D'Oh! I Should Have Realized Something was Up When Our Kidnap Victim was Wearing a Captain America Mask!

Okay, we're just going to end this week and start next week powering through the last couple of issues of Captain America Comics because... well, it's just getting depressing.

Brace yourself for the most extraordinary of coincidences.

How fortunate that Captain America just happened to be travelling by at that moment... and was able to hear him through the skylight.

Okay, I recognize that the sense of touch is a perfectly legitimate way for a visually-impaired person to get an idea of what a person looks like, so I'm not going to say a word.

MUST... NOT... MAKE... SARDONIC... COMMENT!  TEMPTATION... TOO... GREAT!... MUST... MOVE... ON... TO... NEXT... PANEL...

Whew!  I'm still a (marginally) decent person.

And things get even sillier:

Speaking of visually-impaired, these mobsters know what Collins looks like.  So keep that in mind:

So, how is it that the mobsters not only didn't notice that Collins was wearing a Captain America mask, but the guy who snatched Collins's son didn't notice that the boy was wearing an entire Bucky costume?  Thusly:

And just when I think it can't get any more ridiculous:

Wait for it... you know it's coming...

You know, I had Lasik surgery on my eyes and it was a miracle, but apparently I could have saved myself thousands of dollars by having a guy fire a handgun across the bridge of my nose.

And then things get really weird:

Okay, why did he have to get all cryptic and "Yes, Virginia, There Is a Santa Claus" on his kid?  Cap and Bucky were indeed real.  Everyone saw it.  He didn't have to get philosophical or metaphysical in the slightest.  "Yes, son, they're real.  We just saw them."  Case closed!  Does everything have to be so dang heartwarming?

I guess I'm just getting bitter in my old age.  I'm surprised you still come and visit me.

I'll see you Monday!

In Which Captain America Goes to Heck

As we've seen, Captain America without Nazis just isn't the same.  By 1954, there was a new enemy for America, but... well, I'll let you be the judge:

It seems like the WWII comics were much more about the ideals of America rather than "we're awesome and everyone else is scum" of these issues.  It's just an opinion, of course, but the comics clearly weren't striking a chord with readers because the title would finally be cancelled in an issue or two.

But right before that, for two glorious issues, Captain America Comics became Captain America's Weird Tales.  Thusly:

I guess I'll answer the door to my apartment in full costume.  Because why not?

Yoda?  Is that you?

Captain America.... damned for all eternity by bureaucracy.  Awesome! 

Captain America going to Hell to fight a dead Red Skull is all kinds of awesome.  Don't even try to tell me it isn't.

Suddenly! (tm!)

But then...

It was Only a Dream... or WAS It? (tm!)

And then there was this:

$3.49 including the crotch piece?  I would have paid $3.49 for the crotch piece alone!  Also awesome!

See you tomorrow!

Batman Asks that You Please Hold Your Applause... Unless It's Lusty

Take a look at the title for the cover story of Batman #165:

I had no idea quitting the human race was an option.  There are days I would totally take you up on it.

Have you heard about Batman's physical prowess?  Well, he's happy to tell you about it:

Your "tip-top physical condition"?  Well, toot toot, Batman!

And then there was this:

I'm not sure what "lusty" applause sounds like.  I would expect a lot of heaving breathing and the like.

Anyway:

A WOMAN?  SPUTTER! SPUTTER! WHY, I NEVER...

And finally....

The conflict would rage on for years.  Many would join their respective causes, and many would die. But they would die at peace, knowing that they were giving their all for an ideal greater than themselves.  'Twas all at once the most tragic yet triumphant of times... a time of different-flavored fudge.

Okay, it was silly.  But I think vanilla fudge actually sounds kinda good.  And wasn't there a band called Vanilla Fudge?

Hey, there was!  And they were on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon some years back:

Bitchin'!

See you tomorrow! 

Barbara and Cliff and Fred and Carol

EGAD!  It's more from Boy Meets Girl Comics #9!

Let's check in on Barbara and Cliff:

Yeah, I'll just bet Barbara's mother loves cleaning up after you two.  But Babs is a working gal, so....

Insert your own "Never turn down the opportunity for boning" joke here.

Enough of that.  What's up with Fred and Carol?

Any girl who says you have to "prove" your affection for her is always worth it

Carol: Mistress of the Double Standard

Oooooh!  DENIED by Fred!

I wish Fred would ask me so I can turn him down.

Carol is a terrible person.  Can we all agree to that?

Well... Touche! (tm!)

But this is a romance comic, so love (or whatever it is those two have) prevails:

Fred would have been better off winning the bet.  We're all thinking it.

Hey!  Let's get sexy!

Yeah!  The Redoos-U-Suit!  All the stars are doing it!

See you tomorrow!