Friday, November 30, 2007

Mr. Thunder "Gets It."

I've always admired how villains could always tell a new hero's theme at first glance. I mean, it's easier nowadays to tell that Batman is a Bat and why the guy with the big white skull on his chest shooting a bazooka at you calls himself "The Punisher." But I especially admire Mr. Thunder.

I would not have figured out the bullet theme so quickly. Seriously, look at that phallic helmet. I would have been like, "Egad! It's the Human.... um, Dildo?"

Don't act like you don't see it.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Adventure Comics' 250th Issue Craptacular!

So, I've forced myself through about 250 issues of Adventure Comics and the Legion has only appeared once. It appears I've got many miles to go before they become a regular fixture. Had I known this, I might have taken a cyanide suicide pill around 150 issues ago, but we're too far along to quit now! Certainly not with deliciously awful Superboy solo tales like that of Adventure Comics Number 250.

Now, you'd think that at a milestone like that, there would be hoopla. Well, there wasn't much. They didn't even make a stink about it on the cover, which is interesting, because you know that never would have flown with Stan Lee.

It seems like Mr. Future Man could have saved us a lot of grief if he'd said "Lorac is disguised as LANA LANG!" A little less verbosity and a few more proper nouns could have saved everyone a lot of stress. "Lorac is disguised as one of your friends or neighbors?" Seriously, what the hell is that? Why did he have to be so cryptic?

But, stupid as this story was, it did make me do a little research. Cobalt doesn't explode, folks. At its most menacing, it's an isotope. Big mushroom clouds like they're showing there? Not so much.

I'll call the store and order a television.... wait a second, I'm a sole proprietor. There's no one there to answer the phone! Dang!


Bonus - The Coolest Name Ever

Forest G. Knuckles is a real person.

I don't know him, but he has the coolest name ever. Willard Scott wished him a happy birthday on The Today Show this morning, which means he's over 100 years old. Want to know why he's over 100 years old? Because no one, not even the Grim Reaper himself, jacks with Forest G. Knuckles.

Like it or not, humans are a stupid lot, and we evaluate people based on unimportant things like appearance and impressions rather than character. One of those things that gives an impression is one's own name. Think about it. Rockefeller = wealthy, Cronkite = honest, Bush = the worst thing to happen to America in 40 years.

Pick out a page in the phone book and read down the list of names. If you had to face any one of those people in hand-to-hand combat or a guy named Forest G. Knuckles, who would you pick? You'd go with whoever isn't going through life carrying a badass name like Forest G. Knuckles.

So, happy birthday, Forrest G. Knuckles! You have the greatest name ever!

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Self-Awareness Wednesday!

Okay, check this out:

This, of course, is a much different Green Arrow than I've been making fun of the past few months. For the non-comic fan readers of this site, Green Arrow was one of the first heroes to get a makeover, going from the generic millionaire Batman rip-off we've been making fun of here to a rebellious, bankrupt, womanizing malcontent.

And, since I was born around the time he was retooled, I've always like Green Arrow. He was a rebel before Wolverine made it cliche, in that his "bite me" attitude came from a desire to change society for the better, to help the truly disadvantaged, etc.

That being said, this made no sense to me:

Oliver wipes out a bunch of Yazuka mobsters with a semi-automatic gun, then throws the gun down in disgust and picks up the arrows. Now, mind you, the boxing glove arrows and such were no longer used. By this point, Ollie used arrows with which you kill things.

I hate to be picky, but dead is dead. Ever since The Longbow Hunters in the mid-1980's, Ollie hasn't been shy about putting a shaft where it would do the most good. Or, as we see here, snapping someone's neck and tossing them headfirst over a stairwell:

I'm just not seeing the moral inferiority in using the gun as opposed to these other methods. If I'm going to buy the farm, I'm all in favor of quick. I don't see an arrow as being any less painful or more humane.

What am I missing? Besides the horror when you realize that you have ruined your own ballpark with your own littering!:

and that's just one step away from:

See? See what I did there?

Self-inventory is a painful process. I prefer to avoid doing it myself by pointing out the flaws in others.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Ain't Gonna Be No Trial Tuesday!

So he's locking Clark up because he doesn't have any money? Um.... Sheriff, is there a basis for stopping Clark and searching him, much less arresting him?

Sadly, there are Judges I know that would say this was perfectly okay. Just in case you're wondering - IT ISN'T! Not even in 1950's Kansas!

I guess we shouldn't feel too badly for Clark. Booking procedures? Never heard of 'em.

Hey, Superboy! Don't I at least get a phone call?

Get into that empty cell, you!

Aren't you going to tell the deputies I'm here so they'll set an arraignment before a magistrate as provided by the Constitution of the State of Kansas?

What did I just say about getting into that cell?


You know, if someone gets past the safe, I don't think you can rely on the sign to save the day, know what I mean?

Ah! At last! I've found the Arrowcave and cracked the code to the Arrowsafe!

But, Boss! Look!

What? Curses! A sign! Signed by Green Arrow himself! Alright, everyone! Put the stuff back. *grumble grumble gripe gripe*

Monday, November 26, 2007

Thanksgiving Retrospective Monday

Oh, my lovelies, it is positively wonderful to be back! I hope those of you that celebrated the Thanksgiving holiday had a great one. I got to see the nieces and nephews on both sides of my family (ranging from age 4 to 21), and it warmed the cockles of my heart to see what compassionate, kind-hearted people they were becoming. I had nothing to do with it, but it still made my heart swell with joy. I love each and every one of 'em as if they were my own.

But enough of that. Here's a picture of Pa Kent tossing a photo of his adopted son into a blazing fire:

I love the unnecessary exposition taking place here with Pa Kent. My nephew, Freddy Kent, is coming tomorrow, Martha! He 's the boy we're adopting! I realize this is for our benefit, but what an awkward recap.

Then again, old people talk strangely sometimes. Hand me my sweater! That's the sweater I wear when I'm cold! I bought it at Montgomery Ward's! They used to have a soda fountain where you could get a green river fizz!


We don't believe in sloppy sentimentality here in the mid-west. If your sister marries someone your family likes better, you're pretty much out luck!
(I keed, I keed.... I love my bro-in-law to pieces).

A jetstream emitted behind it that kills the person who loaded it? Sounds like the hazards my Beloved faces when she throws me my dinner on Taco Night! Better get a running start, sweetie! I feel the emissions a'comin'!

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Challenging Tuesday

Well..... CAN you? In the name of all that's good and pure, can you think of why Superboy has that "orgasm gone wrong" expression on his face?

Fantastic arrows, you say? I know that even color television was cause to throw a block party back in the 1950's, but if that's what you consider fantastic, you have a very low threshold for excitement....

Monday, November 19, 2007

The Future's so Bright, pt.3

As we bid a last hurrah to the Legion's first appearance (and eagerly await their return), let's also celebrate the first blogversary of Comics Make No Sense! Yes, November 17th of last year was the first day I thought I'd post something and see if anyone would read it. One year and more than 45,000 hits later, here we are!

When last we left, Superboy was about to get jumped in to the Legion. That's right - it's "blood in, blood out" when you're talking about the Legion, baby! Note that Brainiac 5 over there in the bottom right corner had the good sense to stay out of this story as much as possible.

Eeeeew... Superboy lost to a girl! Women have come a long way by the 30th Century, I see.

Meanwhile, back in the 1950's, people are still so worried about the Commies that they don't notice when someone has replaced themselves with a large blow-up doll. How did we win the Cold War, anyway?

Well, it's been a great year, with hopefully many more to come. Thanks so much to everyone who reads CMNS, especially those who take the time to comment. I have a lot of fun doing this blog, and I sincerely appreciate you sharing the joy with me. Here's to the first of many groan-inducing, Sue Richards-smacking years!

Attaboy, Reed! Way to get in the spirit!

Thursday, November 15, 2007

The Future's so Bright, pt. 2

You aren't going to believe this, but Friday is another holiday. Yup, Oklahoma turns 100 or something. All I know is, the Powers that Be said I didn't have to come to work, so I'm not. I really don't have to know why.

But you didn't think we could contain snarky comments about Superboy's first adventure with the Legion in just one day, did you? *snort!*

I can't seem to get past this horrible teacher. I mean, it's bad enough that he shriveled like a raisin the first time his visual aid failed in yesterday's post. But now that he's overcome that obstacle, what lesson were the kids supposed to take away from this? I mean, you aren't going to be much of a force in the job market just because you can put "I know that Superboy was able to melt things by staring at them. Somehow," on your resume.

*sigh*.... but he'll be marching on the capitol steps for another pay raise as soon as that bell rings. Just watch.

I may be overthinking it, but how do you know when an invisible eagle has escaped?

I'd be the smart-ass employee who tells his boss, "No, it's still there. It's just invisible." It's amazing I'm able to hold down a job at all.

Wow, that's a high-tech sign the Legion has on their headquarters, isn't it? Cardboard and magic marker and everything. I guess that's so their little arm patches don't look even worse by comparison.

See you Monday!

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

The Future's so Bright . . . .

I'm a little late with today's post, but I don't care, because today is the bestest day ever!

Yes, I have finally read through my huge collection of Adventure Comics to get to the holy grail of comic silliness, the Legion of Super-Heroes.

Savor it with me. Check out the full name on the costumes. Apparently in the future, no one uses insignias or emblems. Or, it could be because the Legion got so freakin' huge in later years, it was just easier that way. Nothing more embarrassing than thinking you're summoning Mon-El and getting Matter-Eater Lad.

That is quite a majestic logo you've got there, kids. Apparently the designers of the future see the beauty in Times New Roman font!

This is the worst teacher ever. You know, I don't have my teaching license or anything, but try this: "Okay, kids, the robot's broken, but take my word for it. Superboy used to melt stuff with his X-ray vision. Any questions? No? Good, let's move on...."

This is why I think teachers are overpaid. Yeah, I said it!

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Glass House Tuesday!

I know it's going to take a minute, but read this:

Am I to understand we are criticizing color jobs?

Look at that page. Is it just me, or does it look like your 3 year-old niece colored that page?

And we're criticizing the color job the counterfeiter did?

Do you think they did that on purpose?


On a totally unrelated note:

I sure hope that's a rake handle Clark is holding.

Because it looks like a penis.

A tremendously oversized penis. (hi, Googlers!)

Don't act like you don't see it.

Friday, November 9, 2007

Boring Administrative Note

Dear Ones,

Monday is Veteran's Day in the United States, so I will not be posting again until Tuesday. Have a great weekend!

If I can talk shop for a minute, I've been using Comic Collector Live's comic book organizer, and it rocks! It's not difficult to operate, and it's totally free. I've been known to buy something only to find out I already had one, so it's nice to get a database program that will keep tabs on everything. Check it out here. And no, I didn't get paid for saying it. I just came upon it and I thought it was worth sharing (and you can't argue with free)!

Anyway, enjoy today's post below and I'll see you on Tuesday!


Gift-Laden Friday!

Even though Thanksgiving hasn't hit yet, that hasn't stopped your local greedy holiday-spirited merchants from pushing Christmas on us already. And why not? It's never too early to celebrate buying people stuff they really don't need love.

Despite what you're seeing here, never let your Local Comic Shop Guy (even Mike Sterling) tell you what to buy your wife as an anniversary present. While Beloved wouldn't be totally surprised if I came home with a clock that shot projectiles into the wall on an hourly basis, I don't think she'd be as delighted as June Cleaver there.

Put your money back in your pockets, kids. I checked, and it ain't a real cannon. If someone were to put a cannon under my Christmas tree, I'd be completely stoked! Then I'd teach the neighborhood kids to stay in their own yard!

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Shark-Laden Thursday!

Anyone not hoping the shark chomps down on his head?

That's what I thought.

And so, the Young Republicans Party had a new spokesman....

Shenanigans! Does everyone in comics have the same blood type, or did it not matter if your blood wasn't the same type back in the 50's? For that matter, shouldn't you get a transfusion from someone who wasn't half ocean mammal? And who has the equipment for a transfusion on board a small boat? Arrrrrgh! Sometimes these stories can be so dumb!

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Obnoxious Wednesday!

Nice try, DC.

You remember in the 90's, when they kept trying to convince us Tea Leoni was this incredibly sexy and hilarious lady? I mean, they tried sitcom after sitcom, re-tooling sitcoms, movies, etc., and they just couldn't trick us into thinking she had star quality (because she didn't). The same goes with Starman here.

Look at him. He's got the Big Two elevating him, letting you know that even they submit to his sheer awesomeness. He's so popular, poor Hawkman can't even find a place to land. That's how awesome this guy was supposed to be.

Boy, did he suck. Of course, with that kind of build-up, I was rooting for it to fail. Beloved says I tend to do that when I feel like Madison Avenue is trying to cram something down my throat.

Whatever. Kill him, Spectre! Unleash the Holy Judgment upon the infidel, banish him into the Hall of Shame where he belongs, and make way for Jack Knight!

I've cut Allergy a lot of slack, but this is ridiculous. Are there no mirrors in Allergy's house? It seems to me like Allergy might want to make any friend he can at that age, because by the time he hits high school, guys like Bob are going to be sticking his cowlicked, short-pants-and-oversized-bowtie-wearing, bucktoothed head in a flushing toilet.

Yeah, Ollie, what makes that golden shaft of yours stay in place? Or should I ask Dinah?

Eh, we all know the answer - insert your favorite Viagra joke in the comments!

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Green Arrow, Survivor

Sure, Oliver was a genius with the gadgets. But life wasn't always easy, even in the Golden Age.

Green Arrow, the first superhero with ADD. Where's that Ritalin Arrow when you need it?

Wow.... Oliver never could manage his finances, could he? I mean, we all know about his bankruptcy in the 1960's, but this shows he was floating checks long before it was hip.

But he does have the Greatest Caption Box in the History of Recorded Literature. I don't know what a small shaft has to do with one's hearing, but I'll bet what you're thinking is a lot more entertaining than the real story.

Monday, November 5, 2007

Educational Crisis Monday!

Is that assignment really going help kids get into college? I mean, will it really? Or has the teacher just resigned herself to the fact that she's got a room full of hayseeds and is just keeping herself entertained until June?

To give our son a special education....

I knew it! Thanks to advanced Krypton science, they could tell at infancy which children would grow up to be dullards....

I might have left the "rubber arrow" alone had it not been so dang phallic...

Friday, November 2, 2007

The Moral Decay of Pa Kent

It's always the guy you'd least suspect, isn't it?

Here, we see that it's not entirely Pa's fault. Ma shouldn't leave those things lying around. I mean, there's a time and place for everything, and that place is your nightstand or hidden in your underwear drawer. Sadly, this careless act by Ma apparently awakened a side of Pa Kent no one knew about.

Yeah, that's what I'm doing with all the friction I'm creating near my crotch! Why am I dressing like my son? No reason.

But Superboy, like the rest of us, is only too happy to overlook his father's boners. If he's anything like me, he likes to pretend that none of his ancestors were biologically capable of sexual arousal. My parents never had sex, and you can't tell me otherwise.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Capitalist Thursday!

Let's celebrate greed free enterprise, comic book style!

No kidding? A BB machine gun? I am shocked and outraged, and yet jealous I can't order one.

Hey, kids! Take cheesecake pics of women without their knowledge so you can use them to gratify yourself later! Get the money from your mom right now!

Micky Mantle, shill:

You know, when your last name is "Bikeless," I think that's fate's way of telling you that you were just meant to be walking.

Dick Butterfingers.... I would so be pals with Dick Butterfingers, for no other reason than I could tell people, "Well, as my good friend Dick Butterfingers would say..."

That would be awesome. I may just start telling people I have a good friend named Dick Butterfingers, even though I really don't.