Superman: A Disappointment of Olympian Proportions

The Olympics are coming, aren't they?  Sports really aren't my thing.  But I'm pretty sure they are, and it's going to mess up regular tv for what will seem like months, so let's celebrate with watching Superman stink up the Inter-Planetary Olympics:

Oh, man... if you only knew Sharn of Planet Iwo's track record, you would know that Superham just got served, y'all!

I never get tired of seeing Superham fail, so let's check it out on instant replay:

Meanwhile, in Action Comics #223, look at what I found!

The bending machine?  An early model of:

That... is a strange coinkydink.

Meanwhile, here's some Fun with Out of Context Artwork (tm!) courtesy of Robert Gillis!

It's the sweaty fear on Archie's face that makes me think this is going to play like a scene out of Pulp Fiction.  

Awesome stuff, Robert!  Thanks!

See you Monday!

Take It Instead of Dishing It Out, Big Boy!

It's the last issue I have of Startling Comics, but it's safe to say that issue #35 was perhaps the greatest single copy of a comic ever to see the light of day.

Why?

Well, we start out with Pyroman fighting an octopus:

I KNOW!

And you're probably thinking we should just stop there, because anything after that would only be a disappointment, right?

Well, my cynical friend, that's a fair guess, but in this case you would be wrong because...

No, silly woman!  He's trying to SING!  Let's help him out!

YEAH!

Spider-Men, Spider-Men, doing whatever the Spider-Men... ken.

Eh, close enough.

Fight 'em, Captain Future!  Earn my 1940's dime!

BOOYAH!

But here's what I don't understand about Captain Future:

Okay.  Bulletproof.  Got it.

But not five pages earlier:

So, if you ever find yourself in mortal combat with Captain Future (and don't say it'll never happen, because there are no certainties in life), just smack him with the gun rather than fire it at him.

Turns out there was a reason Superman always dodged that thrown gun in the old George Reeves TV series.

Anyhoo.... 

 

Y'know, it seems like a horde of giant spiders would terrorize the populace whether they had human heads or not.  That seems like a lot of effort putting masks on gigantic spider for no reason.

And then.... yes, I know you can barely come up for air but we're not finished, the Oracle (no relation to the DC character) encounters...

... well, I'll just let him tell you: 

YEAH!  GIANT HORNED TOADS!

GIANT HORNED TOADS!

Wow!  I can hardly take it!  Let's check in on Don Davis, Espionage Ace!

Oh, man.  Way to kill the momentum, Don.

Well, it's all about getting back up, Don.  You're kind of an inspiration that way.

See you tomorrow!

NNNNYYYAAAAA!

I had to snag the cover of this issue of Pep Comics from the good folks at Comics.org, so thanks to them for this:

It's pretty telling that the spotlight is on Arch and Jughead while the Shield and the Hangman are standing there in the dark deluding themselves into thinking that they aren't going to become little more than comic book trivia in the near future.

Meanwhile, let's start a new meme I like to call Guess Who THIS Is? (tm!)

Yup... it's an early appearance of a very well-known character.  Got any ideas?

I've really been having a problem with those tricky back-stabbing jungle fighters!  They get me every time!  If only someone knew of  a constructive way to deal with them!  Then again, I'd probably need about 150 slow-motion pictures of guys in wrestling trunks to even begin to wrap my brain around the concept.

YAY!  Thanks, comics!  You've saved the day again!

See you tomorrow!

Strongman, Scourge of the Underworld... No, Not THAT Scourge!

Well, now I understand.

You see, I had read Strongman's exploits out of order and I clearly didn't understand just how plausible his origin is.

But now that I've read Crash Comics #1, I have seen the proverbial light.

You see, he's been able to do all those leaps over buildings and surviving explosions and whatnot (while being the world's most perfect man, I might add), through yoga.

But it ain't just any yoga....

... it's secret yoga.  

Now I get it!  Here I thought he was just doing all that stretching and chanting and whatnot, but he was doing something that's a secret.

Eeesh.

Moving on....

Suddenly! (tm!)

Here's an unusual job perk:

I don't recall anyone ever promising me that I wouldn't be molested at work, and to be honest, I never thought to negotiate that into my terms of employment.  I appear to have dodged some sort of figurative bullet thus far.

See you tomorrow!

You Can't Call My Dad the Blimp Man!

Let's finish off the week with a few random panels, starting with this one from Starling Comics #40:

Granted, it has been a while since the days when Adam would take the stage and dazzle you with his thespian talents, but it seems like "putting up a show of resistance" would involve a bit more... enthusiasm?  He looks like Charlie Brown after checking the mailbox on Valentine's Day.

Moving on to this soon-to-be classic bit of Fun with Out of Context Dialogue (tm!) from Pep Comics #41:

Marriage counselling was something of a challenge for Fred.  

*********************

Finally, check out this twist on the old "I Can Make a He-Man Out of You" ads from Crash Comics #1:

Wait for it... wait for it...

What could it be?  Exercise equipment?  A book on dieting? A yoga mat?

Nope!  A MAN GIRDLE!

I would remind you that I do not Photoshop dialog into panels.  This is exactly how they played out.  My favorite part is the grunting he does as he hoists and tugs his gut into the corset. UH! UHM!

Not that I couldn't use one myself.  I likes me food.  But I suck in my gut because I'm a man, and that's what a real man does!  USA! USA!

See you Monday, kids!

Superman, You Stingy, Self-Seeking, Money-Mad Miser! Part Two!

Just to torture myself, I decide to check out Action Comics #219:

These days, we'd call Supes "thrifty," but apparently hanging onto your money was a terrible thing to do back in the day.

Anyway, after much ballyhoo (SPOILER ALERT), we learn why Supes was amassing a big stash of loot:

Get it?  He was trying to bring a crook out of hiding by tempting him with a super-sized treasure trove.  Pretty good plot.  I enjoyed it just as much when Supes did the exact same thing in Action Comics #176.  I realize that they probably didn't think that they'd have the same readers in 40 issues, but that's pretty dang lazy.  Then again, there's only so much you can do with a protagonist that powerful.

But, still.

Moving onto Green Lantern #32, we see yet another lowlight in the already-pitiful history of the Golden Age Green Lantern.

I give you, Alan getting clobbered by...

.... The Juggler: 

Yes.  The Juggler.  The man has a ring that can literally create a Sherman tank, and he was taken to Whippedville by a man with even less threatening than Batroc the Leaper.

And, of course, he ends up in a slot machine deathtrap:

Yeah!  SLOT MACHINE DEATHTRAP!

Enough of that.  Time for a CMNS Moment... of Comic Book Greatness! (tm!)

You certainly are!

This has been a CMNS Moment... of Comic Book Greatness! (tm!)

See you tomorrow!

Fear the New Coat of the Chameleon!

Finishing up Crash Comics #5, I found this little tidbit in the Blue Streak story:

Except.... say it with me, kids!

That Doesn't Work That Way! (tm!)

Carbon monoxide, according to the Center for Disease Control (the place you run to when the zombie apocalypse hits), carbon monoxide is an odorless, colorless gas.  Sooooo....

That Doesn't Work That Way! (tm!)

It's also dangerously misleading, because someone who gets most of their information from comics (like me, although I also like to get my news from E's The Soup), will think that a carbon monoxide detector isn't necessary because... well, if you don't smell it, you're fine.  Right?  Wrong!

Seriously... if you don't have a carbon monoxide detector, go get one.  They're very cheap and people die from that sort of thing.

Meanwhile, on to Target Comics volume 4 number 6, which tells me modern comics didn't actually invent the confusing method of numbering issues... they just do it a lot.  I completely gave up trying to complete past collections simply because I didn't know which issue went with which version of a given title.

Anyhoo, this issue has a couple of characters I'd never heard of before, like Air Force Cadet whose name was...

... oh, eesh.  Really?

Al T. Tude.

Names that are puns cost us all our dignity.  Although I will say that I had incorrectly thought "Tude" wasn't a true last name.  Well, sure enough, there it is.  There are people out there with the last name of "Tude," so maybe some sadistic parent actually gave their kid that name.  And if your name is Al T. Tude, I guess you are either going to be in the Air Force or you're going to be washing window on high-rise buildings.

Did I just talk myself into thinking that this character's name is okay?  I think I did.  I just may be the biggest nerd ever.

Meanwhile, here's a look at the Chameleon, not to be confused with the Spider-Man / Daredevil foe of the same name:

You see, he would baffle the Nazis by...

well, by changing his clothes:

Hmmmmm... I had thought you might be the Chameleon, but when I saw him earlier, he was wearing a hat and no coat.  So there's no way you could be him.  Move along.

As the story progressed, he would rely on being very loud and over-the-top as a way of making people uncomfortable enough to humor him.  So, he was the WWII version of Robin Williams, and every bit as entertaining.  Which is to say, not at all.

See you tomorrow!

REVOLUTION! Because Skipping Dessert is Not an Option!

Continuing our look at Crash Comics #5, let's check out the Cat Man story:

Okay, so he's reading about a problem that has the Secret Service baffled, and does what anyone would do:

Yes, he just walks into the Secret Service Headquarters and seems to get deputized.  Instantly.  Now, I don't know what the rules were back then, but I've applied for a Federal job or two and I can tell you that it takes a lot more than that.  But I love this scene.  "Yes, stranger, despite your complete lack of credentials and no security clearance, you have the full weight of the United States Secret Service behind you!"

It appears that we can learn to speak tiger.  Sad but true: As a child, I would have totally tried this out with my housecat.

Oh, and he dies again:

There was some kind of ray that froze your blood in your veins.  And actually, that's kinda bitchin'.

But I would note that they are keeping score of his deaths, reminding us that he was down to 8 lives after dying in the previous story.  So, I can presume Cat Man didn't have more than 10 appearances.  We'll see how that turned out.

Meanwhile, let's check out a CMNS Moment... of Comic Book Greatness! (tm!)

This has been a CMNS Moment... of Comic Book Greatness! (tm!)

See you tomorrow!

Strongman's Powerful Thrust

Administrative Note: Monday is a holiday, so we'll be back Tuesday, January 21st for more hijinks!

I realize that I'm way too fascinated with the character of Strongman, but I'm just amazed at the powers they gave this guy, this time in Crash Comics #5:

Like tank-tossing:

Repelling gas attacks with his own breath:

Smacking away bombs dropped by airplanes:

And my personal favorite, throwing himself onto detonating dynamite and surviving:

And how does he accomplish this? Magic?  Is he an alien?

No, my friends.  Yoga.

It's like the writers were figuring no one would remember his origin, so why even bother trying to stick to it?  These days, at least they'd have the courtesy to ret-con or reboot the character.  But nope.  He's a yoga enthusiast who can apparently go toe-to-toe with Superman or Captain Marvel.  Shouldn't he be more at Batman level, at best?

Yes, I know.  I'm over-thinking it.  Let's check in on Don Davis, Espionage Ace at Startling Comics #39!

We seem to have caught Don at a very bad time.  Again.

Oh, well.  See you Monday!