Blogging About Blogging Is a Sin

You'd think it would just be all kinds of easy to crank out this blog on a regular basis, but I actually have to go through at least a couple of comics a day just to find panels that make me pause.  It's not a very exciting process and the pickings are hit-or-miss.  I mean, it's not like they meant to give me things to make fun of when they put out these comics.

And sometimes, I just read something and I'm not 100% sure why it's blog-worthy, but I just know it is.

Like this one from America's Best Comics #22:

There's something really creepy about what Tim is saying there.  It's almost like Bob has shown off his "knot-knowledge" before and....

... well, I'm sure I'm just over-thinking it.  But I'm growing increasingly suspicious of Bob and Tim's relationship.

Here's some dialog that... well, I just don't understand it.

I've heard the expression "If you know what I mean," of course.  But I "Googled" simply "What I mean," and I'm finding nothing.  Again, I'm not saying it's funny, but I just wonder if the officer is intoxicated and speaking in incomplete sentences.

And then there are moments that... 

... well, just follow along, won't you?

From Golden Age Phantom Lady #16:

Okay, arms tied behind back.

And trust me, there's a point to this.

Okay, out the window... and arms still tied behind back.

Falling down... and arms tied behind back.

Lands through skylight... and GREAT GOLLYWOBBLES! 

Her hands are tied behind her back and they went that far up?  She's either one heck of a contortionist or both of her arms were just wrenched right out of their sockets.  I may not be giving the Golden Age Phantom Lady enough props, because she can clearly take some pain.

Going back to America's Best Comics # 22, here's an item that also kind of threw me off:

A forest fire lamp?  Really?  Who wants to decorate their house with simulated natural disasters?  Yes, your friends will "gasp with wonder," mostly because they'll want to know what kind of sicko gets his jollies staring at forest fires.  

Here's what it looked like in action:

And, of course, that video made it even more creepy.  That's what happens when you have something that's creepy and you try to show that it really isn't creepy... the creepiness increases exponentially.  It's like trying to convince a girl you aren't a creep after she already suspects that's the case.  You might as well just pack it in.  Pay attention, young men... this is good advice here.

See you tomorrow!

"Deadly" Poison... as Opposed to the Kind that Just Makes Your Drink Taste Lemony

Just bear with me, would you?  It seems to me like there is a lesson to be learned in this sequence from the "Madam Satan" story in Pep Comics #16:

Okay, I'm going to interject here a bit.  Somewhere along the line, saying "I'm just a very honest person" became an excuse for having no tact whatsoever.  This is one of the many things young people don't understand, like what "literally" means, that the letter z is not interchangeable with the letter s and that adverbs need to end in "-ly."

Honesty is fine, but how you package what you say is what separates civilized people from oafs.  That's all there is to it.  So, don't be like these people.

Let's read on:

See?  Now, can you imagine how awkward gatherings are going to be in the future between Tyra and her in-laws?  It's okay to pretend to like one another.  That's called courtsey.  A fake smile, forced politeness and feigned affection would have worked wonders.  But now the in-laws are going to croak and Tyra is going to become Satan's minion.  

Seriously.  That's what happens.  I guess "Lady Satan" and her assassinations weren't enough for the kids, so we upgraded to "Madam Satan," who will go around literally doing the Devil's work.  Thanks for the dime, kids!

Here's another kid who enjoys his comics:

For a kid who "hit the jackpot," doesn't he look rather vexed to you?  He does to me.

Anyway, here's one of the stories that he got for his one thin dime:

Ah, "The Green Eggs of Death."  That's the legendary first appearance of Steel Sterling's greatest foe:

Yeah, I know.  You saw it coming.  But it was a softball, and I never turn down an easy gag.

See you Monday!

Fear My Huskiness!

I wanted to take a second to clear up an apparent ambiguity about how I run ye old CMNS railroad, because of a recent post where several folks thought I had Photoshopped dialog.

I am not above manipulating images for the sake of a joke, as has been tradition since the very first Fun with Out of Context Dialogue (tm!) up to the very recent addition of the CMNS Saga in Three Panels (tm!).  But one thing I don't do is manipulate text or artwork.  It would be a cheap way to get laughs and I'm too lazy I'm better than that.  So, while I'll take panels out of context and occasionally trim distractions, the dialogue and artwork that is presented is substantially as I found it.

'Salright?  'Salright.

What I enjoy about doing this blog is I learn new stuff all the time.  And after 40 years of comic readin', that's saying something!  For example, check this out from Action Comics #106:

I, for one, just always assumed Superman could see in the dark.  How about that?

Meanwhile, check out this bit from Golden Age Green Lantern #6.  In these older comics, I'm rather used to heroes taking the law into their own hands by saving citizens the expense of a trial and lengthy appeals by casually killing criminals, but this was a new one:  

Yes, Green Lantern was not above giving you a lobotomy with that ring of his.  Remember how bananas half the Justice League was about doing it to Dr. Light during Identity Crisis?  Heck, Green Lantern was apparently doing it for 60 years prior!

I was reading Major Victory Comics #3, which I think is the last issue.  And from out of nowhere, we're plopped right into the middle of something called Rocket Boy.

He's "husky"?  My mom used to buy me clothes for "husky" boys, and that's not something I wanted to be my calling card, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, we just jump right into this thing.  We're told in two panels that his dad is missing in Africa and for some reason, Rocketboy has a jet pack.... oh, excuse me.... "helicopter."

I'm sorry, but that's a jet pack if I've ever seen one.

Anyway, I did some digging, being the bastion of comic journalism that I am, and learned that Rocketboy was a spin-off of RocketMAN, who had no vacancies for a sidekick because he tooled around with his niece, RocketGIRL.  Anyway, that's where he got the ... *ahem*... "helicopter."

Anyway, we're apparently picking up on a storyline that started in a couple of issues of Scoop Comics and then finished in an issue of Punch Comics.  So, if all you had handy was this one and only appearance in Major Victory Comics, you'd have been as confused as I.  No wonder I'd never heard of this kid.

Husky though he may be.

See you tomorrow!

AM I SHOUTING? I DON'T MEAN TO BE SHOUTING! AM I SHOUTING?

Hey!  Guess who located a copy of America's Best Comics #20?  That's right!

We lead off with a Black Terror story.  I never noticed this before, but Bob has a bit of a time with volume control:

I am certainly not a hero by any definition, but if I were and I had a secret identity, I probably wouldn't shout out my secret in mid-wardrobe change.  "Who wants microwave popcorn, AND WASN'T THAT A CRAZY ADVENTURE WE JUST HAD AS THE TERROR TWINS, TIM?"  I mean, it's not like poor Tim's secret identity, which is none because he's called "Tim" in costume, isn't flimsy enough.

So anyway, they go beat up bad guys because this is comics and that's just what people in comics do:

And then, this guy says this:

I KNOW, RIGHT?

Yes, he called the Black Terror "Iron Man," about 20 years before the Iron Man character.  Did it influence Stan Lee and Larry Lieber?  Who knows? 

Anyway, there's a situation and Bob's girlfriend Jean is right where she shouldn't be because that's the way a girlfriend's hero in the 1940's rolled:

Although, to her credit, that was an appropriate use of a raised voice.

An atomic bomb is about to go off, Jean!  Now is not the time to bemoan your love life!

Eesh.  Let's pay a detour to the Golden Age Phantom Lady #16:

Even the most casual nerdlinger will recognize that the villain makes the hero.  For example, it's not hard to immediately think of the Joker when one thinks of Batman.

Keep that in mind for me, would you?

Yes, the Phantom Lady is fighting a guy who is so morbidly obese that he isn't fully ambulatory.

And she still has problems with him:

Seriously?  The guy can barely move, you're in the dark, and all you can do is run in circles?

Yup.  She's only saved when the cops show up...

... and only then is she all "I've got him! I've got him!"

Oy.

See you tomorrow!

The Shield Has a Hunch: A Saga in Three Panels

I'm tickled pink that over 200 of you folks who came here as a result of the Cracked link continue to visit our little funhouse every day!  Long-time readers can tell you that, just to shake things up, I like to periodically invent new and stupid memes.

Today, we introduce the CMNS SAGA IN THREE PANELS! (tm!)

Courtesy of Pep Comics #15:

This has been a CMNS SAGA IN THREE PANELS! (tm!)

See you tomorrow!

Spider Woman, Spider Woman, Does Really Nothing at All a Spider Can...

So I'm flipping through some stuff and I come upon Major Victory Comics v1, #1.  It has a few reprints in it and a few new features.  My fave is this one:

Near as I can tell, the deal is that she lived on her late father's farmhouse toting around a butterfly net:

And when bank robbers show up at said farmhouse to use it as a hideout, she happens to have this whole getup laying around and ready to go:

Yes, this is basically the Golden Age version of Home Alone:

That's pretty much it.  She scares people with this costume.

Although it does lend itself to some unintentionally-amusing moments when she talks:

I don't know how many installments there were of this feature.  I can only state with certainty that there were not nearly enough installments of this feature.

Here's an ad from America's Best Comics #18 that seems just a little out of place:

Guys, here's a helpful tip from a guy who has been around a while: Don't tell your proposed fiance you bought her wedding ring out of a comic book ad.  Just don't.

You know that "It's a trap!" Star Wars meme that's flying around?  Here's one for us non-sci-fi nerdlingers, courtesy of Spy Smasher #6:

That's right... anything sci-fi does, comics do better.

See you tomorrow!

"It's Not Necessary to Hold Your Pants That Way, Boys! I Have X-Ray Vision!"

Hey!  It's time for some Fun with Out of Context Artwork (tm!) from Superman v1 #170, courtesy of contributor Robert Gillis!

Yeah, that's just wrong.  I took the dialogue out, but this is otherwise entirely on Robert.  Good stuff, Robert!

Golden Age Phantom Lady #16 had a back-up "true crime" story about some femme fatale in the 1940's named Louise Fowler who went on quite the crime spree.  I tried to find more info about her, but came up empty on the old Google.  So, we just have to take it on faith that she said awesome things like this:

and had great moments like this:

Seriously, she was a terrible person.  She killed a couple of folks and got the gas chamber.  It's a very disturbing story.  I'm not sure why it was in comic book meant for children.

Ah, well.  Taking us out today, we have the Ned Flanders Chorus!:

And if you don't know who Ned Flanders is or why that's funny, I can't help you.  The Simpsons has been on nearly 25 years.

See you Monday!