Wow, last week was terrible, and I'm not sure the rest of the month will be better. But unless a day just completely gets away from me, I'll keep up the posts!
From America's Best #17, I'd like to introduce a new CMNS meme we're going to call Shut Up, Tim. (tm!)
It goes like this:
Shut up, Tim. (tm!)
From that same issue, we have this awesome panel where you can see that the letterer had a bit of difficulty with margins:
Wow, can you believe the editor let him get away with that? He must have been a real pushover.
Um, this looks a little ... er... awkward.
Look, I put the word "indestructible" in bold, and there is no way I'm going to re-do all that dialog. So you'll print it and you'll like it!
Oh... ok.
Meanwhile, from Pep Comics #25, here's a CMNS Moment... of Comic Book Greatness! (tm!)
This has been a CMNS Moment... of Comic Book Greatness! (tm!)
Shakin' away those work stress blues with a look at America's Best Comics #28:
I hate to be the one to interrupt Miss Masque's tirade of righteous indignation...
.... but it is clearly posted not to park there.
Just stay out of it, Black Terror. There's nothing good there for you.
Hey! Ads!
Okay, just so we're clear, this "juke box" doesn't actually play anything. If you "bring it out at parties or when company comes to call," I think it's a safe bet people are going to quit coming to your home for social occasions because you're scamming them. What kind of a jerk would you be to have this thing?
Hey, remember this?
As everyone under the age of 30 goes, "huh?" Yes, this is what we used to use before your magic computers came along, kids. And I well tell you this... it was never easy to type a document. If you made a mistake, you had to retype the whole bloody page. I even had one teacher who made you put footnotes in your typewritten papers, which meant you had to guess how much space you needed at the bottom for the footnotes, put a little pencil mark on the page so you'd know when to stop typing, and scream like a drunk merchant marine you made any kind of mistake at all. Teachers were really sadistic back in my day. My conflicts with them were never my fault, on that you can rely!
Hey! It's time for some Fun with Out of Context Artwork! (tm!)
I'm sorry, miss, but if you're going to join us, that'll be another $250.
No, I'm not proud of that one, but I played the hand I was dealt.
So the new Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. TV series debuted to very strong ratings, tying for first in its time slot. I haven't seen it yet... I've taped it. Yes, I am part of the one family left in civilization who actually uses a VCR. And I'm so far behind in my TV watching that it will literally be around Christmas before I actually see the first episode. I kid you not - we're watching stuff I recorded in May right now.
Anyway, check it out:
Doc Strange? Have you got a minute?
Sure, Terror. What's up?
I'm reading this comic and... do you see this?
Is that a picture of us reading this comic... on the comic? Hey, Yank! C'mere!
I'm not talking to you guys. You're just going to say, "We've got a job for you, Yank," and then make obscene hand gestures.
No, seriously... look at this!
Hey... is that the three of us in the comic reading the comic?
I know, right?
Gentlemen... my mind is blown. Hey, do I really look that stupid in this hat?
Enough of that. Meanwhile:
I appreciate your youthful enthusiasm, Tim... but you may want to tone it down just a scontch.
Check out the premise for the Superman story from Action Comics #167:
You can't prove I'm operating the machines, Superman! I've stumped you!
Actually, if he's disavowing any ownership or control of the machines, I presume Superham did the logical thing and felt free to smash them into little tiny pieces. Crisis averted, story boring. NEXT!
Oh, for the love of...
Tim, I really think you should cool it and be more care...
So, having really enjoyed the first story as I discussed yesterday, I continue my look at Spy Smasher #10. And I remind myself once again why I am able to do this blog.
'frinstance:
Not quite the same as trying to kill Hitler, but maybe if...
Okay, that's not what really happened. But isn't it awesome that one can Google "Japanese Beatles" and come up with a photo?
And issue 10 limps to a close, going from a thought-provoking tale of killing a mass-murderer to:
... a man who loves strudel to a fault.
Blarg. Let's finish today with some Fun with Out of Context Dialogue! (tm!) from America's Best Comics #13!:
The Black Terror was very aggressive when it came to soliciting...
You'd think it would just be all kinds of easy to crank out this blog on a regular basis, but I actually have to go through at least a couple of comics a day just to find panels that make me pause. It's not a very exciting process and the pickings are hit-or-miss. I mean, it's not like they meant to give me things to make fun of when they put out these comics.
And sometimes, I just read something and I'm not 100% sure why it's blog-worthy, but I just know it is.
Like this one from America's Best Comics #22:
There's something really creepy about what Tim is saying there. It's almost like Bob has shown off his "knot-knowledge" before and....
... well, I'm sure I'm just over-thinking it. But I'm growing increasingly suspicious of Bob and Tim's relationship.
Here's some dialog that... well, I just don't understand it.
I've heard the expression "If you know what I mean," of course. But I "Googled" simply "What I mean," and I'm finding nothing. Again, I'm not saying it's funny, but I just wonder if the officer is intoxicated and speaking in incomplete sentences.
And then there are moments that...
... well, just follow along, won't you?
From Golden Age Phantom Lady #16:
Okay, arms tied behind back.
And trust me, there's a point to this.
Okay, out the window... and arms still tied behind back.
Falling down... and arms tied behind back.
Lands through skylight... and GREAT GOLLYWOBBLES!
Her hands are tied behind her back and they went that far up? She's either one heck of a contortionist or both of her arms were just wrenched right out of their sockets. I may not be giving the Golden Age Phantom Lady enough props, because she can clearly take some pain.
Going back to America's Best Comics # 22, here's an item that also kind of threw me off:
A forest fire lamp? Really? Who wants to decorate their house with simulated natural disasters? Yes, your friends will "gasp with wonder," mostly because they'll want to know what kind of sicko gets his jollies staring at forest fires.
Here's what it looked like in action:
And, of course, that video made it even more creepy. That's what happens when you have something that's creepy and you try to show that it really isn't creepy... the creepiness increases exponentially. It's like trying to convince a girl you aren't a creep after she already suspects that's the case. You might as well just pack it in. Pay attention, young men... this is good advice here.
Hey! Guess who located a copy of America's Best Comics #20? That's right!
We lead off with a Black Terror story. I never noticed this before, but Bob has a bit of a time with volume control:
I am certainly not a hero by any definition, but if I were and I had a secret identity, I probably wouldn't shout out my secret in mid-wardrobe change. "Who wants microwave popcorn, AND WASN'T THAT A CRAZY ADVENTURE WE JUST HAD AS THE TERROR TWINS, TIM?" I mean, it's not like poor Tim's secret identity, which is none because he's called "Tim" in costume, isn't flimsy enough.
So anyway, they go beat up bad guys because this is comics and that's just what people in comics do:
And then, this guy says this:
I KNOW, RIGHT?
Yes, he called the Black Terror "Iron Man," about 20 years before the Iron Man character. Did it influence Stan Lee and Larry Lieber? Who knows?
Anyway, there's a situation and Bob's girlfriend Jean is right where she shouldn't be because that's the way a girlfriend's hero in the 1940's rolled:
Although, to her credit, that was an appropriate use of a raised voice.
An atomic bomb is about to go off, Jean! Now is not the time to bemoan your love life!
Eesh. Let's pay a detour to the Golden Age Phantom Lady #16:
Even the most casual nerdlinger will recognize that the villain makes the hero. For example, it's not hard to immediately think of the Joker when one thinks of Batman.
Keep that in mind for me, would you?
Yes, the Phantom Lady is fighting a guy who is so morbidly obese that he isn't fully ambulatory.
And she still has problems with him:
Seriously? The guy can barely move, you're in the dark, and all you can do is run in circles?
Yup. She's only saved when the cops show up...
... and only then is she all "I've got him! I've got him!"
Taking a look at America's Best Comics #5. I referenced before how odd it is that Pyroman's powers don't have anything to do with fire, and it appears that the writers, on at least some level, agreed with me.
See? It's like they're saying, "It's too late to turn back now, but we'll have him fight a fire guy."
That was a product of the evil Dr. Fosfer, not to be confused with DC's Dr. Phosphorous, the Golden Age Starman villain (who... SPOILER ALERT!... eventually killed the Golden Age Starman). Dr. Fosfer figured out a way to animate fire things... which you kind of feel obliged to do if your name is "Fosfer."
FRANZ! No more Taco Bell for you before these meetings!
Check out this little known fact about the Black Terror:
See? If you hit him hard enough, it will apparently knock out both the Terror and his sidekick, Tim. I don't know if they had some sort of "Corsican Brothers" relationship or what, but the evidence is clear.
Hey! Let's finish with some Fun with Out of Context Dialogue! (tm!)
I had high hopes for Amazing Spider-Man #357 because it included an appearance by the Taskmaster, arguably the most awesome villain Marvel has. But, as is often the case, he's a little too awesome and is once again woefully underused. Instead, we get these guys:
Okay, first: "Death-Shield" means that he protects me from death, not that he inflicts death.
And secondly... why?
Just... why?
You've already worked the Taskmaster into the story, and yet you feel compelled to shift attention to these guys. Thankfully, their clocks were thoroughly cleaned and I don't believe they've made an appearance since then.
Back to America's Best Comics #3, back in the days when comics didn't need more than a Random Slap! (tm!):
As you saw on the cover yesterday, this is an anthology title with several characters. This includes the Black Terror, who compensated for his ironic lack of terror by shouting:
OH, indeed.
Next up, we have the Liberator, who not only has one of the most homoerotic costumes since we looked at the Red Rocket a few days ago...
... but, just like his book-mate Doc Strange, he gets his powers by drinking a serum. And while I recognize that there are only so many ways to impute superhuman powers on someone, don't you think we should at least try to keep two characters in the same comic from ripping each other off?
Hey! It's time for Fun with Out of Context Artwork! (tm!)
Depending on what part of the Liberator you're talking about, he's either in great danger or is about to have the luckiest night he's had in a looooooong while.
And finally, we had Captain Future, establishing that there was some unspoken rule from the editor of America's Best Comics that no character could have a costume with any shred of dignity whatsoever:
What is it with this comic? Two bare-legged costumes? When I was a kid, Robin made me cringe because of the bare-legged look and he was a teenager.... well, sorta. He wore that original outfit way too long. But you see what I'm saying here?
But then I look back at "Death Shield" up there, and I realize that every era has its duds.
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