In Which I Say "Pull My Finger" Three Times in One Post Tuesday!

Okay, so I'm taking a Flash break to check out Pep Comics #1, from 1940:

Yup, it's the original Shield, the Man with the Humongous Chest Insignia.  What is his origin?  Well, we're not going to waste any time drawing it, that's for dang sure!

Got all that?

Seriously, would your average child have read that?  When I was a lad, I never read the caption boxes.  Ever.

Anyway, Higgins is a government agent, so he gets orders from some FBI Chief muckety-muck:

Your first assignment is TO PULL MY FINGER!

Forgive me for asking, but I am a product of American public schools and I have no idea what "Stokian" is. Is or was that a thing?  Because Google is telling me nuthin'...

AND I SAID PULL MY FINGER!

WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?  THE PUBLIC IS CLAMORING FOR ACTION... AND CLAMORING FOR YOU TO PULL MY FINGER!

I don't know that I would want to be known as "The Dreaded Shield."  I mean, does everyone dread him?  Why is that?  Is he a poor house guest?

Anyway, with an origin like that, I guess you can just have whatever super-powers that pop into your writer's head:

There's always a way in... for the Shield!  

You can tell he's got low self-opinion by the way he refers to himself in the third person.  Adam has been known to do that himself.

This is my favorite part: He takes down the spies, and then just stands there for what had to be a really long time:

I mean, I suppose if you're invulnerable, it's not a huge deal, but why make life harder than it needs to be?  And I have to point out, this is taking place in a hotel, so I presume some folks were blown to smithereens when the bomb went off.

Oh, well.  The Shield still gets his man, but not wishing to reveal his identity (kind of a weird priority for a man who refers to himself in the third person), he puts his business card into the hands of his foes.  You know, because the best way to keep your identity a secret is to leave physical evidence of your identity in the hands of others.

Not the best strategy for keeping things on the down-low, but he didn't ask for my advice! 

Hey, is that spy wearing fingernail polish?  It sure looks like fingernail polish.

See you tomorrow!

The Roy Revenge Saga pt. 2!

Okay, we're still talking about "Roy Revenge," from All-Flash Quarterly #2.  It's important to know this because it makes the following Fun with Out of Context Dialogue (tm!) worth it:

Get it?

See, his kid calls himself "Roy Revenge" so if he watches "his revenge" come to a quick climax it's...

Well, if you don't get it, that's all the explaining I'm doing.

Meanwhile, no one seems to understand why anyone could possibly have it in for former District Attorney Jim Kelley:

Yeah, what kind of enemies could you have when you prosecute people for a living?  It's hard to image anyone having an ax to grind...

Even Jim Kelley himself can't figure it out: 

I can only assume at this point that he was the most ineffective District Attorney in the history of modern jurisprudence.  If no one has any beef with you and you were trying to put people in prison or have them strapped to a gurney and pumped full of poison, you had to be completely harmless.  Kind of like these baby numbats:

See?  Now picture them in a bad suit trying to prosecute you.  If they failed, would you hold a grudge?  Of course you wouldn't.

Hey!  It's time for some bonus Fun with Out of Context Dialogue! (tm!):

See you tomorrow!

Cigarettes Made Me a Super-Hero Monday!

Let's celebrate our first day back (after almost 18 months!) with a comics celebration: The Golden Age Flash getting kicked out of the Justice Society:

Yeah, I know... he's an "Honorary Member."  But when they go to that much trouble to memorialize your new status, they've probably already changed the locks at the old Justice Society HQ.

And he was replaced by Johnny Thunder, which gives you an idea of how much they valued his position.  Nothing says "we'll never be able to fill your shoes" like giving your slot to the comic relief.

Although I kinda like Johnny Thunder.  He had a cool name and he used phrases like "HOTCHA!"  That's a phrase that needs a comeback if ever there was one.

Anyway...

All-Flash Quarterly #1 is where we find ourselves checking out this handy origin:

Wow, how old is that guy with the girls?  I mean, I started going gray in my twenties, but that guy is a hard 45 years old if he's a day.  I've never been much of a sports guy, either, but if Jay can't hold his own against guys twice his age, I can see why the chicks don't dig him.

Anyway, Jay spends his time in a lab, which is a good place to be if you're hoping to get super-powers.  Or radiation poisoning like Madame Curie.

I don't know what "hard water" is, but seeing old Jay light up there gives me a clue as to why he can't keep up with elderly men in competitive sporting events.

Clumsiness: It's the #2 cause of getting super-powers, right behind getting bathed in radiation and not growing a second penis.

Yes, it's my first post back, and I've already used the word "penis."  I'm a little concerned about our prospects for future posts.  Oh, well.  Hi, Googlers!

Anyway, Jay feels swell and can't understand why he can't leave the hospital: 

Mental Note: The nurse knows too much.  I must silence her lips forever.

Hmmmm... that hand vibrates really quickly, all right.Well, at least he's eliminated the need for a girlfriend now.

I'm so sorry.  I felt pressured to keep the Googlers who had Googled the word "penis" entertained.  

Anyway...

Jay goes and bugs a police sergeant about "criminal sections of the city."  Because, you know, a police scanner and the ability to run anywhere within the city limits in the blink of an eye wouldn't give you enough of a jump on things:

Mental Note: The officer knows too much.  I must silence his lips forever.

And Jay slaps together a pretty sad excuse for a costume, even by Golden Age standards:

I'm actually being too hard on it.  Sure, it looks like he sewed a lightning bolt to a sweater, threw on a pair of jeans and attached wings to a hubcap.  But the Golden Age Flash is one of the most iconic figures in comics.  He's instantly recognizable, due in no small part to the fact that he's gone 70 years without a single costume change.  Not even Batman or Superman can claim that.

Hey!  Jay has a girlfriend?

Hmmmm... I'll bet Jay was in the Friendzone until he told Joan he had super-powers.  That's really the only reason you'd rat yourself out like that.

And look at the expression on Jay's face.  Sure, I'll use it to aid the wronged... but I've also got this thing with my hand I can do now that you're REALLY gonna love!

Again, my apologies for that last bit, but it really went well with the previous joke about his hand moving really quickly and I felt committed.

Anyway, he's the Flash now.

Wait. A. Minute.  The guy waited until a few months after he graduated college??  How long was THAT?  How many crimes did he fail to prevent during that time?  Yeah, I think everyone should make the most out of their college years, but there's got to be some kind of Karmic payback when the Rag Doll pillages and plunders while you're getting 'faced at keggers.  I'm just saying.

Ahhhhhh... good to be back, indeed.