Meet Joe Hercules

Keeping things freshy-fresh with a look at Hit Comics #1!

You know, I don't just hate the Red Bee's costume.  The sleeves kind of scream "insecurity" to me, because I think that wearing poofy sleeves is some attempt to make your arms look bigger than they are.  You know, how guys will stand with their arms crossed and push the arm fat with their hands so it looks like they have huge biceps?  Not that I would ever do such a thing...

We'll get to the Red Bee another day.  The first story in the ish was that of Hercules.  Now, when you think of Hercules, you might think of the Greek Demigod.  I certainly did.  But I was wrong.

You see, this guy came home to his mom and...

It's sad, of course, but it was surprising to see because I grew up in an era where Peter Parker's Aunt May walked around just one good startle reflex from a fatal heart attack for decades.

Anyway, meet Hercules:

Yes... his name is Joe Hercules.  You thought I was joking with the title, weren't you?  Admit it.  But no... the man's name is "Joe Hercules."  Not that Hercules isn't a last name (because I looked it up and it totally is), but it's just funny to me that the guy's name is "Joe Hercules."  If your name happens to be "Joe Hercules," I apologize.  But while the name "Joe Hercules" would be badass in real life, it sounds silly for a comic book character named "HERCULES... Joe Hercules."  You see what I mean?

Speaking of odd names:

I realize not all of my readers may not be familiar with the term, but if you were brought up in the United States with the name "Sluto," you took a lot of teasing and probably would grow up to be rather anti-social.

Wow... I just saw that "Slut" is a surname.  You learn something new every day.

Anyway, one thing leads to another and Joe Hercules isn't able to resolve a simple business disagreement without getting himself arrested.  So, he does what any man would do and uses his inexplicable-yet-superhuman strength to bust through a jail wall and go back to administer a whompin'.

It's probably more the costume that made these guys freak out than the fact that he knocked the door off its hinges.  In his defense, I don't think Joe Hercules had a woman in his life at this point (what with his mom recently deceased and all), so he probably just slapped together whatever he could with no fashion guidance whatsoever.  You can see why we should give the Red Bee a break with his outfit.

Anyway, he brings the racketeers to justice using illegally-obtained evidence and it's all good.  He even has a lawyer get him out of that whole "jailbreak" situation:

Hmmmm... I don't know that I can see that this boy is honest, but in that outfit I can certainly see that he's circumcised!

And let us leave Joe Hercules with an installment of Well... That's That. (tm!)

Well... That's That. (tm!)

Hit Comics is off to a promising start, to be sure!

See you tomorrow!

In Which Batman Fights Death... and Loses

Folks, I may take some heat for saying this, but I tried to watch the movie Birdman over the weekend and... well, as much as I love Michael Keaton and movies about people looking for validation, this film was a snore.  Academy Award, Schmacademy Award, that movie played like a  pretentious film school project.  What a disappointment.  Avoid.

Instead, check out Batman #180!

Isn't that an awesome cover?

The inside story actually lives up to it (sorta).  Although this was strange:

I didn't realize Batman needed Robin to cheer him on like that.  Frankly, I think the adult should make sure the child feels supported, not vice versa.  This was a weird moment and it made no more sense in context.

I think we're starting to see some influence of the Batman tv show, which came out at around that time:

See what I mean?  The villain sends the henchmen to go fight and there are a lot of sound effects, just like the show.  I'm not sure if that was to make the comics more inviting to fans of the show, or if it was to ensure that the show would be more like the comics that the fans were reading.  But we hadn't seen much of that sort of thing up to this point, so I'm curious to see if any other elements of the show creep in.

I mean, Aunt Harriet is already in the comics by this point, but the less said about her, the better.

Anyway, the villain's name is Death-Man, and the costume is grafted to him somehow.  I'm not sure how hard anyone tried, but that's the story:

His gimic is that whenever he's caught, he keels over and dies.  This leaves him beyond the reach of the law.  He then pops out of his grave and starts the whole thing over again.

I know... it's the Silver Age.  Isn't it awesome?

Wait for it... wait for it...

Well... Touche! (tm!)

Here was a great moment where Death-Man and Bats go careening towards an open grave:

I'm not saying I could do any better, but I'm not sure the art really did this scene justice.  They didn't do two-page scenes back then, and this would have made for an awesome one.  Alex Ross should totally re-do this one.

How all-kinds-of-bitchin' was Death-Man?  Well, Batman never beat him:

Yup... The man literally had to be struck down by lightning before he was defeated once and for all.  Sadly, by "defeated once and for all," I mean he died.

PSYCHE!  Not really... but it would be many years before he would resurface.  He's currently known as "Lord Death Man" and he's still doing that "back from the dead" thing.  He even appeared in an episode of Batman: The Brave and the Bold animated series, which once again proves how awesome Batman: The Brave and the Bold was.

See you tomorrow!

Flash Lightning and the Professor Who Didn't Grasp the Concept of Overexposure to Radiation

Because you couldn't possibly care less about him, let's take a moment to check out "Flash" Lightning!  Yes, only "Flash" is in quotes sometimes.  The name Lightning is never in quotes.  So, I guess the character comes from the Lightning family.  I get a fruitcake from the Lightnings every holiday season.  The Lightnings are good people.

Anyway, he started out in Sure-Fire Comics #1, but it was later re-named to Lightning Comics in issue 4 because... get this... he was so popular.  I'm not sure that's really true, but there it is.  Anyway, this is from Lightning Comics #5, which has a brief retelling of the origin:

I'm not sure why the Old Man of the Pyramid gave Flash his powers.  Maybe Flash was the only person willing to wear that outfit.  Anyhoo, when a guy gives you powers, he's got carte blanche to bark orders at you, and this guy apparently does just that.  He even has Flash calling him, "Sire."

So, the "terrible evil" is a professor who decides to wear a mummy costume.  That's what constitutes a "terrible evil" in Lighting Comics:

He covered himself in radium paint?  Heck, this guy is problem that will eventually solve itself if you can wait long enough for radiation poisoning to do him in.  I'm not sure how painted bandages protect a guy "from all common weapons," but he's willing to wear radioactive cloth all over his body and I'm not, so I guess I'll just shut my big mouth.

He's totally dry-humping that poor woman.  He does border on totally evil.

Hey, it's time for an installment of Well... Touche! (tm!)

Well.... Touche! (tm!)

And this ends exactly as anyone would have predicted:

Is there a cartoon mummy in existence that wasn't simply unraveled?  That's kind of the "go-to" trope for mummy disposal.

Flash was later re-named "Lash" Lightning because of the Flash speedster (to say nothing of Flash Gordon).  But this character would show up decades later in the awesome Project Superpowers series, so I guess I can only mock him so much.  Then again, being part of Project Superpowers didn't save the Fighting Yank from CMNS, so I'll just let this play itself out.

See you tomorrow!

In Which Adam Shares the Local Mores of His Homeland

Courtesy of Boy Meets Girl Comics #10, I give you a very accurate example of courtship here in the Midwestern United States.

And no, I am not joking at all.

You think Mr. Dresden is extreme?  Heck, there was a town in Oklahoma where dancing was illegal until 1980.  Not 1880... 1980.

At that point, Cathy officially became a rebellious child.  Again... I am not joking.

What do you mean, "What do they do at a birthday party?"?  It sounds like Mr. Dresden wasn't invited to too many social gatherings.  This may explain why he's determined to make sure no one has any fun of any kind ever.

Well that was out of character.  For his lackadaisical parenting, Mr. Dresden would normally be called before the church elders and admonished to take his responsibilities as the patriarch of the family more seriously.

Well, okay... two girls dancing with each other would have been pretty unusual in the Midwest.  Ignore that.

There we are.  Back to good old-fashioned American values!

But there's trouble when Cathy goes to the party and tries out her dancing with Daniel!

If you danced with my daughter, you're damned STRAIGHT you're going to marry her!

In Mr. Dresden's defense, the rumba does have that rolling hip movement Susan was telling Cathy about earlier.

Keep in mind this was Cathy's 18th birthday party.  EIGHTEENTH.

But yeah, you see this kind of stuff in varying degrees in the Midwest a lot.  It can be a nice place to live, but a lot of people are, shall we say... a little rigid about tradition.  It's the old saw: Liberals think they have the market cornered on compassion, conservatives think they have the market cornered on a love of God and Country.  Both are wrong, of course, but hey... it's gotten us this far!

See you tomorrow!

In Which We Meet Bulletman and See the Word "Frowsy" for the First Time

Hey!  It's time to shake things up a bit!  Check it out!

See what I mean about caption boxes getting in the way?  Poor Bulletman is trying desperately to get out of the way of the thing, but all he can do is step over it.  You can see how annoyed he is at the whole thing, and rightfully so.

Okay, origin time:

Yeah, they had already appeared in Nickel Comics before Bullet got his own title.  I'll see if I can find those.  Anyway, the helmets enable the duo to fly and deflect bullets.  They've also been injected by chemicals that gave them superhuman strength and (allegedly) advanced intelligence.  Since he can fly, I'm not sure why Bullet is swinging on a rope there.  Maybe he needs help with the landing.

On with the story.  The Black Spider is up to no good.  He's sent some lackeys to kidnap local law enforcement officials and the Bullets won't stand for it: 

Way to hang back there, Bulletgirl.  You just stand there and look pretty while I fight this angry mob of criminals.

Well, at least she got one of them.  Although that doesn't look like much of anything.  Bulletman probably whomped the guy off camera so Bulletgirl would feel like she accomplished something.

Anyhoo, that plan foiled, the gang goes after the police chief:

You can't kidnap a police chief right out of a police station!

Well... Touche! (tm!)

Why snatch the police chief?  Thusly:

That's actually pretty logical.  If anyone would know the identity of Bulletman, it would probably be the chief of police.  Which begs the obvious question:

Do you see anything that conceals that man's features?  Because I sure don't.  Since Bulletman works at the police station in his civilian identity, the gang probably walked right past him when they snatched the chief.  And I suppose they may not have paid him any attention, but then I realize something:

The chief doesn't know who they are.  Even though Bulletman works for the chief in his civilian ID and... did I mention Bulletgirl was his own daughter?

And just to review, this is what you see when you look at these people in their "disguises":

All I can tell you is that the chief of police is one of the most unobservant human beings in recorded history if he is truly stymied as to who the Bullets really are.

Buckle up, folks!  I've got a few of these!

And for those of you scoring at home, here is the "Bulletman" action figure of no relation to the comic book character:

You know, I'm not sure why Joe was part of the "Super Adventure Team."  You've got a bionic guy, a guy who can fly.... and a guy who can look left and right.  He's like that guy who starts a garage band who doesn't have any musical talent himself (that was me in high school).

Anyway, I guess the name was up for grabs at the time the action figure came out, because no lawsuit came of it as far as I know.  That, or you just couldn't resist the jingle:

I had one of those action figures.  I hated the bare leg look and he had disproportionately large feet.  But you know... he was wearing a costume and I was about 8 years old, so how could I not get one?

See you Monday!