Monday, March 21, 2011

The Greatest Lois Lane Story Ever Told Monday!

Okay, we tried last week to give Robert Gillis's account of what may be the most ridonkulous Lois Lane story of all time, and I had to scrap it because the pics just weren't getting bigger.  So, let's give it a go.  I'll do this story three pages at a time because... yes, it's that awesome.  Without further ado, I'll turn it over to Robert!:

While Silver Age comic book are always ripe for mocking, it’s rare that an entire story gets the detailed analysis (read: mocking) treatment. Welcome to July 1963, when Lois Lane #42 hit the stands. While most (if not all) of these early issues had Lois trying to get Superman to marry her (usually in some elaborate scheme), this particular epic, “The romance of Superbaby and Baby Lois” stretches even silver-age logic to the max, and as usual, snaps reality like a piece of taffy!

Speaking of reality, it should be noted that the lead story of the issue was Lois visiting Atlantis, and accidentally being sent back in time when a flashbulb scared some electric eels into activating a time belt (really) and Lois nearly destroys Atlantis (or at least had a hand in its sinking). The end story was Lois finding a real monkey’s paw that grants three wishes. But of course, 1960s comics were known for dealing with contemporary issues head on.


I love the opening panel. Superman (now a baby) can’t find any way out of this wedding. I’ll haphazard a guess on this one, Superman, as the way out is easy: YOU’RE A BABY! And so is your fianc√©! And these baby romances never work — just look at Stewie Griffin and Olivia.

 Lois is finally convinced Clark Kent isn’t Superman. Um, since when? The defining aspect of her character for decades was trying to prove Clark was Superman! And one of these “he-men” in the photos is supposedly Superman? Lois, here’s a safe bet — it’s probably not the guy with the RIFLE.

Superman has drilled a new reservoir pipeline thingy and switches to Clark, hears his picture get taken, switches back to Superman, and races out. Now, at this point, he KNOWS someone has just taken his picture, and for a guy that can travel at the speed of light, grab the camera and destroy the evidence, he lets Lois yammer on, and watches her place the camera in the lead box around her waist. Smooth.

So <> occurs and Lois has a car accident and bumps her head. Guy she hits claims to be a doctor (suuureee he is, all the serial killers say that) and wants to X-RAY her head — because you know, in any insurance claim, you want the doctor YOU HIT evaluating your medical condition. Saves a bundle in legal fees and court time. For him.

So the doctor — we now know he’s a doctor because he puts on his stereotypical head mirror thingy. Extensive research (Wikipedia) informs us that a head mirror is (or was) mostly used for examination of the ear, nose & throat — exactly what Lois ISN’T complaining about, but we have no other way of proving this guy is a doctor.

Anyway, he takes the X-rays, and … wait for it … they show that Lois received a shock that, “… temporarily causes a personality change that’s bound to affect her in some abnormal way.” WOW, that’s damned impressive for 1963 and an X-RAY that pretty much looks like a cartoon skull. I mean, MRIs and detailed computer brain scans in 2011 don’t reveal the brain’s secrets, but Dr. Light here got that diagnosis from an X-Ray that looks like a Halloween decoration. He’s ahead of his time!

Except of course, he missed the little things — like getting Lois’ name. What, they didn’t switch insurance cards or anything? The nurse didn’t ask?

But the personality change has taken place, and Lois has become a “ruthless female.” Redundant, your honor. Move to strike.

So, when confronted, does Superman: say, “Hey, Lois, I’ve saved your life about, oh, I dunno, seven trillion gazillion times, and my secret identity is the only way I can be myself and have a private life, so don’t develop the film, because if you do, the next time your helicopter crashes into the roof of the Daily Planet or your sitting on a hydrogen bomb in Paris, I’m going to choose that time to vacation on the moon, capiche?” Nope, he does, as Lieutenant Worf says, “beg like a human.”

And Lois will destroy the picture only if Superman marries her the next day. Ah, true love, and a marriage based on trust. Nice. - Robert

Whee!  Isn't this awesome?  And then there's the issue of grounds for annulment five minutes after the ceremony because Superman was coerced into entering the legal contract of marriage, not to mention the extreme likelihood that Clark will teach himself the concept of wife-beating if they don't get an annulment, but whatevs.  Great work, Robert!  We'll pick it up again on Monday! - adam


Unknown said...

Is there any official word that Ronert will be taking over?

Britt Reid said...

So, why didn't Supes heat-vison the belt and grab the lead box?
The real answer is that we wouldn't have a story, but even as a 10-year old, that's what I would've asked...

Adam Barnett said...

I wish, Marv, but I don't think he's up to doing the daily grind. :-(

Anonymous said...

Correct -- I appreciate the compliments and LOVE mocking the silver age but no one can fill Adam's shoes to provide this ort of thing daily! Already dreading November, my friends, but will keep submitting some good stuff for Adam to post in the meantime :)

Lazarus Lupin said...

We've had the baby loony toons, and muppet babies... (why not loonytoon babies and baby muppets.. oh well) after seeing baby superman I want to go to the next level and have the baby JSA. they are adorable and fight crime.

Lazarus Lupin
art and review

SallyP said...

Oh Lois, Lois, Lois. Your insane shenanigans have brightened my dull and mundane existance.