Forget the Past and Marry Your Sister Tuesday!

Well, we've come this far, so I know you'd never forgive me if we didn't finish the "Roy Revenge" story from All-Flash Quarterly #2.  The quarterly usually had four stories in it, but this mamma-jamma took up the whole thing, so even writer Gardner Fox recognized how awesome this tale was and wouldn't shorten it up for anyone.

Anyhoo, Joe Connor was imprisoned, as was Roy:

Considering the trouble and dedication Joe Connor went through to execute his revenge, Roy is seeming pretty sissified here.  I mean, I know Roy isn't aware that Joe went so far as to raise someone else's child for the sole purpose of getting back at them, but I'm thinking Joe was probably a bit more dedicated and should have called himself "Joe Revenge."

Fortunately, Joe is a bit more dedicated.  He breaks himself out of prison by hiding in a barrel of lye... which is a really bad, disfiguring idea.  But Joe is nothing if not persistent, so he makes lemons out of the lye that melted his face halfway off his skull and changes his face so he's not identifiable.  And then Joe breaks Roy out of prison so that Roy can get his revenge.

Meanwhile, Jay finally connected the dots Jim Kelley should have connected about seventeen years earlier:

Don't sign anything until you get a paternity test, Jim!  That's a lot of back child support you could be owing.

Jay promises the help of his alter-ego, who rather carelessly shows up a few minutes later.

Okay, we all know the Flash doesn't wear a mask, right?  I mean, Jim Kelley is about as dense as iridium (which is pretty dang dense... and I know because I googled it), but I would think that even he would notice that the guy standing in front of him is the same guy who was standing in front of him a few minutes earlier.  At least Clark Kent wore glasses.

And yes, I know all about the vibrating Jay supposedly does to keep people from recognizing him, but look here:

I SAID LOOK HERE!:

His face looks pretty clear to me, and this comic is 70 years old.

And that whole "internal vibration" thing seems like a lot of trouble.  So you just twitch all the time?  Wouldn't it be a lot less trouble to just slap a mask over your face?

Anyway, Roy shows up to shoot Jim Kelley, and the Flash lets him know how the cow ate the cabbage:

As you can see by how quickly he process this information, Roy is his father's son.

But Joe, who is still more badass captured than Roy would be with a nuclear bomb strapped to his fanny, takes himself out with a poisoned cigarette:

I think all cigarettes are actually poisoned in their own way.  This one was just quicker.  So long, Joe!  You were much more interesting than your victims.

Speaking of which, things get creepy when Greg and Marcia Brady decide they can act on their smoldering attraction to one another.  And I realize they aren't related by blood, but they were raised together as brother and sister, so... that's just gross.

And there was an ad in the back of the comic for selling Christmas cards or something.  Look at what you got if you sold a single order:

Yes, a live canary.  You've got to give them points for originality on that one.  Although I don't care how safe the delivery is "guaranteed" to be, I'd still be concerned about lawsuits if a bunch of kids get a bunch of dead birds in the mail.  But people were less litigious then, I suppose.

See you tomorrow!

The Roy Revenge Saga pt. 2!

Okay, we're still talking about "Roy Revenge," from All-Flash Quarterly #2.  It's important to know this because it makes the following Fun with Out of Context Dialogue (tm!) worth it:

Get it?

See, his kid calls himself "Roy Revenge" so if he watches "his revenge" come to a quick climax it's...

Well, if you don't get it, that's all the explaining I'm doing.

Meanwhile, no one seems to understand why anyone could possibly have it in for former District Attorney Jim Kelley:

Yeah, what kind of enemies could you have when you prosecute people for a living?  It's hard to image anyone having an ax to grind...

Even Jim Kelley himself can't figure it out: 

I can only assume at this point that he was the most ineffective District Attorney in the history of modern jurisprudence.  If no one has any beef with you and you were trying to put people in prison or have them strapped to a gurney and pumped full of poison, you had to be completely harmless.  Kind of like these baby numbats:

See?  Now picture them in a bad suit trying to prosecute you.  If they failed, would you hold a grudge?  Of course you wouldn't.

Hey!  It's time for some bonus Fun with Out of Context Dialogue! (tm!):

See you tomorrow!

The Daddy Issues of Roy Revenge!

This is possibly the most awesome story ever, and it came from All-Flash Quarterly #2.  Here's the skinny: Joe Connor gets sent to prison and decides to spend his time hitting the books instead of doing the sensible thing and lifting free weights in the yard:

By the time he is released, the fact that he has done prison time notwithstanding, he basically becomes licensed in everything this side of underwater welding.  

But it's all a ruse.  See this mustache?  He grew it so he could twirl it menacingly while reveling in his evil triumphs: 

"The greatest criminal that ever lived" may be a bit of puffery.  Check out the master criminal's big plan here:

What?  They SEARCH people before they let them interact with prisoners?  How would I know that? It's not like I did time myself and have any familiarity with the prison system!

Oh, wait... I did ten years.  I guess I didn't get many visitors.  That just makes me all the more evil! Watch as I twirl my mustache!

So anyway, Joe gets out of the clink and goes to visit Jim Kelley, the DA who prosecuted him years ago...

Hmmmm.... Some might say that DA Kelley is a bit trusting.  I don't invite anyone to my house that I haven't known for a good ten years, much less people who I had a direct hand in sending to prison.

Getting back to business, Joe wants to put the screws Jim Kelley, because while Jim Kelley is ready to start things afresh over a chicken dinner and Wii Bowling, Joe's hasn't quite turned the figurative page there.  And he's not just going to punch Jim in the nose and be done with it.  Oh, no.

That's right! He kidnaps Jim's son and raises him!  I know many parents who would happily be the victims of that kind of revenge.  You say you want to raise my kid for me?  Where do I sign?

And you know, it's not like kids don't end up resenting their parents anyway.  You might as well let someone else go through all the time and expense of raising the little ingrate.

Meanwhile, this is the greatest dialogue exchange I think I've ever seen between grown-up "Roy Revenge" and his sister, "Reconsider Revenge."

Okay, that's not really her name, but it would certainly apply since we're all descriptive with our names as if we were Dick Tracy villains: 

 But, Sis!  You can't just stop a vengeance in the middle!  Everyone knows that!  Gee whilikers!

The return of this blog has been justified.  The fact that this hissy-fit hasn't seen the light of day in 70 years is a sin.  I expect an Eisner Award, a Bloggie, and a call from the Smithsonian.

See you Monday!