Spider-Man, Giant-Man, Meteor Man... Man, This Spider-Man Book Should Have Been a Lot Better

PPTSSM #41 had a guest appearance by Giant-Man.  No, not that one.  Nor that one.  The other one.

Believe it or don't, this Giant-Man's alter ego, Dr. Bill Foster, ran around the Marvel Universe for nine years before getting super powers, which is unheard of for a comic book character who worked in a lab.  He had a solo book of his own back when he called himself "Black Goliath," but it didn't make it beyond the five issue mark.

Anyway, this issue also has Meteor Man.  No, not that one:

Although that Meteor Man did have a Marvel Comics adaptation of that movie, so... there's that.  But no, we're talking about the unfortunately-named Norton Fester, who was originally called the Looter (which was a pretty cool name) and changed it to Meteor Man (which is not a cool name).

But stupid name aside, Eminem was always a lot more trouble than you might expect:

I'm certainly no hero, super or otherwise, but I don't think it's good combat strategy to use your insecurity as a battle cry.  "I have to prove myself!"  "I'm afraid of owls!"  "My father was always out of town!"

Thusly:

And then we have this awkward moment:

Yeah... cringeworthy.

But even with Giant-Man's help, Spidey still can't seem to get a clean win in his own book.  Check it out:

And what do our heroes do?  Fall to the ground and wait for the bad guy to defeat himself.

... which I suppose I shouldn't criticize too much, because it seems to work out for our hero.  But seriously, do you buy a Spider-Man comic to watch him just pester bad guys until they get so fed up that they do themselves in?  Because that seems like the primary strategy here.

Bill Foster never got much love in the Marvel Universe, which is a shame.  He would wrestle with illness, have some long-forgotten team-ups, and ultimately retire from the hero game.  That is, until he returned for Civil War.  Go get 'em, Bill!

Oooooo... yikes.

Yeah, he was giant-sized when he was killed, so he was buried in 37 cemetery plots.  Fortunately, it seems like the Big Two reboot their entire universes every three months, so maybe he'll see some love in the future.  I, for one, would love to see him back.

See you soon!

Spider-Man: Lounge Lizard

So, I think we've all accepted that PPTSSM isn't exactly comic greatness... and that works out fine for me.  There's nothing more frustrating than reading a comic and not finding any blog material.

Anyway, we're at issue #41.  You may recall Spider-Man had turned into a lizard thing:

If you were a child in the 1970's (as I was), you couldn't resist the urge to take the cloth costume off one Mego action figure and stick it on a different one.  I'm thinking someone took the costume off their Spider-Man figure and stuck it on the Lizard one and that's how we got here.

Anyhoo...

Really?  "Get him"?  Even if I thought this gigantic lizard didn't have Spidey's powers, I would think the fact that he's... you know, a giant lizard would have encouraged a hasty retreat.  But, you know, it's an unspoken law of comics that bad guys rarely have enough sense to retreat unless they see Batman, so:

And some stuff happens, and things escalate to SWAT levels:

And you'd think the whole thing would seem more awesome, but it's seems everyone in SWAT called in sick that day except those three guys, so...

Anyway, this gimmick clearly isn't going to have much in the way of staying power, so how do we get out of it?

Come on, guess.

If you said, "Curt Connors would develop an antidote because that's really the only thing that will work besides a random lightning strike..."

You win!  I don't know what you've won.  I don't give out prizes.  I don't have Pioneer Woman budget to work with here.  Just consider yourself a jaded comic book reader and find happiness in that.

But, wait!  The drama isn't over!

Oh, the antidote isn't working!  Who saw that coming?

Whew!  Just in the nick of time!  Can you handle the suspense and the sheer originality of it all?

Oh, hold on!  You're getting your 40 cents worth here!

Trapped in a sewer behind a grate?  Can Spider-Man tear through it?

Yeah... in three panels.  As if the guy who can crush bricks in his grip couldn't tear out a grate.  What's Iron Man up to?

Hmmmm... I think he figured a few Hostess Fruit Pies would be cheaper than buffing out the minor scratches that dude would have put in his armor.  Moving on...

Okay, does anyone think that Electro and the Sandman really need the Wizard and the Trapster?  I mean, if Electro and the Sandman can't get the job done, I don't see the Wizard and the Trapster being the game changer.  I know the "for the want of a nail" poem and all that, but... I don't know, if you're limiting yourself to four guys, I wouldn't waste two slots on the Wizard and the Trapster.  Just saying.

See you soon!

In Which Spider-Man Shows that He May be a Scientist, but not a Behavioral Health One

Aaaaaand we're at issue #39 and it doesn't look like I'm going to reach the end any time soon.  I give you, "SCOURGE OF THE SCHIZOID MAN!"

It always makes me nervous when a character is named for a mental illness, especially when the cover indicates to me that they're using the wrong mental illness.  The costume has me concerned that someone thinks being schizoid is the same thing as having multiple personality disorder.

But let's see, shall we?

But first:

Spider-Man!  I have danger to warn you about, if you would kindly not shine your little belt spotlight thingie right in my face.  Seriously, we've met a thousand times.  We're way past the theatrics here.

Before we get into the story, let's check out a mystery subplot:

Can you guess who these guys are?  Can ya?

Seriously, if you can't, you are one casual comic book nerd.

Here's Guy-We-Haven't-Officially-Been-Told-is-Electro pontificating:

Did someone get him a word-of-the-day calendar or something?  When did Electro start talking like Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory?

Meh.  Here's an origin:

The baby actually appeared to form Mjolnir, which is actually more impressive than it is upsetting IMHO.

Anyway, here are my fears confirmed:

All together, class:  That's not what being schizoid is.  When you are schizoid, you are disconnected.  I mean, there's more to it, but that's basically what it means to be schizoid.  These kind of blunders disproportionately annoy me.  It's not like this isn't an easy thing to fact-check.

But then this happened:

So now I'm interested again.  See you soon!

Random Lightning Strikes Solve Everything!

I just finished reading Thunderbolts... the one where Deadpool, the Punisher, Deadpool, Ghost Rider, etc. are led by Red Hulk.  I liked it but they went to the "everyone's dead!  PSYCHE!" device too often.  Still, great read if you haven't.

So, let's check out PPTSSM #38!

It's takes place during Halloween and by a remarkable coincidence, we have Morbius the Living Vampire... which I think is a paradox, but anyway...

And then all three of them immediately updated their Match.com profiles to include "vampires" as a "turn-off."

Wow... could that have been any more of an offensive stereotype?  Seriously, do even the Irish people who still live in Ireland talk like that?

Oh, well... ACADEMIC MONTAGE!

Yeah!  Action in the Mighty Marvel Manner.

Anyway, one thing leads to another and:

Okay, this isn't supposed to be the same lady Morbius got earlier... but it sure looks like her!

Fight scene!:

Hmmm... I appreciate the officer's restraint, but I would think shooting at a suspect flying above everyone else would be a pretty easy target.  But I'm not trained in law enforcement, so don't pay any attention to me.

Then, we have the solution to everything:

Yup!  He's cured!  Because SCIENCE! (tm!)

This series is really worse than I remember.  I'm only reading it for you, my lovelies!  See you soon!