I Can Prove Your Innocence if You Wrestle with Me Friday!

When you dress up like a bat and make everything bat-related, you are probably going to be a little unorthodox. And that's really all we have to say to segue into Batman #118:


I guess skates are better than nothing, but if you're down the "Bat Skates," you really haven't adequately prepared or equipped yourself for this particular task.

Then again, you could always steal something:


You know just as well as I do that, despite what Robin is saying, someone is out one boat.

But then, it's all worth it when Batman shows up at the guy's trial and wants to do this:


People thought it would somehow assist the prosecution until the mounting and dry-humping began.


So, a week and a day after I lost my dear friend Emma, I'm out walking Tux and this guy came from nowhere and followed me home:



I've taken to calling him "Uncle Walter," after the Ben Folds Five song:



.... which really isn't fair to him, because he's extremely smart and very well-behaved. It was the way he just walked into the house as if to say, "Do you live here? I think I'll live here, too! What time is breakfast, and can't it be now?"

See you Monday!

No Female will Have Blogger Thursday!

Here's a great one from sPat, with the first known documented use of the word "Blog":


Some purists may cry foul, because here the word is a name and not a reference "blogs" such as the one you are reading now. But when you consider that the man known as "Blog" is the only member of the tribe without a woman and that your average woman would rather die than marry him, you can see that in fact someone was very much ahead of their time. Nifty one, sPat!

You see, I got married long before I started a blog. Watch and learn, men. Watch and learn....



I know we're still reeling after yesterday's showcase of "The Head," but let's take one last look at the Young Allies:


Egad! Why did we obligingly all stand together in a group like this? We were just asking for something like this to happen! Dang it, fellers! We talked about this back at the clubhouse! Next time, spread out a little!




Good thing you corrected yourself, Bucky. No need to use a generic term like "rat" when you can use a perfectly good racial slur. Good catch!



I know you all don't just love it when I resort to posting ads,


but, come on!!! It's a nut ring! How am I supposed to let that slide?

I wish I were a better person..... but I'm not.

Anyway, see you tomorrow!

I Want that Brain Right Here in My Sack Wednesday!

Words escape me. From Young Allies #12, I give you.... The Head:










Wow. What could I possibly add to that? Just be glad I showed you those last few panels and gave you some closure. Now that I know what they were reading as children, I'll never look at elderly people the same way again.

See you tomorrow!

There is No Force as Compelling as Female Vanity Tuesday!

Sorry about the late post. Monday whooped on me, and I just wanted to go home and forget it ever happened. I'm getting old, yes I am! Fortunately, I had some help from loyal readers to give you junkies your daily fix of comic book goodness!

First, from Nicholas Karr: Back in the 1970's, there was a dreadful cartoon called Super Friends, which was an embarrassingly lame title even to my grade school aged self, and the cartoon made the 1966 Adam West Batman series look like The Dark Knight. The two biggest flaws of the cartoon were that you couldn't use the word "kill" so everyone talked about "destroying" each other a lot, and you could never, ever show anyone get hit. So, as you might imagine, Super Friends was a big tease to those of us who read comics solely for the fighting (ie, everyone who reads comics).

The fact that DC had to publish a special Super Friends comic is conclusive evidence that DC didn't have any titles that stupid in their roster so they had to put out a special one for parents who didn't trust the Comics Code Authority. It was so stupid, I couldn't bring myself to read it, and I would read almost anything that had Batman in it.

Anyway, here's a classic "predicament" in which the Super Friends would find themselves:


I forgot to mention that when the Super Friends first aired, they didn't have any members that weren't instantaneously recognizable by one's grandmother, so we had Robin (who is cool in his own right) and Aquaman (who is cool in solo stories, but never when he's part of a team). It was in Super Friends that it was really showcased as to how limiting Aquaman is unless you happen to have a situation in the ocean. On this cover, he's in a panic as to deal with an ocean monster.

Yes, Aquaman is losing his mind over an ocean monster.

You know, if the Super Friends version of Aquaman wets his already-wet pants over an ocean monster, I think he's outlived his usefulness. That's like me freaking out at finding leftover pizza in the fridge. Oh, no! Whatever shall we do?

But remember, no one can get hit, so we resort to more passive measures:


It should be worth noting that they were on an alien planet, so this was an alien ocean monster. I don't know why any ocean monster would be taking directions from Aquaman, much less an ocean monster outside the Super Friends' normal jurisdiction of Lamesuckfest.

Anyway, thanks to Nicholas for the help!

And here's some fun from our friend sPat!


In the 1940's, that whole "female vanity" thing wouldn't have been so out of place, but this was easily a late 1960's/early 1970's panel. I'm surprised they got away with that one.

And speaking of vanity, I've always thought Hawkgirl's headgear made her remarkably unattractive. Is it just me?

Or is it my rod? Because it's time for Fun with Out of Context Dialogue! (tm!)


That's right... my rod gives heat, oxygen and everything else one needs to survive. It's that awesome!


I have a joke here about "tingling rods" and energy dissipation, but it was terribly filthy and I really don't want to read your angry comments.

Thanks for the help, Nicholas and sPat! And if you find something funny, don't forget to send it to me! I need all the help I can get!

See you tomorrow!

A Mountain of Mighty Hercules Monday!

As we get into the 100s of Batman, we see Bruce and Dick hauled from one dimension and alien planet to another. This was an era that will some day be universally regarded as The Batman Comics Adam Doesn't Like to Read.



Robin, those strange winged creatures are attacking! And they look like bats! And I'm Batman! And they happen to be wearing the same color clothing as I! Dang the unfortunate coincidence that brought about this misunderstanding!

Some of these ads get kind of harsh:


He was a pathetic case of weakness... until he mailed me the coupon and I took an X-Acto Knife and glued the photo of his face onto a picture of a bodybuilder. Photoshop hadn't been invented yet, so I couldn't do anything about the obvious differences in shading. Just buy my products before someone gets hurt!

Mail Call!


If I were Dick, I'd be hoping that the package contained an air mattress so he could sleep on the floor instead of in that bed. I don't care if they are twin beds or not, when they're pushed that close together, I think it's time to call Child Protective Services.

And now, a Moment of Comic Book Greatness! (tm!):



Which just goes to show that even a bad comic can have its moment of greatness.

See you tomorrow!

Latch On and Stand By for Impact Friday!

Today, we go back to our roots, and take a look at comics with holes in the plots - Comics that (dare I say it?).... Make No Sense!

Courtesy of World's Finest #226:

One hazard of being a friend with Superham (besides the fact that he comes across as just so darn smug all the time) is that when he screws you over,


he does a super job of screwing you over. No wonder Bruce tries to make Clark look stupid whenever possible.

Here's Clark's explanation for his douchebaggery:


This exonerates Clark of nothing. Let's assume for a moment that there was any real risk that the radar image of an object the size of two human beings is at any risk for being considered something besides a couple of geese. If Clark had to have the meteor so badly, why didn't he simply retrieve it before he and Bruce left terra firma to begin with? I'll tell you why: Because then, Clark wouldn't have had an excuse to remind Bruce that he can't fly and thereby re-establish the pecking order. That, and Clark is simply a jackass.

Can you blame Bruce for keeping that Kryptonite ring in the Batcave? I certainly don't.

And, since this was one of those wonderful "100 Pages for Only 60 Cents" issues, we got a Sandman reprint. Unfortunately, it was a reprint after he lost the green three-piece suit, gas mask, and fedora hat. And, since he was no longer badass, the Sandman apparently decided he'd have to be a gullible moron as well:



So, if I commit a crime, all I have to do is tell the Sandman I saw him in a dream and asked him for his help. Because apparently, the Sandman is so flattered to be told he showed up in some one's dream that this is all he needs to hear. I'm the Sandman! And I don't put people to sleep anymore because they took away my gas mask and gas gun and gave me a kid sidekick and purple-and-yellow tights! But someone saw me in a dream, and that's awesome! He couldn't have committed a crime! That dream (which I didn't actually participate in and can only rely on what the suspect tells me) proves it!

I'm sure writing comics is tougher than it sounds, but if you're going to do these kind of things, expect to show up in some blog decades later.

See you Monday!

Good Work, Mogo! Thursday!

You'd think that a gorilla in a Batman mask would be good readin':


But surprisingly, you'd be wrong. What you see on the cover is pretty much all the gorilla does, which is a shame. It's a shame to waste a good gorilla appearance, you know what I mean? Maybe I'm jaded, but I think we needed a talking gorilla here.

Or, we could show Batman taken out by an old man who threw a wad of cash in his face:


I'm not saying it wouldn't work on me, but only because I would stop to pick up the cash. But isn't Batman supposed to be so stinking rich that he never worries about finances?

Then again, we've seen Bruce keel over when he encountered banana peels. It's amazing Bruce lasted two weeks at fighting crime, if you really think about it.

You know what wasn't as entertaining as I thought? This book I found in an ad:


Don't bother - turns out it's talking about stamp collecting. I was thinking something else entirely. Like this off-topic but brilliant expose of Hawaii's Socialist Nightmare of Universal Health Care!

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
The Apparent Trap
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care Crisis

Poor Hawaiians! Living for more than 40 years not worrying about financial disaster as a result of a medical catastrophe. Those chumps!

See you tomorrow!

She is Molesting the Swami Wednesday!

Can you believe that, for a brief moment, you could get 100 pages of comic goodness for 50 or 60 cents? Granted, most of the stuff was recycled, but it gives me a chance to catch stuff I might have missed the first time. F'rinstance:


Yes, we're going to leave your bodies in these shallow graves with headstones that will fall over after the first good rain, but we'll build you a big memorial, complete with casino and an all-you-can-eat seafood buffet on weekends!

Appeal to a woman's heart? Oh, Batman, you poor naive fool:


Seriously, Batman needs to get out more if he thinks women are somehow genetically incapable of wrongdoing. That is sexist in and of itself.

But it's not like he didn't have help drawing this conclusion in the previous issue. See, El Monstro up there (and no, I'm not making that name up) was revealed to be a woman in the previous issue:


Don't you love it? I'm beautiful and have a nice rack! Ergo, I cannot possibly be evil! Case dismissed!

Dispense some justice, Black Canary!:


Hmmmm.... I'm not sure that's much of a deterrent, but who am I to question your methods?

Thanks to everyone for their kind words yesterday regarding my loss. My heart is hurting, but your support is greatly felt and appreciated. See you tomorrow!

The Good News and The Bad News Tuesday!

Welcome back! I hope everyone had a great Valentine's Day! Mine was hit and miss. I got to see the nieces and the nephew, the day before, but on the actual holiday itself, I lost my dear friend Emma:


Emma was adopted from a rescue agency right when I bought my house. I had always dreamed of having a Shepherd, and finally having a back yard large enough to let her wander around was my way of congratulating myself and saying the I had achieved one of life's goals. I found her via a rescue agency, and when I went to the vet that was sponsoring her, she was patrolling the office making sure everything was in order. She always had that hard-wired in her programming, and had it until the end.

When we drove her home for the first time, she threw up in the back seat of the car. We weren't to move into our house for a couple of months, so we probably got her prematurely, because that meant that we were to share an efficiency apartment with this energetic, rather large puppy. I had no idea what awaited me.

Emma understood the housebreaking element quickly enough, but she went stir crazy a lot. In the evenings, she refused to go to sleep unless I slept on the floor next to her. What's more, I had to be touching her at all times, or she'd freak out. So, if I were to roll over and my fingers weren't in direct contact with her, she would cry until I corrected my error.

She also had to go for walks at 3 a.m. This was November, so every morning I would bundle up and we'd brave the elements. As we walked around the track, I would mutter under my breath, "I know you're trying to kill me. And you're succeeding. But then, when you've done me in, who is going to take you for walks? Answer me that, smartypants."

But we moved into the house the following December, and she grew out of her rambunctious puppy stage and became that dog. She was the dog who called us when Red the Dachshund fell in the pool, the dog who slept in the hallway and barked whenever she heard a noise outside, the dog who kept salespeople away, and the dog that all other dogs loved without reservation.

She developed hip problems shortly after her tenth birthday. We did the surgeries, but she never fully recovered. Finally, Sunday afternoon one of her legs gave out and she couldn't stand. Fortunately, we found a vet clinic that was open on Sunday and she didn't have to suffer.

As we have always done, we were with her when the end came. When the time comes to put your dog down, always be in the room with him/her. They look for you. Yes, our hearts broke as the light left her eyes, but she knew we were there and that, as she protected us, we were protecting her in the end.

It is difficult to say goodbye to her. She was such a stable member of our family for over twelve years, and her kind maternal presence in our home is sorely missed by both humans and dogs alike. This photo shows how dogs regarded her, despite her size:



And yes, this was the third dog in nine months I have had to put down. We now have Alf (the poodle sleeping with Emma in the above photo) and Tux, who has now been with me a year and seems to know it's now up to him to assume the role of protector.

So, the bad news is that this is all I feel like talking about today. The good news is that Mike Sterling showed me how to auto-post, so from this day hence, you should be able to check the blog at the same time every day and there will be new funnybook goodness awaiting you!

So long, Emma. Round up the other dogs and wait for us. Wherever you are in the next life, I want to be there with you.

Thanks for bearing with me.... we'll make with the funny tomorrow!

My Parents Never Built ME a Bat Coop Friday!

Dear Ones, this will be the last post before Tuesday, as Monday is a holiday and I intend to spend it watching bad movies and ignoring household chores that desperately need attention.

As we've seen the last couple of days, Bob Haney wrote stories almost as if he wanted to be sure he would end up in blogs like this one, but he didn't invent weirdness. Oh, no. I give you.... Batman Jones:



On a Bat-Moped of some sorts, no less!

It wasn't really Batman Jones's fault he was such a dork. When your parents name you "Batman Jones," there are really only so many career opportunities:


Don't sign a Paternity Acknowledgement, Bruce! Demand a DNA test! It's your right!

But I suppose Batman Jones's parents made up for their initial cruelty by being the most indulgent parents ever:



Mind you, if I left an action figure on the floor of my own bedroom, my parents would threaten to destroy it. This kid? He gets his own Bat-Signal and moped. Yeah, life is fair.

And he lives in a town where there are giant, fully-functional power tools:



You can't choose your parents, Adam, you can't choose your parents....

You might as well move on. I'm going to be bitter all weekend.

Goats and Fabio Thursday!

Boy, am I late today. Thursdays can just be the worst. Thank goodness for Bob Haney and World's Finest #218!:


Not a goat! Anything but a goat!


Oh.... Superman, it's you. Any chance we can have the goat back?


Hmmmm... so my choices are Fabio, Superman, or the goat? I'm still leaning towards the goat!

Hey, Bill! How's your job coming along?


There you go, Bill! Stick it to the man! Until you realize what an overcrowded field electronics is and you have to move to Japan or India to get a job! Hope you didn't key the boss's car on the way out?

Now, where were we? Oh, yes!


I admit, this isn't what I expected Fabio to look like. It's an improvement and all.... but I still choose the goat.

Thanks again, Bob Haney!

See you tomorrow!

One Pazzazzay Package Wednesday!

Did I mention that Bob Haney is all kinds of awesome? From World's Finest #217:


I don't think I'd measure up very well in this kind of comparison. This is just asking for a poor self-image. I'd think this would more likely appear in one of those silly women's magazines with "How Does Your Man Stack Up to Superman or Batman? Not Very Well, Does He? Use the Results of This Quiz to Emotionally Cripple Him! He Deserves It Because He Has A Penis!"

Anyway, Metamorpho appears in this ish, and Metamorpho is awesome because he was the first person to turn down membership in the Justice League, and never thought twice about telling Superman to get over himself:


Super Freak! Super Freak! He's Super Freakayyyy!

He also shows up Batman in this issue, which uncharacteristically annoys Bruce to no end:


You remember yesterday how I was talking about character continuity and how Bob Haney just didn't seem to care about it? This is the sort of thing I was talking about.

Now, mark how pouty both Supes and Bats have been up to this point. Got it set in your melon? Good.

Now, take this in:


Okay, obviously this is a ruse, and I get that. But look at Batman's private thoughts as he fights 'Mo:


You see what I mean? Even if he's faking (which Bats later says he is), you can't deny that his thoughts are more than a little vicious and that isn't explained away by a simple, "Oh, we were just funnin' with ya!"

Not to mention that whole, "Batman swore to never fire a gun" thing apparently doesn't apply to jet cannons, or atomic tanks:


I don't think Bob Haney ever read a Batman comic in his life before he wrote these stories. I really don't. I suppose one could say the same thing about Superman, but I've always thought Supes was a bit of a jackass, so I think Bob just had the guts to portray DC's golden goose in a way no one else up to that point had the nerve.

So, we explain everything away, and it's all good:


Except, of course, the sneaky plan didn't come about until after Superman had been all "screw you guys, I'm going home" and Batman had pitched his little fit about not getting medals like 'Mo, so that hackneyed plot device did absolutely nothing to repair that damage. But Bob Haney doesn't care, and he suggests you don't care, either.

Bob Haney. He cares not for your decades of character development. And what's more, you can't make him care. Bob Haney: Badass.