Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Gravity is the New Magnetism Tuesday!

This was a classic hodgepodge of sheer messy storytelling from World's Finest #87:

I am Superman, and only I can tell this story.... well, except Batman and Robin, who were also there. I guess it stands to reason they could also tell this story. But I'm the one that's telling it. Because only I could tell it. Except Batman and Robin.

It was very accommodating of Jor-El, who was from another planet altogether, to write instructions in English.

Who shot who in the what now? I'm no physicist, but that makes no sense at all. Here's how gravity works:

So, even if you are on a planet where gravity is lighter, what the heck kind of pill is going to replace your compensation for the lighter gravity? And if Superman's powers were based on the fact that gravity is lighter, how does that explain things like heat vision, invulnerability and his ability to do long division in his head? It's impossible, of course.

Because your average comic book reader (myself included) has a lot of time on his/her hands, I'm sure DC Comics got more than a few letters demanding an accounting of this concept than they could have hoped to answer in a million years. But instead of trying to come up with a plausible origin for Superman's powers, they decided to go in the opposite direction and say, "Okay, the sun of Krypton is red, and Earth's sun is yellow. That's why he has super-powers." This is so preposterous you can't possibly hope to successfully argue against it, so it was a genius recovery in its own way.

And, just in case I haven't mentioned it yet today, Superman is quite the douche:

You know, even if you can fly up in the sky and scream at me, I'd prefer you use the phone.

Enough of that. Let's look at another part of the comic that went horribly awry:

Yeah, let's teach the kids about respecting other cultures by discussing the history thereof. Which, I suppose, went okay until the very last panel:

Based on the text and the picture, you'd think these folks were hired help. I'm the first person to say we shouldn't dwell on the past, but that doesn't mean you ignore it. Ah, Revisionist History.... the older I get, the more you pay me a visit.

Let's bid a fond farewell to Patrick Swayze, who actually has earned our kudos. No, not because of Dirty Dancing and Ghost, but because of his role in this 1982 classic television series:

If you had been alive or old enough to control the remote, you would have watched the heck out of that show. You know you would. If you wouldn't.... well, I really don't know what you're doing here. Anyway, RIP, Patrick Swayze.

See you tomorrow!


The One True GL said...

Obviously, granted that gravity = magnetism and assuming you have iron-rich blood (do Kryptonians have anywhere Martian-level?), the stronger gravity on Krypton makes the blood collect in your lower extremeties and away from your brain? This would explain Jor-El's airheaded decisions.

Maybe I should send DC this gem of reasoning.

I can picture the next panel...Jor-El: "Quiet, woman! This is Krypton-shattering science stuff I'm explaining. So, never mind that rumble and quake sounds you're hearing, which according to my calculations have nothing to do with Krypton's impending doom."

Anonymous said...

"only I, .Superman can tell this story--The Story of The Strangest Adventure Batman, Robin and I ever had....
Because I killed them.

SallyP said...

So...taking Jor El pills is how Space Ghost got his powers?

ShadowWing Tronix said...

I've actually NOT heard of The Renegades, and I grew up in the 80's. Must be something we didn't get 'round these parts.

Anonymous said...

Since ideologies are now more important than reasoned, civil debate, it's almost impossible to objectively point out falsehoods or biases without being attacked by one dogmatic zealot or another.

As a nation and as individuals we SHOULD dwell on the facts from the past, not as punishment, but to learn from it.

That's why Superman is the only guy worthy to retell a story, because he can disposes of anyone disagreeing with his version of the facts.

Batman and Robin contradict Superman's story? Heat vision. Bzzt.

A Congressman publically yells at Superman and calls him a liar? Bzzt.

A Tennis player curse out Superman because she disagrees when he declared a foot fault? He's got microscopic vision, so Bzzt.

Kanye West headed to the stage to rant? Bzzt.

Dick Cheney said "F____ You" to a political adversary on the Senate floor? Well, nothing happened because that guy has more power than Superman.

Unknown said...

I've been taking Jor-El superpills for weeks and it's doing me no good.