Wednesday, March 16, 2011

In the Days Before Cell Phones We Contacted People by Jumping Off Cliffs Wednesday!

Kids, we're going to let contributing pal Robert Gillis take the helm not only with his pics, but with his commentary, because it's just that awesome.

From Lois Lane #40:

Next up — while admittedly a dream sequence, Lois has been transformed into an old hag because she messed around with an aging formula. 

She goes back to HER apartment, you know, where LOIS pays the rent. Lucy comes home from abroad, and is her first concern for her only sibling, who has aged 80 years overnight? Nope — Lucy can’t tell her boyfriends (plural, not Jimmy) that Lois is her sister because they’ll think LUCY is OLD! So Lois will have to leave. Lois caves and says, “If that’s the way you want it.” And goes out into the cold rain to basically freeze to death.What Lois should have said: “Listen, jerk, I’m kinda in a bad situation, having aged 80 years in a day and all, and I pay the rent here, so if you can’t rustle up a molecule of compassion for me, how about YOU get the hell out?” Would’ve paid real money to see that.

Next up is how NOT to fly a plane, from Lois Lane #34. Lana Lang has just got her pilot license YESTERDAY. And she and Lois are taking off without parachutes!

What could possibly go wrong?

How about a mid-air collision with a commercial airliner? As Lois and Lana plunge to their (we can only hope) deaths, Lana blame herself for the crash because, wait for it … She didn’t consult the control tower about the flight patterns of all incoming traffic! Don’t they teach that in flight school anymore?
Are you kidding me? I mean, seriously, No properly filed flight plan, no safety equipment, and she nearly takes down a commercial air liner! Does Lois consider all this while gravity is taking hold of the situation at 125 mph?
Nope, because Superman is on the scene! Whomever he rescues first will prove who he cares for more. And that’s MUCH more important than the jet liner in the death spiral, hurtling toward the busload of kittens and orphans.
So we have a commercial airliner that has, oh, I dunno, two hundred or so innocent people on board, (not to mention a pilot and co-pilot who follow the damn rules), possibly making an emergency landing into a gasoline factory or something.
Does Superman even MENTION that?

Nope, Superman acts like he’s blowing his nose to land Lana and Lois at the same moment.
Safe on the ground, does Lana “dumbest flight school graduate ever” Lang ask Superman to check the commercial air liner, or contact air traffic control, or promise never to be so reckless again? Does she offer to pay for the plane she disintegrated or ask of the debris raining down fiery death hurt anyone? Does Lois berate Lana for grievous stupidly? Nope — The wonder duo is left wondering who Superman prefers. Sheesh.
What would be awesome: The FAA arrives, takes away Lana’s pilot license, and arrests her for endangering lives and grievous stupidity.
Speaking of stupidity, we wrap up with a scene from Lois Lane #34: In this “imaginary story” (aren’t they all?) in which Lois marries Lex Luther, Lois is stalled on a seldom-traveled road and needs to file a story on time. So what does she do?:

SHE JUMPS OFF A CLIFF, assuming Superman will save her and fly her to the office. But alas, Superman has “fooled” her (In other words, he’s probably off stopping a nuclear disaster in a distant galaxy or something). So Lois goes splat for real and ends up with Dain Brammage. Yeah, she makes a full recovery, but c’mon, there’s brave, there’s reckless, and then just incredibly galactically stupid. Lois wasn’t in ANY danger, she would have just missed a filing deadline.

Robert, that was just awesome work. Does anyone not think Robert ought to take over this blog when I retire?  Come on, people!  Talk him into it!

See you tomorrow!


Elizabeth said...

Isn't that last one a plot point in one of the Twilight books? I haven't read them myself, so I can't be sure, but I think there's a bit in there about the dull heroine doing stupid crap because she thinks the pretty vampire boy will rescue her, or because it gives her hallucinations of him, or something.

Britt Reid said...

The inevitable end-result of Lois' continually jumping out windows and off cliffs...

D.B. Echo said...

Awesome work!

Gotta love the bridge with the just-high-enough-to-trip-over railings. Maybe they would have protected kids in pedalcars. but everybody else would be totally doomed.

D.B. Echo said...

BrittReid, I always loved how the DC artists could let loose on PLOP! and show superheroes doing stuff they normally couldn't get away with, like the Flash cheating at cards.

Justin Garrett Blum said...

Jesus...Lois Lane...I feel like beating my head against a wall after reading those pages.

Great fill-in by Robert. Really funny commentary.

Adam Barnett said...

I know, isn't he great? He should totally take over the shop!

Fred W. Hill said...

Egads, the art's not too bad, but the actual stories and dialogue are atrocious! The sort of stuff that turned me off DC when I was a kid and made me turn to Marvel for my 4-color jollies. Stan & company put out some ridiculous fare too but were not as routinely insanely stupid as these yarns.

Unknown said...

Please, Robert? I don't know what I will do after Adam stops. If I can't get my daily fix of CMNS I will just have to start crying myself to sleep.