It's a Wild, Wacky Monday!

Two old Daredevil villains have a disagreement. Watch as the Marauder gives the Gladiator a blast that will, according to the sound effect, give him skin problems! ZIT!
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Check out the size of Night Girl's helmet. I hear NASA has extra large helmets to accommodate big hair....
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To be fair, they accounted for this in the story, but I'm gonna say it anyway:
One of us will die, unless it's me, Mon-El, or anyone with enough sense to duct tape their rod to the coffin!

Again, to be fair, they wrote their way around this in the story. To tell the truth, I was just angry that this issue teased me with the false hope that Saturn Girl was dead. I'm over it now.

Sophie's Choice Friday!

It's no secret that I loves doing me some blogging about silliness I find in comics. And yes, some entries are funnier than others, but you're only as good as what you find. Sometimes, pickings are slim.

But sometimes.... just when you thought you've seen it all, you run into a vein of "Greatest Panels in the Medium of Graphic Storytelling" and you just don't know what to do with that embarassment of riches.


The expression on Krypto's face. His dialogue. Superboy in the corner eating out of a dog dish. Can you imagine the excitement I felt when I found this?

But then:


How awesome is that?

And these are hilarious if you substitute the word "bones" for "boning." It's not that big of an adjustment, and the laugh dividends are huge. Try it!:




I had a grandmother who was an elementary school music teacher. She was one of the sweetest ladies who ever walked the earth, and she would never understand why or how I take perfectly innocent things and make them raunchy.

So, what's the Greatest Panel in the History of Graphic Storytelling?

My vote this week is Brainiac 5 smacking Saturn Girl:


You know we'll be seeing that one again!

Everything Old is New Again Thursday!

I'm not saying I could do any better, but look at this:



Am I the only one thinking this?:


Was I? Sorry. It just reminded me of that.

"I'm sorry, Miss Saturn Girl, but them pork chops was awful dry. I brought you a new can of space salmon!"

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Yeah! Girls just get in the way when it comes to real danger! Preach on, Brainy!

Seriously, people. Have you noticed that Brainiac 5's main function is to tell people they're being left out?
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Guys, the next time you're busted picking up a streetwalker, tell them you were just asking her for a Tootsie Roll and show him this ad! It won't get you off the hook, but it never hurts to have a funny story to tell the Judge....

Always Dissing the Fat Guy Wednesday!

Once again, when Brainiac 5 is telling you to step off, you've got to re-examine your social standing. Why is Brainy the guy always telling people they can't come along, anyway?

In any sense, I doubt the radio is so complicated it takes two people to answer it. If you don't want to have me along, at least make up a better excuse than that.


Ah-HA! You thought I was paranoid, didn't you? So, Bouncing Boy is handy to have at parties, but it pretty much ends there. Because, as we all know, fat people have nothing but comic relief to contribute to the world, ever.
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He has to save you, Lana? Really? He has to? I think that's a pretty strong term...

Just once I'd like to see Clark say, "Well, she got herself into this mess, and it's not like it's my job to save her or anything..."
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I'm not a veterinarian, but I don't think it's making earthquakes. Check out the expression on its face. When my dogs have that expression, I keep 'em away from my leg, if you know what I mean....

Amazing Coinkydink Tuesday!

As we did with Fire Lad, check out the amazing foresight of Lightning Lad's wardrobe choice during his origin story!


Okay, I'm confronting lightning monsters. The fact that I'm wearing lightning bolts on my clothing for no particular reason is purely coincidental....


... but look! Now I can generate lightning of my own, as a result of one of the most implausible origin stories in the history of recorded literature! How fortunate it is that I happened to be wearing this outfit just in case an unplanned exposure to an electrical field permanently gave me electrical powers! Calooh, callay!
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Wow, all you have to do is try out for the Legion and they give you a belt that enables you to fly? Why doesn't everyone try out if that's the consolation prize? Beats the heck out of Rice-a-Roni!

You know what? Even if I got through the audition, I'd decline membership. Why risk my neck on a regular basis (not to mention putting up with Saturn Girl) if I can just take the flying belt?

And on a side note, why didn't they show me Rainbow Girl's tryout? It had to be at least as entertaining as Jungle King's.... I think we should petition DC for a Tales of the Legion: Rainbow Girl mini-series.
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I don't care how much you dislike your boss, you've got it easy compared to the Legion. I don't think Cosmic Boy is even the leader of the Legion at this point. Can you imagine what he's like when he's trying to get you to buy Girl Scout Cookies, give to the United Way, or visit the Bloodmobile?

He's got his colleagues trained, though:

"I say you all should buy Thin Mints!"

"We swear it, Cosmic Boy!"

Legionaires of Questionable Practical Value Monday!

Folks, when the guy who does nothing but think tells you to step off, you should really reconsider what kind of image you are projecting as an action hero. That's like Richard Simmons telling you he doesn't think you'd be much help in a bar fight. I would think Brainy would be happy to have someone along who makes him look tough....
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I think (a) Colossal Boy is really just surprised that they have a medallion-manufacturing machine in their meeting room and (b) that it's so honkin' big! Where do you begin? I mean, in 10,000 years, that's the most streamlined version of a medallion-manufacturing machine they can come with? And why do we have one just sitting there in our headquarters, anyway? Does everyone get a medallion at the completion of a mission? Is the LSH like a Special Olympics for teenage super-heroes of the future? So many mysteries the future holds....
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I'm not a Saturn Girl fan, so take what I say with a grain of salt, but if you have time to say all that dialogue but still can't actually do anything to really help out, you should probably be sitting back at the Legion Clubhouse helping Polar Boy vandalize Brainiac 5's locker....

Mystery Date Thursday!

Hey hey! Tomorrow is Good Friday, which means offices are closed! Happy Easter to those who celebrate!

But before we go, leave us to examine the mystery of Mystery Lad! He's right here:


I would have thought the question mark denoted that no one could be sure he was toilet trained. Check out those trunks, from the friendly folks at Depends Undergarments(tm)!

Saturn Girl, who even in the early days thought it was her job to get in the middle of everything, decides that the best thing to do is to lock herself alone in a room with the new boy. Hey, shouldn't that have involved some bottle-spinning or "truth or dare" type activity? Anyway, off they go....


.... and she must have been pretty impressed, because she no longer is asking any questions. Judging by the look on her face, I'm starting to understand why Mystery Lad needs the extra large exo-athletic supporter! Hey, if you've got a large tool, you need a large shed, know what I mean?

Well, blah blah blah, it turns out that his big secret power is that he's able to change elements and he wanted to keep it a secret so no one would try to blackmail him into changing ordinary stuff into precious metals. How do we keep his elemental-based powers a secret? Cosmic Boy knows how!:


You don't want people to know he can effect elements, so you call him Element Lad?

Frankly, I'm more than a bit disappointed in Cosmic Boy. I mean, his name ("Cosmic Boy") has nothing to do with his powers (magnetism), so it's not like we're asking him to do something he's never done before. I get the feeling he's really trying to keep Element Lad in danger because he's intimidated by Element Lad's enormous schlong. See? It all comes together if you follow the schlong....

See you Monday!

The Moral Decay of Clark Kent

I was giving Night Girl, Polar Boy and Plant Lad grief about their awful costumes yesterday, but this one deserves it's own post. Check out Fire Lad's origin:


What an amazing coincidence that I was given fire-related powers! Good thing I was already wearing a fire-themed costume!
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And now, I give you the downward spiral of Clark Kent:


Yeah, my boy Clark is one bump on the head away from being a ward of the State.

Um.... I'm standing right here, Pa!

Did I tell you to quit sackin', boy?


Lana Lang: Whore.


Desperate for acceptance, Clark joins the Skinheads. But even they don't bother to learn his real name....

(yes, I know.... Clark was using a different secret ID at the time.... I was more amazed that a fraternity had a "crew cut" requirement.... no wonder I never joined anything.....)

Legion of Substitute Tuesday!

Yes, there were characters that were even sillier than Matter-Eater Lad. No one could justify putting them in the Legion, but work product is work product, so here we go....


Check out Polar Boy.... he's the guy in front that took a bunch of rejects and created the Legion of Substitute Heroes. Sadly, that's not my joke.

Polar Boy had the most inexplicable costume ever. Check out his origin:


Are you with me so far? Their sun was so hot, the heat would have killed them if they couldn't generate cold. But if it's so dang hot, why is everyone wearing gloves and ear muffs???? That sort of thing really bothers me....

and by the way, Polar Boy: Fur is Murder. Moving on.


This is a young lady I like to call "Owl's Nest-Hair Girl." That wasn't her actual name, but I like mine better. It's amazing what 30th Century V05 could do....


Why they didn't call this guy "Broccoli Boy," I'll never understand. I mean, look at him! With a battle cry of "Ho ho ho.... Broccoli Boy!" he could have been more popular than Wildfire was in the 70's.


KNEEL BEFORE THE HYPNO COIN! MAKE ATTRACTIVE WOMEN WALK LIKE ROBOTS WITH THEIR ARMS INEXPLICABLY EXTENDED! BOW BEFORE THE SOUL-CRUSHING MIGHT OF THE HYPNO COIN!

Happy St. Pat's Monday!!

Hey, hey! It's St. Patrick's Day, and I'm celebrating my Irish heritage with a look at gastronomic delights!

Yes, it's true. There are Barnetts a'plenty in Northern Ireland, and today's post goes out to my extended family on the Emerald Isle! Pass the corned beef and soda bread!


It's the first appearance of Matter-Eater Lad! He had a pretty cool costume, all things considered, but his name was very awkward and he never made sense to me. I mean, I understood that he could digest anything, but how is it that his teeth never broke? And wouldn't you hate to have him in your dorm at the Legion Clubhouse? The night-time intestinal emissions would have been horrible.
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You know, I don't care if Lana weighs 350 pounds, it isn't Clark's business to give her a glare for her food choices. Who made him Food Police? Does anyone see Clark's beeswax lying around? Because I sure don't....
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We all know Bouncing Boy loved a good meal, but he enjoyed his position as Office Supply Repo-Man for the Legion even more. Hey, Sun Boy.... got a receipt for that stapler over there? You do? Well, can I borrow it anyway? It appears I need to staple my shirt to my belt to keep my belly from oozing out....

Vice-Ridden Friday!

You know, it's bad enough when the Legion has to put signs on the meeting table to remind each other what their names are, but these annotated versions are even worse. Are they so insecure that they have to put their justification for being there right under their names?

I belong here! I do! My power is "super-disguise!"

Well, you can't have my seat! I have "super radiance!"

What is "super radiance" supposed to be? You glow in the dark or something? That's a pretty lame super-power!

It's enough to keep this seat warm, Mr. "Super-Bouncing!"

Um.... my name is "Lightning Lad," so isn't the "Super Lightning" part a bit redundant? It's not like my name has no relationship to my ability like Cosmic Boy and Saturn Girl.

Screw you, Lightning Lad!

Well, seriously, what the heck does "Saturn Girl" mean? Do you have rings of rocks and gas circling around you all the time, or what?

And so on. You see what I mean?

It's just me, isn't it? I thought so.....
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Sun Boy - shill for the tobacco industry. Unlit tobacco is like a song that's never been sung! Keep 'em lit, the Legion way!
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I'm not sure the FBI won't come calling if you do this. The open-mouthed profile, the expression on the kid's face, the promise that you'll "see what the boys and girls in America love to do".... it just sounds like you're asking to be on a sexual offender registry in your region. Stick with the Fudge Judge.

Yay! Fudge Judge! :

My Friends Live in the 30th Century and all I Got was this Flickering Lamp Thursday!

Behold, the least efficient mode of communication since Green Arrow's "Arrow Flare": The Flickering Lamp!


Everyone from the President, to the Pentagon, to the freaking police chief of Smallville, Kansas? I'm not saying the guy doesn't do an important job, but I'd sure have a seperate ringtone for the police chief of Smallville, Kansas.

Just because I might be in the tub, and I'd be a little less inclined to hop out if instead of the President, it was actually.... oh, I don't know, the police chief of Smallville, Kansas.

And, frankly, that's not the most reliable signal ever. It could mean anything from the end of the world to a light bulb that's about to go out. Is that the best method Kryptonian science could bequeath upon Clark?
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Well, "toot toot," Lightning Lad!
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I'm not sure where this is going, but Joe needs to back out of the room and try to forget he ever saw anything.
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Yay! Fudge Judge!

Bouncing Wednesday!

We're not sure your power would be useful in battle.... and we just don't care for fat people. You understand.
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Check out the expression on Cosmic Boy, the self-appointed moral compass of the Legion. The second Shrinking Violet gets in the clubhouse, he's going to be all over those groupies.

I'm not here to be idolized.... except by the chick with the headband. She can kneel at the Altar of Cosmic Boy any time!
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Superboy - Identity Thief. Dressed as Santa Claus, he fills out an application for you.... and the next thing you know, you're getting strange charges on your credit card from The Sharper Image and www.hotwetpartygirls.com (hi, Googlers!) .

Back in the Saddle Tuesday!

Again, sorry about yesterday. Blogger is normally pretty reliable and easy to use, but I guess even the best of us have off days.


Hey, check out the ultra-complicated Legion secret handshake! No way the Fatal Five will ever crack that one! Do they have a secret password, and if they do, does anyone think it isn't "password?"
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You're getting a little too dependent on Clark, Ma. I mean, are there no pot lids or .... I dunno, baking soda in the house? It's not like the whole joint is burning down around your ears. Yet.

If I were Clark, I'd put the fire out just to shut her up. But instead of doing it by blowing it out with my super-breath, I'd try something different like farting. Surely he can fart hard enough to put out a small grease fire. I mean, why wouldn't he be able to do that?

Eeeek! Clark! Don't put it out that way!

Sorry, Ma! You said to use one of my many super-powers, so I thought I'd show off a little...

Can you believe DC Comics hasn't contacted me about a writing position with them?
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Matt... my darling.... I would have waited for you forever.... but instead I'm going to become a heroin-addicted porn actress.... if only you had returned my calls....

The joke here, for you non-Daredevil fans, is that Karen Page did become a heroin-addicted porn actress, who sold Daredevil's secret identity for some smack.

I know you think I'm kidding, but I'm not.
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Ah, it feels better to blog again! Just to celebrate, let's check out another Fudge Judge! Fudge Judge! Frock! Sockamagee!