Wednesday, March 10, 2010

A Little Something for the Ladies (and Some of the Dudes) Wednesday!

Today, we introduce two new categories in CMNS. The first is "Unfortunate 90's Artwork" (tm!):

Isn't that painful? Believe it or not, that kind of painful scribbling was considered quite hot back in the 1990's. Reading a 1990's Marvel comic was often like reading a ancient Sanskrit document through a piece of jagged glass. Whenever we get a little condescending about the product put out in the decades before and since, I think a quick look at the 1990's will keep us humble, don't you?

So, this is why I will suffer through moments like this from World's Finest:

I'm sure that covers are a tricky business, but Batman's reaction here (a) doesn't take place in the story and (b) gives me the polar opposite reaction to the sense of urgency they're trying to convey. Allow me to demonstrate:

Superman: Get back, Batman! I can't stop it!

Batman: Let it come, Superman! I'm the one it's after!

Superman: Seriously? Okay, you're the brains of this team!

Batman: AIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

See? That would have been a very short story, but with long ramifications in the DC Universe. Frankly, I don't think anyone would have seen that coming.

I know.... Still no job offers from Marvel or DC. What is their problem?

I want to emphasize that (a) I understand some girls read comics and (b) some gay guys read comics. And you all are welcome here and loved as a fellow comic book fan. But, my admiration and respect for you notwithstanding, I must call this next category "UDN" or "Unfortunate Dude Nudity" (tm! times two!).

First, we nearly see Superman's butt:

And I've got to say, I have no interest in seeing the Last Asscrack of Krypton. But again, if that's your bag, I've got nothing but love for you.

But then we almost see Batman's junk:

Was it absolutely necessary that we get this little peep show? Are there no robes in the Fortress of Solitude or the Batcave? Shouldn't Alfred or those Kryptonian robots have long addressed this issue?

And I have to say, this is yet another jerk move from a guy who clearly doesn't understand what it's like to have physical needs:

So, it was convenient to deprive everyone of oxygen so he could make the change? The guy can move faster than the eye can follow and create an earthquake by stamping his foot, and the best thing he could come up with was to suffocate the hostages?

I can't believe anyone likes Superman. I really don't get it.

Ah, well. See you tomorrow!


Aurora Moon said...

As a chick I gonna say that their build does nothing for me. I'm not a big fan of the overly muscular type, especially if they've got no ass like Superman here does. seriously, he doesn't seem to have ANY butt at all... just some vague shading to indicate that he has a buttcrack.
I appericate that the artists/writers tried to us ladies some eye-candy... but not when the artists don't even seem to know what type most women actually like. For instance, only 15% actually like the Arnold Schweitzer build while around 80% want their male eye-candy to be a little bit more normal, with a somewhat toned body.
like that one. (no nudity, I promise). you can see how he's obviously muscular but without being bulky. that's what over half of ladies prefer usually.
At least with the Green Lantern, the artists gave us his fantastic ass. seriously, there's usually so many shots of his fantastic ass in the GL series that it might as well as be a fanservice comic for ladies (almost).

Anonymous said...

"It must have robbed the Green from my suit." Um, someone tell the colorist he forgot Superman's suit was really green for the past 75 years. Same with Batman.

SallyP said...

Woohoo! Butt shots! Yes, I'm totally shameless...but you knew that.

I must confess to being rather intrigued by the secret pouch in Superman's suit...and what he keeps in it.

Avenjer said...

First, the 90's art---I couldn't agree with you more. I got used to art by George Perez and others in the 80's, where artists tried to create a sense of realism and detail to each panel. And then the 90's came and I guess with all the artists drawing while posing outside of all those brand new Starbucks coffee shops popping up everywhere at the time, I think the caffeine went straight to their brain because everything in the 90's looked like a schizophrenic crackhead was behind the pen. Everything was out of proportion, 50 foot long capes, armoured shoulders that are bigger than a Buick where it would be physically impossible to lift their arm to scratch their head let alone get into a fist fight with a hero, and the women all had long deer legs--no feet just sort of heeled hooves going up to a waist like an ant with two beach balls connected to head with a thong somewhere in the back. Gah! Let's never go back to those times again, except here. Now second, as a gay man, I applaud your think of me by sharing the bare superhero nakedness you find in your comic readings. There's plenty of female lady parts in comics too but, somehow some male nudity slips in every once in a while, which is fine cause it spices up a slow comic story for me. :)

E. Bernhard Warg said...

I must confess to being rather intrigued by the secret pouch in Superman's suit...and what he keeps in it.

His Clark Kent clothes, though I always wondered how he could flatten them to such a degree. Maybe he used his Super Spit or his Super Crocodile Tears plus his heat vision to steam them? That still wouldn't account for his shoes, or his keys, or his wallet. No wonder the Crisis retconned the pouch out of existence (though maybe Zero Hour or some other event brought it back?).

Murfyn said...

There have been times that my costume gave off strange emanations . . . but let us not speak of that now . . .

Jack Norris said...

Hey, if I had a "Fortress of Solitude" or a "Batcave" I'd consider that one of the places I'd feel every right to hang around naked in.
It's a totally private space.