Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Where is This Conversation Going?

I'm not sure these guys are getting ready to fight or make out. Maybe the next panel will make me feel better...

.... hmmmm.... nope, that didn't help at all.

A Quick Lesson in Economics....

Well, folks, it isn't hard to figure out why the family has no money - pops doesn't seem to understand that if you mortgage the farm for a charity event, that money ain't comin' back, no matter how well princess does in her little swim meet!

"A charity event did ye say? Why, that sounds like as good an investment as when I sent that television preacher your college fund!"

And Now, Another Joke From Quagmire....

That's what she said on her wedding night! Giggity!

Monday, July 30, 2007

What Did He Just Say?

If I were Green Arrow, I'd have two concerns:

1) I don't want them to name a crack train, a heroin motorcycle, or whatever else they're using after me. Keep my name out of it.

2) This is the newest crack train? You mean there have been others? Something tells me the War on Drugs pooped out a long time ago....

Not as Amazing as They're Making it Sound....

I guess kids in the 1950s were more easily impressed. What diction! What enunciation! And the way he handles those note cards! What a man!

And Now, A Joke From Quagmire....

Bring enough booty back for everybody.... 'course I'm not opposed to sharing! Giggity!

Friday, July 27, 2007

You Don't Have to Say Every Thought That Comes into Your Head

I'm not judging you, Roy. I'm truly not.

We were all teenage boys once, and we've all done what we've had to do to "relieve that pressure."

But whatever you choose to do, you don't have to tell others about it. You really don't. In fact, I suggest you don't. Ever.

Preparing Boys for Marriage

Get used to it, fellas. You'll come home after a hard day's work and find big piles of crap in your driveway, courtesy of your wife. Kiss your weekend good-bye, because she's already made a date with you and a shovel.

You know you're married when you actually own your own wheelbarrow. Beloved has ordered dump truckloads of dirt in 102 degree weather, I kid you not. She has, without consulting me first, allowed piles of mulch and gravel the size of Honda Accords to be dumped on my yard. She has had me fill garden boxes with dirt, empty them, then fill them with more dirt. It's like that scene in Cool Hand Luke where the warden had Paul Newman digging that ditch over and over. The only thing missing was a State of Mississippi Department of Corrections badge on her floppy hat as she supervised my efforts.

The funniest thing she ever said was, after I filled in our in-ground pool one wheelbarrow load at a time (it took months), "When we get our next dumpload of dirt, we'll put it over there." I advised her that divorce proceedings would begin upon visual verification of any more unauthorized piles on my property, but she might find a younger man when she remarries who might not have a problem, so go for it. She has wisely not tested my policy on this, for I am not bluffing.

"Dig, Titans! Dig!" You know, Donna, you are theoretically stronger than any of those guys. Are we afraid we'll break a nail, princess?

Costume Hall of Shame - The Flying Aces Gang

I'm pretty sure they only appeared once as foes of the Golden Age Green Arrow, but you just can't let those outfits get away. What's the common theme? Why, that we're all wearing our Fruit-of-the-Looms on the outside of our pastel outfits, of course! When the Royal Flush Gang is looking to kick your ass, you're doing something wrong.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Character Hall of Shame - Dazzler

You knew it was coming sooner or later.

Only Johnny Storm would be desperate enough to have the hots for Dazzler. What, is Beautiful Dreamer from the Forever People busy?

Not that I Look for Subliminal Messages...

...but am I the only one wondering what's up with the Amazon bossing "Dick" around? I'm just asking!

Fraternity Life

Okay, I understand why during hazing someone would strike Superboy with a paddle, but who is using their hand? To me, if there's anything involving your hand and my behind, you better have my permission in writing.

Artie Dark is not worthy of joining the Brotherhood of the Stupid Hats!

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Greatest. Escape. Ever.

I am LOVING this!

Nothing says "I'm not afraid of Johnny Quick" like urinating on a fire hydrant in pantomime... all we need is him giving Johnny the finger....

I'm Not Trying to be Cynical

... but I question the sincerity of this endorsement. Since when do Western heroes chew bubble gum? I give this all the credibility of Martha Stewart's endorsement of K-Mart...

Why Enlistment in the Armed Forces is Down....

Hey, kids! Thinking of enlisting?

Change that first panel to a Recruiting Office and put the last two in the middle of a Godforsaken desert, and this is pretty much what you can expect...

For Webcomics Creators

Dear Ones,

It has occurred to me that if I really like a product that might be of interest to you, I should at least say so and give you the chance to check it out. First off, I'm a big fan of Firefox. It's the browser I really use, and here's why: I have found it works just as well as Internet Explorer without the security risks. They aren't paying me to say that. I just think it works better and I want you to know.

I am going to be looking at revamping "The Procrastinator" column over at panel2panel.com. If all goes well, I plan on making it more in the form of a comic strip, *if* thems who make the software agree to let me use it that way. Regardless, I know a lot of folks here are webcomics creators, so I'm going to review the software and let you know what I think.

So, what is it? It's called Comic Creator 2.0, and it's debuting at the big Comic Con in San Diego. It makes a lot of promises, including the use of embedded applications like Audacity to add sound and animation. I'm a big fan of Audacity, so they have enough sense to incorporate good software. So, in addition to sound effects bubbles, you theoretically can incorporate sound effects. The whole idea is to take webcomics to the next level by implimenting the multimedia aspects of the PC (particularly Windows Vista), rather than just showing flat drawings. It could be very interesting. Anyone seeing it at the Comic Con can post their own thoughts in the comments.

I'll let you know what I think.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Worst. Cruise. Ever.

This is the last time I buy a cruise on ebay....

Chicks are All the Same...

See? Women say they want someone who is intelligent with a great personality, but we can see what really cuts the mustard when we catch them talking amongst themselves...

I'm Not Trying to Tell You How to Run Your Railroad...

but when Satan isn't the most offensive option in your catalogue, you should really re-examine your product line. They don't have a picture of it, but if you look at your choices, "black face" is one of them. Yes, that is what you think it is. This is so wrong I'm almost uncomfortable making fun of it.

Note: As my observant readers pointed out, there is a picture of the "black face" mask next to Satan. I was probably trying to block it out of my mind.

Recommended Reading...

Of course, you should read everything I post over and over, but just in case, I would recommend you read The Want List's review of Showcase Presents Jonah Hex... which is also mighty fine readin', pardners!

Monday, July 23, 2007

I Must Admit....

.... those are some big-ass lobsters. I'm kind of surprised Aquaman doesn't whip those out more often....

Interesting Promotional Items of Post WWII America....

Mmmmmmm.... nothing goes better together than bubble gum and office supplies!

DC Comics - Approved by Gertrude!

Wow. There are some things of which you simply do not want parental approval, lest they quit being cool. You don't want your mother listening to your music or you and your dad dressing like twins, know what I mean?

Why I still love DC so much, I can't tell you. When Gertrude and her Prevention of Juvenile Delinquency Committee slapped their approval on DC Comics, that made me throw up in my mouth a little. The same thing happens when I'm watching a movie with my mom in the room and there's anything even remotely resembling a sex scene.

Friday, July 20, 2007

Not that Comics Encouraged Juvenile Delinquency....

.... but the ads sure did! Hey, Kids! Get hopped up on this great-tasting cough medicine and assault your neighbors with this artificially loud horn!

Johnny Quick, Gullible Idiot

You know, if Johnny slowed down a second, he'd realize that kid on the left is totally snowing him. Yeah, I did my homework, but the dog ate it. Could you re-do it? Look at that kid's face. That's the same look a kid gets when he's about to use a fake ID.

The only person dumber than Johnny in this panel is the guy who is actually about to take business advice from him.

Child Labor Laws? Never heard of 'em.....

Schools and organizations are shameless about turning children into little salesmen. Among the things I've been guilted into buying are cookies, wrapping paper and trash bags (although I've got to say, the trash bags were at least practical because they were thick enough that I could use them to bag leaves.... where is that neighbor kid who sells me those? Fall is a'comin'....), but this wins the prize for weirdest thing children have been recruited to sell.

Salve. Yup. Salve. Can you imagine a child ringing your doorbell and trying to sell you this stuff?

Child: It's good for chaps and mild burns.

Me: Thank heavens you're here! I've got a chapped burn and was just going to ride it out without salve! Your knock on my door couldn't be more timely!

Don't let the people that make Preparation H get wind of this....

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Orphanage = Kennel for Children

Wow, that's a great reason to adopt a kid, especially one you haven't even spoken to yet. So, if he can't do a triple gainer or sheds on the carpet, can you return him?


I don't care how fast you are or how much time you're given, there are some things you simply can't do. Johnny Quick ain't no mathematician, so the only thing he should be able to do is figure out more quickly that he can't solve the problem.

Barry Allen never pulled this crap, and he was actually a scientist...

Everyone's an Expert

Who the heck were these people? I just can't picture an 8 year-old boy from 1948 saying, "Well, I was going to buy a Marvel comic, but Dr. S. Harcourt Peppard says DC is the way to go...."

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Because I Run a Fair and Balanced Blog....

... I feel obliged to point out that, as cool and awesome as he was, Stilt-Man was never a giant. I mean, he was a tall guy, but he was on stilts. He didn't actually become a huge person, so how is he going toe-to-toe with Black Goliath?

Stilt-Man still rules! I forgive him! He loves me, I tell you! You just don't understand the good times we have!

Character Hall of Fame - Wooden-Head Jones

Dear DC,

If you bring back Wooden-Head Jones, I will buy five copies of every issue.

That includes slipcase editions, coffee-table sized ultimate collections, and restored classic variants.

I will buy additional copies to give as gifts to friends, family, and co-workers.

I will buy every piece of merchandising you come up with, and I will emotionally blackmail my wife into nicknaming me "Wooden-Head" just to subliminally promote the character.

Further, I will have "Can't Get Me Enough Wooden-Head" tattooed onto my forehead.



Identity Crisis? Not a Problem in Smallville...

These children cannot tell the difference between a flat image on a screen and a real, three-dimensional person. No wonder Superboy was able to keep these cretins from deducing his secret identity all those years.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Blockage of a Demi-God!

Hercules really needs a high-fiber diet. I'm just saying....

Okay, he's not really on the toilet there, but wouldn't The Champions have sold better if they'd had great moments like that?

Character Hall of Fame - Stilt-Man

Yeah, I said it! Stilt-Man rocks!

Okay, so he's not much of a threat. I mean, he's way up there and I doubt he can see you that well on the ground, so you can probably dodge him pretty easily.

And true, Daredevil figured out a pretty significant weakness pretty early in his career: He keeps his balance via a gyroscope located on his back. One smack of the gyroscope, and anything this side of a strong breeze can topple him.

And yes, his gimmick of doing high-rise robberies strains your willing suspension of disbelief. I mean, if you look out your window and see a guy holding a gun, all you have to do is run out of the room. It's not like he can follow you. He's on stilts!

But he was fun, in a pitiful sort of way. And never really seemed to understand how cumbersome, limited and ineffectual he was. He was like a personification of the Bush Administration, only he made it work for him.

Yeah, I don't care. I liked Stilt-Man! Get yer own blog, haters!

How to be Thrifty!

I have a better idea, Clark. How about kids save their dimes until they come out with an issue of Adventure Comics where you aren't acting like the world's biggest douche?*

*welcome to all new readers who Googled "world's biggest douche!"

Monday, July 16, 2007

Because Attractive People Don't Get Enough Breaks....

Honoring someone based on appearance? Well, that'll keep the unattractive people in their place! Nice idea, Mary..... you jackass.

Comics Made Me Cool!

Because nothing says cool to mainstream society like unnecessary arm patches...

Something to be Thankful for....

This wasn't any laughing matter, but now it's more of a curiosity. Here is a public service ad as to how to handle a polio outbreak in your area. Godwilling, someday we'll look at the AIDS psa's with the same sense of distance.

Friday, July 13, 2007

Aquaman, Champion of a Greener World

I always thought Aquaman was supposed to be some kind of environmentalist, but as we see here, he doesn't think twice about polluting the ocean with unknown chemicals.

Um... seriously Aquaman, maybe we ought to have a HazMat unit check out those chemicals. They could be toxic...

Nah, they'll wash right off in the salt water. If they don't come out, I'll treat the stains with soap made from the brains of baby seals. No worries!

What's the Moral Here?

I mean, this is obviously some kind of Tom Sawyer homage, but we seem to be missing a point. Is it that kids who eat Cracker Jack don't realize it when they're being exploited for free labor?

Oblivious Lad Strikes Again...

Gee, Superboy, if you wanted to make the guy feel better, maybe you could quit calling him by that unflattering nickname, giving everyone else the idea that it's okay.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Someone Call Social Services!

You could say Oliver was being kind of a schmuck for letting Roy go up that makeshift ladder first, but in his defense, isn't that kind of why you have a sidekick in the first place? I mean, you hope the kid doesn't catch a stray bullet and all, but we've gotta protect the king on the chess board, know what I mean?

Rubber Boots Made Me Popular!

Yup, because nothing says "I'm cool!" or, in the alternative, "I have a hard time avoiding puddles!" like a pullover rubber boot. Get a pair now and surprise the gang!

I've got to admit - if I showed up for work wearing a pair of these, it would certainly "surprise the gang!"

Too Much Smack-Talking

Arthur, Tony Stark called. Something about a conference between his boot and your ass. That's right! I said ASS!

Of course, this story was published a good 15 years before Stan Lee would create the Iron Man character, but wouldn't it be great if someone sent Tony Stark a copy of this panel? He'd can Arthur like a tuna!

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Genuinely Fake!

"Autographed in Genuine Facsimile"? I think we've just established Thom McCan had the best marketing minds in the industry back in 1948.

It's fake! But in a really authentic way!

Yummmm... Take a Bite of Old Nick!

If you've ever had an Old Nick candy bar, I'd like to hear about it. Namely, I'd like to know how you got past the name and the creepy guy spokesman who looks like those guys hanging around restrooms at public parks. I'm sure the candy the old guy is offering me is only the first half of the proposed transaction, and I'm not sticking around for further negotiations, if you know what I mean.

Truth, Justice and Profiling

Wow, Clark! So you can just look at someone and tell if they're evil, can you? Yeah, they aren't young and good-looking, so they must be evil. Check and see if they have any scars or skin conditions, because that'll clinch it for sure.

By the same token, we all know bad people don't keep their hair nice, so designate yourself a friend of the law by putting goop in it. Quick, Sam!