I Which I Find Myself Using the Term, "Suppository-Shaped Helmet"

Found some old Nickel Comics on ComicBookPlus.com, so let's take a looksee at Bulletman's first appearance, shall we?  It turns out Jim Barr's dad was an honest cop who was killed by the mob. On his deathbed, Jim's dad made Jim promise to be in law enforcement.  This, of course, is terrible parenting but I guess it wouldn't have been much of a comic if Jim Barr had pursued dentistry.

Anyway, I guess the mob killed a lot of honest cops, because the city went straight to poop:

Hmmm... I don't know that a "new Robin Hood" would be much help against a serial killer.  Robin Hood was a freedom fighter.  Unless the killer is an oppressive Norman lord, I don't think a Robin Hood would do much good.  They probably need a new... I don't know, pick your favorite badass lawman and go with that.  I choose Kurt Russell's Wyatt Earp from Tombstone.

Anyway, Jim decides that being a police scientist isn't getting the job done, so he becomes a patrolman and initiates a crime prevention program in impoverished communities.

  HA!  Of course he didn't.  He decides to come up with a formula that gives him superpowers and...  well...

A costume that will strike fear to evil-doers that looks like this:

Although I have to admit that if I saw this guy zooming towards me at Mach IV with that suppository-shaped helmet, my sphincter might get little puckered until I fully understood his intentions.  But to me, Bulletman just calls this to mind:

I know... now you'll see it every time.  Welcome to my nightmare.

Moving on to Warlock the Wizard:

It seems a little redundant to call yourself "Warlock the Wizard."  That's like calling yourself "Policeman the Law-Enforcement Officer" or "Lawyer, Attorney at Law."  It screams of insecurity that you'd name yourself after your trade.  Then again, maybe he was born with the name, "Warlock," and felt obliged to pursue magic because... well, I don't know that you'd advance very far in the health care industry with a name like that.

Enough of that.  Time for some Fun with Out of Context Dialogue! (tm!)

Well, the ladies do love a man with a golden hand.

And here's the first comic book appearance (as far as I know) of...

Thor's hammer!

Yeah!  And, might I add... don't cross Warlock the Wizard.  He'll go upside your head with Thor's Freakin' Hammer!

See you tomorrow!

Objection, Your Honor! The Prosecutor is Using Bees!

Let's finish up the week by finishing our look at Hit Comics #1!

That's a pretty unusual bee.  Bees generally die after a single sting, but you'll note that the Red Bee's insect buddies will not only survive the sting, but they can do it without even landing on a person.  Maybe they shoot stingers out of their little butts like missiles.  That would be pretty silly, but we're talking about the Red Bee here, so there's not much further to fall if you know what I mean.

But as silly as the Bee's gimmick was, it not only came in handy when in confronted by a gunman.  Nope.  It was also a very effective form of cross-examination:

Wow.  That was pretty effective, but I'm pretty sure you can't actually physically assault a witness on the stand.  I mean, if there's some new rule that you can, I'm going to incorporate that into my own trial techniques.

Easy there, champ!  Save it for the courtroom.

Moving on to... I'm not sure what this is:

Did you know that phosphorous is the most plentiful mineral in your body?  Yup, right behind calcium.  I would think that drinking water with so much phosphorous in it that vapors are coming off would create a hardening of your organs and a severe loss of bone density, but hey... I'm not a doctor or anything. 

See?  Remember, I'm not a doctor.  Apparently, a bunch of phosphorous in your body enables you to glow and transform your clothing:

Okay, I have no idea why drinking a bunch of phosphorous would enable you to do that.  I also have no idea what "neonic power" is... and Google doesn't either.

But check out how he flies:

HA!  He can't fly in a straight line!  That's hilarious!  And awesome!

And no, it wasn't just that one frame.  See?

I would pay cash money to see this guy in air combat.

Quit fluttering around like a moth and fight like a man!

I can't!  My neonic power only allows me to fly in spirals!

Your *what* power?

Oy!  I'll be curious to see if they stick with that.

See you Monday!

Meet Joe Hercules

Keeping things freshy-fresh with a look at Hit Comics #1!

You know, I don't just hate the Red Bee's costume.  The sleeves kind of scream "insecurity" to me, because I think that wearing poofy sleeves is some attempt to make your arms look bigger than they are.  You know, how guys will stand with their arms crossed and push the arm fat with their hands so it looks like they have huge biceps?  Not that I would ever do such a thing...

We'll get to the Red Bee another day.  The first story in the ish was that of Hercules.  Now, when you think of Hercules, you might think of the Greek Demigod.  I certainly did.  But I was wrong.

You see, this guy came home to his mom and...

It's sad, of course, but it was surprising to see because I grew up in an era where Peter Parker's Aunt May walked around just one good startle reflex from a fatal heart attack for decades.

Anyway, meet Hercules:

Yes... his name is Joe Hercules.  You thought I was joking with the title, weren't you?  Admit it.  But no... the man's name is "Joe Hercules."  Not that Hercules isn't a last name (because I looked it up and it totally is), but it's just funny to me that the guy's name is "Joe Hercules."  If your name happens to be "Joe Hercules," I apologize.  But while the name "Joe Hercules" would be badass in real life, it sounds silly for a comic book character named "HERCULES... Joe Hercules."  You see what I mean?

Speaking of odd names:

I realize not all of my readers may not be familiar with the term, but if you were brought up in the United States with the name "Sluto," you took a lot of teasing and probably would grow up to be rather anti-social.

Wow... I just saw that "Slut" is a surname.  You learn something new every day.

Anyway, one thing leads to another and Joe Hercules isn't able to resolve a simple business disagreement without getting himself arrested.  So, he does what any man would do and uses his inexplicable-yet-superhuman strength to bust through a jail wall and go back to administer a whompin'.

It's probably more the costume that made these guys freak out than the fact that he knocked the door off its hinges.  In his defense, I don't think Joe Hercules had a woman in his life at this point (what with his mom recently deceased and all), so he probably just slapped together whatever he could with no fashion guidance whatsoever.  You can see why we should give the Red Bee a break with his outfit.

Anyway, he brings the racketeers to justice using illegally-obtained evidence and it's all good.  He even has a lawyer get him out of that whole "jailbreak" situation:

Hmmmm... I don't know that I can see that this boy is honest, but in that outfit I can certainly see that he's circumcised!

And let us leave Joe Hercules with an installment of Well... That's That. (tm!)

Well... That's That. (tm!)

Hit Comics is off to a promising start, to be sure!

See you tomorrow!

In Which Batman Fights Death... and Loses

Folks, I may take some heat for saying this, but I tried to watch the movie Birdman over the weekend and... well, as much as I love Michael Keaton and movies about people looking for validation, this film was a snore.  Academy Award, Schmacademy Award, that movie played like a  pretentious film school project.  What a disappointment.  Avoid.

Instead, check out Batman #180!

Isn't that an awesome cover?

The inside story actually lives up to it (sorta).  Although this was strange:

I didn't realize Batman needed Robin to cheer him on like that.  Frankly, I think the adult should make sure the child feels supported, not vice versa.  This was a weird moment and it made no more sense in context.

I think we're starting to see some influence of the Batman tv show, which came out at around that time:

See what I mean?  The villain sends the henchmen to go fight and there are a lot of sound effects, just like the show.  I'm not sure if that was to make the comics more inviting to fans of the show, or if it was to ensure that the show would be more like the comics that the fans were reading.  But we hadn't seen much of that sort of thing up to this point, so I'm curious to see if any other elements of the show creep in.

I mean, Aunt Harriet is already in the comics by this point, but the less said about her, the better.

Anyway, the villain's name is Death-Man, and the costume is grafted to him somehow.  I'm not sure how hard anyone tried, but that's the story:

His gimic is that whenever he's caught, he keels over and dies.  This leaves him beyond the reach of the law.  He then pops out of his grave and starts the whole thing over again.

I know... it's the Silver Age.  Isn't it awesome?

Wait for it... wait for it...

Well... Touche! (tm!)

Here was a great moment where Death-Man and Bats go careening towards an open grave:

I'm not saying I could do any better, but I'm not sure the art really did this scene justice.  They didn't do two-page scenes back then, and this would have made for an awesome one.  Alex Ross should totally re-do this one.

How all-kinds-of-bitchin' was Death-Man?  Well, Batman never beat him:

Yup... The man literally had to be struck down by lightning before he was defeated once and for all.  Sadly, by "defeated once and for all," I mean he died.

PSYCHE!  Not really... but it would be many years before he would resurface.  He's currently known as "Lord Death Man" and he's still doing that "back from the dead" thing.  He even appeared in an episode of Batman: The Brave and the Bold animated series, which once again proves how awesome Batman: The Brave and the Bold was.

See you tomorrow!

Flash Lightning and the Professor Who Didn't Grasp the Concept of Overexposure to Radiation

Because you couldn't possibly care less about him, let's take a moment to check out "Flash" Lightning!  Yes, only "Flash" is in quotes sometimes.  The name Lightning is never in quotes.  So, I guess the character comes from the Lightning family.  I get a fruitcake from the Lightnings every holiday season.  The Lightnings are good people.

Anyway, he started out in Sure-Fire Comics #1, but it was later re-named to Lightning Comics in issue 4 because... get this... he was so popular.  I'm not sure that's really true, but there it is.  Anyway, this is from Lightning Comics #5, which has a brief retelling of the origin:

I'm not sure why the Old Man of the Pyramid gave Flash his powers.  Maybe Flash was the only person willing to wear that outfit.  Anyhoo, when a guy gives you powers, he's got carte blanche to bark orders at you, and this guy apparently does just that.  He even has Flash calling him, "Sire."

So, the "terrible evil" is a professor who decides to wear a mummy costume.  That's what constitutes a "terrible evil" in Lighting Comics:

He covered himself in radium paint?  Heck, this guy is problem that will eventually solve itself if you can wait long enough for radiation poisoning to do him in.  I'm not sure how painted bandages protect a guy "from all common weapons," but he's willing to wear radioactive cloth all over his body and I'm not, so I guess I'll just shut my big mouth.

He's totally dry-humping that poor woman.  He does border on totally evil.

Hey, it's time for an installment of Well... Touche! (tm!)

Well.... Touche! (tm!)

And this ends exactly as anyone would have predicted:

Is there a cartoon mummy in existence that wasn't simply unraveled?  That's kind of the "go-to" trope for mummy disposal.

Flash was later re-named "Lash" Lightning because of the Flash speedster (to say nothing of Flash Gordon).  But this character would show up decades later in the awesome Project Superpowers series, so I guess I can only mock him so much.  Then again, being part of Project Superpowers didn't save the Fighting Yank from CMNS, so I'll just let this play itself out.

See you tomorrow!