Explainin' the Housing Crisis thru Comics Friday!

From World's Finest v1 #29:


Happiness or the electric chair? This is the most badass version of CandyLand I've ever seen!
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For our reader's overseas, allow me to explain the current housing crisis in America:


In 2006, Joel was seduced by a mortgage broker's creative financing options....


.... and by 2009, was wishing he had purchased within his means.

That's pretty much how it went down. Except I don't know of any homeowners going to the death row just for that. Yet.
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Here's another classic Batman Combat Maneuver Against an Armed Opponent:


Swing from a makeshift trapeze while he shoots at you. Wheeeeeee!

See you Monday!

Beastly Thursday!

It's probably no interest to you at all that by the time I was really reading Marvel Comics (thanks to "Spidey Super Stories" on the Electric Company), the Beast was an Avenger. It wasn't until years later that I learned he had been one of the X-Men:


Is that not a bitchin' cover? Love it. I loved X3: The Last Stand primarily because I got to see the Beast. Poor Hank didn't get much respect in the X-Men back in the day, and he was not only the first to leave that team, but the first X-Men to join the Avengers. That's why, when everyone went all spazzy over Wolverine joining the Avengers a couple of years ago, I just yawned. It had been done before.

And it had been done better. The Beast was one of my favorite Avengers, having already won my heart in an issue of Marvel Team-Up where he and Spider-Man fought the Griffin. He was smart, funny, and he had fangs. How bad-ass was that?

I have only found a few issues of Amazing Adventures where he appeared. Only one, actually, where he and the Angel first fought the Griffin and the Beast's fur had gone from gray to black. But that issue, along with the one reprinted here in Avengers v1 #136, give me the idea I should track down the rest.

Here's one thing that bugged me, though:


Granted, I don't think I've ever seen the Beast take a bullet, but really? Is he really bulletproof? Nah. The Hulk is bulletproof in that "I heal so fast it just seems like bullets bounce off me" kind of way. But not Hank. Is he?

This was a great era for the Avengers. The Scarlet Witch was off skinny-dipping with the Vision, Mantis had gone somewhere-and-I-don't-care-where, and the Beast was lending some much-needed personality to the team.

But, as with all things, there was a terrible, terrible cost:


Amen, Hawkeye. Moondragon? Nuts.

Let's watch some Spidey Super Stories, shall we?



And yes, that is Morgan Freeman narrating. How awesome is that?

See you tomorrow!

How Can I Kiss Her when My Face is Made of Rubber Wednesday!

More Golden Age goodies from All-Select Comics #3!

Sure, we know the issue had Captain America, the Human Torch and the Sub-Mariner, but, hey! It's a Golden Age appearance of the unfortunately-named Whizzer!:


I put the splash panel in because he looked even more ridiculous back then. Nice headgear. He made the Golden-Age Flash look like James Bond.
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One thing you shouldn't do when you have a name like "The Whizzer"?:


Never refer to yourself in the third person, especially if you are making your name sound even more like slang for "penis" than it usually does.
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I don't know why "lick" was ever slang for "beat up." It sounds like you gave... ahem, certain favors to the guy.
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And a lovely bit of Fun with Out of Context Dialogue(tm!)


In this day and age, you actually might be more popular with the ladies if your face were made of rubber, but Hank McCoy was ahead of his time. Thanks, Amazing Adventures #12!

And yes, the rest of that dialogue can sound dirty, dirty, dirty if your head is in the right place.

See you tomorrow!

Gorillas and Rural Livin' Tuesday!

Know why I really enjoy Golden Age comics? Because they're awesome:


Tell me you wouldn't buy that comic. You totally would. There is more going on in that cover than in the entire run of Checkmate. It rocks.

My only concern is that Bucky appears to be shooting at the guys in the yellow shirts while Captain America, Namor and the Torches are all fighting the soldiers. Do you think Bucky was going all Full Metal Jacket or something? Maybe he wasn't paying attention during the mission briefing. Kids have no attention span.
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Something you can't get enough of? Super heroes fighting gorillas:


That's right. You're welcome.
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Is anyone else hearing the "Dueling Banjos" tune from Deliverance right now? You sneak around the rear, I'll make a frontal attack, and we'll make him squeal like a pig, boy! Ska-wheeeeeel!
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Writers would often forget that the Torch was an android. I'm not sure he breathes, much less can smell. Try to ignore that.
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Oh, that is an unfortunate camera angle. Someone needs to move. No, seriously. Someone. Needs. To. Move.

See you tomorrow!

Comic Funhouse Monday!

Hey, kids! Comics!

Check out the caption box:


I had a joke about this being a Cosmopolitan article, but then I remembered Nephew Sam reads the blog every so often and I still want to be invited to family functions.
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Hey, let's get popular!


Yeah, nothing says popularity like a guy speaking French while he practices his judo moves on you. Zut, alors! You cry like ze enfant, missour!
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A little Peanuts weirdness from 1952:



And another installment of Charlie Brown, Sexual Harassment Victim:



Yes, it's a weird post today. Some days are just like that.

See you tomorrow!

Adventures in Buckskinin' Friday!

More from World's Finest v1 #28:


Yes, I've got a secret weapon for today's ball game! It's a little something I call anabolic steroids!
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Do you know why most heroes don't have sidekicks today?


Because kids today aren't nearly as stupid:


You can tell by the expression on Speedy's face that Green Arrow didn't bother running this plan past him at all. Just remember to duck when you hear the rifle shot, boy!
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Yes, it's that old Indian rope trick of shooting at passing flying aircraft with an arrow that has a rope attached to it! It's an ancient practice the Native Americans use all the time!

And is it just me, or is Oliver guiding that guy's head towards his crotch with his right hand? Is it just me? I hope so.
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You know, I understand trying to get an audience and everything, but this is silly:


Yeah, I don't think that I'm going to be referring to Tomahawk and Dan as "Batman and Robin in Buckskin." For starters, I didn't think their stories were nearly as entertaining and it sounds too much like a cut-rate line of condoms. Good try, though.

See you Monday!

Super-Jokes I'm Not Proud Of Thursday!

Such a busy boy today! But you know what there's always time for? The Superman story from World's Finest v1 #28!:


Really, Biff! When a boy has a doll, it's called an "action figure!" Just like when I watch a cartoon, I'm really watching an "animated feature!" These things matter!
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You know what Metropolis could use? A good security guard:


Wow, he went right down, and no one laid a glove on him! I think someone needs to reconsider their career choice.
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Um.....


Okay... concentrating on friction while my entire body is covered by a giant replica of my own hand.

I have so many snarky comments, my brain has overloaded. This is the panel I predict other blogs are most likely to poach today.
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Hey! It's time for Fun with Out of Context Dialogue!(tm!)


I don't know. My life ray can still move around no matter how stiff it gets.

Thank you, thank you! And my apologies! I'll be here all week!

See you tomorrow!

They Promised Zombies but They Gave Us Romance Wednesday!

Hey! Before I forget, it's Adopt a Black Dog Month! Y'see, it's hard to find a home for black dogs because they just aren't as popular. As a result, a lot of sweet, smart black dogs get euthanized every year simply because of the color of their fur. In fact, many shelters will put down a black dog right away because they are so hard to place. So, as an owner of two wonderful black dogs, give them a second look the next time you find yourself in the market for a dog, ok?

It's no secret that I believe they shouldn't bring dead characters back, ever. Yeah, I know why you shouldn't bump off Batman for good and all that other stuff, but if there's no finality in death, even in comics, that takes a lot of the excitement out of it. That being said, raising the dead makes for awesome comic reading:


If a comic promises to bring temporarily resurrect a bunch of dead guys, I'll buy it. It doesn't matter if I've ever read the comic before, if they are going to give us a glimpse at what happened to a character post-mortem, you can slap it on my pull list (although that's a hard thing to explain to my local comic guy: "Yeah, I don't want the issue if the dead guy is coming back for good. Only if it's a temporary thing. And it doesn't matter which dead guy it is, either. As long as he's going to end up dead again when everything is said and done.")

It's not only fun because you're interacting with the dead, but it generally involves a final shout-out to a b-list character (because if they were a headliner, they wouldn't have been bumped off in the first place). So Avengers v1 #131 could have been the best issue ever. It even gave us a bit of Fun with Out of Context Dialogue!(tm!):



But, since it was a Marvel comic, we had to sit through romantic angst between an android and an otherwise-forgettable martial arts chick:


Wow, that was pretty steamy stuff, wasn't it? Hide this issue from your parents, kids!

And while I'm not a huge fan of Iron Man (although the movie is bringing me around), he spoke for us all here:


What, Vision? You say you'll shut up about your love life? Thanks!

My main gripe is that time spent on android/boring chick love was time that cut into Zombies:


See? That was the last panel, and we had none of the promised Zombie fighting! Someone owes me reparations!

Well, I'm taking the high road. Here's a shot of Thor smacking Frankenstein's monster from the next issue:


Yeah! Get thee hence, creature! FWING!

You're welcome.

See you tomorrow!

Tough Bat-Love Tuesday!

Back after a long weekend, we be! Nephew Sam and I have birthdays very close together, so we celebrated over the weekend. Long story short, I'm awesome at Laser Tag, it's not a good idea to have me spend the night at your house lest I put my head through your Sheetrock, and we have a stray black lab I found wandering the streets currently crashing at my pad. So how was your weekend?

Better yet, how are things going at Wayne Manor? From Batman #10:


Heh, heh. Hope you enjoyed that birthday spanking, Dick!

But, Bruce! This is my third birthday in two months!

You sassing me, boy?
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As a policy, I don't automatically put up a panel just because the word "gay" is used, but it's funny in this case because it makes Bruce even more of a jerk than he usually is.
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You see? Children who fib get eaten by large snakes! Everyone knows that! Now bend over and take your birthday swats....
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And let's have a little Fun with Out of Context Dialogue!(tm!)


I hated it when that happened. Those puberty years are the worst.

See you tomorrow!

Lovin' to Love Love with Jap-Buster Johnson Friday!

Hey! Tomorrow is Valentine's Day! That means love is in the air!

Know what else is in the air? Jap-Buster Johnson:


Jap-Buster Johnson. Ace pilot for the United States Armed Forces, allowed to fly and drop bombs despite his obvious "lazy eye." He's Jap-Buster Johnson.
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Jap-Buster Johnson. He apparently had a tendency to just take off without orders or filing flight plans of any kind. He's Jap-Buster Johnson.
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Jap-Buster Johnson. If there was one thing he enjoyed more than shooting down Japs, it was shooting down more Japs. He's Jap-Buster Johnson.
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Jap-Buster Johnson. Before he'd kick your ass, he'd let you know exactly what part of the Geneva Convention you were violating, so you'd know you were getting a righteous beating from a real American. He's Jap-Buster Johnson.
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Jap-Buster Johnson. Pilot. Ass-kicker. Diplomat. Bigot at a time when that was okay as long as your obsessive hatred was limited to Japanese people. Advocate for Bomber Pilots with Moderate Visual Impairments. He's Jap-Buster Johnson!

See you Tuesday (sorry, Monday is a holiday)!

Flamin' Awesome Dialogue Thursday!

Dear Ones, I'm so glad you could this moment with me today. Today, you see, is the day Comics Make No Sense becomes part of mainstream pop culture.

How, you say? Well, there are so many quotable quotes in today's post that at least one of them will become the latest cool thing to say. Which one, I don't know, but there will be at least one. You can bet on that. From All-Select #2:


I'm going to say this one every time I have a passenger in the car with me. It's going to replace "Atomic batteries to power! Turbines to speed!" Yup. Everywhere I go, it's going to be "with a load of meat and a hunch."
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These panels are from the Human Torch story, by the way. You non-comic nerds know about the Torch in the Fantastic Four, but there was an entirely-different-yet-with-the-exact-same-powers character back in the 1930's and then some. He had a sidekick named "Toro." That's Spanish for "Bull," so it really wasn't applicable (but then again, neither was "Bucky."):


Yeah, when it came to being an escape artist, the Torch wasn't exactly Harry Houdini. That's why the bad guys in his stories usually overlooked small details like leaving a sharp hacking weapon in a glass cage.
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But the dialogue rocked. Sure, Gail Simone and Cristos Gage are great these days, but could they crank it out like this?:


I'm going to get you!

How can I get away?

It puts you right in the middle of all the action, doesn't it?
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And you could count on Toro to give plenty of Fun with Out-of-Context Dialogue!(tm!), as was required by all boy sidekicks of the day:


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And you could even count on the Torch himself to help out:


Wow. It's not even my birthday.
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Had enough? I didn't think so!


But I do not want to go to jail! Try this on your appetite!

By now, I can't believe I've never seen anyone else post these panels before. I feel like Neal Armstrong.
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Back in the Golden Age, comics were actually pretty gross at times (kind of like they are today). But even before the Comics Code cleaned up everything to the point of silliness, the writers of the Torch were told that he couldn't actually burn his enemies.

Because that's too cruel. The burning. You know, because it really really hurts.

Keep that in mind as you read this:


Yeah, getting your throat impaled by a meat hook? That's fine.

But it's Toro's last line that, frankly, makes me laugh:


It's an obvious thing to say, but you rarely get that in comics. Usually, it's just kind of a given that someone else is going to have to clean up the bad guy's corpse, so what do we care? But, yeah... I'll bet it was quite a mess!

The facial expression is killing me, too.... he looks like someone just asked him to give Jack Nicholson a sponge bath.

See you tomorrow!