It turns out Crack Comics was pretty aptly named because I think you had to be on crack to enjoy them.
In addition to Captain Triumph, this title also inflicted the Black Condor upon us. Never was a hero more boring than the Black Condor. He could fly. Granted, in real life, this would make you the most awesome person in the history of the world, but in comics, this isn't exactly something that puts you in a class of your own. Heck, even Hawkman would brain you upside the head with a mace just to liven things up.
But the Black Condor just flew around, which I suppose is handy when it comes to fighting guys who strap themselves to giant kites:
Again, in the world of comics, the Black Condor is hardly the "only human endowed with flight," although he might have been at that particular time within the Quality Comics line.
Ask me how he learned to fly. He was taught how by a race of super-intelligent condors.
Yes, apparently, we can all fly, we just don't know how.
And when he came back to civilization, he assumed the identity of a United States Senator whose assassination he himself failed to stop. Well, if you can't save the guy, you might as well steal his identity, right?
It didn't hurt that he looked just like the murdered Senator. Coincidences abound in comics!
And he had some ray that did something, but I'm not sure what. So, we have Random Ray Usage!(tm!) over and over and over....
And he would apparently make fun of you if you weren't handsome and muscular like he was:
There have been three versions of the Black Condor, if we don't count an issue of the original Justice League of America where Superman's foe Mr. Mxyzptlk produces a gender-reversed JLA and Black Canary's male counterpart is called the Black Condor. Although we probably should count him, because he's about as interesting as the main three. The best was the most recent, but even he was just a Hawkman rip-off.
Yeesh. Off to the Character Hall of Shame with you. All of you.
Crack Comics also gave us Batch Bachelor!:
I'm not sure if he ever married, but if he did, do you think he changed his name to Hubs Husband?
There were many appearances of "husky, handsome" Hack O'Hara:
I'm not sure "husky" is a nice thing to say, but since he drove around in a cab all day eating street food, he probably was just a bit. O'Hara apparently had delusions that he was a law enforcement person of some kind, because he was always sticking his nose into things and smacking lowlifes around. There was a show called "Hack" that was on tv from 2002 to 2004 that had the same premise (only the guy on tv was actually a former police officer, so it made more sense). I'm not proud that I remember that.
Hey, kids! Here's a Really Bad Idea!(tm!)
Yes, approach an armed man with a toy gun and act like it's real. Tell me how that works out for you.
Although, if you're stupid enough to do it, I suppose that's just Natural Selection. Thinning out the herd, it's nature's way.
But, for the record, what those kids are seen doing is a Really Bad Idea!(tm!)
See you tomorrow!