Monday, July 22, 2013

In Brightest Day, In Dullest Knight...

And we're back!  In continuing our look at Dynamic Comics #2, I've got to say that thus far, Lady Satan is a bust.  It isn't good enough for me to say, "Well, that was a nice surprise," and (even worse, for purposes of blogging) nothing was bad enough that I could make fun of it.

But then, I was saved by a knight wearing what appears to be regular spandex instead of armor: The Green Knight.

The Green Knight is unremarkable in that he's yet another bored bazillionaire who wants to make a difference... not by being a philanthropist, because where's the fun in that?  

No, he wants to punch people and see if he can write that off his taxes.

The first story is dreadful. He's just wandering around and decides to commit a little breaking and entering of a seemingly-abandoned house, and...

You may be thinking I'm being too hard on this story because at least he's fighting a vampire.  Just bear with me.

The kid he rescues is, of course, an orphan.  Every kid is an orphan in comics.

His name is Lance.... as in "Lancelot."  Isn't that convenient?

So, Greenie slugs the kidnapping giant...

and then proceeds to just leave him there.  I'm not a lawy- wait, yes I am.  Someone should call the frickin' police!

Normally, when a grown man "want to show something" to a young boy, we all justifiably get a little nervous.  But in this case, it's to tell the kid his origin... which is basically that he thought knights were awesome and LARPing hadn't been invented yet, so what else could he do?

Way to be subtle, Lance.

And so, as comic book heroes are want to do, the Green Knight spontaneously decides to take on parenthood:

And, as seems to be the rule, Lance gets no mask and runs around in costume going by his real name:

Lance dutifully fulfills his role as "target."

Not today, Lance!  But don't make any long-term plans, if you know what I mean.

The vampire is back....

... and we're given no explanation of how/why a vampire is there in the first place.

Instead, Greenie just torches the place.

Yeah, why comb the place for clues and make sure there aren't going to be more giants and vampires when you can just set a big fire?  To be fair, though, he never said he was a detective. 

And off they skip into the sunset.  Egad.

Meanwhile, on the "fun facts" page, here's a picture of a guy getting juiced in the electric chair:

Want more, kids?  Here's a poison gas attack!:

Yeah!  All in color, for one thin dime!

And here's a fact that is well-intended but not completely true:

Well, dogs will bark because they're tied up and need a yard to run in.  Dogs shouldn't be tied up outside.  They shouldn't be just left outside, either.  They should be in the house, or you shouldn't have a dog.

But to promise that they'll stop barking if you give them a yard is hilarious.  When my dogs run into their quite-sufficient back yard, guess what they do?  They bark.  They bark at squirrels, neighbors, dogs in other yards, earthworms, sanitation workers... and if there's no one else, they'll bark at each other.  Because that's what dogs do.

See you tomorrow!


Unknown said...

I do love the casualness of "Today, as I was exploring the moor, I was seized by a giant and...", as if this is something that happens every day.

Vince Coleman said...

because every boy wants his father figure to pack a good whallop. That's what they look for in a dad.

Glad to have you back! Hope the staycation was great!

Patrick O'Brien said...

Do you know about that execution?

It was the first time NY used the electric chair, and it failed miserably. They ran 1000 volts through William Kemmler, who had chopped up his "common-law wife", and he didn't quite die. They doubled the voltage, and his blood vessels ruptured and his hair singed.

Now THAT would make a great comic for kids!