Heh-Heh-Heh! That's What We Want Here, Pretty Girls!

Here's a head-scratcher from Amazing Spider-Man #340:

Mind you, Pete barely knows this guy, and he's ponying up a blood sample???

Yeah, that would be a problem for me.  I'm not sure I would want anyone else, even a perceived friend, to have that kind of intel on me.  Not only would I be concerned about it falling into enemy hands, but anyone even rumored to have that kind of info on me would be a target.

And do we even need to get into the whole "compromising the secret identity" thing?  Yeesh!

Hey!  It's time for Fun with Out of Context Dialogue! (tm!):

Francine was reconsidering her decision to join Match.com.

Thank you, thank you!  Tip your waitress!

See you tomorrow!

Have a Tootsie Roll, Fatso!

Hey!  It's time for Fun with Out of Context Dialogue (tm!), courtesy of All-Flash Quarterly #19!

We've all been there, haven't we, fellas?

Here's another bit that gave me a chuckle:

Captain Tootsie: Enabler.

Or to put it another way, Eating a Tootsie Roll gives you so many calories that you'll have to ride a bike for three miles to burn it off!  But whoever their spin doctors were should have their own exhibit in the Smithsonian.

See you Monday!

White Girl Breaks Loose from Torture Wheel!

So you're asking yourself, "What's up with the poll over there on the right?"

Well, here's the deal.  As you may or may not know, Gabe and I finished the awesome Hero Action Persons mini-series.  Thusly:

It's readily available on Amazon, Nook, Itunes, Comixology and graphic.ly.  But those are only digital copies.

We are planning to put together some print copies for those who would be interested in going that route.  However, the big question is whether we should put them out in individual issues or as a trade paperback of the entire 200 page saga.

One thing to point out is that only the digital copies will have Ru's glorious color at this time.  We would love to print these things in color, but it's cost-prohibitive for a small-time operation like us.  For example, a full-color TPB would have to cost around $33 while we could offer the same thing in grayscale for a much more recession-friendly $14.99.

Anyway, please take a moment and let us know how you would be more inclined to buy this little bit of awesomeness.

Now, back to the blog and Pep Comics #6:

The Shield....

.... can't wait for the elevator.

Hey!  It's time for some Fun with Out-of-Context Artwork!(tm!):

Maybe not, but if he's got you in that position, I'll bet he expects you to cuddle.

And hey!  It's time for Fun with Out of Context Dialogue!(tm!):

Suddenly, indeed!

Hey, Shield!  Can you help me with these secret panels?

Okay, okay... can you at least grab me some toothpicks before you...

... man, you're in a hurry today.  Why all the rush?

Oh.  All right, then.

See you tomorrow!

Peculiar Salads!

Finishing up All-Flash Quarterly #12....

.... well, you start seeing strange things when you eat the peculiar salad.  Just say no, kids!

So, the Resentful District Attorney Clifford Devoe becomes the Thinker.  Fanboys will note that DC would recycle the name later in the Silver Age (not to be confused with Marvel's "Mad Thinker").  Turns out he doesn't think things through very well, especially for an attorney, so the name might be ironic (like if someone called me "Slim").

See, it's bad enough that he was busted for the crimes Jay knew about, but he willingly coughs up evidence of other crimes he was plotting.  The best doctors make the worst patients, I suppose.

Jay sure loves salad.

See you tomorrow!

Every District Attorney is One Lost Case Away from Villainy!

I have to admit I've been a little disappointed in All-Flash Quarterly.  Sure, there have been some bright spots, but for every Roy Revenge there has been a slew of generic gangster bad guys that painfully proved to me once again that a hero is only as interesting as the villains he fights.  Which is why Batman is so awesome and Superman is so lame. 

But every so often, just when I'm about to dutifully go through an issue of All-Flash Quarterly with zero expectations, I'm given issue #12.

HUNK NORVOCK!  That is the greatest name ever.

And this is the worst district attorney ever:

Wow.  Way to fold up your tent there, Clifford.  It's one thing to see that your case is in trouble, but it's a whole 'nuther thing to waive a white flag once you're in trial.  Clifford lost some serious cred there with the public who holds an election every four years to determine whether or not Clifford will still be doing that job.  Thusly:

I don't know why Clifford is looking all resentful.  The man did everything short of wet his pants and lay in the fetal position in the middle of the courtroom.  Did he expect anything else?

But then Clifford goes completely off the rails and decides that not only is being a prosecutor not his bag, but he's now going to resort to a life of crime.  Of course, he could always just do something else in the legal profession, go back to school and enter a different profession... there are many attractive options out there.  But not Clifford.

Clifford likes him some whiskey and rye, it appears.

So, I'm singin' "Bye, bye, Mr. Prosecutor Guy,

In a hurry, told the jury

Norvack's witness wouldn't lie

And now your career has taken a dive

I guess now you'll lead a life of criiiiiiiime

Soon as you finish your whiskey and ryeeeeeeee"

It took me a few minutes to come up with something that would fit into the chorus of "American Pie" like that.  If Clifford had put that kind of effort into preparing his case, he wouldn't be staring resentfully into his shot glass like that.

See you tomorrow!

Yay! I Cut Off a Man's Leg! I'm the Best Hero EVER!

Following up with yesterday's teaser, Pep Comics #4 did indeed have a cross-over between the Shield and the Wizard.  Or is it The Shield and The Wizard?

Anyway, here it is:

And they exchanged info and went their separate ways.

I'm not picking on this story for going in that direction.  Heck, the Justice Society spent 80% of their time on solo missions before actually teaming up.  Remember how many issues of World's Finest it took before Superman and Batman actually got together aside from the covers?  That was just how they rolled back in the Golden Age.

What I noticed was how civilized everyone was in their first meeting.  If this had been a Stan Lee comic, the two would have beaten each other half to death and caused at least a couple of million dollars in property damage before declaring a draw.

Anyway, the Shield story was pretty weak, so on to the Comet.  Or is it The Comet?  There has to be a rule here, but dang if I know what it is, and I have a degree (cum laude, no less) in English.

The Comet, you may recall, is on the run after going on a killing spree whilst under the influence of hypnosis. So, he finds himself out in the sticks where some kind of mining is taking place.

So he amputates that poor guy's leg and is actually feeling pretty good about it.  The camera cut away from the poor guy languishing in pain, clutching his stump in agony while the Comet flew off in a moment of self-congratulation.  Of course, one wonders why he didn't try to disintegrate the ground under the guys leg to try wriggling it out, but I'm not the guy with the lifty visor.

The bottom line: The Comet gives up fighting crime to work for the Occupational Health and Safety Administration:

No, not really.  But wouldn't that have been hilarious?

See you Monday!

My Super Brain, Drugs, and the Metric System

Apparently, the qualifications for having a "super-brain," were a bit lower back in the day:

So we're supposed to get all weak in the knees because he correctly identified three people in uniform/costume?  Slow down, Wizard!  Let me catch my breath!  

And he even correctly identified himself. 

And now, a public service message from Fu Chang.... International Detective:

It's like every Afterschool Special I ever watched.

Meanwhile, let's check in on Sgt. Effin' Boyle...

Ten to one... or as we count here in the USA, three to one.  That Metric System gets a little complicated when you try to convert it to ours.

That reminds me... remember the Metric Marvels?

This was back in the day when we were going to convert to the Metric System.  The system itself was actually easy to grasp, but everyone insisted that you had to know the formulas to convert our current system to Metric and vice versa.  That involved a lot of math, and we as a culture just weren't going to do that.  Had they just said, "We're following the Metric System now," and switched everything, it probably would have worked out.  But some people just won't relax unless you're forced to do things the hard way.

Thusly:

See?  5/8th of a mile?  Screw you, Metric System!

Ah, memories.

See you tomorrow!

Forget the Writer or the Artist, I Buy Books Based on Who the Associate Editor Is!

So I'm leafing through All-Flash Quarterly #8.  You may recall that the powers that be put a poll in the book, asking readers to weigh in as to how they felt about Winky, Blinky and Noddy as well as whether they wanted to see full-length stories or four shorter ones.  Winky, Blinky and Noddy (unlike Jason Todd) were given a vote of approval by the readers, while readers were reportedly evenly-divided as to the length of the stories.  So, they cut the figurative baby in half and announced that future issues would have two longish stories of 32 pages (rather than four 16-pagers or one 64 pager), disappointing everyone equally.

I, for one, wanted short stories but I was about 70 years too late to cast a meaningful ballot.  I wasn't in favor of long stories because that meant when a story opened with something like this:

... you were stuck with it for 64 pages.  

What struck me as funny about this is that the kid was blind and was having complications from an operation designed to restore his sight.  The upshot was that if he couldn't stay awake without stimulus (no Mountain Dew for him!), he wouldn't survive. The kid's mother remarked that the kid was a huge fan of the Flash and so Jay shows up to tell him a story.  Because kids never fall asleep when you tell them a story while they're laying flat on their backs in a bed.

Which meant that we got a lot of stuff like this: 

I don't know what kind of "quick relief" he's talking about, but the look on his face is telling me I don't want it.

It didn't get any better, even in a "it's so bad it's good because I can make fun of it on CMNS" kind of way.  As you might expect, the kid regains his sight and realize that Jay and the Flash are one in the same.

And now that you can see, do I have any boogers?

Okay, I'm better than that.  My point with the panel is that Jay was talking to the kid as the Flash the entire time and isn't quick enough to stop the kid's chatter before he gets out everything but the last syllable?  That room still has the doctor and the kid's mother in there, so I'm pretty sure the cat's out of the proverbial sack.

Here was an ad I saw for the second issue of Wonder Woman:

Well, I was going to skip it, but ALICE MARBLE, WORLD'S FORMER AMATEUR TENNIS CHAMPION IS THE ASSOCIATE EDITOR?  Well, put a gun to my head, why don'tcha?  That rocks on so many levels!

See you tomorrow!

Do You Like Whips? Because Von Leo Would Like to Speak with You.

The Press Guardian story from Pep #3 has me befuzzled.  First, it appears that even though they totally revamped the character from the first story, they're going to bring it up.  

So, was Perry "The Falcon"?  Why did he lose that identity?  Someone needs to make with some explanations, or I may lose my deep reverence for this particular character.

Anyway, never wonder if your arch enemy really died, because you'll totally jinx it.

But Leo is a pretty cool cat, so I don't mind seeing him come back:

Yeah!  And shove bamboo strips under her fingernails if she doesn't make my sandwich correctly!

But Leo really doesn't think things through.  Thusly:

Now, I'm not trying to tell Leo how to run his evil railroad there, but wouldn't it have made more sense to just bomb the Daily Express?  I mean, it just seems a bit more direct is all...

Leo has a hard time with the smaller picture as well.  Thusly:

...or, if I remember that I have a gun in my other hand, I'll just play it safe and shoot you!

Not that our hero is much better:

Okay, this does make more sense than Batman tucking his cowl into disguises (which is much more effective than I would anticipate), but how did the guard recognize the Press Guardian without his mask?  It's not that Perry uses the greatest disguise, but all things considered, that's one sharp henchmen.  When the Moronia Bund folks are looking to advance someone into management, they should review this guy.

And seriously, why is Perry even bothering?

I'm not sure who the bald guy is.  Is that his dad?  Because his dad doesn't know that Perry is the Press Guardian.  Although he certainly does now.

You know what you can't do?  This:

Try to lift someone high over your head that isn't cooperating.  It's not going to happen.  And if Perry has powers, I've yet to see that explained or revealed so I'm calling shenanigans.

See you tomorrow!

Visor-Lifty! Melty-Melty! Willy-Nilly! All in One Post!

And we're back!  Hope everyone had a great holiday!  Let's check out the Comet story from Pep Comics #3:

Okay, I have a question....

... does everyone just know who the Comet really is?  I ask this because at the beginning of the story, a cop addressed him by his real name.  And it wasn't some big-wig muckety-muck cop, either.  So I thought that maybe his identity was common knowledge by law enforcement.  But as you can see, he's an easy man to find by pretty much anyone with a phone book.  If it were me, I certainly wouldn't just live in a regular house if I were out beating up criminals.  That's why you have caves and your fortresses in the Arctic and such.  I mean, the Fantastic Four were pretty easy to find, but they had all kinds of security measures Reed Richards came up with.  It seems that someone is a little too confident in their abilities.

Especially for a guy who is helpless in a glass tube:

WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIS LIPS???

I don't know whether the colorist thought suddenly the Comet had ingested Joker toxin or what, but that is really creepy.

And it didn't stop there:

Or there:

So, putting aside the "everyone in this story is wearing really bright lipstick for no discernable reason" issue, the Comet is hypnotized and no longer limits his homicidal rampages to bad guys.

And, as one might expect of a fellow name "Satan," he cheated his partner, who then returned the favor by siccing the still-hypnotized Comet on him:

That's a pretty pitiful death scene for someone named "Satan," but it is what it is.

Unfortunately, as he seems wont to do, the Comet left his shield up:

Visor-lifty, melty-melty... you get the idea.

The Comet then comes out of the spell for no reason in particular:

I don't think that if you're hypnotized to that level that the death of your hypnotist is going to just undo everything.  I'm just saying.  I mean, I know we couldn't have him flying around melting people willy-nilly indefinitely, but ...

Oh, and that was the last panel.  We have an actual cliffhanger!  I don't know if it's going to be an ongoing thing or if he's going to clear his name in the next issue, but that's kind of a rarity for your Golden Age stories.

See you tomorrow

If I was Going to Make Up a Name, It Wouldn't be "Zongarr."

Dear Ones, I fear I'll be taking a week off for the Thanksgiving Holiday next week.  I hope you have a great one!  I, for one, am grateful that I was able to return to blogging glory with more readers than ever.  So thanks to everyone who came back after the hiatus and welcome to the newsters.

But as we head off for a well-deserved vacation, let us learn about the Golden Age Shield.

The Shield...

... does not support diversity.

And the Shield...

... is a master of disguise.  Hey!  Don't look at me from the neck down!

The Shield...

... is courteous enough to phone ahead.

And the Shield...

was apparently a fan of Nickelback.

I'll see you Monday, November 26th with new posts!  Have a great holiday!