I'm Supposed to be a Big Shot and Live Like One!

I don't know why I do this to myself, but let's pick apart Public Defender in Action #8!

As your court-appointed counsel, I appreciate that you've kept your expectations low.  We'll get along fine.

Well, swearing you did something after you told me you didn't would actually be a big ethical problem, but I'm more concerned about the fact that I seem to have just lost my pipe.

Hey, we're standing pretty closely together here.  Maybe we should scoot over a bit so the prosecutor doesn't hear everything we say to each other.  I should probably also object to his improper statements.  Oh, well.  It's most likely too late now.  You can't un-ring a bell, you know.

I wasn't sure we agreed you were going to do that.  Oh, well.  Never mind.

Psyche!

Hmmm... you have a point.  I should probably have requested a continuance before he told the judge he was guilty.  That may put us at a bit of a disadvantage at trial.

Man, I'm having a hard day.  Let's fight!

You're in trouble now!  I found my pipe!

Drat.  I lost my pipe again!  Don't make me get unethical!  Because we've all seen that's a road I often travel.

I can't withdraw.  I was appointed!  Didn't you hear me say that to my client at the beginning of the story?  Because I clearly have no problem telling you everything.

I swear, Starr... if you make me drop this pipe again...

This may seem a bit outlandish, but the book is called Public Defender IN ACTION!

More action!

Now, where's my pipe?  Oh, here it is!

The bank directors paid you?  Wait a minute, aren't you a district attorney?  If not, what is your involvement in this case?  This makes no sense!  I will smite you!

Your gun won't kill me, Starr!  I plan on many years ahead of me filled with tobacco-related health concerns.

Seriously, what was Starr's role?  It's like Matt Murdock in the 2003 Daredevil movie where he was prosecuting that guy in court (and did a rather poor job of it, I might add), even though Murdock is a private attorney. This thing just makes no sense.  Then again, that's the title of the blog, so I guess I should be grateful.  So... thanks?

Blarg.  See you tomorrow!

Sis Imitates the Sound of Angry Rattlers!

Okay, I promise this will be my last look at Our Flag Comics #2, but there was more to this and I just have to share it.

First, just in case you didn't think the Flag could get any dumber, check it out:

What?  When was this decided?  This is only the second Flag story and I don't remember this being established at all.

So if you're about to get gored by a rhino, just start singing the Star-Spangled Banner and everything will work out.  And what the heck happened to Miss Sally's nose in the last panel?  Maybe the Flag thinks she's been horribly disfigured and needs emergency medical attention.  Heck, maybe he's just into chicks with no noses and is in for one big disappointment.  I don't know, but the notion that I have to sing the Star-Spangled Banner to call on the guy is so corny it's downright hilarious.

Hey, remember the Unknown Soldier from Our Flag #1?  He changed his look:

I can handle going to the khaki colors because it looks more soldierly, but why does the new look put him in short pants?  Why?  WHY?

And then we have the Three Cheers.  No, not the Three Musketeers.  The Three Cheers:

These guys were ... 

are you ready?... 

Sis, Boom and Bah.

Yes, those were their names.

For those who are fortunate enough not to know, "Sis Boom Bah!" is an old cheer dating back to the mid-19th Century.  The "sis" was the sound of a firework going up, the "boom" was the detonation, and the "bah" was the crowd reaction (which was supposed to be a noise made in awe, not like "bah, humbug.").

They were vaudeville performers who tried to join the military, were framed of a crime they didn't commit, blah, blah freakin' blah, and Sis was really good with her mouth.

No, not that way.  Ya perverts!

Man, these guys were annoying.  Like movie versions of "Pippi Longstocking" annoying.

And yes, that was random.  Didn't Pippi Longstocking do tricks with her voice?  Maybe that's where I'm getting that.

See you tomorrow!

The Flag is Ready to Bathe the Nazis! Or Something!

I realized for the first time today that the upcoming Superman / Batman movie is going to be Superman VS. Batman.  And that, folks, is a mistake.

I recently played the PS3 version of Marvel Ultimate Alliance 2, a video game based on the Civil War crossover from some years back.  You know what really soured it for me?  I didn't like seeing heroes fight each other in a video game. 

And I think the same thing will apply to this movie.  A lot of non-comic fans who will determine whether this movie is a blockbuster or not are going to be pretty annoyed that their hero Superman has become a despot.  I just don't see people wanting to pay ticket prices to spend a couple of hours watching that.  Heck, I'm not sure I'll even inflict it on Beloved.  A minor misunderstanding where you see them trade punches for a few minutes like in the first Avengers movie is fine, but a whole film centered on that?  That's not going to fly with a huge chunk of the audience.  Time will tell, of course, but I wanted DC to come up with some decent movies and I think this will be a stumble.

Anyway, on to Our Flag Comics #2:

I guess when the title of the book is Our Flag, you probably feel like you ought to have a character called "The Flag."  Of course, he doesn't really look like an American flag.  Heck, that's not even the right color of blue.  I suppose they were worried about getting too close in appearance to Captain America, but you can't tell me you'd look at this guy and say you think he's modeled after the American Flag.

Oh, here's his incredibly stupid origin: A baby is left on the doorstep of a flag-maker.

Oh, eeesh.

Oh, double eeesh.

"Fate"?  I was going to go with "incredibly lazy writing," but who am I to argue with an elderly flag-maker?

... which turns out to be a big honking waste of time because Jim ends up getting his powers through magic.  He could have spent his entire childhood eating nacho cheese Doritos and watching television all day and ended up in the same place.

What does that mean, exactly?  If someone tells me they "selected" me to perform hard and dangerous tasks, I'd be asking why they had any say-so in how I lived my life at all, much less doing their "hard and dangerous tasks."  I've noticed in comics that these wise old men and spirits who give kids powers tend to do so with a lot strings attached.

See?  All he had to do was touch the birthmark.  Years of Doritos and TV wasted.  And wouldn't Jim have noticed this when he showered?  Or did he just never wash the birthmark?

Okay, pay attention to that: The birthmark is like a super-power on/off switch.  I'm not sure why you'd need to turn the powers off ever, but okay.

Turns out having an off/on switch for your powers so easily accessible is a design flaw:

Although I'm not sure he did touch the birthmark.  He's got a full shirt on, not to mention gloves.  The guy ain't exactly Joe Hercules.  The rules of this are pretty darn hazy and should have been clarified before you sent the kid in to fight hordes of Nazis.

And then things get really weird:

So, anyone who touches his birthmark gets powers.  But he's totally takesies-backsies about it, although it appears you're on the honor system as to whether you return them.  This really sounds like a flawed system of power delivery, but the Great American Patriots didn't ask me to do their dangerous tasks, so I guess I don't get a vote.

Anyway, the Flag can fly, he's protected by some unexplained electrical field, and he can create tidal waves:

So he's basically Superman, Captain Marvel, or any one of the other overpowered heroes of the day.  With a powers on/off switch right on his chest that is apparently pressure sensitive and is quick to give the powers indiscriminately to anyone who touches it.

Hmmmmm.... maybe I should pitch a revival of this guy to DC.

See you tomorrow!

In Which a Suprisingly Large Amount of Inappropriate Humor is Found in a Warlock the Magician Story

Let's take a look at Nickel Comics #2, with an installment of What Could Possibly Go Wrong? (tm!)

I wear a helmet that enables me to fly  very quickly, like a bullet.  I think I'll wrap a scarf around my neck and have it trail behind me.  What Could Possibly Go Wrong? (tm!)

I think someone figured it out because Bullet lost the scarf by the time I saw him.  Then again, that was about 30 years later in a Justice League of America comic, but still.

Hey!  It's Warlock, the Redundantly-Named Magician!

People fear his weird appearance and his strange powers of magic... and his listing on the local sex offender registry.

I know, I make a lot "sex offender registry" jokes.  How about a shot of Warlock choking the vulture?

Well, what did you think I meant?

Hey!  It's time for some Fun with Out of Context Dialogue! (tm!)

Wait for it... wait for it...

HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAA!

Way to take one for the team, Warlock.  You're a better man than I.

See you tomorrow!

Tommy Tinkle Refuses to Speak Using the Letter "E"

Wow, I've been swamped.  No promises for the next few days, but I'll do what I can.  Bear with me!

Meanwhile, from Hit Comics #2... Who's the half-naked caped dude that's a sex machine with all the chicks?

Hercules.... Joe Hercules.

He's a half-naked man and no one understands him but those wooooooommmmeeeennnn!

Sorry.  I had this on the brain:

Hey, wasn't there a paper shortage in the 1940's that caused a lot of comic books to be destroyed?  I think I've figured out where that shortage came from:

It seems like if you're printing newspapers big enough to be a quilt for an average-sized man, you're using too much paper in the process.

Kids, ask your grandfather what a newspaper is.

What was the Red Bee's relationship with those bees?  I used to think he just trained them, but I think he actually viewed them as pets:

See?  Granted, the Red Bee was pretty unimaginative in naming his bees, but considering how many bees are in a hive, he probably went through a lot of names.

Speaking of unfortunate names:

For those who don't know, "tinkle" is slang for "urinate."  This would have been a hilarious feature if it had been about a character with bladder control issues.

But it wasn't.

Let's wrap things up with some Fun with Out of Context Dialogue! (tm!):

I guess not everything about prison is that bad.

  Zing!  Thank you, thank you!  Drive home safely!

I'll do my best, gang!  Hope to see you tomorrow!