FOOLS! FOOLS! FUTILE, FUMBLING FOOLS!

Someone was nice enough to send me Captain Video #3 so I could check it out, and boy am I glad I did!  You can't even get past the inside front cover before you start shaking your head.  Thusly:

Obey!  OBEY!  OBEY!!!!!

And now it's time for some Fun with Out of Context Artwork! (tm!):

Which, of course, leads me to Fun with Out of Context Dialogue! (tm!):

AWESOME!

And to wrap it up, let's check out a CMNS Moment of Comic Book Greatness! (tm!):

Ah.  Good stuff.

So, as you may recall, we had taken a look the other day at the Golden Age Flash literally smacking someone's nose clean off their face.  I told you I would get a professional opinion as to what the true consequences of this would be, and Adam delivers!

I consulted an actual Ear Nose and Throat M.D.  Yup, a licensed medical doctor, whose name shall remain anonymous because of the national embarrassment recognition it would bring.  I can say from past experience that being part of the Internet's Least Favorite Blog (tm!) is a chick magnet, and he doesn't have time to answer all the fan mail from the ladies that it would no doubt bring.

Anyway, this is his answer:

"If a dude's nose was literally flattened to their face from any sort of blow there are two scenarios - most likely the sustained a naso-orbital-ethmoid complex fracture- broke the bone of the nose and everything they attached to. There need surgery to repair - usually done at 10 - 14 days after the incident - a fairly complicated deal that has taken me as much as 6 hours to try to get it right. lots of little puzzle pieces to go together.

the other possibility is just very smashed nasal bones without the rest - almost never happens but could. In this case they would need cosmetic surgery to do bone grafting or cartilage grafting or something else usually done 6 - 12 months after the even.

in both cases a sever smash is likely permanent unless repaired if it is depressed into their face. twisted fractures that aren't depressed can be popped back."

And now we know!  Yay!  Thanks, Doc!

See you tomorrow!

... Like Something Nasty is About to Happen!

Check this out:

Stupid Comics Code Authority.

For you non-comic book nerdlingers: Phantom Lady was notorious for wearing an outfit that was much more revealing, but then there was the whole Seduction of the Innocent and subsequent Congressional investigation that brought about the Comics Code Authority and ruined it for everyone.

And yup, she wore blue and red when Fox Feature Syndicate published her in the mid-1940's.  This particular issue came from the short-lived Ajax-Farrell Publication run. She wouldn't go back to her original yellow-and-green until DC Comics revived a bunch of Quality characters in the awesome yet short-lived Freedom Fighters and Plastic Man titles of the 1970's.

But this issue did have a graphic depiction of a guy getting his teeth knocked out by a cue ball, so there's that:

As is often the case, the whole "secret identity" thing bothers me.  Thusly:

Okay, she's well-known in the Pentagon.  Got that?  She's the daughter of a Senator, and is familiar enough that the the guards know who she is.  Are you with me?

And here she is as Phantom Lady a few moments later:

No mask at all.  She doesn't even put on a wig.  No glasses, no nothing.  She's well-known around the joint, but she parades around in a costume that does nothing to alter her facial features and no one says a thing.

I think she was recognized all over the place, but her daddy the Senator told everyone to play along.  That's how life works.

Enough of that.  It's time for some Fun with Out of Context Dialogue! (tm!)

Yeah!  Take that, Comics Code Authority!

Heh.

See you Monday!

BAW! I Ain't Got No Nose!

Well, I thought we were finished with All-Flash Quarterly #25, but when the last story is, well....

Yes, it's about a mermaid who brings gold furniture out of the ocean for Winky, Blinky and Noddy.  How could I not immortalize that one for the ages?

She's apparently also insanely strong, able to balance a couch on top of a single cushion of some sorts, and is able to walk on that fish tail thing of hers.

In short, she may well be the greatest character in the history of the medium.

But she's not the goofiest thing in the story, though.  This is:

Okay?  Now watch what he does.

And yes, I totally see the "giving him a hummer" joke there, but we're taking the high road today.  Work with me, people!

The end result?  He rubs the guys nose clean off his face:

And just in case you're thinking that it's just a detail lost in the distance, we have a confirmation:

And two panels later, it's back.  For no particular reason:

Okay, what just happened there?  Did he rub the guy's nose off his face?  If so, wouldn't it have re-formed?  Hmmmm... I'm going to consult with an ENT doctor and find out.

You think I'm kidding.  I'm totally not.  Just watch me.

Meanwhile, here's an interesting piece of history:

Yes, from 1933 to 1975, it was illegal to own big hunks of gold like that.  Apparently, everyone was hoarding gold and it was stalling economic growth (something needed even more back then than it is now).  You could do up to ten years in the slam.

That tickled me.  Ha! Ha!  You can't fool me!

Yup.  That was Federal time you were looking at.  

Like I said, President Ford put a stop to that effective January 1st, 1975.  You still can't use gold as money in a contract, but you can stockpile all of it that you can't get your grubby little mitts on.

Or, if you're uncomfortable about it, feel free to mail it to me.

See you tomorrow!

I'm Kept Jitterbugging ALL THE TIME!

Finishing up our look at All-Flash Quarterly #25, we come upon the secret villainous origin of Slapsy Simmons:

Yes... seething with bitter resentment that he can't shuck and jive with the best of them, Slapsy develops a hatred for dancing and music that will (of course) lead him to a life of crime.  It's not like he can just keep his radio turned off and not go dancing... NO!  He must instead embark on a life of crime!

Is it just me, or should a guy with this kind of origin totally be a Batman villain?  And who is that lady giving him the disapproving stare?

Anyway, he commits crimes that seem limited to dance halls, which would make him pretty easy to catch if he wasn't already doing you a favor by committing crimes blindfolded:

The victim doesn't look particularly outraged.  That's just an observation.  I'm not trying to imply anything here.  It also looks like Slapsy's gun would be pointed at the victim's crotch, which makes me even more curious as to why the victim isn't more demonstrably upset.  But I'm not in the guy's shoes, and I'm not here to judge, so moving on...

to a CMNS Moment of Comic Book Greatness! (tm!):

This has been a CMNS Moment of Comic Book Greatness! (tm!)

All in all, it was pretty disappointing.  Slapsy was basically a normal hood who took his shortcomings way too seriously, but not so much that he'd be a candidate for Arkham Asylum.  Jay didn't have the quality of rogues that his successor would enjoy:

Indeed.

See you tomorrow!

You're No Tin Ears! You Catch!

A little movie-going fun from Superman Family #166, courtesy of contributor Robert Gillis!:

So, Jimmy Olsen is that guy.  He's the one who assumes he's the only one who is capable of understanding what is going on in the movie, so he has to give you a play-by-play.  Is anyone surprised?  Certainly not me.

Great one, Robert!  Thanks again!

So, I'm looking at All-Flash Quarterly #25, and I was stopped in my tracks by the sheer awesomeness potential of the story.  Considering the greatness of the "Roy Revenge" saga, the rest of the series hasn't quite lived up to that potential.

But, my friends, we are about to be rewarded for my persistence.  I can feel it in my bones.

Thusly:

Yes, Ally Gates... a man who apparently cannot stop "jitterbugging."  And he doesn't seem to mind.

Okay, that hovered somewhere between jitterbugging and a grand mal seizure.  I mean, this is how you jitterbug (or so this lady would you believe):

And I don't see anyone throwing themselves on the floor and doing a handstand.  But Ally Gates calls it jitterbugging, so it's all good!  Everyone jitterbug!:

I'm not sure that forcing someone to jitterbug with you isn't some sort of sexual battery, but I'd have to actually read the laws of whatever State you find Keystone City in to be certain.

So, is that all there is to the story?  You know better than that!

Yep, take a rest, Joan!  Because tomorrow, we'll look further into "The Flash Cuts a Rug!"

Yes, that's the title of the story.  You can see why I'm not rushing through this.

See you tomorrow!

To Be Fair, Not Every Super Villain Can Be a Genius

Happy Monday!  Let's take a look at the origin of Styx from Amazing Spider-Man #333:

A fair question, indeed.  I'll save you all the narrative and tell you that, as always, you should never agree to be part of experimental treatments in comics.  Just don't do it.  It will rarely end well.

Anyway, bottom line:

Okay... everyone got that?  He's a living cancer, thusly:

Only I don't think that's how cancer works.  Cancer is a growth of cells.  I mean, I'm not an oncologist, but cancer is what happens when cells don't die like they're supposed to.

So, say it with me.....

That doesn't work that way! (tm!)

Watch and someone will tell me how I'm totally wrong. 

Eh, it wouldn't be the first time.

Now consider this:

When I was in college in the late 80's, if a chick didn't have hair like this, she was way out of style.  True story.

See you tomorrow!

Tramp! Plap!

Hey!  It's time for Fun with Out of Context Artwork! (tm!)

Few suspected that Peter Parker wore a full face mask in his secret identity as Spider-Man to hide the telltale growth on his face shaped like the Black Cat.  

That was courtesy of Amazing Spider-Man #330.  In the next issue, we got a Random Slap! (tm!):

Plap, indeed!

Also in Amazing Spider-Man #331, we see the most implausible governmental conspiracy ever:

You can see how aghast the guys are that the plot came to this.  I wouldn't want to be part of any story like that either.  Just to be clear, cocaine is perishable, so you can't stockpile it (at least not for an indefinite period of time like you can gold).  So, the plan is to just keep shoveling the new coke in and have a little party after Congressional sessions to get rid of the supply getting close to its expiration date?

So no, stupid government guy, cocaine won't always maintain its value.  It will expire like that peach yogurt you have sitting in the back of your fridge.

Yeesh.

And it's none of yer beeswax how I happen to know that.

See you Monday!

The Kind of Trouble Where My Spaceship Blows Up with Me Inside It, Mission Control!

And now, another installment of Ya THINK? (tm!), courtesy of Space Adventures #36:

"In trouble," you say?

Ya THINK? (tm!)

This has been another installment of: Ya THINK?

From All-Flash Quarterly #23, it's time for Fun with Out of Context Dialogue! (tm!):

You know, if the woman in my wife looked like Joan there, I'd probably try out the other team myself. I like to think I'm secure enough in myself that I wouldn't try and suppress the memories, though.

Here's a simple explanation for time travel that makes zero sense: 

What?  I don't think time "travels" that way at all.

I'm inducting this panel into That Doesn't Work That Way (tm!) unless someone can convince me otherwise.  And no, just because Superman made time go in reverse by flying in the opposite direction of the Earth's rotation in the movies doesn't count.

See you tomorrow!

A Hacksaw to the Head of a Stupid Child Can Only Help!

We've been having some techno issues, so let's make up for it with a super-sized post, courtesy of All-Flash Quarterly #22!

That can't be right, but for the life of me I can't figure out why it isn't.

There was a story in there that was re-drawn in the 1970's.  I remember that story by heart, so it was kind of fun to see the original artwork.  But here's what I don't understand:

Okay, it isn't that Joan is the least attractive woman since Olive Oyl.  It's something else.  Read on:

Okay, if you're just going to stick it in an envelope and mail it, why go through all the hoo-hah?  I mean, I would imagine it takes a lot more attention-grabbing activity to glue a playing card together and stick that in the mail than it would to just shove a piece of paper in there.  It's not Ace suspected Deuces at that time and was watching him 24/7.  Heck, Deuces could have just picked up the phone rather than risk getting caught in this elaborate scheme (or run the risk that no one would have figured out to steam the card open).

  Don't overthink your capers, people.  Learn from this.

Here's a couple of things from All-Flash Quarterly #24:

Man boys are ordering an extra copy of the Daisy handbook for their girlfriends?  I'm sorry, but I need to see some proof of that.

And now, a CMNS Moment of Comic Book Greatness (tm!):

That was a CMNS Moment of Comic Book Greatness! (tm!)

See you tomorrow!

A Small Blast of Rollo's Tootsie Tooter!

Okay, here's my thing:

The whole point of a story where Mysterio is the guest villain is that no one is supposed to know Mysterio is the guest villain.  Throughout this entire ish, Spidey is all "Whoa! What?"  But you knew before the splash page exactly what was going on.

Hey!  Courtest of All-Flash Quarterly #21, it's time for some Fun with Out of Context Dialogue (tm!)

I'm not sure, but that may be my most favorite Fun with Out of Context Dialogue (tm!) ever.

And, just like last time, Captain Tootsie is verbally abusive to the kid with weight issues:

And if we're wondering why the kid is a little husky, maybe it's because you have to roller skate 2 1/2 miles for every single one of those candies Captain Tootsie keeps pushing on the children:

Look, you don't get to hassle someone about their weight if giving them high-calorie treats is your reward system.  I'm just saying.

Ahhhhh... good to be back, my lovelies!  See you tomorrow!