Friday, December 29, 2006

Boring Administrative Note Number 3

Dear Ones,

First, enjoy today's posts. I'm laughing at my own jokes today.

President Ford's funeral is declared a holiday, so I won't have any new posts until Wednesday. Sorry.... it's out of my hands. But I put plenty of new reading online for you today to tide you over. Thanks again for reading! Have a safe holiday and I'll see you in the new year!


A Very Special Guest Star

Because you demanded it!

President John Fitzgerald Kennedy's forehead.

Wow. I wonder if they had to pay him?

Call the Fashion Police!

I never noticed that ridiculous hat!

She must have been distracted by the jacket....

I refuse to believe anyone under the age of fifty ever dressed that way.

Yer Father's Mustache!

Oh, yeah? Well, you're a regular Slappy White!

What the heck are they talking about?

Too Much Time at the Beauty Parlor

Hey, Blue-Hair! Look down past her neck! Maybe that jumpsuit with a big "4" on it will give you a clue!

She *NOT* Useless! She's NOT! (ok, maybe)

Truer words were never spoken, Vic. If Sue is running around, you can assume that everyone this side of Hoppy the Marvel Bunny is up and kicking.

After the first year or so of the Fantastic Four, it was pretty apparent that Smilin' Stan Lee had created one of the most pathetic characters ever. Sue was getting taken hostage every other issue and, as you can see in previous posts, she just wasn't amounting to much.

Stan was trying everything. He would go from having Sue sneaking up on Dr. Doom and whomping on him with a vase to coming right out and saying she was a token female then to this:

Yup. Sue Storm is now slapping the taste out of Dr. Doom's mouth in hand-to-hand combat. Even Spider-Man never pulled that one off, but there twenty-something nonpowered Sue is, cracking open a six-pack of whoop-ass. After all, Reed is suddenly a sensai and he's taught Sue the martial arts, something that was never mentioned before or since because it's so ridiculous. The mind boggles at the thought of Reed taking judo lessons, never mind being a master at it.

Finally, you can see Stan give up:

There! She's got little fingers and she can sneak up on people! That's a power, isn't it?

The sad thing is, Stan missed an opportunity for Sue to actually be worth something. Check it out:

Okay, we have full-color, moving people. But, nope! Psyche! They weren't real at all! Johnny explains:

Stan just couldn't let go of the notion that the ability to generate flame is right up there with the ability to cast illusions. He tried it here and here, and it was stupid both times. Now, we're talking about full color, life-sized animated models of not just himself in his flaming form, but Reed and Ben as well. Give it up, Stan! I've got news for you, Daddy-O! Mirages simply do not work that way! Dig?

As long as we're stretching science, why not give that talent to Sue? We learned in Predator that invisibility can be based on light-refraction (and two of the people in that movie were elected to public office, so there must be something to it). Why not use the concept of light refraction to make someone appear in a different location than they actually are? My inner nerd seethes!
For one brief moment, let's really see Sue as she is:

Heh. I'm so tempted to make this my avitar.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

I Am Woman, pt. 2

That's right, Sue, you can clean this dump while the rest of us sit around and scratch ourselves, but you'd better do it silently!


For my Readers in College

Okay, so your professor has told you that he's grading on a bell curve and you don't know what that is? We're here to help.

Check out Sue's hair. Her hair is the shape of a perfect bell curve. That curl on the right are the highest grades in the class. That curl on the left are the lowest grades in the class. That wide expanse of forehead she's got going on? That's where most of you are going to end up.

Well, actually, if you read my column, you're probably going to end up more on the left side, but you'll have a lot more fun getting there.

Thanks to "King" Kirby for the visual aid.


Don't you hate it when they give away a key plot point on the cover that you wouldn't see coming in a million years? Sue is taken hostage this issue! Who woulda thunk???

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

The Many Layers of the Storm Kids

Sue is a compassionate gal. Her turn-ons include long walks on the beach, candlelight dinners, and spouting propoganda at caged animals.

*Sigh*..... Sue, I'd quit making fun of you if you'd at least throw a punch when you were being taken hostage AGAIN!

This is her kid brother, Johnny. And, although he can supposedly control his flame well enough to shave a guy with it, he'd rather not worry about it and just spray chemicals all over his room every day. Kind of reminds me of those old films where they showed little children dancing in DDT.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

I Am Woman

Yes, Sue, we're all in agreement that you're pretty much useless, so why don't you scoot your sweet ass into the kitchen and bring the General and me some beer and pretzels?

Harrrumph, indeed!

Not as Amazing as He's Making It Sound, pt. 2

This guy is dazzled by everything. Wow, Ms. Storm! Your super group has invented the windshield!

And while you're showing us your techno-savvy, Sue, tell me how you "flick" a button? You press a button. You flick a switch.

Arrrrgh! Idiots!

No wonder the military pays so much for toilet seats.

Why Communism Fell

Um.... I'm thinking it's because their spies carried around cards that said they were members of a subversive communist organization as if it were a Quizno's punch card.

Grammar Police

I have a degree in English, but that's not so I can nit-pick your grammar. No, it's so I can give a qualified opinion that Shakespeare is painful to read. However, there are a couple of things that just grate on my last nerves, grammar-wise.

One of them is when people say the opposite of what they mean without knowing it. My personal peeve here is when people say, "I could care less." Well, dear ones, that means you care. You are trying to say, "I couldn't care less." 'Nuff said?

The other things that really unplugs my stereo is a mixed metaphor. Now I know we're lucky the Hulk can talk at all (this is back in the days when he was more cognizant than he was through the 70's and early 80's, but not quite as well spoken as his "grey Hulk" days), but check out this mixed metaphor.

Okay, you are either trying to smash me into the ground like a nail or you are trying to squash me as flat as a pancake. If you are truly trying to smash me into the ground like a pancake..... well, let's just say I'm not having pancakes with the Hulk until we clarify this.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Boring Administrative Note Number 2

Since I will not have access to the tools of the trade, there won't be a new post until December 26th. I get a long weekend off work and won't be online much, so I hope you'll come back and join me Tuesday morning.

But be sure to scroll down and check out this morning's post and enjoy the archives!

I want to thank everyone who has been linking to this site and talking about it. After only a month of posting, I'm averaging 300-400 hits a day! I have no explanation for this, except you people must be starving for entertainment. Whatever the reason, I love you all for it. Special props to Mike Sterling, my comicspace friends, and SallyP.

I hope everyone has a happy and safe holiday season. God bless! See you Tuesday!


That Can't Be What It Looks Like, pt 1

Um..... okay. Vixen takes on animal characteristics in a way that is supposed to make us think she isn't a rip-off of Animal Man and Tigra. I get that.

But do we have to see her in this position? I have four dogs, and I know what lifting your leg near a bush means, and the "kicking behind her" motion makes me think she just did number 2.

Not sure what they were going for there, but that's what they got. I'm as aghast as Steel is.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

I Stand Corrected

For what I'm sure will not be the last time, I stand corrected. I had earlier mocked the value of Sue swinging a vase against the Skrulls. Apparently, when she gets a good warmup going, she is able to lay a smack down with an ordinary vase like she was swinging Thor's hammer:

Don't be so modest, Sue! "Hit a vulnerable spot," indeed! You gave him a ceramic bitch-slap he won't forget any time soon!

As Kirby promised, I flipped over that yarn!

I'm digging your scene, too, Johnny boy! You're the ginchiest! However, although I don't mean to harsh your mellow:

..... mirages don't work that way.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

I Don't Swim in Your Toilet....

No one is a bigger fan of the Falcon than I, but if I'm swimming with someone and they're vague about what they've been doing for the last few moments, I'm going to assume they just took a whiz in the pool.

Oh, Happy Day!

Either the Falcon (a) has a secret death wish, (b) just thought of a dirty joke or (c) isn't paying attention to what Cap is saying.  Probably all three.

Monday, December 18, 2006

Num-Nums from Fantastic Four # 9

It's not so much that he was able to lift all these guys.... what impresses me is the fact that Ben was able to gather them up into one mass like that. I would think that after adding the 14th guy to the pile, it would have become difficult to catch anyone else. Seriously, I can't grab a handful of Fritos out of the bag without dropping a few, but it's like those guys are made of velcro.

I dunno.... I guess it could be that other tribe that's immune to fire. I hear they have a little shop on West 45th.

Ok, just..... no. It is frickin' impossible for you to create life-sized, animated duplicates of yourself, especially in those early days when you couldn't fly across the street without your flame pooping out.

However, if he was able to create flaming duplicates, I'm guessing that the natives will figure out to toss their spears at the one who is speaking.

Um, no, Reed.... I don't think anyone knows what really happened to the dinosaurs. You don't have to be a jackass about it.

Now, THAT..... pt 1

.... is some serious luggage the Torch is toting. I guess it's part of the Samsonite Capable-of-Being-Lugged-by-a-Flaming-Human Series.

How is it that people crowd around the Torch when he's afire? I pass a little gas and people head for the next county, while a human pilar of flame is practically given group hugs.

My Super-Villain Origin

Only slightly off-topic here, but I've developed a new style of villainy and (a) I wanted to get credit for it and (b) I think it's funny.

Papa John's, you've made me cool my heels in your lobby waiting on my order for the last time. The next time you tell me I'm going to have to wait because you are taking twice as long as you had estimated, I'm telling you my name is "Domino Van Pizzahut." Try shouting that one when my order comes up! Next time, have the order ready when you promise you will, and we can avoid that unpleasantness entirely. Otherwise I want to hear you shout, "ATTENTION! DOMINO VAN PIZZAHUT, YOUR ORDER IS READY!" to a lobby full of cranky pizza-seekers.

This tickles me so much I'm going to do it any time someone takes my name. If I'm going to Bonefish Grill, I'm making the reservation under the name, "Ed Lobster." Get it? The possibilities are endless.

My Beloved thinks they'll spit in my food, but I don't think so.

Num-Nums from Fantastic Four # 8

Marvel Comics - Promoting families of all kinds since 1937.

Ahem. So, according to Stan, a blind person can sense another person's heartbeat. I don't even know where to begin with that. I suppose I should be glad he's enabling the disabled, but do we have to go that far? What's next.... a person with skin tags who can sense my credit rating?

It seems to me like the Puppet Master is going to an awful lot of trouble if that's the scenario he wants. I mean, I get the same treatment he's envisioning when I raise the little flag at Pancho's Mexican Buffet. Ole!

Friday, December 15, 2006

Not as Amazing as He's Making It Sound, pt. 1

Even in the 60's, I'm pretty sure all tv's were portable and self-contained.

I Know I've Said This Before....

But, Reed..... Johnny can fly.

Learning Science in Comics, pt 3

It's not that I'm disputing the ability of heat to turn earth into glass, I just had no idea that a flat glass panel would repel water and crocodiles.

This is why I never did well in the natural sciences.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

You Can Get an Orange Julius in Atlantis...

...apparently in the same mall where Namor had this Glamour Shot(tm) taken. I want one of him wearing the cowboy hat while reclining in the wicker chair!

Before the Playstation 3....

I guess young people were more easily wowed back in the day. The elevator door opened as if by magic!

Wow, High-Waters, if you think that's something, come over to my house and I'll show you how I change the channels on my television without getting my bohonkus out of the La-Z-Boy, as if by magic!

Invisible People Gots No Manners

More than once, we catch Sue pulling this stunt. You know, I can understand feeling anti-social and not wanting to talk to anyone, but I don't shove middle-aged people to the sidewalk.

Num-Nums from Fantastic Four # 4

Well, judging by the splash coming off Namor's right foot, I'd say we're screwed then.

Actually, I'm more impressed with Namor's ability to sit quietly while someone waves fire in his face.

Are you sure? Are you absolutely, positively sure you didn't see a blazing teenager go by? Because I can wait while you think about it.

You'd think his memory would have returned the first time he took a whiz and realized he was wearing the Sub-Mariner's trunks under his clothes....

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Num-Nums from Fantastic Four # 3

Silver Age bad guys had a certain sense of decorum. Rather than just try and enslave mankind, they'd give you some warning. It's a sporting chance to prepare your defenses and/or make a nice casserole. It'll be at the Airport Ramada - RSVP!

Um, Chief, am I drawing some sort of paycheck from the city I don't know about? Because if not, I'm pretty sure you can kiss my stretchy behind!

Why, I BARELY had time to mousse my hair and pluck my eyebrows!

The Miracle Man is putting a lot of faith in Sparky's barking there. That may be true in the purest sense, but I have four dogs, and lemme tell ya, that "reason" is usually more along the lines of "I have to pee! Did you see that squirrel? I sure do like cookies! Mind if I roll around in that pile of cat poop?"

Blue IS a Color!

She didn't say "multi-colored", just "colorful," and blue is a color. Don't know that I'd be as proud of the design as she is, but if your claim to fame is running past people or tripping them, you probably look for any boost to your self-esteem you can find.