Big Pimpin' Thursday!

Maybe it's just me, but look at this picture of the upcoming Wonder Woman figure that Mike pointed out from the latest issue of Previews, one of but many fine publications I never bother to read:

Okay, now that you've seen it, help me out here. Is it the angle, or is she basically stradling that skirt? I mean, it seems to go right between her legs up front and then goes out the back. There's really not a whole lot of "skirtage" going on there. Is this some sort of Amazonian tampon device of which I'm not familiar? And hello to everyone who found this site by Googling "Amazonian tampon device!"

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Superboy - always the pimp.

And, by the way, if a chick ever comes after you with a tennis racket, it's probably time to re-evaluate how healthy the relationship truly is. The fact that she can't hurt you is irrelevant. The fact that she has it in her to whack you with a tennis racket (or baseball bat, or croquet mallet, or even a shuttlecock (hi again, Googlers!) ) tells you this might not be the best girl for you.

Can't blame the girls, though. Chicks love a man who knows how to handle his wood:


Thank you, thank you! I'll be here all week! Try the fish and tip your waitress!

I especially groove on the chorus of chicks sighing in unison. That was what constituted girl-on-girl action back in the day...
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Wow, Lois. That's some inner monologue you've got going there. Lots of detail and such.

Lois strikes me as one of those folks you never ask questions because you know the answer will be longer than a Pink Floyd guitar solo. Can you imagine what she'll be like when she's elderly?

"Miss Lane, did you want peas or carrots with lunch today?"

"You know, I'm used to having peas and carrots as one dish. Sometimes, I get a little of both and mix them together if they aren't mixed already. I don't know when they quit packaging peas and carrots together. Maybe that's what they call 'mixed vegetables,' with the addition of corn, green beans, and limas. Some folks call lima beans 'Great Northern Beans.' They also started calling prunes 'Dried Plums,' because people didn't like the sound of 'prunes.' I can also recall when cereals had sugar in their title, like Kellog's Sugar Frosted Flakes and Super Sugar Crisp and Sugar Smacks. They didn't change the recipe, just the name. Like when Kentucky Fried Chicken changed their name to KFC. You wouldn't think they'd fool anyone, but sure enough, this generation thinks of them as KFC. I like my fuzzy slippers."

There is no cure.....

Word to the Wise Wednesday!

I know I make a lot of stupid jokes around here, and I'm usually proud of that. I don't see what's wrong with giving people a chuckle every day, and if that's all I'm ever known for, I think that's a life well spent.

But, folks, hear me now. If you remember nothing I ever put in this column, remember this: No matter who you are, no matter what your personal beliefs, no matter how wealthy or powerful you might be -


.... don't f*ck with Krypto.

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What the heck? Were children smoking pipes in 1959? What's up with that?

And why is there a "no smoking" sign outdoors? What kind of America did we have going on back then? No wonder I don't understand most of what my grandfather says....

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Oh, Roy, you never truly get over your first love, do you? But this can be a real growth experience if you channel that angst into something positive....



.... oh. Never mind.

Canine-Crazy Tuesday!

Because dogs rock!


This was an acquired taste. At first, my eyes rolled into the back of my head at just how silly this story had become. A giant Krypto with space rabies. Because we all know dogs normally get rabies from radiation exposure, so it only makes sense that Krypto would get rabies, only more so. Right? Right?

But then I re-read the first panel. Come here, Krypto, so that I might discipline you! Uh... Krypto? Why are you growling at me with your jaws wide open? It's the total "oh sh!t" thing going on there that actually makes this one of my favorite panel sequences, ever.

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I have a few questions:

How do you chemically treat fabric to make it freakin' bulletproof?

Is it even necessary to make it bulletproof? I mean, Krypto's already bulletproof, so I'm not sure what the point is here?

What the heck is Pa Kent doing with big straps of leather in his store? There's only one kind of store I can think of that sells those, and I'm surprised they didn't have an ordinance against it in 1930's Smallville, Kansas.

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Interesting fact you can use to impress your friends: Superboy is apparently a dog himself. Thanks to contributor sPat for pointing that out!

Surreal Superboy Monday!

Here's a trifecta of Superboy weirdness courtesy of contributor sPat!


Yes, folks. Superboy is bending light itself. Remember when Johnny Storm made a "heat mirage" by making a bundle of dynamite appear that was really 100 feet underground? Same principle. Could totally happen. At least, that's what I'll tell my brother-in-law, right after I tell him how wrong he is in a diagnosis because it completely conflicts with something I saw on House. It's fun to watch smart people get migraines from stupidity.

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Two Questions: Is this supposed to be the real Johnny Carson? And what was he doing with those glasses in the locker room?

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This explains so much about Superman....

What The-? Friday!

I'm still reeling from my overdose of Kaptain Kool & the Kongs, so let's check out a few panels that are blowing my mind, contributed by pal sPat!


Ok, what did Jimmy Olson wish for that would result in him riding the baloney pony? Or did I just answer my own unfortunate question?

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The squirrel lamp plan is disturbing, but even more so is that they apparently expect you to go out and kill the squirrel yourself.

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The unknown sixth member of Kaptain Kool & the Kongs - Super-Cool Cat!

Dang it! I've got the Kongs in my brain now(wow-wow, a super-dooper party pooper)! Look at what you've done!

Kaptain Kool & the Kongs

Oh, dear readers, did you forget 1977 entirely? Not that I blame you, but come on!

Kaptain Kool & the Kongs were the hosts/house band for the awful Krofft Supershow back in the 1970's. The first season, they were a glam rock band that (although it was never admitted to) apparently huffed a lot of paint. They looked like this the first season:



As if that weren't scary enough, you can see them introduce themselves here.

The show was an awful, and not even in a good way, mixing of horrible shows that Sid & Marty Krofft couldn't foist on the public individually. The first season included Wonderbug:



and Deidre Hall hoping you didn't see her in the title role of Electra Woman:



Just to make you afraid to ask me to remember any more about this train wreck of a television program, here's the opening intro from a first season show.



After the first season, someone apparently put the bong down long enough to see that this was pretty bad, even by Saturday morning network television standards, and cleaned up the show. Sorta. First, they dressed Kaptain Kool & the Kongs like the Fonz:



And they replaced all the mini-shows except Wonderbug with more dignified programming like Bigfoot & Wildboy, the heartwarming tale of a Sasquatch and the kid he was raising for some reason, although the guy who played Wildboy was easily in his twenties:



And, before you accuse me of going totally off-topic, there was even a comic book put out by Whitman. So there!



It lasted six issues. And before you turn up your nose at the fact it only lasted six issues, keep in mind that this is half of the lifespan of Nextwave, so it's not like we know good stuff when we see it these days, either.

Be careful when you ask me questions, dear ones. Sometimes, the answer is this.

Now, just to freak you out even further, the guys in the band actually have some cred. The guy who played "Flatbush" was Bert Sommer, who played a solo gig at Woodstock and the guy who played Turkey was the drummer for Three Dog Night. A halfway decent performance can be found here.

And, by the way - the guy who played Kaptain Kool became a well-known director, having directed a slew of popular sitcoms and the last two installments of the Santa Clause movies. He also won an Emmy for his work on Friends (yes, the one with Jennifer Aniston).

You'll find as you go through life that really strange things happen....

Evolved-Thinking Wednesday!

Before we get to the yocks, I know that everyone in the comics community is mourning the death of Heath Ledger, who plays the Joker in the upcoming The Dark Knight. From what I've heard, Heath was a stand-up guy, and the world is always a little worse when the good ones depart. I'm sure I can speak on behalf of everyone who reads this column sends their best wishes to Heath and his loved ones.

Professionally, it looks like Ledger gave an amazing performance in Dark Night, and I hope Warner Brothers doesn't keep audiences from enjoying it by holding back the release date. I find it hard to believe that's what Heath would have wanted.

And, in that spirit, let's enjoy a little panel silliness, shall we?


Why is Batman so badass? Because he has a butler, but he can still domestically enslave his woman. No, Alfred, don't you clean my toilet - let Kathy do it. Someone needs to learn her place! Panel contributed by sPat.

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Sterotypes are wrong. That being said, give the green guy a lisp. Go ahead - he's called the Rainbow Raider (not the Flash villain of later days), and he's threatening a guy called "Muscle Man." It may not be politically correct, but it's wickedly delicious. "I'll tho YOU, Muthle Man!"

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In the bully's defense, it's hard to not trip someone talking about how swell Bob Hope is. Some things you can chalk up to camp value, while others will just never be anything more than an invitation to a beating. If you're a fan of Bob Hope, just keep it to yourself. That's like wearing a Kaptain Kool & the Kongs T-Shirt. Just keep it to yourself.

Spring-Cleaning Tuesday!

Hope everyone had a great MLK weekend! Let's clean out the joke closet, shall we?

Remember last week, when Ma and Pa Kent were so lonely for their alien son that they adopted an alien son loaner for a month? Ever wonder what happened to him? Wonder no more!


Isn't it great how people used to toss big hunks of trash into the ocean and it was no big deal? Got a flaming wreckage and don't know where to put it? Well, screw the dolphins, because the ocean is really just the world's toilet, right?

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The following is my last A Christmas Story reference of the season:


It was.... soap poisoning!

And I'm not saying I would be any less hysterical if I went blind, but I expect the so-called "World's Greatest Super-Hero" to be a little less wussified...

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A beauty from eagle-eyed reader sPat:


I think that's overstating it, Perry. I'm sure Gay City doesn't have much of a social scene for women, but that hardly qualifies as dangerous....

Before we resume the nail-biting saga we began yesterday, check out my interview on Angry Seafood right 'chere!

So, when last we left the Kents, they were showing just how unattached they were to Clark Kent by immediately replacing him with an orphan. Like they did before.


We'll perk him right up with home cookin' and kindness.... and then ship his ass back to the orphanage! We're such great people!


Uh-oh.... keep the car running, Pa! If he walks out of there wearing a dress, we ain't waitin' a month!


Oh, the kid we've taken in has super-powers. Like before.

Do you get the feeling we've gone full circle? No wonder they brought the Legion of Super-Heroes into the storyline.... we'll get to them soon (but not soon enough)!

Meanwhile, a big shout-out to eagle-eyed reader sPat, who rightfully pointed out that a comic book humor blog without the infamous "golden rain" panel is a sad thing, indeed! We'll fix that:



No matter how thirsty you are, Kara.... don't swallow.

Family Values Thursday!

I admit I'm out of touch with today's society. Why millions of you tune into American Idol to watch one-dimensional talents perform glorified karaoke while only a handful of people will ever see this amazing little girl just boggles my mind.

But, hey, if I wasn't all grumpy about the world, it wouldn't be a very interesting column, would it? So, here is the first in a two-part series on how strong family values were back in the "good old days."


Apparently, remodelling was cause to lease out children by the month.... just the sort of thing you want to inflict on children whose foundations have already been shattered.

And how impulsive are the Kents about the whole thing? I've given more thought as to whether I should stop for gas...


Hurry, hurry, hurry! Grab yourself an orphan before it's too late! My prices are so low, I'm practically giving children away!



Now, now.... don't get to comfortable calling us "Ma" and "Pa." We'll be shipping your ass right back here before your butt makes a dent on our couch.

I can't wait to see how all this turns out tomorrow, can you?

Theological Wednesday....

I guess I should'a waited a day and gone with Theological Thursday, but hey.... always expect the unexpected with CMNS!

This page is from the awesome JLA: Paradise Lost Mini Series. Check out the rule on suicide:



Okay, are we together? According to this, suicide is an instant ticket to Hell. I don't really buy that, of course, but it's just a comic, so let's go with that. Even Zauriel, an angel in good standing with God who can only be killed because he agreed to give up immortality to walk among people, can't take his own life. Okay? According to this, the angel himself will go to Hell if he takes his own life.

Fast Forward to JLA: Judgment Day. One group of heroes is in Hell, this group just left Heaven and went to Purgatory, where otherwise good men can't get into Heaven because of their moral compromises. Hey, who's that? :



Yup, that's the Vigilante. Anyone besides me remember how he died? For non-comic readers, he blew his own brains out in Vigilante Vol. 1 No. 50. And it wasn't one of those, "the reader comes in after the fact so who knows what really happened" things. We were there while he thought about it, loaded the gun, and pulled the trigger.

On the one hand, I liked Adrian Chase, and was glad to see he didn't go to Hell for an unfortunate end to an otherwise well-intentioned existence. Then again, while I'm not a tremendous stickler for continuity, isn't this something that we should settle at the editorial meetings before things go to print?

Anyone wanna try and explain how Vig got around that one?
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I know - it wasn't very funny, but it bugged me. How's this:



I'm sure many a child reading comics in the sixties needed a new set of dentures. From DuPont, no less!

It's So Wrong, It Must Be Tuesday!

The dorkiest hero since King Kandy..... what nerd thought this one up? If I wanted to learn something worthwhile, I sure wouldn't have been reading Dial H!
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It's not the life size space capsule that caught my eye, although you can imagine the horror someone's mother felt when their child "won" this huge eyesore.... it's like the "major award" Ralphie's father won in A Christmas Story.

No, what really blew my mind, Daddy-O, is that someone lumped in Paul Revere & the Raiders with the Beatles and the Stones:

Speaking Before We Think Monday!

And this is how I cut everything like I cut the cheese! Does that answer your question? Why is everyone laughing?

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So, now we're the "World's Greatest Heroine," are we? Apparently, super self-esteem runs in the family. Is there a square on that game where she ruins the Legion of Super-Heroes, or is that in a later version?

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Even as a plastic model, the Green Hornet tends to forget that Kato can kick his ass at any time.

The Velocity Kid, the Hoop-A-Jet, and Skittle Bowl Friday!

The Velocity Kid had to be the least popular super-hero in the history of the world. The guy's power comes from that siren on his chest that, near as I can tell, doesn't turn off. I mean, I'm sure Banshee wasn't exactly first picked to play kickball among the X-Men because of that shrieking thing, but at least he'd stop to take a breath every now and then.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEstop what you're doing, evildoers!EEEEEEEEEEEcan I be of assistanceEEEEEEEEEEEEdoes anyone want to split a pizzaEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEwhy won't anyone talk to meEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...........
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This has got to be the least stable form of transportation since the Black Racer slapped on those ridiculous skis. Does anyone care to hazard a guess as to what happens at the first strong cross-wind? Thump! Right on its side! With those jets still going and the Hoopster frantically trying to pull it back upright while laughing criminals are giving him the finger. Get a horse!

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Hey, hey! It's Skittle Bowl! I remember seeing a couple of these in my day. I can't imagine there not being all kinds of Skittle Bowl related injuries. There's not a kid alive who wouldn't think it funny to whip that ball around the post at breakneck speed, administering many a lump on the noggins of his opponents. Don't act like you don't see it.

Pretty, pretty Thursday!

Welcome the newest Costume Hall of Shame Inductee, the Yankee Doodle Kid! Yes, it's like shooting fish in a barrel when it comes to slamming on the Dial H for Hero roster, but check out those duds! You want to turn away, but you can't! Is it the yellow cape, the diseased bird on his skull cap, or the simulated breeches that just burn into your retinas like the last surge of a dying sun?

I'm going with breeches. That never works. It didn't work for the Spirit of '76 either, but he gets a pass for dying heroically.
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Those boobs of mine messed up the job! Well, someone has body issues!

I know, I know.... but you can't use the word "boobs" in any context without asking for ridicule. Try it. Call someone a boob in a crowded room and see what kind of reaction you get.
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This is my new favorite toy, ever. Oh, the fun I could have had. Heck, the fun I could have! Anybody have this in their attic somewhere?