Wednesday, January 31, 2007

I Have a Question.... pt 7

If the ship isn't damaged, why did you land it in the first place?

I Call Shenanigans!

Okay, see that HUGE blade slicing through the entire hull of the plane?

Check it out. When it's loaded in the Trapster's gun, it's the size of a small pizza tin. Shenanigans!

Learning Science in Comics, pt 4

Apparently, if you can stretch, you can defy gravity. Didn't know that.

Um... I Said "STOP Her!"

I don't think catching someone means spanking them. I'm learning a little too much about Jack Kirby here. I get the feeling he's wanted to draw that for a loooooong time.


This cover would lead you to believe that Sue goes down in battle. Psyche!

As you can see, Sue gets taken hostage again. You'd think I'd quit complaining about it, but until I see Sue actually stand her ground and fight someone, I'm going to fuss. When we don't speak up, comic books suck, terrorists win, and Rachael Ray ends up with her own talk show.

My big grievance is that Sue doesn't have to have her hands free to use those force fields. If she had any fight in her at all, she would have scooped up the Trapster and Medusa and tossed them out the window. But no, she goes limp like a baby sparrow. What a strong female role model she is.

Ben Grimm, Chiropractor

Yes, Dr. Grimm, I'm experiencing a dull pain between L4 and L5 and.... HOLY MOTHER OF NEPTUNE!

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

The Ultimate Glamour Shot....

Wow.... just..... wow.

Something about that makes me think of Wal-Mart on a Saturday afternoon, know what I mean?

And don't kid yourself, Sue. You don't have any fans, fabulous or otherwise.

Church and State

I didn't know you had to clear rocket launchings with members of the clergy. They must be in a red state...

Why the Earth Keeps Getting Invaded....

While other galaxies have technological advances we cannot begin to fathom, their version of the Playstation leaves a lot to be desired.

Monday, January 29, 2007

Chicks are All the Same

Even green-skinned alien chicks want the bad boys. Then they can't understand why they find themselves on an episode of Cops with their man getting hauled off screaming, "Y'all better not touch my cigarettes!"

Reed Richards, Hopeless Romantic

I'm not Cassanova, but I see two things wrong with that picture: (1) Getting flowers from a vase and giving it to someone who lives there with you doesn't exactly say "You've been on my mind" and (2) Giving anything to someone from 50 feet away doesn't scream "romance," either. He might as well have thrown the bouquet at the back of her head.

Learn Gun Safety with Reed Richards

I didn't think it was loaded! I thought the safety was on! I swear! Why wouldn't you turn off anything that ends in "ray" before you start walking around with it?

Friday, January 26, 2007

I'm Not Trying to Tell You How To Run Your Railroad, pt. 5

.... but couldn't Reed have just put his head inside the bubble along with everyone else?

Fishing for One Too Many Compliments

um... Wizard? I think they're going to be more impressed that you've come up with a device to defy gravity rather than the fact that you attached a clip to it. Always leave them wanting more.

Reed Doesn't Mean to Brag, but....

I know! I know! Let me flip through the archives! - flippityflippityflippityflip - the correct answer is: They call you Mr. Fantastic because that's the nickname you gave yourself in FF #1! See? :

You Can't Get Anything Past Mr. Fantastic....

I'm wondering why Reed was wasting his breath arguing semantics. Did he think they were going to stop in their tracks and say "Whoa! He's right! How can we call ourselves the Frightful Four if there are only three of us? Back to the lair while we figure this one out!"

Is a Party Sub THAT Much Extra?

Here we see Reed and Sue's engagement party, complete with the Avengers, the X-Men, and some of the most unappetizing food I've ever seen. What is that slop on the table? I agree with Cyclops down there in the lower right-hand corner.... just have bread and pick up pizza on the way home. Cheapskates!

Comic Book Cliche pt 1

I'm going to keep a running total of how many times a bad guy is either (1) incarcerated in his costume or (2) has a whole new set of costumes and/or weapons conveniently stashed right outside prison walls (yeah, good thing you had a green-and-purple suit complete with helmet stashed there, fella... you'll blend right in). This is a two-fer, but I'll count it as one.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

I Have a Question.... pt 6

If a stretchy guy is shaking your hand from 50 feet away, do you speak to him in a normal tone of voice since his hand is right there in front of you, or are you obliged to shout?

Stan Lee, Master of Metaphors...

Wow, Stan! How long have you been keeping "pawns in the chessboard of life" in your holster?

Keeping it Fresh, Yo!

The above narrative cracked me up for some reason. If I were to rewrite it today, I'd have to say "with all the energy rarely seen by typical American teenagers except when the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue comes out or they find out the new clerk at the liquor store doesn't check ID's...."

The Softer Side of Sue

Everything that lives respondes to kindness.... to sympathy! And Sue does an impressive job of listing a few fictional characters to prove her point.

I guess "everything that lives" doesn't apply to crocodiles, mountain lions, e-coli bacteria and Jeffery Dahmer. Had Sue put down her copy of Aesop's Fables long enough to read a newspaper now and then, Dragon Man would not have been flossing shreds of Sue's arm from his molars and Sue would not have been known as "Lefty" from that point on.

Okay, of course that last part isn't true, but wouldn't it have been a great moment in comic history if that had been the case?

A Post About (Dramatic Pause)....Diablo!

Stan Lee was big on dramatic pauses, and I could use up NASA's bandwidth showing examples of how many times we see "I will have..... a large order of tater tots!" Every time I see it, William Shatner's voice takes over the inner dailogue in my head. We start with Wolfgang, there, who may have been conditioned by his surroundings to speak of Diablo (I'm sorry - to speak of .... DIABLO!) in such a way, so we'll cut him some slack.

Now we see..... DIABLO! speaking of himself in that same way (perhaps he taught Wolfgang).

This is how stupid slang takes off, like calling each other "Dawg." One person does it, then we're all doing it. Even Ben Grimm can't help himself from acknowledging the dramatic pause-worthiness of.... DIABLO!!!!

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Problems at Home, Stan? pt 2

You know Stan is remembering a spat with the Missus when he wrote the wife's dialogue here...

I'm Not a Doctor....

but it looks to me like that kid needs hydratin' more than entertainin'. If you see a kid that looks like that and you give him a comic book instead of some water, I'm calling social services.

I'm Not Saying I Could Do Any Better.... pt 2

... but Mike Sekowsky couldn't draw people at all. I mean, here's the JLA. This is DC's flagship super-team, and that's them, in all their barrel-chested, awkwardly-posed glory. Wow. And he drew this book for the first 63 issues. We were pretty starved for team books back in the early '60s.

If I ruled the universe (and really, I should, don't you think?), I would have all 63 issues redrawn by Brian Bolland to see if they become more readable. I kind of doubt it, because you can only read about so many alien invasions, no matter how well they are drawn. Okay, let's redo the 63 issues with art by Brian Bolland and written by Gail Simone.

And replace Superham with Captain Marvel.

And replace Wonder Woman with HERBIE the robot from that awful Fantastic Four cartoon.

And replace Aquaman with Stewie from Family Guy.

I can't believe neither DC nor Marvel is soliciting ideas from me.

Classic Cover Commentary, pt 3

Nothing to snark at here.... this is just a great cover.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

I'm Not Trying to Tell You How To Run Your Railroad, pt. 4

.... and I respect that you're a General in the United States Army while I'm just a guy with too much time on his hands. I completely get that.

But is it great strategy to shout out the overly-descriptive name of your secret weapon to the enemy before you use it? I mean, I never read The Art of War, but that particular piece of military strategiem just seems kind of reckless to me.

I Have a Question.... pt 5

How does it take you by surprise that the hairbrush is going to break on Superboy's super-butt? I mean, let's say that Superboy has done something that really torqued Pa Kent off like.... I don't know, threw out Pa's copy of the Saturday Evening Post before he had a chance to read it or something - who knows what would spur Pa Kent to violence?

Anyway, Pa's got his pantaloons in a twist and is ready to crack open a kegger of corporal punishment on his child (who, by the way, looks way too old to be spanked, but maybe that's a farmboy thing). No matter how mad he is, wouldn't the bright red and blue costume be a clue that this was going to be a challenge? After all, he had to move Clark's cape out of the way to swing the brush, so the fact that your teenager is wearing a cape just might be an indicator that you better have a Plan B.

I'm just saying.....

"Reet" is a Word!

I was originally going to pick on Stan Lee for making up a word, but I looked it up, and "reet" is actually recognized slang (it means "alright"). So, rather than throw away the joke just because it turns out I was wrong, I am instead going to pick on Stan for using a word that, although quite real, should have never seen the light of day. I realize I'm just as guilty as Stan for reprinting this little gem of dialogue, but it's still just wrong. "Reet" may be a word, but it is by no means a good word.

This perfectly nifty cover of Animal Man shows just how effective we can be with no words at all. See the anguish in the face of the Pscycho Pirate, coupled with the horror Buddy and the others feel as they watch real comics come out of him? Beautiful symbolism that only the Psycho Pirate lived with the memory of Crisis on Infinite Earths and continued to be tormented by it for years to come.

Now imagine that cover with the Psycho Pirate saying "Reet!"

You get what I'm saying. Don't pretend you don't.

I Have a Question.... pt 4

Since Miraclo really doesn't do much more than make Hourman super-strong for an hour, why would it matter that his punches were "super-charged"? I mean, you can either touch something or you can't. Smoke doesn't care how strong you are if you try to grab it.

I know, I'm splitting hairs, but it seems like the real concern is, "We can't touch this guy at all." No need to overcompensate for your inability to touch intangible objects by reminding us that your punches, however ineffective in this case, would otherwise be quite damaging.

Bob Hope is CCA Approved

Yes, parents, rest assured that Bob Hope and Jerry Lewis will be putting aside their usual penchant for gratuitous sex and violence for their comic books.

Since it's only readers who are going to see this ad, I can't think of anything less cool to tell a kid than "What you're reading is approved by the censors!"

Monday, January 22, 2007

Bask in My Glory!

I really want a lackey like this. Adam is eating a corndog! Great is Adam! Bow down to the All-Powerful Adam!

Costume Hall of Shame - Killraven

I don't care how high up your boots go, running around bare-legged is inexcusable. And don't even get me started on that "lace up in front man-corset" thing he's got going on there (complete with fashionable yellow stars on each hip - yikes!).

I mean, effeminate S&M look aside, wasn't he always in the midst of some big battle? I would think you'd want to cover yourself up! I'm all in favor of being comfortable with yourself and all that, but please! The next time someone says a character's costume looks sissified, I'm referring them to our friend Killraven.

And what's with those boots, anyway? Didn't I see him dancing on Solid Gold back in the 70's?

Classic Cover Commentary, pt 2

Covers that DC did in the 1960's generally rocked my world. This cover is so in-your-face silly that I want to read it just because of the dancing Superham. OOOEEE! YAH YAH YAH!

Classic Cover Commentary, pt 1

What amazes me about 1940's covers is that they were often much more gruesome than any story contained therein. Here, we see someone strangling Bucky so he can paint a picture of it while he does it.... years before the character of Finn McGovern in Road to Perdition was taking photos of his victims as they died. It's odd that they tried to make the covers so much more graphic than the stories themselves.

Secret's Out!

Betty? That secret in panel 2 you're saying that no one else can know? Your father just told you in the previous panel that he knows what it is. I understand that your favorite topic is Betty, but if you listened to someone else every now and then, life might get a little easier.

Friday, January 19, 2007

I Have a Question.... pt 3

Does being a member of the FF mean you have to use that flare that may or may not be seen? I mean, I'd be surprised if there wasn't a phone within six feet of him.

Problems at Home, Stan?

You just know Reed's dialogue was written by Stan after his kid forgot to take out the trash or something.

Oh, I See....

So that's what an invincible man looks like.... gotta admit, I was way off in my head.

Time Flows Differently in Comics, pt 1

I'm pretty darn sure that it takes less time to turn around than it does to talk about it.

I Have a Question.... pt 2

.... since Ben took the time to put on shoes and socks, why didn't he bother with a pair of pants?

Make Mine Melodrama!

Wow.... considering everything the FF had seen up to that point, you'd think they wouldn't all be so inclined to swoon.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Doesn't ANYONE Learn a Second Language Anymore?

Hey, idiots! The guy who scammed you? His name means devil! Yeah I know, who saw that coming?