Monday, July 26, 2010

Hey, Kids! Try and Be a Little Less Stupid and Learn Somethin' Monday!

Oh, Bill. You poor, desperate, impatient fool. Little did you know that:

Bill apparently doesn't watch the news:

You can't go swimming in the Gulf of Mexico until BP cleans up all that oil, Bill. See all that black stuff on the surface of the water? Do you ever drink black stuff? No you don't, Bill... because it's oil and at least your parents are smart enough to keep you from drinking it. Because you'll die, Bill! DIE! DIE of BEING STUPID, that's what they'll put on your tombstone, Bill! "Here lies Bill: Died of Dumbassery Because He Didn't Know the Difference Between Oil and Water"! And that's how people will remember you, Bill - as the dumbass who didn't know the difference between oil and water.

Now Bill, I understand that those lessons make you look pretty stupid, and I'll grant you that I never learned to swim by standing in a row and paddling air on dry land, but there is clearly some sort of technique at work and I'm not one to second-guess the professionals. And Bill? You shouldn't, either.

Let's learn to swim!:

Lessons at the Y make sense, I suppose, unless it involves more of that "paddling the air while standing in a line on dry land" technique. I just don't know that I can really put my seal of approval on that one. I really think we need to see some credentials on the swimming instructor.

Still, read a book? Kick the air at home? Seriously? I'd probably kick the air at home, but I'm kind of a jackass and that sort of thing comes naturally and really has nothing at all to do with swimming.

I don't get this at all. We just jumped in the pool and swam around. That's about all the instructions I can recall. Then again, I'm pretty sure my parents were hoping I'd go under so they could have a new kid and start over. But there's not much chance I'm going to die of anything even remotely involving fitness unless the nephew gets one of those Wii things.

Anyway, here's how to be a hit with the ladies:

I'm not sure exactly why that qualifies as a public service announcement, but you can see by the text on the bottom that it clearly does. Again, I'm not the professional here. But I think it speaks volumes that you have to merge with two other guys before a girl will give you the time of day. I guess the 3-D Man would be the guy to watch in that kind of situation, but now that I think about it, he was only two guys smooshed together. That makes the name "3-D Man" kind of misleading, don't you think?

I don't understand anything I've posted today. We'll try again tomorrow!


Unca Jeffy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Unca Jeffy said...

I find it interesting that we never hear what BEM actually says to win the girl over.

I was all ready with pencil and paper too.

Lazarus Lupin said...

Embarrassing story.
As a 3 year old I loved, LOVED sea hunt and Jaque cousteau. That summer we were travelling and at the motel I said, "Mommy I know how to swim I saw it on TV." I jumped into the deep end of the pool and sank like a stone.
SOooo... maybe it's a good PSA up there but since 3 year olds really aren't comic book readers it is still a bit of a FAIL.

Lazarus Lupin
art and review

MarvelX42 said...

I wonder whatever happened to the old N.S.W.A.C.O.F.N.H.W.A.R.A.O.T.U.S. anyways.

LissBirds said...

Hey, there's no better way to learn to swim than to ask a librarian!

Allergy said...

In the next issue: learn to hang glide by mail!

josh the website visitor said...

well.. i a novice swimmer :)
one thing i must say, there are a number of instructional videos available on internet to learn swimming. for me, i really found these videos helpful..