The Ends Justifies the Means Thursday!

For no good reason at all, let's look at All-Star Comics #7:


When I first saw the blurb about raising one million clams for war orphans, I thought this was an actual goal and was about to get all "What has the Punisher done for war orphans lately?" on you. But, nope. It was just a plot device.

And I suppose someone's heart was in the right place. It was still nice to see the heroes actually give a rip (although it was a fictional rip) about the innocent victims of a war between governments. So, off the JSA goes on a self-imposed challenge to raise $100,000 each for the cause.

It was how they went about it that I found disturbing:



Green Lantern resorts to exploiting the plight of a wealthy kidnapping victim. Nice!
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Meanwhile, the Spectre cheats at the race tracks...
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... and then helps a psychic scam others.
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And right when I'm about to toss out hope for any heroics, I get a little refreshing honesty (not to mention good old-fashioned violence) from the Atom:




I love the exchange between Al and the gangster. "This is for you!" "Well, this is for you!" "Why, thank you so much! And here's a little something extra for YOU!"



Yeah, that'll hold up in court!

Mr. Atom, when did you witness the Defendant sign the confession?

Why, after I threatened him with bodily harm if he refused to do so!

Of course, in Oklahoma, the prosecution would have a decent chance of getting that admitted. (Who said that? Did I say that out loud?)
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I loved this. Dr. Fate not only accepts reward money, but he milks the guy for double!
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The Sandman hunts down Chinese stereotypes... You no send me up the liver, Sandman!
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While the Hourman goes to Mexico to give us one of the earliest documented occurrences of the Hogshooter Oklahoma Rule...
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.... and finally, I'm pretty sure Dog the Bounty Hunter was in there somewhere as well. Or was it Hawkman? No, I'm pretty sure it was Dog.
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So, did they raise the million? You betcha! In 100% imaginary money, which I'm sure helped out many imaginary war orphans. The real war orphans, however, did not benefit from this one whit. But they weren't Americans, so I'm pretty sure we weren't supposed to care that much to begin with.

Head-Scratchin' Wednesday!

From Uncanny X-Men #11, we have the weirdest retort I've heard in some time:



Um.... if we're fighting, how do we both get defeated? Is there some sort of murder-suicide rule I'm not understanding? They don't teach debate at Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters, do they?
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I am a stranger.... far different from any you have ever known.... which kinda goes back to that whole "stranger" thing I said .... so I guess that last part wasn't really necessary... forget I said that last part ..... and fear me!

Poor Stan Lee... just not the greatest dialogue writer who ever picked up a pen.
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Hey, let's have some out-of-context dialogue fun from Daredevil v.1 #104!:


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And, since we haven't had a Character Hall of Shame in a while, let's do one! From Daredevil v.1 #105:


We can't leave Moondragon out because: (1) She doesn't look good bald, (2) She has a personality that seems designed to suck any interest out of any story any time she appears (3) I don't know if her powers are telepathic or magic, but either one of those bores me silly and (4) while I didn't know this until yesterday, she was originally called "Madame McEvil." Take yer pick, but any one of those will land you in the Character Hall of Shame.

Angar the Screamer Tuesday!

Hey! The Eisner Award Nominees were announced, and guess what? I didn't get nominated for a dang thing. The establishment just can't handle me, man! That's why today is a good day to talk about....


Daredevil v.1, #100, the anniversary issue.... with the introduction of Angar the Screamer!

He'd blow your mind, hepcats. Blow it! Check out the cover of Daredevil v. 1 #101:


That's a dude that means business, brother! He's gonna rock the establishment by conjuring up the weirdest creatures from your freakiest nightmares....


... and apparently, will make you think your arm is an overgrown carrot. I'm not sure I understand the strategy there from a combat standpoint, but who am I to backseat drive? He's Angar the Screamer, dudes!

Of course, he'd be unceremoniously shot and killed by a bank security guard in the first issue of Thunderbolts, but that's because he was blowin' their minds!

The final indignity was that he died in a flashback. They couldn't even bother writing him into a scene to bump him off. That's harsh, bro.
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From Daredevil v. 1, #103:


Spider-Man in San Francisco? Popping up right after he starts to interview Daredevil and the Black Widow? And they never put the two coinkydinks together? It sounds like an appearance of....

The Hogshooter Oklahoma Rule!

Love comics. Love them so much.

Swift Kick in the Trousers Monday!

What would Monday be without All-Star Comics #5? Well, we wouldn't have this:


Comics were awful in the '90s when it came to making super-heroes and villains the proportional equivalent of 8 feet tall to other characters. I know that's supposed to make them seem all.... I dunno, heroic and such, but it only makes me wonder how an 8 foot tall hero blends in with the crowd when he's using the old secret identity.

In this case, I could accept the Spectre as being larger-than-life, but Green Lantern and the Flash look a good 10 feet tall! And what's the Flash doing to that guy? Really, what's he doing?
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Well, I could disintegrate you, leave hanging on the tip of a crescent moon, or dispatched into the Pit of Somethingoranother....


.... but apparently, I'm more likely to just give you a swift kick in the pants. I am the Lord's Instrument of Vengeance! Fear me!
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From All-Star Comics #6:


I have never heard this expression before, but we all need to start using it. That's right... I'm some pumpkins!

You heard it here first, hepcats!

Friendly Fire Friday!

From Uncanny X-Men #4:


Hmmmmmmm.... I'm no anesthesiologist, but the way Cyclops is flailing his arms and legs, I'm thinking we've passed "reviving" and gone into "suffocating." It's looking like that last scene in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.
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And these remaining panels come from Uncanny X-Men #9:



Excellent work, Marvel Girl! You've kept yourself from tripping over your own two feet! You continue to exceed our every expectation!
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Yeah, it's hard to keep your hands off a chick in a skullcap, but dammit, man.... think of the team!
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THANK YOU! The correct word is "conversing." Not "conversating." "Conversate" is not a word, no matter how many times you hear the idiots on MTV use it. Don't believe me? Run spell-check. "Conversate" with me at your own risk.
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Stranger danger! No means no, Hank!

Besides, those aren't his biceps you're groping....

See you Monday!

Courtesy of sPat Thursday!

Have I told you to pick up Black Adam: The Dark Age mini-series? I haven't? Well, you oughta. Get on it, and tell me in the comments why Black Adam is the best-revived character since the Ted Kord Blue Beetle was brought into the DCU back in the '80s. And, while you're at it, try and point me towards a Marvel book that isn't complicated and boring besides Heroes for Hire. Are they still printing Heroes for Hire?

Enough of that.... on with some random goodness from contributor sPat!


Excuse me.... what? So, am I to understand that if I listen to a record from a distance played by a plutonium needle, I'll get radiation poisoning? Because that's the same logic here. Shenanigans!
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sPat tells me these guys were trying to pull Arthur's fishy leg here, but I would think anyone would smell a scam when someone says that wearing a garden variety cloth surgical mask is protecting their entire body from radiation.

The big question: Would it protect Superboy from the noises emanating from the kryptonite phonograph? See? I'm not afraid to ask the big questions around here....
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Oh, great. In the future, there's no Earth to speak of, but kids are still going to pester me to buy White Cloverine.

White Cloverine.... the salve of the future. It will make your neighbor's flesh tender when the food is all gone and we resort to cannibalism.

Goodness, I need a vacation....
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Here's a prediction of robotics from 1956. I'm not sure what stoking the furnace was, but I have a babysitting machine. I call it "the television."

Was that really a common thing back in 1956? And taking out ashes? No wonder elderly people are so bitter....

Now is the time in which we dance!

Family Values Wednesday!

We nerds rarely get a chance to be in the know, so while I'm stealing part of this cute story, I don't think Kyle will mind:

Kyle and his very-understanding girlfriend (whose name we will conceal so that no one else knows she's dating a nerd - some girls try to hide that sort of thing) go to Dark Knight. As most of us know, the Watchmen trailer was shown. Kyle's girl (who, God bless her, is trying to be supportive) assumes it is a trailer for the Avengers movie we all hope to see some day. So, she asks where Iron Man is.

Good try, right? Of course it is!

Kyle explains that this is a whole different set of characters from a different company. She accepts this, then asks where Batman is.

Isn't that precious? Couldn't you die?

But, wait! It gets better!

I'm telling this story to Beloved, and she doesn't understand why any of that is funny. Where were Iron Man and Batman?

I love Beloved more than life itself, and she tries to keep up, but she is strictly limited to comic book movies and television shows. She understands that we're like people who watch soap operas, or as my Grandmother called them, her "stories." She'll accept a capsulized accounts of the major events and then count on me to remind her of the big issues when they appear on screen.

So, while she appreciates that my hobby does not involve compulsive gambling or other women, she will not read a comic to save her life. This, understandably, affects her grasp as to why Batman and Iron Man aren't members of the Watchmen and explains why Thor dropped his "brick" when she bumped into his action figure in my office.

You know, the Mighty Brick of Thor.

Well, enough of that. On with Superboy-related silliness!

From Superboy #124:


Well, no matter how you're using it, that is an important word....
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From Superboy #117:


Now, see here! I'll accept Chief Parker as an ape or a criminal.... but a woman? Sputter! Sputter! Impossible!
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From Adventure Comics #355:


Now, why should Lana have to stick around and hang out in Reject Row? That's like in beauty pageants, where they make all the people that just got cut come out en masse and perform one last musical number. Your dream is shattered, losers, but come on out and sing the theme from "Fame."

Fame! I'm gonna live forevvvverrrr.... I'm gonna learn how to fly - HIGH!

Okay. I'll stop now.
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A little back page guilt-trip from Adventure Comics #358:


Way to sell me on community service. So, I have to be supervised by an adult, you say? Hmmmmmmmm.... I went out of my way to avoid adult supervision as a child (and, let's face it, continue to do so as an adult). The last thing I'm going to do is sign up for some manual labor with some power-drunk schmuck telling me the right way to hold a rake.

And what's with letting the kids use broken glass for an arts and crafts project? You know what I would have done if I'd been the artist? I would have drawn the kids in the last panel with all kinds of cuts and gashes. That would have been hilarious. Don't act like you disagree.

Still no job offers from Marvel or DC. They just don't know what they're missing, do they?

Daredevilin' Questions Abound Tuesday!

I saw the trailer for Punisher: War Zone today. I was a fan of the Thomas Jane/Dolph Lundgren versions, so it's not like I'm a hard sell. I've gotta go on record, though, and say this doesn't look promising.

And that's all I have to say about that. For now.

From Daredevil v.1 #90:


Can someone explain to me what just happened? DD just smacked the taste out of that cop's mouth, and he's perfectly fine with it. Did this guy go to the same Police Academy as Lady Cop, because she seemed pretty okay with taking a punch in the mouth as well. Maybe they teach cops to just expect to be decked in the face every so often...
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From Daredevil v.1 #92:


What surprises me is that this sort of thing doesn't happen all the time. I mean, when Peter Parker and Spider-Man happen to show up at the same time in Hogshooter, Oklahoma and no one puts it together, it makes my head hurt.

My Decree: Henceforth, the act of a super-hero and his civilian identity being seen at an unusual locale while no one puts the coincidence together shall be known as the Hogshooter, Oklahoma Rule! Keep your eyes peeled for our heroes using their frequent flier miles!
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From Daredevil v.1 #99:


What's with the way DD is holding Hawkeye's chin? I hate to be that guy, but if someone tries to hold my face in that manner and it ain't Beloved, that will not end well.

Give me back my billy club.... and you know what I mean when I say "billy club," you sexy purple tunic-wearing heartbreaker!

Mutant Buffet Monday!

I haven't seen Dark Knight yet. Heck, I haven't seen a comic movie since Ghost Rider, so don't ruin anything for me. I'm strictly a dollar movie guy, and I'm waiting for Iron Man and the Incredible Hulk to get there. Intern Kathryn, referred now and forevermore as my Minion Kathryn, actually had a free ticket to the IMAX showing of Dark Knight over the weekend and hogged it for herself, so applications will soon be accepted for a new Minion. Glad to hear it was awesome, though. Hope it hits the dollar before Christmas!

You know what I did see, though? Uncanny X-Men #6:

Heaven forbid you need a condiment at the dinner table of Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters:


Yes, the same beam that Cyclops uses on the Juggernaut will be used to cripple you if you reach for the Sweet-N-Low. Go for the artificial sweetener, and expect to pull back a bloody stump. Why the Beast didn't beat the wahjeebus out of Scott remains a mystery to this day.
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Hmmmmmm.... no, Bobby, I think you're going to end up with a soggy piece of pie. With freezer burn. If there's any flavoring to the ice you generate, I'm bettin' it ain't vanilla beans!

Heh.... that was kinda gross....
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Of course, if you have the power of magnetism, you automatically have the ability to create an astral consciousness of yourself. The two powers are totally related. Yup. Can't have one without the other. That's why I never sleep with a magnet in the room. I'm afraid the magnet will project its ghost self and try to eat me or something.
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Yeah, Professor! You go on ahead! We have plenty of tests to keep us busy!

You just know Warren, Bobby and Hank seized the moment to cut out and smoke weed by the tennis court...

I'm a Chauvanist Pig Friday!

More uncomfortable goodness from Uncanny X-Men #1:


Yes, the homos shall bow to the homos and.... wait, that's not what I meant.
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Anybody else ever watch What Not to Wear? I have their latest challenge right here...

Not that the fellas aren't encouraging it. Then again, they haven't exactly kept company with a lot of chicks up to this point....
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This is why you don't give women powers. They'll think nothing of crushing anyone who stands in their way. And it's not like this was the only time.
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We'll always be allies... until we figure out you're mutants, at which point we'll hunt you down like dogs. Until then.... want a beer?
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And lastly, more out-of-context shenanigans from Uncanny X-Men #2:

Teacher's Pet Thursday!

You knew I'd get to them sooner or later. From X-Men #1:


Tardiness will be punished! By a lobotomy! I've got funky mental powers, so don't push it!
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Check out the expression on Prof X's face. You can tell he's sick of their sucking up already....
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Wow. I see two guys who have serious issues with their fathers....
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That's some great battle training there, Prof. Dance, monkey! Dance for my amusement!
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Equally awesome training. Flap your wings, boy! Flappity flappity flap flap flap them wings!
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Now, Cyclops.... kill your classmates for your professor's love!
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A little bonus, hilarious-out-of-context dialogue from X-Men #2: