Why Should I be Tortured?

Let's start our week taking a look at Golden Age Green Lantern #13, which has the awesome origin of Dinah Mite, Sound Effects Person:

Why should you care?  Well, she is apparently a huge deal in Alan Scott's life and we just overlooked it for the previous 12 issues:

I share Dinah's surprise.  It's not like we've ever seen them dating or anything.  As far as I know, Alan just launched right into marriage.  I applaud Alan for his gusto-going, but I just don't know that marriage should be your opening volley when it comes to courting.

But it doesn't end there.  Doiby Dickles has is warm for her form as well:

What is going on here?  Is it her accent?  Is it the jaunty way she wraps a rag around her head?

I know, you're waiting for something that will explain away all this.  It doesn't happen:

See that "The End" down there?  The story is apparently over, and the next story makes no reference to any of this.  I can only assume this continues in the next issue, but it really disrupts the flow when GL is betrothed in one story and he clearly isn't in the next.

I was going to get all righteous and wonder why Dinah thinks GL would want to marry her, but heck... everyone else in the story with a "Y" chromosome seemed to be booking chapels and deejays.

But note that she pledged herself to the one guy who didn't ask.  Let's see Yael 'splain the logic in that one!

And now, the premiere of our latest CMNS meme, That's a Fair Question (tm!).

Thusly:

That's a Fair Question.  (tm!)

Here's a fun bit of history:

I guess a bunch of kids were dropping out of school and just continuing their role in the war effort.  That's really interesting, because I can't think of anything the government programs for kids these days that would be called a "war job."  The things we learn when we read old comics!

And there was also a battery shortage:

That doesn't surprise me too much, but it still interests me when manufacturers take out ads to explain why you can't easily buy their stuff.

Cool stuff!  See you tomorrow!

Superman vs. the Roomba

So the new Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. TV series debuted to very strong ratings, tying for first in its time slot.  I haven't seen it yet... I've taped it.  Yes, I am part of the one family left in civilization who actually uses a VCR.  And I'm so far behind in my TV watching that it will literally be around Christmas before I actually see the first episode. I kid you not - we're watching stuff I recorded in May right now.

Anyway, check it out:

Doc Strange?  Have you got a minute?

Sure, Terror.  What's up?

I'm reading this comic and... do you see this?

Is that a picture of us reading this comic... on the comic?  Hey, Yank!  C'mere!

I'm not talking to you guys.  You're just going to say, "We've got a job for you, Yank," and then make obscene hand gestures.

No, seriously... look at this!

Hey... is that the three of us in the comic reading the comic?

I know, right?

Gentlemen... my mind is blown.  Hey, do I really look that stupid in this hat?

Enough of that.  Meanwhile:

I appreciate your youthful enthusiasm, Tim... but you may want to tone it down just a scontch.

Check out the premise for the Superman story from Action Comics #167:

You can't prove I'm operating the machines, Superman!  I've stumped you!

Actually, if he's disavowing any ownership or control of the machines, I presume Superham did the logical thing and felt free to smash them into little tiny pieces.  Crisis averted, story boring.  NEXT!

Oh, for the love of...

Tim, I really think you should cool it and be more care...

DANG it, Tim!  What did I just say?

See you Monday!

Keep Your Hands Off Me, You Bad Boy! Take Dees!

Hmmmm... the General is acting a little peculiar in this bit from the Sergeant Boyle story from Pep Comics #23:

Okay... everyone follow that?  What could be causing the General to act in such a way?

I don't know what the potency situation is with "marijuana extract," but I have to say it's dang impressive.  Usually, marijuana use simply results in excessive Doritos consumption followed by a run for cheap tacos.  General be trippin' yo.  Word.  

Disclaimer:  Avoid the Devil's Parsley, kids.  Drugs are bad.

The Hangman... Worst Animal Control Officer, Ever

Checking out the Hangman story from Pep Comics #23:

Okay. 

You're not winning any beauty contests yourself, Junior.

Did you ever see The Elephant Man?  I saw it when I was a kid and the way he was tormented was too much for my young brain at the time.

Anyway, the sideshow worker has had enough and decides to kill every handsome person he can think of.

Yeah, that old trope.

He has an impressive way of insulting people while he kills them, though:

And the Hangman fights a gorilla, so there's always that:

That was a pretty sad showing.  The difference between someone awesome like Batman and a lame-o like the Hangman is that Batman would never let anyone know he was having trouble with the gorilla.  He might think it, but we all know that Bruce would never let anyone see him sweat.

He "dived" through the mirrors?  You may be more attractive, sir, but your grasp of the English language is far inferior to that of your opponent!

Here's a nightmare waiting to happen:

"Boy Buddies"?  Oh, man....

... and yet I'm totally going to find this.  I don't think it stands a chance of "giving me the time of my life," but I don't know that I can go through life not reading this.

See you tomorrow!

A College Boy Without a Care in the World!

Before we launch into business as usual, it's been a year since we've been back up!  Yay!  What fun we've had!  Let's have some more, courtesy of  Pep Comics #23:

I'm not at all certain that having a parrot means you're a sailor.  That seems kind of... well, not racist, but... occupationist?

I don't know... someone probably needs to go to a less-competitive college.  He looks a little stressed.

Okay, Saltwater Jones or whatever your name is, we get it.

Hey!  It's time for some head-scratchin' Fun with Out of Context Artwork! (tm!)

Well, that was interesting, but I'm not really sure how I was supposed to look at it.  If I'm looking at it left to right, it's like he's gone from fear to some sort of perverse enjoyment.  And that may be the case, for all I know.

Seriously, dude... you're just milking it.  Don't be that guy.

Well, blow you down, indeed.  I'm very happy for you... " 'Matey . "

See you tomorrow!

Doiby Dickles, the Father of Trickle-Down Economics

Sorry for the late post, my lovelies, but it's been chaos at Case de Barnett.  In the matter of four days, I've had to turn two strays over to animal control... and that doesn't include the other two I couldn't get on Friday.  I know it seems mean, but it's their only shot of getting a decent home and no matter what, it's certainly more humane than dying from exposure, starvation, dehydration, getting hit by a car, shot by a person, killed by another animal, etc.

See, here's the thing.  We domesticated dogs, so they can't survive on their own.  If someone dumps an animal or can't be bothered to put contact info on it so it can be returned home, that's really all that's left.

So a) GET YOUR ANIMAL FIXED.  Only 10% of shelter animals get homes.  Letting your dog or cat "just have one litter," even if you can find homes for those animals, is incredibly irresponsible because that still takes prospective homes from shelter animals.  FIX YOUR ANIMAL.  THERE IS NO EXCUSE.

b) PUT IDENTIFYING INFORMATION ON YOUR ANIMAL.  When a dog or a cat has a tag or a chip, do you know what I do when I find it?  I call you, you pick it up, and everyone's a winner.  See how simple that is?  A collar by itself is useless.  There are machines at Wal-Mart that will make a tag for you on the spot for just a few bucks, so THERE IS NO EXCUSE.

c) If you can't take care of your animal and you can't find another home for it, HAVE THE BALLS TO SURRENDER YOUR ANIMAL TO THE SHELTER.  Yes, the odds are huge that they'll put the animal down.  But you know what?  That's the kind of thing you signed up for when you took on the pet.  Abandoning your animal is much more cruel for the animal, and there's a special place in Hell for you if you do that.

In short, please be worthy of your position in the animal-master relationship so that I will not wish terrible things upon you... which for the people responsible for those four dogs I encountered just these last few days, includes (but is not limited to) leprosy of the genitals.

Ah.... I feel better.  On to the fun stuff, courtesy of Green Lantern #12:

Doiby has ambition, and good for him.  But, as is often the case, "ambition" often means "I want to take considerable short cuts."  Thusly:

But, of course, Alan is having none of that:

So, just to review: Alan should use the ring so that Doiby can become rich and spend the money on War Bonds.

Now, I'm not saying rich people don't give to charity.  Like with any other group of people, some of them are good people that do good things, and some are scumbags who don't take care of their animals and deserve leprosy of the genitals.  No, what's amazing is that Doiby is asking for Alan to violate his ethics and hand Doiby a business without putting in any of the work and with minimal risk on Doiby's part.

And Alan totally buys it:

So if I promise to buy extra boxes of Thin Mints from the Girl Scouts this year, can I have a ready-made business just fall into my lap?

Meanwhile, do you know what's going to make a comeback in the future?  Flash bulbs.  From Action Comics #160:

I've heard that Uranus is pretty dark, indeed.

Heh.

See you tomorrow!

In Which Archie Channels His Inner Dennis the Menace

There is simply no way we're going to miss out on the first appearance of Archie Andrews from Pep #22.  I don't know why you might have thought that was an option, but it isn't.

So, here he is in his very first appearance with Betty.

That doesn't look too much like the Archie (or Betty, that matter) that we would grow to love.  He looks like someone... I can't quite pin it down...

Oh, wait.... yes, I can:

Anyhoo, this is an intro to Archie, whose family apparently couldn't yet afford all those sweater vests and slacks he would later wear:

As we see there, "Archie" is a nickname for "Archibald."  Yet, he wants a nickname of his nickname.  And he's telling you to call him what had been recognized as slang for a girl at least since Elmer Gantry was published in 1927.  I don't know where to begin with how wrong that is.  It's a small surprise they dumped that.

This is, of course, before Veronica would move into town and Kardashian up the place.

Anyway, the gimmick behind this first appearance is that Archie is an awful klutz and causes headaches for Betty's dad.  Of course, once Veronica showed up, we didn't see a whole lot of Betty's dad.  But for now, while Archie is inexplicably wearing Capri Pants:

I include that picture because the sound effect makes it look like he's farting.  He isn't, but it looks like he is and farts are almost always hilarious.

And here's the first appearance of Jughead, who is really the reason you read Archie stories.  It's like Mr. Spock is the reason Star Trek is awesome.

Jughead's family had apparently also fallen on hard times as well.

Anyway, as I'm reading the story, Archie gets manipulated by Betty into walking a tightrope, there's taffy involved, and....

... well, I think they go to England and there's a sea monster:

... okay, I'm not sure exactly where that transition was made, but then someone dies... is that Reggie?

No, it couldn't be Reggie.  Reggie is still around.  But maybe this is Reggie's dad or something.  It would explain a lot of Reggie's behavior, to tell you the truth.

To be honest, I may have started another story without realizing it.  That's the thing about these anthology comic books.

I also found this, which will be used for our new meme, My Eyes, My Eyes! (tm!), so we'll look forward to that in the future.

See you Monday!