Postscript

Guys, thanks for the kindness in your comments.  I hope to hear from all of you.

I couldn't resist sharing a happy moment.  Remember this guy?

It appears the shelter kept him.  Click here to adopt the most awesome dog in the world.  I hope he gets a wonderful home, because he deserves it.

But this happy ending is rare.  Please keep the pet population down, and microchip your beloved pets.

All the best,

Adam

... and So Long, Bob Haney... Wherever You Are. Friday!

Sorry, Dear Ones, for the abrupt end of Comics Make No Sense.  I truly tried to give scads of advance notice, but because of many technical factors, I'm afraid this is going to be the last post.

But we're not saying "goodbye" forever.  We're just saying "so long, for now."  If you'll go to and bookmark this happy place, you'll be able to keep up with writing projects and such from me.  There's some life in me yet, and I've stories of my own to tell, so check in every so often.

We're wrapping it up, Seinfeld-style, with more visits than ever, and who'da thunk?  For a silly little lark, this page easily was topping 75,000 hits annually.  That ain't half bad for a blog with a rather limited concept.  It's not easy to say "so long" to my most successful creative endeavor, but perhaps it's best that I'm forced to retire it before it turns into those last few seasons of M*A*S*H.  Seriously, no one wants that.  If you see BJ with the mustache in the opening credits, watch something else.

And I can thank CMNS for introducing me to my partner-in-crime Gabe Ostley, with whom I hope to slap together many, many funnybooks that you're gonna love.  I'm also going to write an actual book or two.  All of that will be found right here.  Seriously, you might as well bookmark it because I'm going to link to it at least one more time.

So, I'd like to thank contributors sPat and Robert Gillis for bailing me out when I was running low on source material.  And, of course, my Beloved deserves a special pat on the head for encouraging my funnybooking and blogging.  I also want to thank Mike Sterling for the readership boost when I was first starting the blog.  And, of course, a big thanks to everyone who kept checking in every day to see what silliness I had found.  You made it a very rewarding project, and I can't thank you enough.

And, I'd like to thank this issue of Shazam!:

for introducing me to a hobby that has given me a lot of joy and delight for almost four decades now.  This was the first comic book I ever read, and it's awesome.  Cap has to save the town from getting engulfed in cherry gelatin and Sivana invents a machine that fast-forwards everyone through Christmas.  With a first impression like that, how could I not become a lifelong fanboy?

I guess that's it.  I don't have anything dramatic, other than my adoration for everyone, even you lurkers who never posted a comment.  So, here's the finale from Six Feet Under:

One last time: Spay and neuter your pets and support your local Animal Shelter!

See you over at Chilly Villain Studios!  Would the last person to leave please turn out the light?

With gratitude,

Adam Barnett

I Cook You Fine Meals and Show You Sights of Pampas Wednesday!

The original Vigilante actually had quite a run back in the 40's.  He never really got my attention, what with all his  country-fried dialect and such.  I mean, I grew up in Oklahoma, and I rarely heard people talk like he does.  I also met some foreign exchange students in college who were sure Oklahoma was one big Native American reservation.  And they weren't totally wrong, because the Tribes have nations and casinos all over the place, but that didn't mean we were all living in tee-pees.  I also thought he was rather dry, with no real powers or gadgets to get my attention.

But he got interesting letters.  I never would have appreciated that as a child:

I'll take "Invitations One Should Never Accept" for $200, Alex!

Seriously, how did he not think that was a love letter?  I would be afraid Pedro would swipe my passport and make me "earn" it back, if you know what I mean.  And I think you do.

Hey, you know what creeped me out?  This:

Well, it certainly grabs your attention, doesn't it?  I wasn't familiar with Kolynos, as it hasn't been easily found in the U.S. for years.  But apparently, my Latin American readers should be able to pick up a tube.  A little research tells me that it's very pleasant tasting and not only cleans your teeth, but gives 'em a polish as well.  Granted, I'd be a little put off by the glaring "Injun" vomiting the toothpaste onto my brush, but he certainly has every right to be a little cheesed.  

And it was mentioned  in The Catcher in the Rye, so there's a certain awesomeness in that:

"Everybody was asleep or out or home for the week end, and it was very, very quiet and depressing in the corridor. There was this empty box of Kolynos toothpaste outside Leahy and Hoffman's door, and while I walked down towards the stairs, I kept giving it a boot with this sheep-lined slipper I had on."

So, incredibly racist marketing device aside, Kolynos has a rather interesting history.  See?  That's some smartifyin' stuff right there.  That's two days running I've been all edutainmental on you.

See you tomorrow!

On Quiz Shows, Vulcans, and Plastic Guns that Hold Your Pencils Wednesday!

Well, here's a little something I didn't know until today.  I'm familiar with the quiz show, Truth or Consequences, insofar as I am aware there was a quiz show called Truth or Consequences.  But I didn't realize how wacky it was:

Wouldn't you watch the heck out of a show like that?  I'm surprised it went over on the radio, since actually seeing these things take place was probably a lot more fun.  And, FYI, while the show debuted on NBC Radio in 1940, it would be on television 10 years later.  And it would be the first daily game show that succeeded in syndication (as in, it did well after it left the network for twelve years).  There was an attempt to revive the show in 1987 that completely slipped past me.  It also marked the debut of Bob Barker in 1956, who would later go on to host The Price is Right and get into fistfights with Adam Sandler on Happy Gilmore.  

And even more awesome is that the town of Truth or Consequences, New Mexico, actually named itself after the show!  Yup.  For the tv show's tenth anniversary in 1950, Ralph Edwards there dared a town to name itself "Truth or Consequences," and Hot Springs, New Mexico, took the dare!  Nifty stuff!

See?  We learnt ourselves something today.  Don't let people tell you this site is a total waste of time!

And in the spirit of that, check out Lois Lane's hat!:

Lois, that is quite the large purple chapeau you're working there.  And you look a lot like a Vulcan.

Here's Kirstie Alley as a Vulcan:

  

She made it work.  I always like Kirstie Alley.

Oh, and here's some social programming for you, circa 1948:

Girls carry purses, boys carry guns.  That's how we roll.

And I'm not judging here.  I don't know about you gals, but I would have been all over a pencil box shaped like a firearm.  All. Over. It. 

See you tomorrow!

You MUST Award Me Every Doctor's Degree You Have, Because I'm Superman! Tuesday!

So, here's a little something I found in Lois Lane Annual #1.  Again, I'm sure it's a reprint, but I have not idea at this point where the story came from.

But we all know how it began.....

Yup!  Yet another head injury!  That woman should just wear a helmet all the time.  And I mean all the time.  In the shower, at the office, reading the newspaper.... this woman needs to have her skull protected constantly.  Law of Averages be danged, this woman is clearly going to have her bell rung if there's any bell-ringing to be done, so she should always be prepared.

Anyway, Lois dreams that Superman gives her a blood transfusion.  I presume that she has some kind of blood fetish where this is the ultimate intimacy or something.

Well, of course giving someone your blood would give them the ability to do anything you can do.  That's how DNA works.  Anyone who knows the origin of the She-Hulk (which is exactly the same thing) knows that.

Although the She-Hulk's origin makes some weird kind of sense, since she was given irradiated blood.  It seems like Lois would suffer a severe hemolytic reaction here.  Good thing it's only a dream.  What happens to Lois in her real life is much more rational.

So, what does Lois do?  You know the answer!  She does what anyone who finds themselves with a freaky ability does:

Her secret role as Power Girl!  Isn't it fun to find an earlier occurrence of a modern character's name?  And it didn't stop there...

Yup!  Clark becomes Power-Man, which we all know is the super-hero name Luke Cage used before he remembered that (a) Luke Cage is an alias in and of itself (he was born Carl Lucas) and (b) Luke Cage is a much more badass name than Power Man.

And anyway, Lois dreams a bunch of stuff and then wakes up, so that story was a big waste of time.  But in the next story, she has her legs crushed.  So naturally, she became a mermaid:

That was actually a fairly common medical practice before plastic prosthetic devices became more popular in the latter quarter of the 20th Century.  You don't see many mermaid descendants because no one could really figure out how to mate with one.

Hey!  Did you know that Superman can perform surgeries?  Of course he can!

So, let's get this straight: Instead of wearing a flashy costume and beating up losers like the Prankster and the Toyman, Superman could have spent the last 60 years or so performing life-saving operations?  Is there anyone left who wonders why I don't like Superham?  I didn't think so.

So, if Superman operates on you, your own powers of recuperation take on superhuman proportions?  Because it seems to me like Lois should be in for a good six months of physical therapy, minimum.  And frankly, Superham had to restore more than just Lois's legs and lungs, if you see where I'm going with this.... and I think you do.  

Boy, those Lois Lane comics were pretty messed up, if you think about it.

See you tomorrow!

Irresponsible People SUCK Monday!

Okay, everyone, I'm a little annoyed, so I'm going to go on my soapbox for a moment:

See this guy?:

I found him playing in traffic on the street in front of where I work.  He had a collar that was on way too tight, but no tag.  He also hadn't been micro-chipped.  So, I had no way of getting him back to his owners.

LESSON NUMBER ONE: If you fail to tag or microchip your dog, your dog will not be returned to you, genius!  Your dog cannot tell me where he lives.  A microchip is only about thirty bucks, and if this dog had been given one, I would have taken him home instead of to the animal shelter.

So, because he was starving and in very real danger of getting run over, I took him to the animal shelter.  On the way there, he lay his head in my lap, stopping only to lick my face at a traffic stop.  Once I got there, I was greeted with a sign that said:

OUR DOG AND CAT ADOPTION PROGRAMS ARE FULL.  IT IS LIKELY THAT YOUR ANIMAL WILL BE EUTHANIZED IMMEDIATELY.

So, this awesome dog, who trusted me and spent the twenty-minute drive over to the shelter loving on me and thanking me for being such a great pal, is most likely dead at this point.  When I dropped him off, he clawed at the door and howled at me through the glass, so I get to carry the guilt of that around for... oh, I don't know, the rest of my life.

Why didn't I keep him?  Because I'm already at the legal limit, and the city will prosecute me for animal hoarding if I go beyond it. Sooooo...

LESSON NUMBER TWO: Get your pet spayed or neutered.  Having a littler of puppies or kittens to show your children the miracle of life is teaching them a horrible lesson.  Even if you find homes for them, you are taking a potential home away from an unwanted animal.  As long as there is even ONE animal at a shelter, you have no right to add to the overpopulation problem.  None.  NONE!!!

In short, people, earn your spot at the top of the food chain and show some responsibility.  These animals are suffering and dying (in Tulsa, the report is that upwards of thirty.... yes THIRTY animals a day are being killed).  If you are really an animal lover, love all animals and quit putting people like me through days like that.

Sorry... nothing funny today.  I don't want anything to distract from this message.  Be glad that I didn't show a video I was considering.  We'll get back to it tomorrow.

The Day Job Caught Up with Me Friday!

Sorry, my lovelies, but the day job caught up with me.  I hope to have a new post on Monday.  Meanwhile, here is Cyndi Lauper singing the theme to ElectraWoman and DynaGirl:

And really... what more do you need?

See you Monday!

But She's Such a PRETTY Thorn Thursday!

Folks, DrunkDuck.com, who was hosting Snatcher Bodies, had some sort of major server problem and a bunch of stuff was wiped out.  I may put it back up there at some point, but for now, just download it from DriveThruComics using the link in the right-hand column, okay?

Now, back to me making fun of the comics other people made.

Even when Action Comics lets me down for material, I can always count on Lois Lane's solo title for blogging material.  Even the letters page in Lois Lane #5 gave me a chuckle:

Thomas Emory was the coolest kid back in the Silver Age.  He tells it like it is, and we all need a friend who is willing and able to say, "Whoa there, Hoss!  Simmer down!"

Of course, what does the editor say?  "Eh, she's pretty, so leave her be!"

Hey!  It's time for an installment of Lois Lane Head Injury Theater (tm!):

I'm not sure where this originally appeared, but I found it in Lois Lane Annual #1.  Lois is in plane crash, and...

she falls from a tree and hits her head on a rock.  All things considered, that's a pretty good deal for having been in a plane crash, but Lois has lost her memory.  Which, as we all know by now, happens all the time to Lois Lane.

Normally, the idea is to patronize Lois less the realization that she's Lois Lane prove too traumatic.  Which makes some sense, because how would you like to wake up one morning and suddenly remember that you're Lois Lane?  Yup.  It sounds pretty traumatic to me!

Anyway, instead of being patronized by people, Lois gets patronized by a bunch of leopards.

Yes, she's adopted by leopards.  Which I hear is a common danger of head injuries: Amnesia and Becoming Queen of a Leopard Pack.

Of course, there can only be one solution to this situation.  You guessed it:

Yup.  If someone gets amnesia from falling out of a tree and landing on your head, the most widely accepted solution in the medical communities of virtually all industrialized nations is to wait until the patient climbs another tree and lands on her head again.

Oh, my.  I bet it was fun to write Lois Lane comics.  It's like there were no standards whatsoever.

Try not to hit your head and join any packs of wild animals, my lovelies!  I'll see you tomorrow!

Domestic Relations Counselling - The COMICS Way! Wednesday!

From Lois Lane #5, I give you... Answers to Rhetorical Questions, Relationship Edition (tm!):

The answer to this question, as anyone who has ever been married knows, is "NO! You cannot be silent without insulting your wife."  Hear what I say, men!

It is never advisable to discount your wife's questions, no matter how silly they are.  The correct answer is, "The only difference is that you are even more amazing now than you were yesterday."

No, no, no... the correct answer is clearly, "I wish I could chart your radiance, Lois, but it's impossible to measure!"

See, guys?  Is this so hard?

Or, you can roll like Johnny here:

This is the best comic strip I think I've ever seen.

See you tomorrow!

You Can't Literally Scare Pounds Off of People and Superman Knows This and He is a Big Tool Tuesday!

So, I was reading Action Comics #105...

I realize this is all in good fun, but doesn't that look just a bit painful for Kris Kringle?  I mean, it's bad enough he can't squeeze down the chimney, but to have Superman grinding his fist into your belly certainly can't be very soothing.

Believe it or don't, this cover actually had something to do with the story inside.  You see, we've got Mr. Rasper, who appears to have issues with holiday-related social norms:

You know, I just can't help but like the guy.  He's such a schmuck that it kind of transcended being a jerk and made it to the other side where he's just so hateful I can't help but find it funny.  Then again, I don't  work for the guy.  But neither does Cartwright.  At least, not after that clear breach of company protocols on festive well-wishery.

Anyway, Rasper is a mean guy who slipped Santa a mickey and now Santa is too fat to go down chimneys.  This led to all kinds of questionable positioning and dialogue.  Which, of course, leads us to Fun with Out of Context Dialogue! (tm!):

I have had this blog for nearly five years now, and I think that's one of the filthiest things we've ever "Fun with Out of Context Dialogued!" (tm!)  So, score!

And here's another! (tm!):

And yes, these panels were right next to each other.  We don't play around fast and loose with the truth here at CMNS.

Meanwhile, Superman is a jerk:

See what I mean?  The man tortures Santa Effin' Claus, for crying out loud.  I really don't understand why this character is so popular.

Uh-oh.  Don't be careless!:

Well, it's hard to argue with that.  Maybe he shouldn't have been so careless.  Let this be a lesson to all of us not to be so careless.

See you tomorrow!

My Own Candy Factory? Why I'd be Stupid Not to Monday!

Hey!  It's a new, fun-filled week!  And here's some good stuff from Action Comics #104:

I'll take "Invitations I Should Never Accept" for $100, Alex!

Heister Hess...

should have waited until the door fully closed before defiantly shouting out his plans.

Meanwhile, at the local newspaper....

the Sales Department learned that their "Cash or Punch Us in the Face" payment policy, while popular, failed to generate necessary revenues.

Oh, that was silly.  But not as silly as this:

Candy Factory... or as they called it in my day, a "chemistry set."

And apparently, lollipops were considered "good for growing youngsters."  Some day, they'll learn that Oreos  cure gout.  Just you watch.

Towns Made of Candy and Magic Polluting Shoes Friday!

So, it's Action Comics #104, and we're just minding our own beeswax and...

Oh, look!  It's Superman!  Hi, Superman!  It's always great to see you!  Have you come to check out Candytown?  

Hey, now!  I don't think that's necessary!

Seriously, Superham, what is your problem?  I really don't see why you have such a fan base.

I don't know how old those kids in the upper left are, but they look a little too old to be worrying about candy.  I mean, they look like teenagers.  Are they on a date, or something?  If so, someone needs to do a Beanie Intervention on that boy, or he's getting no lovin' from Blondie.  Not to mention the fact that he took her to a town made out of candy.  Giving a girl candy on the first date runs the risk that you'll look like you're trying to hard.  Taking her to an entire theme park made of candy?  My boy there has no game.  No game at all!

Eh, sell me some shoes:

If Thom there has some "Magic Bazooka Shoes" that enable him to run across treetops like he's in one of those Twilight movies, shouldn't that magic also do away with the "deadly exhaust"?  You know, because they're magic and all?  I kind of expect magic stuff to be more environmentally friendly.  

Not that I care.  I don't have any kids.  Let the world choke on itself - just wait until after I'm gone (which, at this rate, should be a week from Thursday).  Let your own kids figure out the exhaust problem in magic shoes.  This is hardly my concern.  And why do people who have children get tax deductions and effectively pay less taxes than those who don't?  You breeders use a lot more in public resources than I do.  If anything, I should get tax deductions.  I'm not using public schools!  Pay for your own dang kids.  They bother me.

See you Monday!

My Cape has Flesh-Colored Highlights! Yeah, Let's Go with That! Thursday!

So, I was reading Detective Comics #487 and was checking out the Robin solo story.  Here, we find Robin in a typical Robin-style quandry:

Okay, that's fine.  No problem.  Until this:

And then this:

Now, I had to read this a few times to figure out what the heck was being used as a dummy leg here.  I mean, Batman teaches you to be resourceful and all, but I can't imagine anyone toting around a nine foot leg.

So, it finally occurs to me that Robin isn't wearing his cape in that last panel, so it must be his cape.

You know, his bright yellow cape.

His bright yellow, not even remotely the color of the flesh of any human being that has walked the Earth, now or ever.

Well, clearly the colorist is cheating and making Robin's cape flesh-colored for these two panels, which constitutes clear shenanigans.  I realize that a bright yellow leg wouldn't have fooled anyone, so he probably felt obliged to fudge a little to make it more believable.  But, seriously?  That needs to go back to the artist to make changes, because there is no salvaging that with color swatches.

Oh, comics.  I love you, yet you treat me this way.

But then I read something like this:

Ahhhh.  Thanks, Action Comics #104!

I'll see you tomorrow!

Glub Blub Wednesday!

And so, with a tear in our eye, we come to the final pages of Robert Gillis's look at Lois Lane #42. You may recall Robert wondering who would possibly marry Lois and Supes now that they were both teenagers and didn't live in the Ozarks.  Who?  Well, I'll let Robert answer that question:

 A blind man, of course! 

Superboy sees that the Justice of the Peace has a metal splinter in his skull, causing his blindness:

So Superboy rewires the radio to um, um, magnetically rip the piece of metal out of the guy’s skull. Um, harmlessly. Um, yeah. Um, you know, this is why you don’t wear any metal in an MRI. The metal would kind-sorta explode out of your head exactly like a bullet. I saw that episode of “House.” It was gruesome.

So the Justice of the Peace, winner of “Least dramatic response to getting your sight back, ever,” notes that he can see again, and then refuses to marry the kids, because everyone who works in the Smallville Municipal Court System knows these “March and April” romances seldom work.

And by the way, why was the blind guy surprised that Lois and Superman were kids? Certainly their voices changed as well? Sheesh.

12 year old Lois has another scheme! The young couple flies to the S.S. Andovia. She’ll get her old friend Captain Pushover, er, Hobson, to marry them.

Captain Hobson probably understands this kid is really Superman, considering they flew in and all, but he accepts the absurdity of the situation pretty quickly. “Hmmm… This is very irregular…”

“…But for old time’s sake, I’ll perform the ceremony, Lois!” Doesn’t he know these marriages between 12 year olds seldom work?

 I love how the other crew members and officers are standing there, smiling like this wedding is a GOOD thing. Awww, two 12 year olds getting married by the captain. Isn’t this romantic?

Lois: “I’ve got to give myself credit for outwitting Superman for once.” Nice.  Reveling in how you forced someone to marry you: Just the sort of thing a bride should be thinking of on her special day.

Golly, how will Supeman get out of this one? By causing waves to crash into the ship and nearly kill everyone! 

Then, for good measure, he rocks the boat until everyone is sick!

And for people who are sea-sick, these people sure talk a lot. I’ve been sea-sick, and you don’t talk much, except to say, “Get the hell out of the way!” as you race to the side of the boat.

(I was seasick once, and it was one of the most miserable experiences of my life.  If I didn't have reason to dislike Superham before, I certainly do now! - adam)

Lois and Superman are now TODDLERS, but the honorable Dudley Diggs, Esquire, takes the case and convinces a COURT JUDGE to sign the marriage license for… wait for it… wait for it… Two FOUR YEAR OLDS.

Doesn’t the judge know these “February and February” romances seldom work?

For the record, the wedding couple is registered at Babies R Us, Baby Gap, and the Pampers aisle at your local market.

 How do you put a wedding like this together so quickly? Besides Perry, Lucy and Jimmy, who are all thee wedding guests? They’re all dressed up, tuxes and gowns, the church is full — WTH? And I LOVE Lucy’s comment, “It’s weird… But the marriage was ruled legal, and they’ll both be normal tomorrow, so we might as well just go ahead.” God, I love the Silver Age. These two are BABIES and people just shrug.

And of course, the ultimate irony, Lois can’t say her vows, because she has regressed to a baby and cannot speak. I can’t believe there isn’t a lawyer in the church saying this sort of thing happens all the time and have someone get power of attorney to speak for Lois.

So, the next day, the reset button has been pressed, and Dr. Light tracks Lois down and gives her some drug that cured her. Whatever.

Of course she destroyed the picture. Of course she wants to marry Superman fair and square. Of course everything is back to normal.

Thank God that’s the last time anything weird would happen in a Lois Lane comic! Um, except for the very next issue, when a short circuit in her electric typewriter sends Lois into a parallel universe. Really. First story in issue #43!

Wow, that was classic, and Robert's commentary rocked our worlds, didn't it?  Well, don't get too spoiled, poppets, because I'll be back tomorrow with the usual lackluster posts.  See you then!