Friday, December 28, 2007

2007 End-of-the-Year Craptacular!

Wow, where did 2007 go? As I get older, the years get shorter. But that's okay, because it gives me an excuse to talk about the Year that Was!

Yes, I know I'm a sconce early, but I'm going to be off until Wednesday, so there you go.

Best comic I read in 2007? H-E-R-O:

Yes, I know it wasn't written in 2007, but that's when I read it. I read the series as a whole (about 24 issues or so), and if you haven't read it, you're missing out.

Character I thought I Liked but Discovered in 2007 I Really Don't? The 3-D Man:

I don't know why I thought he was cool when I was twelve. No, that's not true. I liked the freaky costume. But I re-read the Marvel Premiere issues he was in, and almost lost consciousness.

Best New Television Show of 2007? Reaper:

If you read comics but aren't watching Reaper, turn in your Comic Book Nerd Membership Card. A home improvement warehouse employee learns that his parents sold his soul to the Devil as a child, and he's obliged to round up souls that escaped from Hell. How can you not watch that? Brilliant stuff.

Best Comic Book Movie? Spider-Man 3:

Yeah, I know. It was hyped to death, but it delivered the goods. Ghost Rider and Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer weren't bad, either.

Most Unsettling Picture of a Cute Bear About to Blow a Lion's Brains Out? Right 'chere:

Have a safe and happy holiday, everybody!

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Fake ID Thursday!

Let me get this straight.... the ID badge is a playing card?

Seriously.... a playing card?

Well, that's a high level of security the gang has there, isn't it? No way to get your mitts on one of their top-secret ID cards! Unless, of course, you happened to buy a pack of playing cards.....

That's right up there with having "Shave and a haircut" as your secret knock....

I've asked it before, and I'll ask it again.

Where the heck do these pictures come from? Especially the Dial "H" for Hero guys? They exist for maybe four hours, tops. Where did they find the time to get a Glamour Shot taken?

Another child lost to over sized kite-flying. When will people learn? Dammit, WHEN WILL THEY LEARN? HOW MANY MORE HAVE TO DIE?

Sorry... it's been a long day, and that made me giggle.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Happy Holidays from Titano!

This is one of the most awesome out-of-context panels ever. I feel like I should be calling Adult Protective Services for Ma and Pa Kent.

Boy, I hope no one robs this armored car!

Don't worry, Dad! This armored car hasn't been robbed yet!

Can anyone guess what happened next? eeesh.

Nothing says "God Bless Us Every One" like a giant gorilla who shoots kryptonite rays out of his eyes while squishing Lois Lane.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Marvel's Yuletide Gift to YOU!

Dear Ones,

This will be a scheduled hiatus for the Christmas holidays, as opposed to that unscheduled mess that happened last week. I will be resuming posts on December 26th.

Please accept my best wishes to you and your families for a happy and safe holiday season! Meanwhile, here is "Marvel's Yuletide Gift to YOU!":

That'll be a buck and half. Enjoy your gift, true believers!

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Thursday without Shame!

I know they didn't mean this to be, but this is one of the most racist things I've ever read.

Let me set it up for you. Superboy and Clark Kent are split into two people by red kryptonite, just like in Superman III (yes, Hollywood will even recycle bad ideas). To hide from his evil alter-ego, Superboy tries to set up a new secret identity:

So, naturally, he decides to blend in with the local Native American tribe. A tribe who seems to think it's Native American Celebration Week year 'round:

It shame me never learn to speak properly, but everyone know that Native American biologically incapable of losing accent that make us sound like Bizarro!

Yes, me have so many children, one more not noticed! After all, my people have nothing better to do than procreate and drink fire water! You got-um any fire water?

They'll have to let me take weapons into school if I tell them it's part of tribal law!

Okay, #1, no school in the United States is going to let a child tote weapons in, tribal law or not. And #2, even if the school is run by overly-sensitive, politically-correct morons, wouldn't they require some type of authentication that it is a tribal law? I mean, that's a ticket to get out of anything. Me no can have homework, teacher! It tribal law! Me can not run laps, Coach! It tribal law! You have to let me shower with cheerleaders! It tribal law!

Shenanigans! No way will that work!

Well, Jumpin' Jimmy Swaggart on a pogo stick! There he is! They wouldn't let kids wear jeans to school in those days, but there's a bare-chested Native American kid with a quiver full of sharp projectile weapons!

This is why I never understood the educational system....

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Costume Hall of Fame: Villains who Dress Like their Enemies

Ever since I was a little tyke, I have had a special fondness for bad guys who dress like the heroes they fight. I mean, what's more disrespectful than wearing your enemy's trademark design, only screwing with the colors? Only a true badass can do that and get away with it!

I never really understood why the Composite Superman made his skin green, but he made himself an abomination of the Big Two so you just knew he could (and did) cause them major problems. If Superman had more bad guys like the Composite Superman, a Superman story might be interesting every once in a while....

The first bad guy who I can remember making the ultimate fashion statement is Professor Zoom. I mean, up above you have the Flash. Down below, we have the exact opposite colors, right down to the circle that supports the chest insignia. How could he help but be Flash's greatest adversary?

And yes, I count the current version of Zoom as awesome. If I seem him on the cover, I must read the story. Even if it's in Wonder Woman's title...


Black Adam. So badass he doesn't even need the cape most of the time.

Sinestro has always been an interesting foe for Green Lantern, but I always wondered why, since he hated the Green Lantern Corps so much, he didn't wear a uniform that reflected that.

Then, along comes the Sinestro Corps....

..... oh yeah. That's the good stuff right there.

I remember reading a Neal Adams drawn story with a Superman and Batman Revenge Squad where Superman's foes had a costume exactly like his except a green insignia, and Batman's enemies wore a purple version of his outfit with a winged skull emblem (which I, at 10, thought was quite awesome). Who else am I forgetting?

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Dial H for Haute Couture

The power is back at my house, after eight long, cold, dark days. Whoo hoo!

This costume.... and this "Q" on my chest. Who am I?

You can give me your own guesses, but I'm going with Questionable Fashion Sense Man!

You know I love you all, dear readers, but it's finding phrases like "It's time for some quick hand work" that make blogging worthwhile.

Don't think it's dirty? Turn to the person closest to you right now, even if it's a total stranger, and say "Don't you think it's time for some quick hand work?" See what that gets you.

At long last, photographic proof that George W. Bush did indeed report for military duty in his younger days.

Monday, December 17, 2007

In Which the Blackout Continues, and My Standards Get Lower and Lower

There's still no electricity at my house. It is currently 47 degrees inside, a mere 15 degrees away from freezing. That was a mighty cold weekend. The nearest guess is tomorrow. The crews are working as hard as they can, but 8 days of no electric are starting to wear on me.

So, let's brighten the mood by taking a perfectly innocent panel out of context and turning it into something filthy:

Lana, Lana, Lana.... if you'd make him wear a super-condom and visit the Health Department every so often, you might not have those "sudden bursts of flame" down there! Sit in that bathtub and think about what you've done.

I love how Superboy is kinda proud of himself. Nothing like a little STD to keep your girl from fooling around on you!

I'll become such a nuisance, they'll throw me out of jail!

Yeah, that's how parole usually works: Dammit, Mad Dog! You've been chewing with your mouth open at mess hall, using the word "literally" when you clearly meant "figuratively" or "absolutely," and use hip-hop slang even though you're a small-town white boy! Nobody likes you! Straighten up, or I'll have to ask you to leave this jail!

A rare early appearance by the Dazzler before her sex-change operation. And, no.... that's the last name they gave the character. I'm not touching that one.

For non-comic readers: Dazzler is an awful character that came out about 20 years after this panel was printed. She was a mutant disco singer who roller-skated. I wish I were kidding.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Sue the Bastards!

Dear Ones,

Thanks to everyone for the kind thoughts as we deal with the ice storm and the subsequent blackouts. I know there are folks out there who have been through a lot worse than I, and we are certainly grateful that all those falling trees managed to miss our house. A lot of our friends and family have power restored already, so I am hoping that we'll see some electricity today. We're still concerned that a snowstorm is going to knock out a lot of the power again, but if I could even run the heat enough to get out of the 40's, I can at least get my family and hounds thawed out a bit. So, here's hoping!

Enough of that. I must post! Dammit, I must!

Don't know why I did it.... but I'm suing someone's ass for copyright infringement! Damn torrent downloaders!

By the way.... nice threads, fellas.

Gasp! I've given X-Ray vision to a juvenile delinquent!

That's nothing.... I once gave genital warts to a Taiwanese hooker.

I keed, I keed..... she was Japanese.

Yeah, I'm hoping my mom doesn't have Internet access back just yet. There are some things moms just don't want to hear, even in jest.

Does anyone besides me think it looks like Superboy just rendered Jimmy sterile? Then again, that's probably not a bad policy for juvies.....

That's some might rough juvenile justice there in Kansas. So, you can yank a kid away from his family and lock him up without any due process whatsoever? Are we sure Smallville wasn't really in Texas?

Although "Special Case" Jimmy seems pretty okay with the whole thing. Maybe I should just butt out. If he doesn't care, I suppose I don't.

Ah..... much better. Thanks again, everyone! See you Monday!

Thursday, December 13, 2007

What Happened to CMNS?

Yes, I know I haven't posted in almost a week. Sorry about that.

You may have been part of the 19 States that experienced one variation or another of the ice storm. Oklahoma, according to news reports, was hit the hardest. I believe that, and I'm glad no one else got it as badly as we did.

I woke up very early Monday morning and noticed the clock radio was off. I figured we had a blackout, but I had no idea of the magnitude. Long story short - you remember in that awful Batman and Robin movie where Ah-nuld Schwarzenegger was trying to freeze Gotham City? His aim was apparently a little off.

Oklahoma got the worst end of a massive ice storm and I was knocked off the grid with no power or phone lines. I don't know what the long-term situation is going to be like - I still have no power at home, but I am able to get through here at work, so regular postings should begin again tomorrow.

I won't dwell on it, but this has been an awful week. Hopefully, things will improve and the snow storm expected this weekend won't knock us out of communication again.

See you tomorrow with more funny!


Friday, December 7, 2007

More on That Stupid Clock

You don't understand, Superboy! I must destroy it, because Pluto is no longer considered a planet! It's a star! Or something! I don't know, I wasn't paying that much attention! All I know is that your clock is scientifically inaccurate, and as such, it is UGLY! And so it must DIE! AIIIIIIEEEEEEE!

I should have been writing comics back in the day. At least the dialogue.

Yup, kids! Drive your very own American tank! Perfect for defending freedom and liberty from weapons of mass destruction (both real and imagined by Dubya) and commies!

No, wait.... we aren't afraid of the commies any more, are we? Who are we scared of now? Oh, yeah. Take two:

Yup, kids! Drive your very own American tank! Perfect for defending freedom and liberty from weapons of mass destruction (both real and imagined by Dubya) and commies hom'sexuals!

My favorite part of the add is their tagline:

That's good stuff right there. Kinda dirty, but not enough to get me prosecuted. Right in the old "gray area," that's where we like it.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Busy Hands Thursday!

Just gonna dump that crumbling building into the ocean, you say?

Superboy - eco warrior. And king-size douche.

Normally, I'd be telling Roy to watch what his left hand is doing, but I really don't think it's his fault. No, I blame the one who designed the Arrowcar so that both occupants practically had to wear condoms to safely ride at the same time, Oliver!

This is what I never get about Superham. A punk is destroying your prize possession? Can't you lift Manhattan Island with one hand? Why are you just standing there like a wussy?

Oh, no! That bully is destroying my property, and I'm only the most powerful creature on the planet. What to do, what to do?

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

I Miss foldedsoup

One of my own favorite blogs, The Want List, is down while foldedsoup fixes his computer. Many of my readers frequent his site, so I feel that, while no one can replace what the soup does, we've got to do something to get through these dark days.

When I first saw this cover, I thought of our friend soup. Actually, I thought, "Wouldn't it be funny if the guy with the hook inverted it and shoved it up Superboy's rectum?"

Well, of course it would. But whereas we usually rely on soup to go at it with his Photoshop skills, I was forced to do it myself:

And you know, this didn't turn out half-bad. Right up the bum!

Let's get a close-up:

No, I can't replace soup. I wouldn't even want to try. But while we wait for him to get back online, let's treasure the Smallville resident who finally shoved a stick up Superboy's ass where it belongs!

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Head-Scratchin' Tuesday!

You wonder how the people from the past will react to your gift? I know this falls in the realm of "Did Adam and Eve have navels" type of question, but if you're from the future and you send something to someone in the past, wouldn't you know how they reacted to your gift before you even sent it?

I'm overthinking it, aren't I? Yes, I probably am.

How stupid can the Commissioner be? I mean, he's got Oliver and Roy, a blonde and a redhead, standing right in front of him talking about Green Arrow and Speedy, also a blonde and a redhead. Same height, same build.... heck, same voice! Still, he can't put it together. It's great that you're personal friends with Green Arrow, Mr. Queen!

At least Bruce and Dick were smart enough to keep out of Commissioner Gordon's Office as much as possible.

Can someone tell me what the actual advice here was? I mean, it seems like all he did was define the problem, which is the first step at solving it, but it doesn't really solve it. Am I expecting too much counselling from a comic strip? I guess Dr. Phil isn't exactly a technical adviser here.

Monday, December 3, 2007

The Fabulous 50's!

Superhero titles must have been pretty rare indeed if kids were getting all jazzed about "Giantboy" and "The Mole."

What a true Midwestern Republican Pa Kent was. We'll drain our life savings for medical expenses because there's no socialized medicine, and I'm damn fine with it!

You mean there's no hope, doctor?

Well, there's hope for me. I'll be taking that life savings now. God Bless George W.!

Friday, November 30, 2007

Mr. Thunder "Gets It."

I've always admired how villains could always tell a new hero's theme at first glance. I mean, it's easier nowadays to tell that Batman is a Bat and why the guy with the big white skull on his chest shooting a bazooka at you calls himself "The Punisher." But I especially admire Mr. Thunder.

I would not have figured out the bullet theme so quickly. Seriously, look at that phallic helmet. I would have been like, "Egad! It's the Human.... um, Dildo?"

Don't act like you don't see it.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Adventure Comics' 250th Issue Craptacular!

So, I've forced myself through about 250 issues of Adventure Comics and the Legion has only appeared once. It appears I've got many miles to go before they become a regular fixture. Had I known this, I might have taken a cyanide suicide pill around 150 issues ago, but we're too far along to quit now! Certainly not with deliciously awful Superboy solo tales like that of Adventure Comics Number 250.

Now, you'd think that at a milestone like that, there would be hoopla. Well, there wasn't much. They didn't even make a stink about it on the cover, which is interesting, because you know that never would have flown with Stan Lee.

It seems like Mr. Future Man could have saved us a lot of grief if he'd said "Lorac is disguised as LANA LANG!" A little less verbosity and a few more proper nouns could have saved everyone a lot of stress. "Lorac is disguised as one of your friends or neighbors?" Seriously, what the hell is that? Why did he have to be so cryptic?

But, stupid as this story was, it did make me do a little research. Cobalt doesn't explode, folks. At its most menacing, it's an isotope. Big mushroom clouds like they're showing there? Not so much.

I'll call the store and order a television.... wait a second, I'm a sole proprietor. There's no one there to answer the phone! Dang!