Friday, September 28, 2012

The Daddy Issues of Roy Revenge!

This is possibly the most awesome story ever, and it came from All-Flash Quarterly #2.  Here's the skinny: Joe Connor gets sent to prison and decides to spend his time hitting the books instead of doing the sensible thing and lifting free weights in the yard:

By the time he is released, the fact that he has done prison time notwithstanding, he basically becomes licensed in everything this side of underwater welding.  

But it's all a ruse.  See this mustache?  He grew it so he could twirl it menacingly while reveling in his evil triumphs: 

"The greatest criminal that ever lived" may be a bit of puffery.  Check out the master criminal's big plan here:

What?  They SEARCH people before they let them interact with prisoners?  How would I know that? It's not like I did time myself and have any familiarity with the prison system!

Oh, wait... I did ten years.  I guess I didn't get many visitors.  That just makes me all the more evil! Watch as I twirl my mustache!

So anyway, Joe gets out of the clink and goes to visit Jim Kelley, the DA who prosecuted him years ago...

Hmmmm.... Some might say that DA Kelley is a bit trusting.  I don't invite anyone to my house that I haven't known for a good ten years, much less people who I had a direct hand in sending to prison.

Getting back to business, Joe wants to put the screws Jim Kelley, because while Jim Kelley is ready to start things afresh over a chicken dinner and Wii Bowling, Joe's hasn't quite turned the figurative page there.  And he's not just going to punch Jim in the nose and be done with it.  Oh, no.

That's right! He kidnaps Jim's son and raises him!  I know many parents who would happily be the victims of that kind of revenge.  You say you want to raise my kid for me?  Where do I sign?

And you know, it's not like kids don't end up resenting their parents anyway.  You might as well let someone else go through all the time and expense of raising the little ingrate.

Meanwhile, this is the greatest dialogue exchange I think I've ever seen between grown-up "Roy Revenge" and his sister, "Reconsider Revenge."

Okay, that's not really her name, but it would certainly apply since we're all descriptive with our names as if we were Dick Tracy villains: 

 But, Sis!  You can't just stop a vengeance in the middle!  Everyone knows that!  Gee whilikers!

The return of this blog has been justified.  The fact that this hissy-fit hasn't seen the light of day in 70 years is a sin.  I expect an Eisner Award, a Bloggie, and a call from the Smithsonian.

See you Monday!


SallyP said...

Silly woman! Taking all the fun out of revenge!

MarvelX42 said...

I am wondering, how long did this guy raise the kid? I mean it seems like a loooooooooong way to go to get back at someone. You could always just blow up their house or hell being that you kidnapped the kid, film the boy getting tortured and mail it to the dad or just kill him.

Adam Barnett said...

From INFANCY! Yep, swiped him as a baby and raised him to... I'm guessing a teenager.

MarvelX42 said...

I just thought of something. This guy musta been planning this since he got into prison. He was in prison for 10 years. The kid is at least 10 years old by the end of what you have shown us here. That is at least 20 years of planning to get revenge on someone. This dude has it aaaaaal over the guy in the Tell-Tale Heart. An hour to open the door a crack? Hell I will see that and raise you TWO DECADES!