In Which One of My Most Inappropriate Posts Ironically Discusses the Introduction of "Archie"

So I finally reach issue #22 of Pep Comics.  Why "finally," you ask?

Well, any hardcore comic nerdlinger worth his salt knows that inside this issue, despite the cover showing a cleated Axis boot about to squish the world despite a warning from the Hangman...

... has the first appearance of Archie.  Yes, that Archie.  Read on:

Yup.  The Archie universe with Jughead, Reggie, Betty, Veronica and the rest of the Riverdale Gang begins right here in this very ish!  And, of course, I'll be covering Archie in the days, weeks... nay years to come because I'm a big Archie fan.  Jughead rules my world... I can't pretend he doesn't.

Meanwhile, even the bad guys in other stories appear determined to be more kid-friendly:

"Blankety-blank?"  That may be overkill.  I never knew even the most over-protective parent to be offended by the use of random symbols as swearing.  Heck, $%(*@!, Donald Duck used "symbol-swearing" all the time.

Meanwhile, it's time for another installment of Well... Touche! (tm!)

 

Well... Touche! (tm!)

Okay, the following is an example of two memes that, when put together, become something so awful that I'm not sure I even have a name for it.  These two panels were not consecutive... heck, !#$%!, they weren't even in the same story, but they were in the same issue and... well, all I can do is apologize.

So, here's the first panel, a fine example of Lapses in Judgment (tm!):

Okay, ONCE AGAIN, the following Fun with Out of Context Dialogue (tm!) had nothing to do with the previous panel, but I acknowledge it's 10 times filthier (ergo, ten times funnier) when you read the two together:

Again, I apologize.  It just happened to fall that way.

See you tomorrow!

I ADVISE YOU NOT TO READ THIS POST

I was about to put down Action Comics #159 after seeing that, much to my disappointment, Superham and Lois Lane were still alive at the end of their story, when I came upon a "Captain Tootsie" ad.  As was often the case, the ad was hiding a nugget of awesome:

I love it when people explain things to kids and then they tell them not to do it.  You know that every kid who saw that went out looking for a snake to grab.  And yes, I recognize that "snake grabbing" is a euphemism, and a great one at that.

And yes, what Captain Tootsie says would also make for some good Fun with Out of Context Dialogue (tm!)  Decisions had to be made.

Meanwhile, I once again found myself finding a legitimate piece of wisdom hidden in a Golden Age comic.  Check out this bit from Golden Age Green Lantern #11: 

This was actually quite profound.  Regardless of income level or social position, everyone benefits when everyone watches out for each other.  Nice!

Suddenly! (tm!)

Fellas, never begin a declaration of love with any indication that you're overlooking something about the object of your affections.  Just... don't do that.

See you tomorrow!

I Have Another Crevice Where You Can Stick Your Hat, Lois!

For the record, ladies, nothing is more unattractive than a chick with entitlement issues.  Thusly, from Action Comics #159:

Don't worry, Supes.  I'm sure she'll let you buy her dinner and drive her to the airport later.

Why?  Why does he put up with her?

Meanwhile...

Mr. Whimple learned the hard way that codependent behavior didn't count for much at the Peabody School for Popularity.

And should a "School for Popularity" even allow a vote for "most unpopular student"?  I mean, it's like a declaration of failure if someone attends your school to become popular and then everyone gets together to tell him he's not.  I think someone needs his tuition refunded.

From America's Best Comics #10:

Okay, I'm not saying he should turn this into a really low-budget feature for Cinemax, but ...

... don't you think that Eaglet having to save American Eagle from women is a bit much?  I mean, this is a full-grown man, and we're acting like he's off to get a cooties shot.

And "Eaglet" is one of the worst names for a sidekick, ever.  This includes poor chumps like Bucky and Tim who went around using their real names.

See you tomorrow!

Glup! Ugh! Glug!

From Pep #21:

Suddenly! (tm!)

But just when you think it's over...

Just Then! (tm!)

... and pray that the Germans didn't hear me talking to you in perfect English as I approach them.  And while we're at it, let's pray they don't wonder why a prepubescent boy is dressed like a German officer. 

... and don't wonder why we're speaking English with German accents instead Germanese since we're both supposed to be Germans.  Well, you're a real German and I'm just pretending to be a German, but we should both be speaking Germanese so you don't see past my clever ruse!

What do you mean there's no such thing as "Germanese"?  Shouldn't we, as Germans, be speaking Germanese?

I think everyone of Scottish descent, myself included, have just been insulted.

For the record, I am very frugal, but a good tipper.

See you tomorrow!

I Padded the Suit... With My Muscles!

Some weirdness from Action Comics #119:

I'm not sure what's involved in "muscle shrinkage."  I mean, flexing wouldn't shrink your muscles, so did he somehow dehydrate his muscles, turning himself into walking beef jerky?  That would be gross.

This one tickled me a bit:

I padded the suit, Lois... with my real muscles!  Note the fullness of the crotchal region...

I still don't understand this:

Yeah, the Flash did it, too.  How is it possible to follow something if you're moving so fast you can't be seen?  Wouldn't Superham zip right past the helicopter?  Of course he would!  This just seems like lazy writing.

And now, courtesy of Golden Age Green Lantern #10, we have another installment of Well... Touche! (tm!):

Well... Touche! (tm!)

Since I seem to be focused on things I don't understand, check out what I believe is the first time we see the 24 hour time limit on GL's ring:

That never made a lot of sense to me, either.  So, if he only uses the ring to comb his hair once or twice, it'll fizzle after 24 hours.  If he uses it to dam Lake Hudson, it'll work for 24 hours.  I'm not a GL nerd, but I think this has been corrected to be based on energy expenditures and not an arbitrary time limit, but it was that way for a good 50 years.

See you Monday!

GAH! Part 2!

Okay, once could be a fluke, but a second time (courtesy of Phantom Lady #13) makes me wonder just what the heck they were thinking back in the day.

Yeah, you see where I'm going with this.  But it's got a few things the other one didn't, so it's worth a looksee:

"A healthy outlet for his 'boyish' enthusiasm."  Well, for starters, I have yet to find a healthy outlet for "boyish enthusiasm."  It's just one of those necessary evils that really serves no purpose other than to get it over with, much like a geometry class.  But I find it funny that actively pretending to shoot people was a "healthy" outlet, while playing a video game manipulating a character into doing the same thing is turning our kids into homicidal maniacs.

And what's with all the eyes "popping"?

So, your kid's eyes pop, all the other kids' eyes pop... that's a lot of eye-popping.  And I'm not sure the neighbors will be at all happy with you causing their child's eyes to pop.  And frankly, if you use this thing as suggested and trick your kids into "sticking 'em up"... well, here in Oklahoma that's still First Degree Robbery, so I'd suggest you talk to an attorney before you let little Thaddeus go around "sticking up" his friends.

Oh, yeah.  A kid running around with something that looks like a military weapon.  What could possibly go wrong?  Well, according to this dramatic representation, absolutely nothing but good can come of this:

What do you mean, you don't know where Secret Agent X-28's apartment is?  Hmmmm... maybe I should have just given you the address, instead of telling you my father is a secret agent.

Yes, allowing your child to run around with a realistic-looking fake weapon could save countless lives and preserve national security.  You're practically a communist if you don't buy him this thing.

Meanwhile, don't let your child play video games.  That's a disaster waiting to happen.

See you tomorrow!

Professor Harper, Where's Your Hat? And Has Your Hair Always Been Green?

When you do a blog like this, and a greater contribution to civilization you'll be hard-pressed to find, you sometimes have to make a judgment call.

For instance, as I perused the 13th issue of the Golden Age Phantom Lady, I came upon this:

That's a pretty durn good example of a Random Sucker Punch (tm!) if ever there was one.  But I might have been able to pull off a Fun with Out of Context Dialogue (tm!) if I took out the artwork.  Then again, because of the expression on her face and the... ahem... moaning that she's doing, we might take the dialog out, call it Fun with Out of Context Artwork (tm!) and imply that Sandra likes to be treated... er... roughly by the men in her life.

It's an awesome responsibility, to be sure.  The world owes me a debt it can never possibly hope to repay.

And hey!  It's time for still more Fun with Out of Context Dialogue! (tm!)

And here's an interesting example of how Disembodied Floating Heads (tm!) can peacefully live among folks with bodies:

And no, I've no idea if they misspelled the way that guy said "please" or if it's supposed to be a phonetic thing.  And the guy on the right appears to have a legitimate speech impediment, so we're just going to give him a pass.

More Fun with Out of Context Dialogue (tm!):

Yeah... leave us alone for a few minutes... I want to... study her more closely.

And then I saw this:

So, there's one lasso covering about 9 square inches of floor.  There is no way that that will ever...

Oh, eeesh.  The only other time I've seen that work was... well, let's just say Bugs Bunny was the protagonist.

Sorry my attire isn't up to your standards, your majesty.  But at least I didn't put my foot in a lasso.

Okay, I'm being a little harsh there.  Sandra can't help it.  Everyone that grew up in the 1980's knows that...

... oh, who am I kidding?

You knew it was coming:

Keep in mind that the Phantom Lady only had one thing in her arsenal: The black light ray that would blind her adversaries.

That's it.  She went into combat with only one weapon.  

So, you'd think...

Seriously?  She dropped it?

This isn't something Phantom Lady could afford to do.  It's not like she was Batman, who could lose every gadget he had and still beat your face into hummus.... while eating a bowl of hummus.

Yeah, I wouldn't be surprised, either.  Frankly, I'm surprised she lasted that long.

Let's finish with a CMNS Moment of Comic Book Greatness (tm!):

This has been a CMNS Moment of Comic Book Greatness! (tm!)

See you tomorrow!