judges, Gahoons, Captain Tootsie and children who haven't yet learned to be afraid of O.J. Simpson. Like this classic Tootsie Roll ad:

Uncle Sam says "Eat more dextrose, kids!"

It's been a great run. Doing this blog given me something to look forward to every day. Thanks from me to you, for giving me this forum to spout off about this hobby we all love enough to poke fun at.

See you tomorrow as we start Year Three!

Friday, November 14, 2008

Food Fight Friday!

From All-Star Comics #34:

Now, I am the first to say that I am no great musician. When I was a kid, I wanted to play drums in marching band, but my stupid parents made me play my sister's hand-me-down clarinet instead (because a penchant for playing drums naturally translates into a knack for woodwind instruments). Their rationale was that I would either (a) take to playing the clarinet, in which case I would continue to play the clarinet or (b) I would quit. The important thing was, Adam would never annoy his parents by playing the drums. Which sucks, because had I played an instrument I enjoyed, band is a decent social network in your high school and college days.

But oh, how my life would have changed if I'd had my mitts on a Gahoon. Sure, I would have shredded the reed and made sounds like wildcats mating every time I tried to play a note (as was my experience with the clarinet), but I'm pretty sure I would have been the best Gahoon player in the band. Of course, I would have been the only Gahoon player in the band, but how cool would that have been? I mean, who knew what a Gahoon was actually supposed to sound like? I coulda been the freakin' Buddy Rich of Gahoons, I coulda!

I tried to research the Gahoon on the Google, but came up surprisingly empty. Anyone know where I can get my mitts on a Gahoon?

Gahoon. Gahoon, Gahoon, Gahoon.

Playas know:

The bitches get all up in your junk for a Baby Ruth. Play on!

From Daredevil v1 #237:

She moves like she wears perfume? What the heck does that mean? And she smells like she does her own taxes, keeping good records and attaching all appropriate documentation! I mean, what's the correlation here?

I know this isn't from the Frank Miller era, but am I asking too much here?

Some days, you just need to see Batman and Robin in a food fight:

Yeah! Thanks World's Finest v1 #5!

See you Monday!

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Mr. W.I.Zard Thursday!

You know, it just occurred to me that it's November and I haven't picked up either of the Big Two's summer events. Are Final Crisis and Secret Invasion over? I don't like to read something until I can get all the parts together.

Hide yer womenfolk! It's time for All-Star Comics #34!

Oh, come on! W.I.Zard? That's right up there with "I.Rekoj" as the lamest alias ever. If I'm ever asked my name again, I'm going to call myself "B.I. Teme" and see if anyone sees through my clever ruse.

But even more maddening is no one in the JSA figures it out, even though they are also talking about their new foe, the Wizard:

Yep. It's a shame we can't get a lead on the Wizard. But it sure is nice of W.I.Zard to offer us financial support. I'm sure we can trust him.

A shadowy figure is spotted in JSA Headquarters! Finally!

.... and, for some reason, Wonder Woman takes this opportunity to do the Twist.

But at least someone finally figures out the big puzzle of the day:

Great one there, lab partner! This embarrassing incident is why subsequent super-teams always had a Batman, Mr. Fantastic, or Brainiac 5 on call.

And then, as always, I get distracted by the ads, which are more entertaining than the story itself:

Now, I didn't do much in the way of team sports, because that really wasn't my thing. But is in common for coaches to spoon-feed their players? Maybe I should have tried out for Ed Krause's team - I don't know who he was, but I would have liked the perks!

Cue Captain Tootsie!:

Yeah, Tootsie Rolls are a great source of energy. They're in the health food isle, right next to the Boca Burgers.

Next, we see why you should never work in a science lab in comics:

Hear that? Nothing can go wrong!

Never say "Nothing can go wrong" in a comic book. You're just asking for it.

I can't take any more! Cue Green Lantern fighting a dragon for no particular reason!

Much better. See you tomorrow!

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Leg-Twitchin', Flyin'-Belt-Bucklin' Wednesday!

Wow, is my face red. As was pointed out, Roy Thomas was writing the Avengers by this time in the series, not Stan Lee. Sorry about that. I suppose I could have always just checked my facts before I started ramblin', but where's the fun in that?

But you can be sure that today's panels came from Avengers v1 #43. Beyond that, I guarantee nothin':

Okay, let's get this straight: Quicksilver can fly by moving his legs really quickly? Shenanigans. If you don't believe me, scratch your dog's belly as fast as you can and see if his kicking legs ever get him off the ground. Nonsense. This was clearly an attempt at making Quicksilver more interesting than the Silver Age Flash, which didn't really happen. Quickie just never had much of a personality. Maybe it's the hair.

Hey! It's time for more Fun with Out of Context Dialogue!(tm):

Saying my belt buckle (and subsequently my pants) just "flew off like magic" is not a legal defense. Take my word for that one. Cops have no sense of humor.

And now.... Epithets with Hercules!(tm):

By the Bawdy Brawls of Dionysus! Collect 'em all!

Hey, remember when we saw those kids wearing FF and Avengers t-shirts? By an amazing coincidence, Marvel had 'em for sale in the gift shop:

Don't know about those buttons, though.

See you tomorrow!

Monday, November 10, 2008

The Fantastic Avengers Monday!

Hey, Dear Ones! It's great to be back! Alas, there will be no posting tomorrow because of Veteran's Day, but here's an extra-large post to fill your peepers with random comic goodness!

In Avengers v1 #41 and 42, it was pretty obvious that Stan Lee was writing both the Avengers and the Fantastic Four at the same time. I know it's been a good year since we've picked on the FF, but see if this doesn't bring back some classic Comics Make No Sense themes:

Yes, having Hercules join the team was great, but now that the Scarlet Witch is back to full strength (whatever that is), they can really get down to business. Shut up, Wanda. Don't you have some sewing to do?

And why is she doing a handstand? Seriously, I could reprint the whole page, and you still won't understand why Wanda is doing a handstand. I mean, she uses her power by.... I dunno, pointing at stuff. What's she doing there?

Hey! It's.... Diablo!

Yes, the villain whose name you cannot say without taking a dramatic pause.....Diablo!

Yes, I would like to order a pizza, please. Have it sent to my castle.

Certainly, sir, and what name would that be under?

I am....



Sir? Your name please?

Infidel! You have made me start over! Wait ten seconds after I finish speaking.

Oh.... ok.

Yes, like that! My name is....



Diablo! ..... and I have a coupon.


Diablo wants the help of superguy/scientist Reed Richards Henry Pym. How will he get Richards Pym to do his bidding?

By kidnapping the Invisible Girl Wasp! What a bold, not-even-kind-of-overdone plot device!

And, then we get a shot of Hercules eating grapes:

And even when he's just sitting around eating grapes, he's still more interesting than the Wasp and the Scarlet Witch combined. That's why they never show you a pic of the Wasp or the Scarlet Witch just sitting around eating grapes.

In a rare moment of self-awareness, Hawkeye realizes that, although he is virtually identical to the Justice League's Green Arrow, he will never be remotely as cool, largely because Green Arrow scored with Black Canary and had a kid sidekick with a heroin problem. Take that, Stan Lee!

You don't often see Hercules get smacked. That's a classic moment in comics right there. "By the Zestful Zither of Zeus" is going to be my line of choice the next time I'm taken by surprise.

And, due to an unfortunate coloring error, Goliath loses his pants for one panel as a perplexed Quicksilver looks on. :

By the Zestful Zither of Zeus! Well, that didn't take long, did it?

With respect and thanks to our veterans!

See you Wednesday!