In Which Spider-Man Works Hard, Not Smart

Okay, I'm sick of Master Comics so let's take a look at Peter Parker, the Spectacular Spider-Man just because.  And that's a long title, so it will henceforth be PPTSSM, which I think is the acronym that Marvel itself used.

I remember picking this up as a youngster and admit I was pretty excited to see the Tarantula return.  I remembered his role as the Jackal's enforcer in the clone saga and thought he was pretty badass.  But I was eight years old.

To the story's credit, things start rolling on page 2:

I didn't notice at the time, but how are Tarantula's henchmen going to kill anyone without weapons?  Those guys are either all kinds of tough or Tarantula wasn't much of a strategist.

So, to review: Tarantula has nothing to go for him but some training and spikey shoes, putting him on par with the entire cast of Kinky Boots (which is an awesome show, by the way).  No superpowers, no proportionate strength of a tarantula, nothin'.

What does Spidey mean "it's all bluff."  No, he got it right the first time: The guy is a gymnast with pointy shoes.

I was buying the need for all this caution when I first read the comic, but again: I was eight years old.

I mean, Spidey has Spider-Strength, speed, Spidey-Sense...

Okay, for reasons that are never explained, Spidey appears to have no Spidey-Sense.

As an adult, I want to see a panel of Tarantula's men prying Taranty off the trunk of that car.

Well, I appreciate Spidey's self-awareness, but ... yeah.  That was pretty sad.

Wow.  You know, this was pre-Venom and all that, but even back in the day Spidey had a host of bad guys that didn't get in his head like that who were much tougher.

Anyway, they fight:

And then this happens.

Well, you could web him up before you start the interrogation.  There's really no advantage to not.

Seriously, where is the Spidey-Sense????

And Taranty escapes thusly:

Hmmmm... I think Spidey still could have caught Taranty once he got the Mayor to the ground.  I mean, I don't know that it would take that long to get back up there.  You know, what with the weblines and the sticking to walls and all that.  There's also the matter of Tarantula being stuck there by his boots.

But Spidey really had himself psyched out here.  I bought it at the time, but just in case I haven't mentioned it yet... I was eight years old.

But as we all know, we were later given acknowledgement of how silly it was that Spidey had such trouble with Taranty and we learned the value of self-confidence.

See you soon!

Did People Used to Really Wear Wreaths? Was That a Thing? And other observations...

Time to take a full look at Master Comics #72!

As you can see, Radar isn't getting top billing in this cover and we're all better off.  However, Radar has two stories in this issue, so I don't know that they've given up on him yet.

Anyway, as the cover illustrates, CMJ doesn't have any Axis bad guys to fight anymore so he borrows Dr. Sivana:

Well, the Governor has the worst security detail ever.

See what I mean?  And... AND... we see once again that using the phone in comics is just asking for injury.

And can you tell me why I'm dressed like Captain Marvel?

And while I'm asking questions:

What the heck is up with the ratio there?  It looks like Dr. Sivana got hold of some of Hank Pym's technology and grew about 15 feet.

Hey!  Let's check in on Bulletman, the Flying Detective. 

Ladies and gents, Bulletman... the Flying Detective.

And then this happened:

Well, we really shouldn't.  We barely have any disguise as it is, what with our faces exposed and all.  If we take off the helmets, it's highly likely that we'll be recognized as...

Oh.  Well, okay.  I'm starting to think everyone knows the secret identity of the Bullets and no one cares, including themselves.

Hey, kids!  Mary Marvel has an IMPORTANT BACK TO SCHOOL MESSAGE!  We'd better check in!

Hmmm... I'm starting to think that Mary may have exaggerated.

See you soon!

Thom McAns' Snappy Thom McAns!

Sorry, gang!  I've had some major projects taking up my days, but I've got a couple of posts in the chute.  Let's drag it out with this look at....

You know, considering the design of that roller coaster, I'm kinda skeptical that this is the first time that's ever happened. 

Anyway...

Hmmmm... and apparently "ice-making power" includes "flying."  Because COMICS!

Is Thom shouting "BA-ZOO-OOKA" for no reason?  Because that strikes me as strangely awesome.  And why do we need to turn the dials to "double o x-r toasted cheese sandwich" or whatever it is?  Why not just have the dials read, "ice"?

Is "H" on Thom's payroll or does he just have a low self-opinion.  Because Thom barks a lot of orders at him.

Okay, Thom, we get it... you have a line of shoes.  Seriously, we're swimming now.

Man... Thom's like this guy from high school that asked to be my Facebook friend and then blew up my page with posts about whatever snake oil he's selling.  Or those people that somehow turn every conversation about their religious or political beliefs.  You know who I'm talking about.  And if you don't know, you're probably one of them.

See you soon, hepcats!

Kids Getting Knifed at Amusement Parks, Fluorescent Lipstick and Bar Fights!

Okay, I'm just so awash with this that and the other that I'm not even going to pretend to be organized.

Wow.  That is one of the laziest covers I've ever seen: A stock drawing of CMJ and some pasted panels from the inside stories.  Remember when that show Heroes lost a lot of it's budget and it just got kinda sad?  This.

Anyway, the following did not come from that issue of Master Comics.  I think they all came from issue 71, but no warranties expressed or implied.

I need a break!  Let's take the kids to Toyland!

I found that hilarious for some reason.  I'm not proud of this, but I did.  And let's remember, these are just drawings and no one actually got hurt.  If someone had actually been injured, I assure you I would have been aghast... although reading the police report might still elicit an involuntary chuckle.

As would this:

Whenever there's a plot device where something normal is turned into a death trap by upping the power, I can't help but wonder why these things have such high settings in the first place.  I mean, why would you have a setting more appropriate for a NASA 20 G centrifuge available on a kid's ride?

Moving on:

Okay, once I got past the notion that Mary Jane Fox is the only human being in the history of mankind to actually be discriminated against for being "too pretty," I wondered if someone was really selling "fluorescent lipstick."  Well,  here's another ad:

Sadly, I wasn't able to find much in the way of history of the product... but I'd be hesitant to put anything that "glows" on my skin unless we're speaking metaphorically.

Let's check in on R.C. and Quickie!

This strikes me as rather co-dependent.  Monk made a decision.  He doesn't need you getting into bar fights for him.

Well, apparently he does, so I stand corrected.  You'd think a guy named "Monk" could handle himself in a bar, but there you go.

Yeah, beating up bar patrons is thirsty work.  Now, does anyone not think that Monk's date is going to leave with R.C.?

So, who is this guy?  Well, his nickname was actually "Rocky," not "Red Ryder."  And you may be familiar with his name because he was in over 125 movies and TV shows from 1929 to 1966.  He is most famous for being the voice of "Mister Ed"!

See you soon, buckaroos! 

In Which We All Learn what Aquagenic Urticaria Is

Time to take a lookity-loo at Master Comics #68!

Well, with a cover like that, you know the CMJ story will have something in it, but first....

True that.  It never hurts to be reminded that we shouldn't be a chump.

Oh, wow... this is still a thing:

Hmmmm.... you know, I'm actually grooving on that purse.  Check it out:

I tried to find a photo of it, but no luck.  I would not only buy Beloved that purse, I would insist she carry it with here whenever she went anywhere with me.

Meanwhile, let's check in with Bulletman and Bulletgirl:

I'm starting to wonder if Bulletman doesn't have an inner ear problem or something.

Wow.  So the Bullets' biggest weakness is people who stop suddenly.  It's never what you think, and it's always more simple than you'd expect.

Enough of that.  Show me CMJ fighting a gorilla like the cover promised:

Yeah!

He was blinded with water?   He must suffer from aquagenic urticaria.  That's really a hardship.

And then this happened:

Hmmmm... that took quite a turn.  Then again, the guy suffered from aquagenic urticaria so he wasn't the luckiest person.  He probably shouldn't have tempted fate.

Hey, let's check in with Jim and Sis!

Well, that was a hard truth Tom laid on Jim, but that's what friends do.   Jim and Sis may not get invited to proms and parties, but he can count on Tom to give him the straight poop and Jim can take comfort in that.  That, and the fact that all the other kids in town are such superficial douchebags that they won't invite kids who have dermatological issues to social events.

See you soon!