All I Have to Do to Keep My Job Around Here is Drop Dead!

I didn't mention this before, but much like the Golden Age Phantom Lady, the Golden Age Blue Beetle had runs from different publishers.  I'm going through the Fox Publishing years right now, which appear to be from the 1940's.

And by the way, did you know that Joan Mason, the Blue Beetle version of Lois Lane, was also a reporter for a newspaper called the Daily Planet?  The things we learn!

Anyway, today's panels are from Golden Age Blue Beetle #51.  Here we see a rather rare installment of There Ain't Gonna Be No Trial! (tm!):

Now, it's not like this guy didn't go on a spree and murder people himself.  A professor had discovered a way to convert living tissue into solid gold, so our enterprising and homicidal fellow went around turning people who had done him wrong into gold statutes.  He would then melt them down and he'd have destroyed the evidence while making himself rich.

Anyway, he gets stopped before he can melt down his last three victims.  So, what happens to these four solid gold statutes?

They sit in police storage:

I realize it's distasteful, considering these used to be human beings and all that, but isn't this kind of a waste of perfectly good gold?  I have no idea who would have access to it, so maybe it was tied up in the courts or something.  But I wouldn't have it just sitting outside the courtroom at police headquarters like it is here.  And why is there a courtroom in police headquarters?  

I'm not understanding much of this.  Let's try some Fun with Out of Context Dialogue! (tm!):

Well, that sounds uncomfortable, and I don't think that would make you much of a hit with the ladies.  Then again, I haven't been in the dating scene for over 20 years, so what do I know?

Joan's annual performance review didn't go as well as she'd hoped.

Joan also had relationship problems.

Here's one of the most interesting escapes on record:

WOW!  That is dedication on both their parts!

And I'll be danged if it didn't work!

That was a pretty high-risk maneuver there.  If she didn't faint at the sight of blood, they'd still be looking down the barrel of a gun, only with the Blue Beetle hemorrhaging all over Joan.  That would certainly confuse the Medical Examiner:  Cause of Death: Bullet wound.  Although it appears that Joan stabbed the Blue Beetle in the arm for some reason...

See you tomorrow!

Klunk-Yeep! Yeep!

It's a super kinda day at CMNS!

From Action Comics #299, we have a CMNS Moment... of Comic Book Greatness! (tm!)

This has been a CMNS Moment... of Comic Book Greatness! (tm!)

From the landmark (sorta) Action Comics #300:

Although he was the last to accept it, Superman eventually had to acknowledge that his fan club just wasn't what it used to be...

Hey!  Check it out!

What other blog gives you a flying horse fighting a giant hawk carrying a small child?  NONE.  That's right.  You want that sort of thing, and you come back here.  To me!  TO ME!  HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Sorry.  I got a little carried away there.  Of course, that was Comet the Super-Horse, who was actually a dude turned into a horse when he was accidentally given... I guess the potion that turns dudes into horses.  Which, now that I think about it, should have been pretty clearly labelled.

Whatever.  FLYING HORSES FIGHTING CHILD-CARRYING HAWKS!

See you tomorrow!

Harumph! Harumph! Harumph!

Happy Monday!  Today's panels come from a couple of issues of the Golden Age Blue Beetle, but I can't swear as to which ones.  Let's just enjoy the mystery!

What's the Blue Beetle up to?

And after a trial by a jury of his peers, the Blue Beetle was court-ordered not to be within 2000 feet of a playground, school or day care center.

Well.... not really, although that would have been hilarious.  The editors had this brilliant idea that kids might be more inclined to purchase comics if there was a chance they might actually appear in them.  So, if you sent your pertinents and whatnots to them, there was a (I imagine very slight) chance you might get to star in an adventure with the Blue Beetle.

The funny thing is, there was really no explanation as to why the Blue Beetle was yawning.  I think he was simply bored with the prospect of babysitting a couple of fans.  

And, things went as you might imagine.  The kids were more of a distraction for our hero, who probably could have resolved things in five panels had he not spent all his time rescuing... well, everyone on his team.

But there was this:

Okay.  You get points for tickling an elephant with a tree.

And now, the premiere of Lackadaisical Warden (tm!):

He's vested in his pension and has already picked out his retirement condo in Florida.  He cares not whether the convicted prisoners are inside the prison walls or not.  He's Lackadaisical Warden (tm!)!

See you tomorrow!

Your Head! It's an ANT'S Head!

FINALLY, we see some giant ants, courtesy of Action Comics #296:

Yeah, that's a plan, Lois.  Why wouldn't giant ants know American Sign Language?

It didn't work?  Well, I'll be danged.  Superman, of course, has a much more sensible plan:

See?  And how do we know that this was a good plan?

Because it worked.  That's all it takes in comics.

Hey!  It's time for some Fun with Out of Context Dialogue! (tm!)

See you Monday!

The Monkey Fencer: Adventurer, Coveter, Social-Climber

From the Golden Age Blue Beetle #20:

Collins was a skilled sailor, but his relationships with his co-workers hindered his career advancement.

17th Century France?  Can you believe this feature wasn't a smash hit?

Wow.  This guy is just cruel.  "My bald-headed, long-nosed, and big-eared valet and friend"?  Somebody smack this guy.

Thank you!  And, for those of you keeping score: Random Bitch-Slap! (tm!)

So, why is he "the Monkey Fencer"?

And this wasn't a big success?  We've got a guy who jumps around in 17th Century France.  What the heck did comic book readers want back in the day?

Ugh.  I hate it when people think it's funny to make you guess things.  When someone pulls that kind of nonsense on me, the conversation is over.

Anyway, something happens, the guy is rich again, and everyone has a very awkward conversation:

  Oh, everyone else is being all coy and whatnot.  I appreciate the need for tact, I truly do.  When someone says, "I'm just very honest," that is another way of saying, "I have no social graces whatsoever."   But, is it just me, or is Pebbles the only direct person in all of 17th Century France? 

ZAAAAPP!

Out with the old, in with the new... but not until we finish up with our last look at Action Comics #295!

First, it's a CMNS Moment... of Comic Book Greatness! (tm!)

This has been a CMNS Moment... of Comic Book Greatness! (tm!)

I've probably mentioned that I grew up in a town of about 35,000.  It didn't have everything, but it was a decent enough size where you didn't have to drive to the nearest city for everything... just a lot of things.

But I've also lived in towns as small as 1,000 people.  This is pretty much my take-away from my stints in Small Town America:

Yeah, that about sums it up.

This cracked me up:

The way the father breaks the news about brother getting killed in a mountain-climbing accident is priceless.  "Your brother?  Oh, he fell into a meat grinder at the slaughterhouse.  Pass the mashed potatoes."

And I hate to point this out, but if dad wants to keep things a secret from his kid, he probably shouldn't say those things out loud right in front of her.  I'm no parenting expert, but I would think that some protocols just make sense.

I loves me some comics.  I truly do.

See you tomorrow!

The Greatest Superman Story Ever, Part 2

Once again, through the awesome power of editing, I bring you more of the Greatest Superman Story Ever Told, as adapted from Action Comics #295:

See?  Finally, a Superman story worth reading.  You are welcome.

See you tomorrow!

The Greatest Superman Story Ever

And now, through the magic of cutting out everything that happened before and after, I bring you the most awesome Superman story ever told, courtesy of Action Comics #297:

Best. Superman story.  EVER.

See you tomorrow!

Weenies! Yum!

Dear Ones, this will be the last post of the week because of the holiday tomorrow.  So, let's check out Action Comics  #269 to round out the week!

I've said it before, and I'll say it again:

Superman's roster of foes leaves a lot to be desired.

But it did give us this great CMNS Moment of Comic Book Greatness (tm!):

I mean, he's no Baby Face Finster, but Lois's reaction to him is hilarious.

Hey!  It's time for Fun with Out of Context Dialogue! (tm!): 

YEAH!

Meanwhile:

Didn't Superman fall for a mermaid?  What is it with Kryptonians and people who are half fish?

Ugh.  Let's finish with this last bit of Fun with Out of Context Dialogue! (tm!): 

See you Monday!