Monday, April 23, 2018

In Which Spider-Man Shows that He May be a Scientist, but not a Behavioral Health One

Aaaaaand we're at issue #39 and it doesn't look like I'm going to reach the end any time soon.  I give you, "SCOURGE OF THE SCHIZOID MAN!"

It always makes me nervous when a character is named for a mental illness, especially when the cover indicates to me that they're using the wrong mental illness.  The costume has me concerned that someone thinks being schizoid is the same thing as having multiple personality disorder.

But let's see, shall we?

But first:

Spider-Man!  I have danger to warn you about, if you would kindly not shine your little belt spotlight thingie right in my face.  Seriously, we've met a thousand times.  We're way past the theatrics here.

Before we get into the story, let's check out a mystery subplot:

Can you guess who these guys are?  Can ya?

Seriously, if you can't, you are one casual comic book nerd.

Here's Guy-We-Haven't-Officially-Been-Told-is-Electro pontificating:

Did someone get him a word-of-the-day calendar or something?  When did Electro start talking like Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory?

Meh.  Here's an origin:

The baby actually appeared to form Mjolnir, which is actually more impressive than it is upsetting IMHO.

Anyway, here are my fears confirmed:

All together, class:  That's not what being schizoid is.  When you are schizoid, you are disconnected.  I mean, there's more to it, but that's basically what it means to be schizoid.  These kind of blunders disproportionately annoy me.  It's not like this isn't an easy thing to fact-check.

But then this happened:

So now I'm interested again.  See you soon!

Thursday, April 19, 2018

Random Lightning Strikes Solve Everything!

I just finished reading Thunderbolts... the one where Deadpool, the Punisher, Deadpool, Ghost Rider, etc. are led by Red Hulk.  I liked it but they went to the "everyone's dead!  PSYCHE!" device too often.  Still, great read if you haven't.

So, let's check out PPTSSM #38!

It's takes place during Halloween and by a remarkable coincidence, we have Morbius the Living Vampire... which I think is a paradox, but anyway...

And then all three of them immediately updated their profiles to include "vampires" as a "turn-off."

Wow... could that have been any more of an offensive stereotype?  Seriously, do even the Irish people who still live in Ireland talk like that?


Yeah!  Action in the Mighty Marvel Manner.

Anyway, one thing leads to another and:

Okay, this isn't supposed to be the same lady Morbius got earlier... but it sure looks like her!

Fight scene!:

Hmmm... I appreciate the officer's restraint, but I would think shooting at a suspect flying above everyone else would be a pretty easy target.  But I'm not trained in law enforcement, so don't pay any attention to me.

Then, we have the solution to everything:

Yup!  He's cured!  Because SCIENCE! (tm!)

This series is really worse than I remember.  I'm only reading it for you, my lovelies!  See you soon!

Tuesday, April 17, 2018

In Which I Should Have Enjoyed this Story More Because it Featured THE SWARM!

Behold the glory that is PPTSSM #36!

That's right!  THE SWARM!

But first, workplace bullying!

Yes, because Steve has to stop all this "working quietly" business!

Granted, Steve didn't exactly throw a flashbang on Chip's desk, but it really grinds my gears when extroverts feel like introverts have some sort of character flaw that needs fixing.  I'm sorry Chip doesn't share your childish, insatiable need for attention, Steve.  You certainly seem like someone worth his time.

Anyway, that's pretty much all that happened in that issue, which is disappointing, because... THE SWARM!

We've got much more of THE SWARM! in the next issue.  Thusly:

And I notice early on that Spidey is surprisingly ineffective here:

Okay, first?  "Spiderness"?  Turns out it's totally a word.

Second... THE SWARM! is correct:

Yup.  Spidey got pantsed by THE SWARM!  It was blind luck that he wasn't killed on the spot.

And this is the fundamental problem with the otherwise perfect character that is THE SWARM!: You can't really defeat him.

Unless you do something really boring like mix chemicals:

WHOOOOO!  Slow down, Marvel!  My heart isn't what it used to be and can't stand all the action!  Pause and let an old man catch his breath!

But then we have this and I forgive everything:

That was pretty bitchin'.

But the big fight is... just this:

Hope that was enough Spider-Man action for you, kids!  Because that was it!  Chemicals!

And while this was going on, Captain Marvel had to give Twinkies to some guy who I'm calling, "Professor Butthurt," for obvious reasons:

Kind of an odd subplot there, but anyway... Chemicals!

Because SCIENCE! (tm!)

Okay, it wasn't great, but my expectations for this title are going down pretty quickly.  See you soon!

Tuesday, April 10, 2018

In Which Evil Assumes the Lotus Position!

Okay, I'm not proud that I read this, but here is PPTSSM #35:

It starts out promising, what with teases of a Disembodied Floating Head (tm!) and Spider-Man saying, "W-AAAGHH!"

But then, after much ado, we see who are foe is:

Oh, eeesh.  The Mindworm.  Nothing says "fear me" like a guy levitating in a yoga pose.  Just tip him over, Spidey.  Seriously, it'll only take one little shove.

But things pick up when the giant rats get involved:

Waitasec... is he killing those animals?

Yes, I believe he did.  It's a shame he didn't have something where he could just ensnare them.  You know... like webbing.

And then we see that the Mindworm has become Jabba the Hutt because REASONS!:

Okay, I can't take it any more.  We're not giving up on PPTSSM, but these stories are really bad considering we're talking about one of Marvel's flagship characters.  There's "so bad it's good" and then there's "just plain bad."

See you soon!