Know Your Local Legionnaire Thursday!

By the time Adventure Comics #365 rolled around, the Legion was getting pretty large, so the powers that be decided it would be easier to fill those blank pages with illustrative pictures (as opposed to stories with plots, dialogue and characterization). Here are some highlights:


If you work in construction and a beam is about to fall on you, Lightning Lad will apparently electrify the beam first to make sure you are good and dead so you don't have to worry about the high cost of medical treatment.



One of Cosmic Boy's lesser-known powers seems to be the ability to generate tumbleweeds, which he likes to launch into busy intersections.



Um.... I don't care how light the tree is, unless something is affirmatively pulling it in the opposite direction, those roots are gonna keep it in the ground. See "How a Balloon String Works" by any Child Above the Age of Three.


Few people know that the ability to make objects heavier also constitutes an immunity to fire. Because it doesn't. Check your local comic shop for the Star Boy Visits the Local Burn Ward mini-series.


You may recall Element Lad's origin story. He is the last survivor of a race of people who could change one element to another. They were wiped out because they refused to convert common elements to precious ones. Here we see Element Lad converting common elements to precious ones. I guess the principles don't apply when you are making yourself rich.

Get Yourself an Arch Enemy Wednesday!

Let's face it: A hero is only as good as his bad guys. What makes Superman so dull (especially in movie form) is that his biggest adversary is Lex Luthor. Ditto for the Hulk, which is why he and Wolverine have some kind of "misunderstanding" that causes them to thrash each other in a snow-covered forest about every 18 months.

Heroes with kick-ass villains are just more fun to read: Spider-Man, Batman, the Flash . . . where would the entertainment be without their respective nemesis? Or is it nemesises? Or nemesi?

In any respect, for all you aspiring super-heroes and heroines out there, this is how you cultivate a worthy adversary:

First, you find a social outcast. Video dating services from the 1980's are wildly fertile ground:



Once your future foe has established that he is suitably creepy, he must learn a few moves so he doesn't just fold at the first punch. I recommend Ketsugo from Adventure Comics #365!



That's right.... all the martial arts moves without the "mumbo-jumbo," whatever that is. Ketsugo will also do a little something-something about your acne, according to the Google.

Finally, your foe needs a creed. I mean, a bad guy who seems to be a bad guy just for the sake of being a bad guy isn't that interesting, as every issue of Iron Man will illustrate. If you have no creed handy, Smilin' Stan Lee gave us this manifesto in Daredevil v.1 #52:



I'm sure his heart was in the right place, but this is an weird forum for it. It's like if you're watching American Idol, and right before the song starts, the karaoke poser "performer" says, "So, how many folks here are pro-life?"

Anyhoo, you get your bad guy all fixed up, and you have got yourself a butt to kick and a name to take!



I know, I was in a mood today....

Daredevil's 50th Issue Extravaganza Tuesday!!

From Daredevil v.1 #50:


I'm not a big fan of telephones, and I certainly don't think I'm obliged to drop everything and answer the phone just because it's ringing. And I certainly wouldn't worry about a phone ringing while I'm having the life crushed out of me by a giant robot.

And why would Karen Page have given Matt Murdock a photo of herself, anyway? She knows he's blind! Cruel, cruel woman....




Yay for asbestos! Mom, can I have my clothes treated with asbestos like my favorite comic book hero?

I also loved the robot in this story. Apparently, you would stick a photo of someone in a device that smelled the photo and that way it knew who it was supposed to attack. Yeah, I know what I just said. The machine smelled your photo and somehow knew it was you. What's the problem?



This innocent guard will feel nothing... except the possibility of future seizures, neck surgeries, a concussion, nausea, migraines, and nerve damage! No harm, no foul! Now for his keys! Of course, I have hypersensitive fingers and could just pick the locks, but nah.

Blue People Finally Get Represented and, as Halle Berry Would Say, "The Floodgates are Opened!" Monday!

From Adventure Comics #365, where questions abound:


As a reader noted in last Thursday's post (hey, are you all reading ahead? Stop that!), the 30th Century version of a minority is blue. There still isn't a "Negro" (their term, not mine) to be seen. Why the glass ceiling broke in the Legion for blue people before black people, I have no idea.



I also have no idea why Karate Kid started speaking like Jonah Hex in that issue.


Nor do I understand why the smartest guy in the Legion started drinking water on an alien planet prior to testing it. I mean, you aren't supposed to drink the treated water in Mexico, so I can't imagine drinking water in a stagnant pond on a completely different planet as being a good idea.

You shouldn't always do what the smart guy does, because really smart people have been known to do really stupid things. I believe it is because smart people assume there is only a limited supply of intelligence in a room, and since they are obviously sucking it all up, everyone else must be a moron. But trust me, when everyone in the Legion gets the trots from swallowing a water-borne parasite, Brainiac 5 won't be looking half as smart as he thinks he is.

Emotional-Abuse-of-Animals-Plane-Crashing-Ship-Sinking-Friday!

From Adventure Comics #364:


A good Legionnaire would never consider abusing an animal. Physically.


When you find yourself emotionally abusing a caped horse, monkey, dog, cat, and whatever Proty was, you probably need to change your prescription. I mean, you're emotionally abusing a caped horse, monkey, dog, cat, and whatever Proty was.


Check out the instructional flying chart:


Yeah, I don't want to take any flying course that obviously expects your plane to become a bifurcated flaming airborne mass at one time or another. Let's at least pretend to have a little optimism here...

Cap's Hobby Hints showed up almost every issue. They were usually pretty helpful if you were into building models, which I think was a big assumption of your average comic reader, but anyhoo. This "hint" is my personal fave.


So, basically, if a model gets damaged, throw it away. It's crap, suitable only for representing all the other crap in the ocean.

Human-Turtle-Crossover-Antennae-Trivia-30th Century-Political Correctness-Thursday!

From Adventure Comics #363, the ultimate crossover event of the 1960's:


Super-Turtle popped up a few times as filler. This was about as funny as it ever got.

Then again, this is as entertaining as Superman ever gets, so there you go.



Meanwhile, I never knew this:


and I have to admit, it answers a lot of questions I never even thought to ask.


From the letters page:


Fair question. I'm not sure who the next new member of the Legion was going to be, because Tyroc wouldn't pop up for years. I'll let you know when I come upon him/her. I'm pretty sure it wasn't Luke Cage, because that would have caused the universe to collapse under the weight of all the awesomeness as he beat the crap out of every guy and slept with all the girls.

You'd totally buy a Luke Cage and the Legion of Super-Heroes series. Don't try and tell me you wouldn't.

You are Under the Spell of Taffy-Tasting, Creepy-Winking Ka-Bala!

From Adventure Comics #363:


I think if you're in the Legion, union rules state you have to be given a chance to sell yourself every few issues. Here, Matter-Eater Lad, Phantom Girl and Invisible Kid show that it takes the three of them to take out an elderly guy who looks too much like Captain Marvel's foe, Dr. Sivana. Sadly, this was about the level of competition those three could handle. Wait to beat up on an octogenarian with no super-powers, team!
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When a man winks, it's always creepy.

Hey, baby, are you an overdue library book? Because you have "fine" written all over you!
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Just in case the Ouija Board wasn't enough for your weekly family "Experiment with the Occult" night. I think the only thing missing from this was the entrails of a chicken. Everything for the little Satanist in your life!

I'm considered the liberal one in my family, but if I ever catch my child playing with anything like this, I will freak out. Guaranteed. Which means her maternal grandmother (hereafter referred to as "Gram-Gram") will find her one on Ebay just to spite me. Also guaranteed.

Oddly enough, while my parents thought I was a problem child because I listened to Christian Rock music as a teenager (it was actually quite good in the 1980's), they let my sister have a Ouija Board and didn't bat an eye. I'm as old now as my parents were when I was in my later teens, so I can see a lot of things from their perspective. This, however, I still don't get.