The Daddy Issues of Roy Revenge!

This is possibly the most awesome story ever, and it came from All-Flash Quarterly #2.  Here's the skinny: Joe Connor gets sent to prison and decides to spend his time hitting the books instead of doing the sensible thing and lifting free weights in the yard:

By the time he is released, the fact that he has done prison time notwithstanding, he basically becomes licensed in everything this side of underwater welding.  

But it's all a ruse.  See this mustache?  He grew it so he could twirl it menacingly while reveling in his evil triumphs: 

"The greatest criminal that ever lived" may be a bit of puffery.  Check out the master criminal's big plan here:

What?  They SEARCH people before they let them interact with prisoners?  How would I know that? It's not like I did time myself and have any familiarity with the prison system!

Oh, wait... I did ten years.  I guess I didn't get many visitors.  That just makes me all the more evil! Watch as I twirl my mustache!

So anyway, Joe gets out of the clink and goes to visit Jim Kelley, the DA who prosecuted him years ago...

Hmmmm.... Some might say that DA Kelley is a bit trusting.  I don't invite anyone to my house that I haven't known for a good ten years, much less people who I had a direct hand in sending to prison.

Getting back to business, Joe wants to put the screws Jim Kelley, because while Jim Kelley is ready to start things afresh over a chicken dinner and Wii Bowling, Joe's hasn't quite turned the figurative page there.  And he's not just going to punch Jim in the nose and be done with it.  Oh, no.

That's right! He kidnaps Jim's son and raises him!  I know many parents who would happily be the victims of that kind of revenge.  You say you want to raise my kid for me?  Where do I sign?

And you know, it's not like kids don't end up resenting their parents anyway.  You might as well let someone else go through all the time and expense of raising the little ingrate.

Meanwhile, this is the greatest dialogue exchange I think I've ever seen between grown-up "Roy Revenge" and his sister, "Reconsider Revenge."

Okay, that's not really her name, but it would certainly apply since we're all descriptive with our names as if we were Dick Tracy villains: 

 But, Sis!  You can't just stop a vengeance in the middle!  Everyone knows that!  Gee whilikers!

The return of this blog has been justified.  The fact that this hissy-fit hasn't seen the light of day in 70 years is a sin.  I expect an Eisner Award, a Bloggie, and a call from the Smithsonian.

See you Monday!

How about a Little Impromptu Entertainment? Thursday!

Moving on to All-Flash Quarterly #2, we get more insight into Joan Williams:

Don't you dare tell him!  Unless you think he likes me!  Do you think he likes me?  Has he said anything?  What did he say?  Is he looking at me?  Is he looking at me right now?

I don't know that it's really fair to say that Joan "always manages to get herself involved in scrapes that the Flash has to get her out of."  I think we've well established that if they were a little more discreet in their relationship, every mobster in Keystone City wouldn't be sending goons to her house on a regular basis.

Most comic nerdlingers know that when Superman was first introduced, he could jump really high (I have it on good authority that he could "leap tall buildings with a single bound").  They tried to do the same thing with Jay... to a degree:

That just doesn't make sense to me.  I mean, I'm not an aerodynamic engineer or anything, but I just don't see how running really fast would translate into defying gravity.  Any reason we shouldn't call "shenanigans" on that one?

Oh, let's go back one issue for more Fun with Out of Context Dialogue! (tm!)

The Flash will be happy to help you, but first you've got to do a little something for the Flash...

See you tomorrow!

The Words "Prostrate" and "Prostate" are Way Too Similar Wednesday

Still on All-Flash Quarterly #1.  Jay needed all those pages to finally realize he was putting Joan's life at risk.

Gee, Jay... ya think?  I'd say the horse is already out of the barn on that one.  And I don't think you can consider everything all sunshine and sausages once this particular case has concluded.  I suspect everyone this side of Vandal Savage is going to take a shot at Joan if they're paying any kind of attention.

Every once in a blue moon, I stumble upon a character I've never heard of in my forty-plus years of comic nerdlingerdom.  "Butch McLobster" is just such a character:

I spared you the rest of the two page strip because it was pretty lame.  But that's a bitchin' name Butch McLobster has there.  If DC revives him, you'll know where they got the idea.

You know what another great name for a character would be?  The Prostrate Cowboy:

Well, I think it would be a cool name.  Although I've caught myself singing, "Some people call me the Prostrate Cowboy... some people call me the gangster of looooove.... SOME PEOPLE CALL ME MAURIIIIICE..."

Okay, I'm finished with that now. 

Another thing that I enjoy about rifling through really old comics is the window into the time in which they were published.  For example, I've never heard this expression before:

I admit, I've no idea what a "gink" is.  I'm a little afraid to Google it.  I Googled an expression I had never heard and it turned out to be a racial slur.  I felt like a creep for Googling it, so I'm just going to hope for the best with this one.

Hey!  It's time for Fun with Out of Context Dialogue! (tm!)

Okay, I'm going to pull back on the camera a little.  You've had the chuckle already, so look at the whole thing:

The Golden Age Flash had some kind of "invisibility" setting that he used a lot, and I'm just having a hard time with it.  I mean, he looks like he's a miniature tornado there.  Seriously, the guy has no idea that something whirling around next to him?  Shenanigans!

But don't mess with the Flash.  He will take you down, my friend.  Like out of the picture.  And he'll make it look like natural causes: 

Wow, that's hardcore.  Although I wonder how he was planning on pulling that off?  Maybe take him to Carl's Jr.?  I'll be he was going to take him to Carl's Jr. and tell him to order that weird "pulled pork on a burger" thing.  That would do it.  It would take a little time, though. 

See you tomorrow!

I'll Chafe Them Back to Consciousness Tuesday!

So I'm still going through All-Flash Quarterly #1 and I've got to admit I didn't realize that it was common knowledge that Joan was the girlfriend of the Flash.  But the Disembodied Floating Heads (tm!) don't lie:

And sure enough, I get to the second story (with the first appearance of legendary Golden Age badguy, the Monocle) and it appears that anyone paying attention knows that the Flash and Joan have a thing:

Hmmmm... the Monocle had enough sense to keep detailed records on everyone in law enforcement, yet he didn't put it together that Joan was tight with Jay Garrick long before he became the Flash?

And if I were Joan, I'd be a little bit nervous about everyone knowing I was keeping company with the main crimefighter in Keystone City.  You know, the one with the secret identity.  So if they wanted to get to him, really the only choice is to come after...

Oh, come on, Joan!  You had to see that coming!  Did they not have peepholes in the 1940's?  Just because some strange men knock on the door doesn't mean you have to swing it wide open!

Jay, what'll you do?  What'll you do?

Well, I guess you could make Joan some nice hats.  She probably wouldn't see that coming at this point.

Forget the brains, I'm more impressed with that rockin' mustache.  

And he wasn't that bright, either.  This was the big death trap he set for the Flash:

Although it apparently had some degree of effectiveness because the Flash seems quite stymied.  And I'm no great scientist like the Flash or anything, but I would think that the real Monocle is the guy who isn't just a head resting on a torso.

Again, which one isn't just a floating head?  I'd shoot that one first and see how that turned out for me.

Well I hate to backseat drive, but you may have just over-thought things a bit.  It's a common problem for Golden Age Villains.

Hey, you know what we haven't seen in a long time?  Fun with Out of Context Dialogue! (tm!) 

To be fair, the last one didn't make a lot of sense in context, either.

See you tomorrow!

Cigarettes Made Me a Super-Hero Monday!

Let's celebrate our first day back (after almost 18 months!) with a comics celebration: The Golden Age Flash getting kicked out of the Justice Society:

Yeah, I know... he's an "Honorary Member."  But when they go to that much trouble to memorialize your new status, they've probably already changed the locks at the old Justice Society HQ.

And he was replaced by Johnny Thunder, which gives you an idea of how much they valued his position.  Nothing says "we'll never be able to fill your shoes" like giving your slot to the comic relief.

Although I kinda like Johnny Thunder.  He had a cool name and he used phrases like "HOTCHA!"  That's a phrase that needs a comeback if ever there was one.

Anyway...

All-Flash Quarterly #1 is where we find ourselves checking out this handy origin:

Wow, how old is that guy with the girls?  I mean, I started going gray in my twenties, but that guy is a hard 45 years old if he's a day.  I've never been much of a sports guy, either, but if Jay can't hold his own against guys twice his age, I can see why the chicks don't dig him.

Anyway, Jay spends his time in a lab, which is a good place to be if you're hoping to get super-powers.  Or radiation poisoning like Madame Curie.

I don't know what "hard water" is, but seeing old Jay light up there gives me a clue as to why he can't keep up with elderly men in competitive sporting events.

Clumsiness: It's the #2 cause of getting super-powers, right behind getting bathed in radiation and not growing a second penis.

Yes, it's my first post back, and I've already used the word "penis."  I'm a little concerned about our prospects for future posts.  Oh, well.  Hi, Googlers!

Anyway, Jay feels swell and can't understand why he can't leave the hospital: 

Mental Note: The nurse knows too much.  I must silence her lips forever.

Hmmmm... that hand vibrates really quickly, all right.Well, at least he's eliminated the need for a girlfriend now.

I'm so sorry.  I felt pressured to keep the Googlers who had Googled the word "penis" entertained.  

Anyway...

Jay goes and bugs a police sergeant about "criminal sections of the city."  Because, you know, a police scanner and the ability to run anywhere within the city limits in the blink of an eye wouldn't give you enough of a jump on things:

Mental Note: The officer knows too much.  I must silence his lips forever.

And Jay slaps together a pretty sad excuse for a costume, even by Golden Age standards:

I'm actually being too hard on it.  Sure, it looks like he sewed a lightning bolt to a sweater, threw on a pair of jeans and attached wings to a hubcap.  But the Golden Age Flash is one of the most iconic figures in comics.  He's instantly recognizable, due in no small part to the fact that he's gone 70 years without a single costume change.  Not even Batman or Superman can claim that.

Hey!  Jay has a girlfriend?

Hmmmm... I'll bet Jay was in the Friendzone until he told Joan he had super-powers.  That's really the only reason you'd rat yourself out like that.

And look at the expression on Jay's face.  Sure, I'll use it to aid the wronged... but I've also got this thing with my hand I can do now that you're REALLY gonna love!

Again, my apologies for that last bit, but it really went well with the previous joke about his hand moving really quickly and I felt committed.

Anyway, he's the Flash now.

Wait. A. Minute.  The guy waited until a few months after he graduated college??  How long was THAT?  How many crimes did he fail to prevent during that time?  Yeah, I think everyone should make the most out of their college years, but there's got to be some kind of Karmic payback when the Rag Doll pillages and plunders while you're getting 'faced at keggers.  I'm just saying.

Ahhhhhh... good to be back, indeed.

Because I Have Nothing Better to Do, That's Why!

Dear Ones,

For those who have me on one of those new-fangled feedy-things, I just wanted to give you a head's up (heads-up?) (heads up?) (head's-up) that CMNS will resume for no particular reason on Monday, September 24th.  I can't promise daily posts, but I think the world needs a bit more laughter and I'll do it while it's fun.

So what have I been up to for the past 18 months?  Well, Gabe Ostley and I finished a few projects you can find on Amazon, Barnes and Noble and Itunes:  Snatcher Bodies, My Date with Medusa and Hero Action Persons.  We had a lot of fun and I developed a whole new respect for those who actually make comics.  I'm very proud of those titles, but the fact is that the comics industry is just brutal right now and there's not much room in the lifeboats.  Beloved is fine, managing the dog farm with a ladylike yet iron fist.

I hemmed and hawed around for the last couple of months about starting things up again.  I had to ask myself  if I hadn't topped out of the blog's potential.  And the honest answer is, I probably have.  But then again, so what?  It's all about sharing the love of comics and having a laugh.  What's wrong with that?  So let's see if Adam can figure out how Blogspot works these days and enjoy the ride.