Friday, September 28, 2007

A Few of Our Favorite Words

"Glands" is a word you just don't see often enough these days. I think if you can't say something nice about someone, you should compliment their glands.

YES! The word "seamen" makes another appearance.... and this time, they're invading! That's what happens when you don't have protection, kids!

I try not to pick on every he-man comic ad I find, but I have never heard the phrase "chicken-chested" before. It seems like the chests of chicken are the meatiest part, so I'm not sure why that's a slam.

By the way, I don't worry about how "popular I am with the boys." Ever. That's not going to get me to work out, so you can peddle that line with someone else, because it's a "no sale" here.

And, just so you won't think I'm lazy.... John Sill, despite his movie star body, was never credited as having been in any movie that I can find, and I looked. So, we can just presume he was just another gymrat.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Green Arrow Thursday!

I realize Roy isn't a MENSA candidate these days, but it turns out he was pretty whacked-out years before he started shooting smack. What kind of flare, if it malfunctions, makes statues look like Green Arrow? Unless he's admitting he has a Green Arrow fixation, which I'm not even going to get into here.

Millions of uses for an arrow that sprays oil? I've come up with oil-spraying, and that's about it.

Okay, I'm finished. I leave the other 999,999 to you.

Hey, Sonny! No one likes a kiss-ass!

(Except, apparently, Green Arrow.)

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Rootin' Tootin' Shootin' Wednesday!

Drat! They're escaping using the dreaded "52 Pickup Technique!"

Guys, you realize you're packing projectile weapons? Theoretically, you should be able to take down all three of those guys without leaving the car, much less running after them. I love Ollie and Roy, but they're idiots.

Hmmmmmmmm..... could it be that the Master is baiting us?

Get it?

Hey, my Beloved laughs at farts. Sometimes the simplest of jokes are all you need. They can't all be Andy Rooney, know what I mean?

Just in case teaching your kid how to shoot a rifle doesn't make him go totally Punisher on you, get him one that he can learn to take apart and hide in a duffel bag. Does it come with its own clock tower and cyanide capsule for the little assassin-in-training?

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Family Values Day!

Two things:

1) If your family was anything like mine, you don't want to do anything that might involve power tools. Pops was a little quick-tempered, and you might find yourself on the wrong end of a chainsaw.

2) I'm not judging anyone else's family, but I wouldn't trust any group of people that named me "Allergy."


Where do teachers in comics get these visual aids? Shouldn't that be hanging in a natural sciences museum somewhere?

The sad thing is, I know many parents these days who fall for that argument. You should worry less about your child expressing itself and more about your child spending a large chunk of its life in a court of law. Here's an idea: Grow a pair and express yourself to your child that this kind of behavior will not be tolerated, followed by a swift smack on the butt. The world at large will thank you.

Monday, September 24, 2007

High Fashion, Varsity Vic, and Goodbye to the FF

Where do I begin here? I mean, was an $11 dress considered hauteur couture back in the 1950's? I can't imagine you getting anything above an apron with sleeves if that's your clothing budget unless you're hitting the thrift shop (which I certainly did more than once in my salad days, so I'm not knocking it. I'm just pointing out that I don't see one woman saying to another, "Like it? George spent ELEVEN DOLLARS on it!" That's all.)

My other question is how they intended to reach their intended audience by advertising in the back of a comic book. We've seen weird ads in comics several times, but is little Billy supposed to tell his mom about this great scam marketing opportunity? I just don't get it.

Can you believe that with hilarious stuff like this, Varsity Vic didn't make it? Pardon me while I mop up all that sarcasm. I truly don't see how this is supposed to be funny. 1950's humor was either really stupid or over my head. Probably both.

And lo, it is with a not-so-heavy heart that I say good-bye to the Fantastic Four. I was into the 300's, and it's fallen into that rut where it's not giving me much good material and it just isn't good enough to read for the heck of it. So, Reed, Johnny, Ben, and especially Sue:

I couldn't say it any better, Reed. Vaya con Dios!

Friday, September 21, 2007

The Day I Lose All My Native American and East Indian Readers

Indian Child Welfare Act? Never heard of it. He'll answer my questions or off to the orphanage he goes!

Gee, Oliver, I can't imagine why he isn't warming up to a masked white man, as I'm sure he's been told all kinds of great things. Why don't you offer him some beads for Manhattan Island? He'll probably love that.

I'll be there, Mr. Mayor! (click click) Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Mayor, that's my call waiting.... (click click) Thank you for calling customer service, this is Steve!

When I read that to my Beloved sounding like Apu in The Simpsons, it's gonna kill. Just watch.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Pop Persuaders, Seamen, and Feeling Up Souls.... It Must be Thursday!

Now, I understand the company's attempt at helping kids manipulate their parents into making this purchase. Turning people's children into shills certainly worked for McDonald's and Kellogg's.

That being said, what is a "Pop Persuader"?

I'm guessing it's either a swift kick in the groin or pictures of Dad with a teenaged male hooker.

New CMNS Policy: Any panel that says the word "seamen" with a straight face gets immortalized here. You get double points for finding references to "homes" for "seamen."

Shenanigans! I realize women like to pretend they have the monopoly on human emotion, but how exactly does one "feel the truth of a soul"? I know they aren't saying anything because you don't want to be the douchebag dressing down the blind woman in front of all her friends, but that's just annoying. Makes you want to just.... I don't know....

Exactly. It makes you want to smack Sue. Thank you, Reed.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Field Trip!

Wow! Way to inspire the kids, Perfesser!

Yeah, you kids probably won't find anything of any significance. Now that I think about it, I'm not sure why you're bothering at all. I think I'll go to the bus and hang out with my good friends, Johnnie Walker and Jack Daniels.

If I were Oliver, I'd be mighty glad that the conclusion he drew when he looked at a photo of me in a stage of undress with a prepubescent boy was that we were super heroes. That could have taken a much uglier turn....

Boy, if I had a nickel for every time one of my dates ended up like this when I was single....

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Pimpin', Moustache-Sucking, and Philosophizin'

Franklin Richards, pimp.

And my sideburns for my bladder control problem! What the heck is he talking about? Mind you, he's talking about sucking on his moustache. I'm not kidding.

The chicks can't resist a pseudo-intellectual. I love the awkward look on Alicia's face. It's like, "I'm not dating you for your mind, Johnny. Just stand there and flex."

And now, as an added bonus because foldedsoup is a freakin' genius:

Monday, September 17, 2007

Superboy Silliness Super-Sized Spectacular pt. 2

Well, let's see how successful my first two-part blog entry worked out. It's easy to forget things over the weekend, but I'm sure my razor-sharp memory will come through.

So, that's how you have an advantage over criminals, you say? With the power that I presume they also have?

Superboy totally supports the insanity defense, but it doesn't seem to matter to the guy from Texas Titan.

I think he tried to do some good deeds or something. I got all distracted wondering what part of his body that extreme heat was coming from.

And then, um..... let me think.

Oh, yeah!

Reed Richards had a theory. He went on and on, so I just kinda skimmed those panels like I always do.

And Ben got annoyed. So I started reading again. It ended somehow.

There! Wasn't that great? We'll do more of those in the future.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Superboy Silliness Super-Sized Spectacular pt. 1

Sometimes, it's not easy being a comic blogger. Some days, you read comic after comic, and there's just nothing to make fun of.

And then along comes Adventure Comics #205. It's a story so full of snarky goodness, I can't put it all in one day's post.

You know you're looking at fertile ground when they pull out the old doppelganger plot device. You know the shtick - similar powers, only the new guy is all mysterious and eventually reveals himself to be evil, which always surprises the protagonist even though a new guy crossing your paths with similar powers is never anything but evil.

Um.... new guy? I don't know how they do it where you're from, but you're flying awfully close to Superboy. Let's leave enough room in between you for the Holy Spirit, what say?
Love, the Comics Code Authority

MOM! DAD? WHAT THE HELL? Feel free to blurt out my secret identity to a total stranger! When I'm wearing my super suit, I'm SUPERBOY! How hard is that? You ruin EVERYTHING!

Is it just me, or is Superboy looking a little mooney-eyed at the new kid?

Nope. It wasn't just me. He and I are almost like brothers! Or something! It's like on the Brady Bunch where you were just waiting for the moment Greg and Marcia would start making out.

Don't want to lose the secret ID? That ship sailed about three pages ago, Clark!

I hate to leave you with a cliff-hanger, but..... TO BE CONTINUED!

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Bad-Ass Dudes and She-Hulks

Let's accentuate the positive today!

Deadshot makes both the Character and the Costume Hall of Fame for his bad-ass self. He belongs in the Character Hall of Fame because he's freakin' Deadshot! End of discussion!

He gets in the Costume Hall of Fame because he wears white trunks on the outside of his costume and yet it doesn't look like underwear - only he could pull that off. Not the trunks, the look. I don't want to see any guy pull off his trunks. That's not what we're about here.

She-Hulk is 50 different kinds of awesome because she was invented for no other reason than to safeguard Marvel's trademark. Yet, despite the high probability of being a throwaway character, she has been a consistent character in the Marvel Universe for over a quarter century, not only through three reasonably successful solo titles, but as a member of the Avengers, the Fantastic Four, Heroes for Hire, Fantastic Force and S.H.I.E.L.D. As comicdom's ultimate over-achiever, She-Hulk gets her well-deserved place in the Character Hall of Fame.

And leave us not forget the reason we love comics to begin with - Suggestively homoerotic dialogue! :

This is great dialogue. Awesome. Are we shooting a gay porn movie (hello, Googlers!) here?

And before you rightfully assume I'm being adolescent here, check out the title of this issue:

They make it too easy. They really do.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Smallville Shenanigans

Today's snarkiness is brought to you by the cover story from Adventure Comics #204:

I don't care enough about Superman lore to research this, but if they didn't make this kid the Prankster in later years, they missed out on some great continuity porn (and helloooooooo, Googlers!).

For those of you wondering why it took so long before Superboy left Smallville for Metropolis, I believe it was an unsettling combination of high gangster activity and cops with rheumatism.

Yup.... because comics are a visual medium, there's nothing more entertaining for a child than matching wits! This is why the comic adaptation of Searching for Bobby Fischer went over so well....

Shrieking and sobbing over mislabelled cans. Way to advance the feminist movement, Lana!

I find it refreshing that big business is coming right out and saying they'll screw over a charity if they don't get what they want. Superboy not performing to your standards? Then, screw the underprivileged children! That'll show him to do a better job you aren't paying him for to begin with!

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

The Beating Goes On (and Off!)

Today at Comics Make No Sense, we've got the beat!

This is very funny if you just read the dialogue and don't look at the picture:

This was a joke that was also made on Family Guy, but I lay claim to it because Beloved accidentally said it to her 14 year-old neice years before. She looked this precious child in the eye and said, "You're going to have to beat the boys off." This would have landed without harm had her 16 year-old nephew not heard it and began laughing loudly at this unintentioned Solicitation of a Minor offense committed by his aunt. To make the matter complete, we were in a funeral procession at the time. Sadly, this wasn't the worst crime against children Beloved has ever accidentally committed - remind me to tell you about the time she got a toddler drunk (totally by accident, I swear).

That's still not as funny as giant shrimp "beating off" sharks, though.

If you didn't read Criminal, this was the highlight of all five issues. I plan on pulling this stunt a lot in about 18 months when gray totally overtakes my hair.

And let's finish with Big Beat records. 78 rpm's of pure Hit Parade, true dat! 50 years ago, this was cutting-edge technology. I have no idea who anyone besides Dean Martin was, but you'd better believe I'm about to Google "Snooky Lanson!" I'm just a little annoyed he came up with the name before I did.