Friday, February 29, 2008

Super-Bad Judgment Call Friday!

Oh, if only I had X-ray vision, and the common sense to maybe.... oh I don't know, use it to look around a bit for Kryptonite since I seem to stumble on a huge chunk of it every other issue!

Seriously, ever other rock in Smallville seemed to be made of Kryptonite, and Superboy always seemed genuinely surprised when he uncovered one.

There! I've escaped certain death by Kryptonite once again! Now I'll just move this boulder and.... oh, crap! Kryptonite again! How will I ever get out of this mess?

It's super-convenient that you can light my cigars so easily. I'll have plenty of time to remember your kindness a couple of years from now while I'm in the hospice ward pleading my case to be placed on the lung donor list.

What's next? Don't bother eating that fried food, Pa! I'll just shove the LDL cholesterol straight into your arteries with my super strength!

Hey, kids! Let's help Captain Misses-the-Obvious guess what's in the Superboy room! I'm guessing.... cabbage!

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Venus & Mars Thursday!

Okay, I'm not a marketing guy (obviously, because no one has ever heard of me and I should have been famous long before now), but I would never name a lipstick "Flame."

A burning sensation on the lips, I don't need. Am I the only one thinking it probably makes you feel like you have running cold sores? What's next, "Tingly Itch" hemorrhoid cream?

I know the answer! If she calls you "nice" at any time, it could mean potentially anything but what you're hoping it means.

In this case, it means that in the future, she'll bang strange guys in front of a video camera for money and drugs, but you still won't get any lovin' beyond that condescending kiss on the cheek. Time to move on.

But when they do see me, they see me carrying a big-ass trophy. That way, they know how awesome I am!

Seriously, this was Superboy's first appearance in the story. He was apparently just flying around "on patrol," and someone either handed it to him like you hand a paper cup of Gatorade to a marathon runner, or he just got it for himself as a little pick-me-up. Either way, I'm liking him less and less each day.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Daredevil Silliness Wednesday!

Hey, check out Daredevil's Ipod! No, Matt, I think you can safely assume no one suspects you have all that crap strapped to the top of your head. Most of us would find it dang distracting to get weather and traffic reports in the middle of a fight with Death Stalker, but apparently not you.

As an aside, remember the first Sony Walkman? I couldn't afford one as a kid (they were around $200 at the time), so I spent $50 on a "Stereo-to-Go." It was about the size of a small child and could only play cassettes, but I thought it was the greatest development in audio technology when I played Oh, No! It's Devo! through it....

Wow, Matt. You've got serious self-esteem issues, brother. What's the lesson we're supposed to learn here? That disabled people can't be in relationships with non-disabled people? Someone help me out here, because that little attitude problem of Matt's was a recurring theme for quite a while....

Say what you will, Daredevil was quite the detail man. The guy couldn't see, yet he kept tabs on when stores had their awnings down every day? Seriously, Matt, ask Karen out. You desperately need the distraction....

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Superego Tuesday!

If this is any indication of what the job application consists of, it's no surprise that Superham has never had an assistant or a sidekick for any length of time. Seriously, does anyone see Tim Drake putting up with that kind of sh!t?

More of Clark's inflated self-opinion. Guess who programmed the robots to call him that? I'll give you a hint - Clark builds the robots!

That's some awesome parenting there, mom! Give the little jerk a reward when a punishment is clearly more appropriate. That'll teach him.... absolutely nothing. In a few short years, when he's stealing your prescription meds and setting your house on fire because you didn't buy him an I-Phone, remember this day.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Parental Advisory Monday!

Ma and Pa Kent didn't always have it so great with Clark. Apparently, he went through something of a rebellious stage:

Clark, would you run some errands for your elderly mother?

Nope, I want to go tinker with my robots.

But, Clark, I need my medication.

Sorry, Ma! Robots first!

But Clark, I . . . *gaaaack*!

Just convulse there on the floor a little while, Ma, and I'll get to it when I get to it. Yeesh!


On the one hand, if anyone needed a costume change, it was Daredevil.

On the other hand, get over yourself, Murdock. You put on red tights. Even blind, I wouldn't be bragging about how it took you months to throw it all together.

What's with the trap door? Does Clark make Ma and Pa Kent live in the crawl space or something?

Yes, that was a strange story, Ma and Pa! Now get back under the house until I call you!

Friday, February 22, 2008

It's the End of the World, and It's Friday!

I knew I was getting older when I found myself hating music that people under the age of 25 seem to enjoy. I also find myself, on a painfully regular basis, not knowing who the guest host is on Saturday Night Live. I don't think Dane Cook or Carlos Mencia are funny, I don't find Paris Hilton attractive, I think John Grisham is a weak writer, and don't even get me started on how stupid American Idol is.

So, I acknowledge that I'm just not in step with the times. I accept that.

But explain this:

It's a trick question. You can't. There is no explanation, no excuse, no justification for bringing this thing back from the dead, much less putting it in hardcover.

For those of you that are fortunate enough not to be familiar, Kitty Pryde is to the X-Men what Cousin Oliver is to The Brady Bunch. She was brought on board by Chris Claremont to become the focal point of stories and basically signal the end of when any of the X-titles were actually worth reading.

Not that they didn't try. Lord, they shoved her down our throats for years. But she didn't have a unique ability (she could phase through solid objects like the Vision, but couldn't alter her density or be of any practical use in a fight like he was), and they couldn't even stick with a name. Let's see, we went from "Sprite" to "Ariel" to "Shadowcat" to "Reverse Mortgage" or whatever they call her now.

This Kitty Pryde and Wolverine mini-series was from the early days when (even more so than now) you could attach anything to Wolverine and it would fly off the racks. But keep in mind that (a) It's a mini-series from Marvel circa 1980's (which should be enough to scare you right there) and (b) Kitty Pryde got top billing, so you know at least half the content focuses on her.

And it's in hardcover. Not even a paperback, the thing is in hardcover. It's like rolling a turd in powdered sugar. Do not be tempted. Thus endeth my public service for the day.


Not to be shallow or cruel, but is this the face of a girl who can afford to be choosy? Bird in the hand, sweetheart....


My joke of shame for the day:

What's worse than getting crabs?

Give up?

Well, what's worse than getting molested?

Still don't know?

Getting molested by a crab.

Thank you, thank you! I'll be here all week! Don't forget to tip your waitress!

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Trying to Recover Our Dignity Thursday!

Okay, yesterday we hit a new low. This has to stop.

Okay, maybe just a few more:

Courtesy of contibutor sPat, here's a shot of Perry White trying to get Clark Kent under the mistletoe. Hey, Clark! Denial ain't just a river in Egypt! After yesterday's post, a little tongue-wrestling with another dude doesn't exactly seem out of the question...

Besides, Perry's your boss. It couldn't hurt.

Aqualad - gay pornographer. Did you get your action shot of Aquaman stroking there, Garth?

Here now, Ma Kent! Just because Clark wants to look at the National Guardsmen doesn't mean he's acting "queerly," as you so rudely put it....

.... unless he's watching them grow "rigid." I stand corrected.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Sexual Confusion Wednesday!

Okay, big viewer advisory here.

Today's post contains this image:

Yowza. That's disturbing on so many levels, even if you disregard the obvious "Guy pinning and stradling Superboy gets blown" joke.

But these things don't happen in a vacuum, people! Check out this guy's relationship with his mom:

I knew we'd be proud of you someday? Easy there, ma! You'll spoil that boy with such lavish encouragement!

I presume Superboy did indeed "show Ted his stuff," because.... well, remember this is how it turned out:

So, what do you think of him now, Lana? I'd be a little worried if I were you, because according to witnesses, "not even super-breath is enough to get Superboy off." I don't know how you rank in that department, but you'd better have some mad skills (or is it "skillz"?) if you want a second date!

Hey, I didn't write the panel. I just works with the material I finds!

Speaking of which:

Yeah, I'd be a little afraid of what happens next, if I were those guys. I wouldn't be at all comfortable with where this seems to be heading....

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Superman Hall of Shame Monday!

Hey, hey! It's a trio of cringeworthy Superman panels courtesy of contributor sPat!

I don't think "Jap" is a friendly term, but maybe someone can show me differently. Regardless, I'd be very concerend that a ball I threw with enough force for it to travel halfway around the world might... oh, I don't know.... kill someone in its path!

But again, that could just be me.

It always bothered me when they called heat vision "x-ray vision," because that makes things even sillier. But even if we called it heat vision, I've never known wood to be prone to welding.

And if this is going to be like the "feeding the ostrich rocks" incident where I was corrected over and over, I may start actually checking my facts, but this just seems impossible to me.

Wow.... there's some male-bonding for you, not to mention some of the hardcore action you can generally expect from a Superham story. Knit one, pearl two!

And in answer to your question, sir: Just because Superman does it, that doesn't make it manly or cool. In fact, I usually find things work out to the contrary.

Friday, February 15, 2008

Be Kind to Animals Friday!

Wow.... another 3 day weekend! Can you believe it? It's President's Day, and even though Dubya is currently in office, I can't turn down a paid day off. So, I'll be back Tuesday with more nonsense.

Meanwhile, let's show some love to our furry friends:

Preach on, brother. If it wasn't for Krypto and Krypto-related silliness (I love the expression on Krypto's face), I don't know if I could have toughed out Adventure Comics for this long. How many more of these do I have to read before I can start making fun of the Legion, anyway?

But, yes. Krypto has it, Superham does not. If Superham were doing this, it would be silly:

But a dog playing the uke and singing? That's good stuff. And I love the crowd. I'm going to put Frampton Comes Alive on while looking at this panel and see where it takes me.... hm, now I'm in the mood to play Guitar Hero again.

Ha ha haaaa! Yes, Billy! That's great! Of course, an ostrich eats grass and you're probably going to give him a painful impaction in his bowels, but as long as we're getting a chuckle, that's what really matters! Delightful!

But even more disturbing is this:

I'll show you! Just let me get out of these duds!

Um... I don't recall saying you had to do anything naked with the gorilla.

Oh, no problem. It's better this way...

No, seriously. I was thinking you'd just arm-wrestle it or something.

No, no. Sometimes you've got to show whose boss....

This can't possibly end well for anyone involved.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Valentine's Day Thursday!

Hey, hey! It's Valentine's Day, so find your steady sweetie and give her a big smoocharoo! And if you don't have a steady sweetie, just remember it's better to be single than to be with the wrong person. Wrong people like:

Lana Lang. Apparently, you can save countless lives and defend the very planet upon which she lives, but you're dead to her if you put on a few pounds.

Ma Kent. On the plus side, you'll know if she's cheating on you because she can't keep her pie-hole shut about anything.

And let's not forget Superboy, the younger version of the most insufferable character in comics. You know, if you joke about doing something schmucky, like he's clearly doing here, then the schmucky deed has crossed your mind. That makes you a schmuck.

On an unrelated, self-indulgent note, I turned 40 today. Your sympathy is appreciated. Also, Beloved could use some sympathy, because when you are married to someone born on a holiday, that holiday tends to fall off the calendar. So, Happy Valentine's Day, Beloved! Kudos to you for sticking around!

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Daredevil Break Wednesday!

Oh, I'm not finished with Superboy by a long shot. Heck, we haven't even reached the Legion yet! But let's cleanse our palate a bit with a look at Daredevil:

The cover of this first issue was one of the greatest marketing attempts, ever. Spider-Man and the Fantastic Four are on the cover, so we're going to start off huge with a big cross-over between the three titles, aren't we? Nah. Spidey and the FF are nowhere to be found inside, but to be fair, the cover never actually promises you'd see 'em.

And check out those hairstyles on Karen Page and the Invisible Girl. Va-va-va-voom!

And how many faces can they shove onto a cover, anyway? I've seen fewer faces in a copy of Where's Waldo?

My personal favorite is Foggy's portrayal. Excuse me, "Fun Loving" Foggy Nelson's portrayal. Was that supposed to be some kind of nickname that never caught on? Because no one calls him that. Ever. In fact, "Foggy" is a nickname, so I don't know why you'd give him a nickname on top of that. Is the fact that they put "Fun Loving" in quotes an indication that he's really kind of a buzzkill?

Regardless, Foggy is the worst attorney ever:

Yeah, Matt, I sent this high-profile client away because I read the police report and decided he wasn't entitled to a zealous defense. Because the police never lie, especially in their reports. And it's my job as an attorney to decide guilt or innocence, especially before I even get the accused's side of the story. And only good people are entitled to effective assistance of counsel, aren't they?

How did this guy pass the Bar Exam?

Foggy Nelson, half-ass attorney and sexual harassment suit waiting to happen:

Don't mind me, Karen. I'm just looking at you "longingly." Hope that's okay with you. And don't ever change the craaazy way you smell. Because I'm smelling you. While I'm looking at you longingly. And did I mention that panties are optional in this office?

In-frickin'-credible. Why Foggy never got his own comic, I'll never understand.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Keepin'-Them-Womenfolk-in-Their-Place Tuesday!

First, a fond farewell to Steve Gerber, the amazing writer of the Defenders, creator of Howard the Duck (the awesome comic, not the horrible movie) and all-around good egg in the field of comics. I hope you have a stockpile of stories for us to read when we meet up with you in the Great Beyond.

This is one of the greatest panels in the history of the world. What isn't awesome about this? Every lame Superboy story I've suffered through to get to this panel is now totally worth it.

You don't have a live band, you say? I'm with the girl on this one - is this really an appropriate use of a distress signal?

One from sPat - wow, Kal really made Kara his bitch, didn't he? You shall deny your very existence unless I say otherwise! I've always thought I was a little too easy on Beloved....

Monday, February 11, 2008

When-Mediocre-Characters-Collide Monday!

Back in 1975, when I was but a wee tyke of 7, there were no trade paperbacks collecting previously-published stories. But that didn't mean DC and Marvel were above reheating previously-served soup and re-selling it under a different name!

And I was a sucker for reprinted stuff, mostly because the publishers could shove a lot of content into each issue and sell it for a song. 48, 64, even 100 pages for 60cents was not unheard of. This is why I cringe when 28 page pamphlets are sold for nearly three bucks a pop.

Frankly, I blame distribution. Back in the day, we bought our comics from metal racks in groceries or convenience stores. No retailer expected to keep his whole operation running from the sales of comics. They were incidental items that didn't take up a lot of floor space with a decent amount of merchandise turnover, so the prices were kept well within the range of children. Not today. Now, a comic book shop has a direct distributorship and your purchases are the only thing keeping the doors open. It's a heavy financial burden all the way around, and the end result is that children no longer have the kind of access to comics we did. And that makes me sad.

Yes, comics are much better now and cost more to produce. But three bucks per title every month is limiting, even to crusty old farts like me with regular jobs. That is what is killing the industry, and it's a shame. That's why I give my old comics to younger kids by the bagfulls, and if you know of a kid who might benefit from a little imaginative, often-silly storytelling, I encourage you to go through your collections and pass along the wonder.

Okay, climbing down from the soapbox. See what happens when I have a long weekend?

The year was 1975, and I was a sucker for Super-Team Family. It was an anthology book! And it had weird team-ups in it (the Creeper and Wildcat pairing from the second issue is one of the greatest things to come from the Bronze Age), varying from one issue to the next! How could I not plunk down one thin dime and two thick quarters each month?

It was in the first issue where I read the most inconsequential cross-over from the Golden Age:

Yup. The Golden Age Green Arrow and the Golden Age Aquaman met each other for one panel. That was pretty much the extent of it. They shook hands after swapping hunting grounds. Pulse-pounding stuff, don't you think?

That was pretty much on par for what you could expect from characters that were only surviving because they were back-up features in Adventure Comics in the late 50's and early 60's, which in turn was making it only because Superboy was the flagship character, and he was pretty popular at the time with boys who were afraid to talk to a real-live girl.

But even with low expectations, a lot bugged me about this team-up. The gist was that a Green Arrow bad guy who only showed up once before that I can recall was committing crimes under water, and an Aquaman bad guy was committing crimes on dry land. I can understand the Wizard's logic to retreating under-water, but Shark's decision to go to dry land where everyone this side of the Red Bee could kick your ass didn't seem like such a great idea.

But, hey, that was his decision. So, we just send Aquaman to go after the Wizard and Green Arrow to put a few pointy ones into Shark, right? No, that would be too easy:

Okay, I'm pretty sure that Shark had only fought Aquaman once before, so I hardly think Arthur was the only one capable of catching him, particularly when you consider that Shark had given himself a tremendous disadvantage by going to dry land. Why they put it all on Aquaman, who wasn't even capable of carrying on a simple conversation while half of him was in the ocean that day, I didn't understand. Even at age 7.

This didn't come from that particular story, but I'm trying to show just how limited Arthur was back in the day. Captain Marvel? He was the World's Mightest Mortal. Superman? He was the Man of Tomorrow. Aquaman? He was "watery."

But no one listens to me, ever. So, Aquaman goes up top to cause major floods so he can be relatively competent by Aquaman standards, and Green Arrow goes scuba-diving. Oh, and apparently develops latent telepathic powers:

What the frick was that? Seriously, folks, when did Oliver get the ability to communicate with an octopus? I was willing to suspend my disbelief as much as the next 7 year-old boy, but come on! You've got to give me something to work with here.

So, the next time you find yourself cringing at the reboot going on at Amazing Spider-Man, just remember what I had back in the day: Green Arrow mentally communicating with an octopus.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

More Super-Celebrity Thursday!

Whew! I don't know where I would have been without contributor sPat this week! Sadly, there will be no post tomorrow because I will be out of the office, but here's a few more celebrity sightings to get you through the weekend!

Yeah, if you can't trust the President of the United States, who can you trust? That's so cute. And sad.

I'm not totally sure who this guy is supposed to be, but I can't say much for his peripheral vision. Um.... I'm right over here, President Moro! If I could just get you to.... I don't know... turn your head a little to the left, you might notice me standing here in blue tights and bright red cape. No? Okay. Maybe later.

So, Big Blue found himself a little religion, did he? That's nice. I think you should all be very impressed I didn't Photoshop George W's head onto Satan's body.

But I'm certainly not telling foldedsoup he can't do it!

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Super-Celebrity Scandal Wednesday!

Hey, hey! Thanks to contributor sPat, we scoop on the downward spiral everyone's favorite boy wizard took after the last book was printed:

Wow... I've never read any of the Harry Potter books, but it looks to me like he's really let himself go. Not that I'm one to talk. But, he really has....


Hasn't Black Adam killed Jimmy Olsen yet? And if not, why not?

Hey, hey! Big Blue finally committed to his "longtime companion!" That's just great!

All right, you little pervs, it doesn't have to mean what you're thinking it means. Two men can be good friends without...

..... um, without being....

what was I saying?

Oh, yeah. Just because a guy lives with another guy and visits Gay City doesn't mean...

Okay, I give up. Be out and proud, big guy!