Friday, May 29, 2009

Grey Gargoylin' Friday!

From Avengers v1 #191. I was never a huge fan of the Grey (or is it Gray?) Gargoyle. He's.... well, he's grey (or is it "gray"?). Not exactly a colorful bad guy. And he has a mustache. Mustaches annoy me.

But he gets mad props for attitude and dialogue:

See? That's how you get into your opponent's head! And he's right. Thor may have questionable fashion sense, speak in annoying King James English and be in desperate need of a visit to Supercuts, but he's still Thor. Cool as the Vision is, he's no Thor.

But there's a technical problem with this guy:

Catch that? "With my exposed right palm", but he never takes off the glove. And it's not like this was just a one-time glitch; I've never seen him take off the glove when he goes all "tactile Medusa" on someone. Is the palm exposed while his fingers are covered by the glove? If so, why bother with a glove at all? And what if he has an itch and is eating a burrito with his left hand? See? All kinds of questions here.

But more importantly, next issue has the greatest off-camera character ever:

Sadly, we never know who says that line, and I'm pretty sure we never see him again, but Mr. "Hep' Yo Seff Suckah" gets a free pass into the Character Hall of Fame.

See you Monday!

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Eating Disorderin', Dinosaur Walkin', Housecleanin' Thursday!

Adam is never too proud to accept contributions from you good folks. There is so much material, sitting out there like little sparrows, that I can't possibly catch it all in one lifetime. So, for the first time, here are some contributions from reader Paul George Cornish!

That kid in the middle is what gets me. I mean, my natural instinct is to shove two fingers down my throat every time I see Superman, but I didn't know others felt the same way. Seriously, does that kid have bulimia or something?

Oh, this is just wrong. Making any kind of pop culture reference in a comic book is asking, nay demanding, that you be scorned in years to come. This, for you youngsters out there, is a reference to "Walk the Dinosaur," a terrible song by Was(not Was). You can find it on YouTube if you're morbidly curious, but I refuse to breathe life into by posting it here.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't Clark have a whole fleet of robots in the Fortress of Solitude? Couldn't they do a little of the dusting around the place?

Thanks, Paul, for some great contributions!

See you all tomorrow!

Fart Jokes is Always Funny Wednesday!

The older I get, the less I'm sure of. But one thing I know has always been true:

Fart jokes is always funny.

That, and crime fighting has warped poor Dick Grayson:

I suppose when you expose a child to murder, mayhem and general human depravity on a regular basis, you're going to jack that kid up. Look at the beautiful trees, Dick! Yes, it's the perfect spot for a murder! All we need is to see Dick writing some emo poetry and dating a goth chick.

And, just in case I forgot to mention it:

Fart jokes is always funny.

See you tomorrow!

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Riveting Tuesday!

And we're back! Yay! From World's Finest #46:

Coming soon: Bruce Wayne, Quizno's Employee!

Don't you love the warning that's posted there? Batman and Robin are coming to arrest a murderer! We won't give you any warning before we make you pee in a cup to see if you smoked weed over the weekend, but if you've killed a guy, this is your chance to duck the consequences! Sign up for the Employee Softball Team in the Office!

I refuse to believe this was ever a real job. I suppose they didn't have portable radios in 1950 (or did they?)? Has anyone ever heard of construction sites hiring their own deejay? And would you ever hire a man who called himself "Cheer Upton"? I don't think I would...

This was just interesting from a historical perspective:

So, the contact lens was new in 1950. I've seen that little suction cup device at some point in my life, but it obviously isn't very commonly used today. I've seen people moisten their contacts with their own saliva, which strikes me as quite gross. I did the Lasik thing about 7 years ago, and it was one of the best things I've ever done. It keeps me from leaving around evidence like contact lens suction cup thingies that might later link me to a homicide. And I'm pretty careless. That's exactly the sort of goober I would make.

See you tomorrow!

Friday, May 22, 2009

Just Because You're Paranoid Doesn't Mean They Aren't Out to Get You Friday!

So, yesterday, we took a look at the Falcon and his persecution issues. I found it interesting that one didn't have to look very hard to see a self-fulfilling prophecy at work. First, with Thor:

Then, with Hawkeye:

Now, to be fair, Thor is often kind of a butt-head and Hawkeye is not only a jerk, but he's the guy who got kicked off the team to make room for the Falcon. So, it's not like these guys wouldn't have been schmucks to anyone in Sam's place. But, to be fair to Sam, I've seen a more welcoming group when I've watched Heathers. I haven't read the Falcon's tenure on the team since I was a teenager, so I'm watching this play out with a new perspective.

Meanwhile, let's play!

That, my friends, is one of the worst designs and marketing ideas I've ever seen. Who do you suppose built that awful contraption? Robin and Superman as a precursor to Rock'Em Sock'Em Robots, only it seems as though the only control is a lever you move from left to right. At least Batman had enough sense not to license his likeness to this. "Eh, I'll pass. Ask Robin."

Superman, on the other hand, will license his likeness to total crap. I give you:

Then again, no one is studying about me in school!:

You know, even if it's true, it's a little conceited to bring it up. I think Clark's trying to score.

Anyway, I'm afraid that Monday is a holiday, so I'll see you Tuesday! Have a great one!

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Playin' the Race Card Thursday!

I am a huge mark for the Falcon, and I really couldn't tell you why. But once I saw him on the cover of the Avengers, I knew I had to start back in. The Falcon on the same team as the Beast? My love for B-list characters was getting the respect it deserved, at last!

But, like the Beast, I don't know that Falc was treated with the same love I would have given him. More on that in a moment. First, it's time for Fun with Out-of-Context Dialogue!(tm!)

Okay, there's nothing really funny about it, but the use of the term "collective gasp." I'm not the most sociable of people, but I've been in a few crowds and I've never experienced a collective gasp, so I'm skeptical that it ever happens. I rarely even gasp, much less collectively. I think a collective fart, however, would be hilarious. Note to self: Submit story proposal to Marvel and DC where the characters utter a collective fart.

Where was I? Oh, yes. The Falcon. But first:

It surprised many that the Scarlet Witch was not a Harry Potter fan, citing that the books encouraged the exploitation of dragons.

What? Oh, I'm sorry. So, anyway, the Falcon came on board with a huge chip on his shoulder. Take this scene and multiply it by 10:

So, he assumes he's the product of Affirmative Action, which was somewhat true according to the government agent who ordered that he be a part of the team in the first place. But this whole, "No one listens to me" riff?

Exhibit A: 3 pages earlier:

I don't know. It looks like Cap is taking Falc's advice there, so I'm not sure what the problem is. Frankly, I never pay much attention to people who whine that their opinions aren't solicited. If you have something to say, say it. If you don't, that's your problem.

Still loved the Falcon, though. Love that he's been part of the team for years. He's not really one of the Earth's Mightiest Heroes, but he's cool, and that's good enough for me.

See you tomorrow!

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Extra Absorbent Wednesday!

Although he only pops up every so often, the Absorbing Man rules. I'm not sure whether he or the similarly-powered Amazing Man in DC came first, but this Marvel bad guy simply rocked. He was mean, tough, had an awesome power, and he carried around a big ball and chain. We need more guys like that.

That being said, check out how the Beast handles him:

Like I've said many times before, the Beast didn't get the respect he deserved in the Avengers, but he kept swinging and kept a good attitude.

Not that he always succeeded:

Okay, but look at Captain America butting in. Keep in mind that the guy's name is "The Absorbing Man." That gives you a pretty good idea of what his powers are, even if he hadn't already been known by the Avengers (which he was). So, throwing something made of an invulnerable substance right at the guy probably isn't the greatest strategy.

Case in point:

See what I mean? But not once does anyone call Cap a dumbass, which he clearly was. I hear all the time about what a master strategist Cap is, and all I have to do is break out this issue and say, "Exhibit A."

And it's time for Fun with Out of Context Dialogue!(TM!):

See you tomorrow!

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Public Service Announcement Tuesday!

Hey, kids! Here's one to grow on! From Avengers v1 #183!:

When you have to take your clothes off before having a martini, you are either really sloppy, or you enjoy your martinis way, way too much.

See you tomorrow!

Monday, May 18, 2009

Failpants Monday!

From World's Finest Comics v1 #43:

Speedy's effectiveness as a boy sidekick was often hindered by his raging Attention-Deficit Disorder...


Oliver Queen wasn't always a bleeding-heart liberal:

Such simple savages! And they don't seem to mind at all that I'm talking about them as if they weren't even here!


Worst form of communication ever:

Someone tell me how you are going to make this work. All of the letters have to be in order, which severely limits your word choices. And why is the comb playing music? Did they have Mp3 players back in the 1950's? Fail.

See you tomorrow!

Friday, May 15, 2009

Goodnight Nurse Friday!

As we bid a fond fare-thee-well to Night Nurse Week here at CMNS, let's look at the high points of issues #3 and #4, the final two issues of this awesome series:

I never knew that nurses were obliged to take a bullet for their patients. That must be one heck of an oath they take!

Hey! It's time for Fun with Out of Context Dialogue!(tm!):


I'm not totally sure what he's saying, but I'm pretty sure there's a sexual harassment lawsuit in the making. Those randy hospital workers! Save the "pudding" for your off-duty hours, kids!

And perhaps the greatest two panels ever to be seen in a comic book:

So long, Night Nurse. We barely knew ye.

See you Monday!

Thursday, May 14, 2009

KTUL TV has Annoyed Me Thursday!

Our local ABC affiliate, KTUL, interrupted last night's Lost season finale by diving in 45 minutes into the program and hijacking the airwaves for over 30 minutes. I understand the need to keep people updated when storms are coming, but I've never understood why weather people feel the need to show me the same thing 10 different ways. "Storms are coming. Watch out for tornadoes. More later." I got it. See how simple that was? I don't need a freakin' meteorological technology showcase interrupting my evening in this fashion. I have left a little post to that effect at the weather blog at, but they moderate me out. Cowardly bastards. If they were just as shy last night, I'd know what happened after Saaid got shot and Jack tried to detonate the H-Bomb. Don't anyone tell me.... I'll watch it online. Because it's just as good to watch a program days after it aired on a computer screen rather than on my television in high def, isn't it?

So, KTUL, bite me.

Here's more useless advice:

Watch out for the Invisible Man? You first. I need you to show me exactly how you propose I do that.

Well, I wish you the best of luck, but I believe you are looking for

I'm getting the impression that Night Nurse is one of those people. You know what I mean.

I posted this for no other reason than to provide proof that, at one time in human history, there was a "Height Increase Bureau," because I'm sure I'll have to prove it later. Oh, Canada, why you so silly?

See you tomorrow!

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Things You MUST Know Wednesday!

Night Nurse wears a cape when she's in public. Because it looks bitchin'.

Safety tip!::::

You probably should not ride in a car being driven by someone who says "accident investigation is booming!" I just don't know that he has the right frame of mind for driving you around.

And, lest I forget:

Banana Stamp! All hail Banana Stamp!

And finally:

Night Nurse does not fear malpractice suits. That's why she deserves to wear the cape.

Whee! I'm having fun! See you tomorrow!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Co-Dependent Tuesday!

More from the increasingly-awesome Night Nurse #1!

Check out the exchange between Night Nurse and Mr. Douchebag:

Not very promising, is it? But Night Nurse was nothing if not realistic, and as we know....

.... the girls go for douchebags. Waitasec, is she crying? Oh, come on!

Yeah, I don't know what we'd do without you, nurse! We'd have to heat our own soup, that's what! Thank goodness you went to nursing school, or we'd have to eat soup we heated ourselves, and that would simply never do!

You say you're lonely? Only one thing to fill that aching void in your soul:

Folks, I am a lover of all things furry, but raccoons are mean. Beloved once tried to save a baby raccoon, and it bit her when she tried to feed it. To all of our overseas readers, raccoons are not, nor have they ever been, "America's Favorite Pet."

Ricky is chomping down on that kid's hand even as we speak. In the next shot, little Earl is rolling around on the ground while paramedics give him 23 rabies shots in his stomach.

Heh. Night Nurse makes for good bloggin'. See you tomorrow!

Monday, May 11, 2009

Rotten Respirator Monday!

Yay! We're back in the saddle! Beloved is still wobbly, but she's convalescing nicely. Thanks to everyone for their good wishes!

And, in the spirit of health care, let's take a look at Night Nurse!

Yes, although this was another Linda Carter, she was not a student nurse. Oh no, my friends! She whipped her way through nursing school in this very first issue to become.... Night Nurse!

Now, I'm not saying she blubbered a lot, but if you look at her icon in the upper left corner, she's even crying there. Probably because she's the main character in Night Nurse. Check it out:

Now, I had heard that this was not as bad a comic as one might have thought, but I'll be the judge of that. Frankly, I was hoping that the conflict in the cover was that her boyfriend was going to break up with her if she treated an African-American, but it wasn't anything that cool. It was just a "career vs. marriage" struggle for Night Nurse. But see how much more awesome my idea was? And I still don't get offers to write for Marvel or DC.

So, let's take a look at one of the most universally reviled comic series of all time, and see if we can get further than we did on U.S.1.

There's promising dialogue like this:

There's someone like this at every job. You know, the one who takes their job so seriously they make statements like this? If you don't know who it is at your job that does this, it's probably you.

And, there are classic ads!:

Make big money writing paragraphs? I already do! Dear Friend, May the Lord's Blessings find you this day. I am a Nigerian Prince, living in exile, and I need your assistance in reclaiming my fortune. Please send me your Social Security Number and bank account routing number so that I may compensate you for your assistance... See? Easy money, no Whammies!

Great to be back! See you tomorrow!